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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband demands half if the heritage from me

230 replies

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 17:50

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 19:30

Just to add, before maternity, I worked full time and I well contributing to all the household spendings.

OP posts:
LivelyBlake · 07/09/2023 19:31

After reading your update I'd definitely pay off some of the loan, and keep the rest.

Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 19:31

@Mumofacutie has he shown you proof of the details of these supposes loans, if it was my guess id say hes bluffing to get a slice of the inheritance so to speak.

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 19:32

So he pays the mortgage and bills, pays for your dentist, hair dresser bills, holidays and allows you to work full time and has been extremely generous with his money because in his eyes in both of your money.

But you’re now annoyed because he wants you to share your money?!

Wow!

Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 19:32

Laurelin · 07/09/2023 19:30

That's very much not the case from a legal perspective. Inheritance is treated differently than other forms of income.

Show quote history

basically then whistle for all he wants, its upto the op to share, not him to attempt backmail

Laurelin · 07/09/2023 19:33

He sounds grabby. He paid for some dental work for you and some haircuts, it would be very strange for a husband to expect to be repaid for expenses like that, especially if they were incurred a while ago. Spending inheritance on things that benefit the whole family is normal (paying off the mortgage, new cars etc), but demanding a lump sum be handed over up front is not. If he inherits from his parents, is he going to hand you half of it? I doubt it.

Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 19:34

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 19:32

So he pays the mortgage and bills, pays for your dentist, hair dresser bills, holidays and allows you to work full time and has been extremely generous with his money because in his eyes in both of your money.

But you’re now annoyed because he wants you to share your money?!

Wow!

did you forget that in return hes trying to hold that over the op to coerce control over the ops wishes

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 07/09/2023 19:34

I’m very sorry for your loss. I believe law in the U.K. treats all assets accrued after marriage as joint property.

Naunet · 07/09/2023 19:35

First of all can I just point out how disgusting it is that you just lost your father, haven’t even got the inheritance yet and he’s already being grabby about it? It’s truly arsehole behaviour.

Secondly, this idea that you owe him because he’s paid for some stuff for you WHILST YOU’VE BEEN PROVIDING ALL THE CHILDCARE AND HOUSEWORK, is insane. In the past when women did all the childcare and housework, men contributed by providing the family money, she wasn’t expected to pay 50/50 on top of doing all that FFS. I can’t believe you think paying him back for these things is in any way reasonable. Is he going to start contributing 50/50 to housework etc, or is that different for some reason?

Original poster
Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 19:37

Yes you have got a point. That is why I wrote that he absolutely deserves it. Possibly he wanted the family to feel comfortable financially. My point of feeling weird about the whole situation is that he brought up all these things he did for me, and I know if there was no inheritance he wouldn’t have done that.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 07/09/2023 19:38

I think that you need to tackle the two separate issues.

  1. Most importantly, sort out your family finances. How did you not know that you were spending more than you had coming in?

You need to both sit down. With a spreadsheet and list all outgoings and incoming so you know the financial situation.

Then look at the loans and understand exactly how much, what sort of repayment plan etc. What was the original plan to pay them off etc.

Then you need a day to day financial plan that you can afford.

And you both need to take responsibility for finances.

  1. Just put the inheritance to one side , in a high interest account, for a year, while you cope with the grief. Then you can work out what to do with it.

But the most important thing is that you start taking joint responsibility for financial decisions and spending.

SamW98 · 07/09/2023 19:38

If you were spending the money on things that benefit you all as a family - home improvements, holidays, new car etc - then yea sharing is absolutely the right thing. But handing over a chunk to pay off debts you didn’t know about - absolutely no way on earth.

Naunet · 07/09/2023 19:40

SamW98 · 07/09/2023 19:38

If you were spending the money on things that benefit you all as a family - home improvements, holidays, new car etc - then yea sharing is absolutely the right thing. But handing over a chunk to pay off debts you didn’t know about - absolutely no way on earth.

No it’s not, he doesn’t get to leave OP out of big financial decisions like taking out loans, but expect her to share the responsibility for them when he suddenly later announces their existence.

azlazee1 · 07/09/2023 19:40

I find the idea that your DH had loans you were unaware of to be just mind boggling. Because he did not include you or consult you, the loans are his to pay off. However, for the sake of peace in the marriage, I would probably give him some amount toward the loans. Maybe half, depending on how much you inherit.

Wallywobbles · 07/09/2023 19:43

I'd put it somewhere incredibly fucking safe. Sounds like your H will squander it. If you do spend it on something for the family make sure it isn't squandered. And yes inheritance is NOT a marital asset.

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 19:44

Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 19:34

did you forget that in return hes trying to hold that over the op to coerce control over the ops wishes

Show quote history

Omg what a reach.

His money is family money.
Her money is also family money.

Would you think it fair if he inherited money and decided to keep it all for himself?

Trickytimer · 07/09/2023 19:44

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/09/2023 18:22

I think an inheritance is personal money. It's one of those exceptions to the rule if you like. I seem to recall that inheritance is also excluded from divorce settlements (not 100% sure on that but I think that's what I heard somewhere).

So it's very much YOUR money, to do with as you wish. If you want to share it with your DH, or gift him some of it, then so be it. But you are under no obligation to do so.

This money from your Dad is like a gift. An inheritance from parents is a once-in-a-lifetime event and is very personal. Your parents wanted you to have that money. It's yours and nobody else's. You might choose to buy a piece of jewellery with it, or put it away for a rainy day. It's not up to your DH to tell you what you will be doing with it.

This

SurprisedWithAH0RSE · 07/09/2023 19:46

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 07/09/2023 19:34

I’m very sorry for your loss. I believe law in the U.K. treats all assets accrued after marriage as joint property.

it depends where you live in the uk, the law is different in different countries .

Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 19:47

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 19:44

Omg what a reach.

His money is family money.
Her money is also family money.

Would you think it fair if he inherited money and decided to keep it all for himself?

Show quote history

it would be his decision , same as with the op. its the ops decision.
just a pitty that her dh has very low morals.
hows it a reach to say its controlling behavior's when its the main thing the ops dh did ?

thirdfiddle · 07/09/2023 19:48

Wait. I'm not convinced he 'deserves' your inheritance at all.

His income, your income are family income. His work, your work including housework and childcare are both of you putting in hours working for the family. Childcare and household costs are family costs. He's not doing you a favour letting you have some money for expenditure, particularly if he's 'allocating' your income to the childcare costs so you don't have much left for your own spending.

Your inheritance is your personal income. Legally speaking.

If I discovered DH had been getting into debt without telling me I'd be furious. If you'd known you could have worked together to reduce expenditure. You could have planned and considered alternatives together. In the first place talk to him about this.

If you agree to spend some of your inheritance on paying off debts then that is your choice. But you need to get on top of how much you as a family are spending, there isn't going to always be an inheritance to bail you out.

I'd make sure you actually see the paperwork for the debt. Just to be sure there really is one and he's not making excuses for not letting you have your own money. As he already seems to have weaselled you out of having your own spending money in terms of the day to day family finances.

Your work in the household and with the children is also of value to the family. I would think it very unfair if you had less spending money or less control over joint account spending money than he did. That puts you in a vulnerable position when you have compromised your career to support him working full time while you have a family together.

SquishyGloopyBum · 07/09/2023 19:48

Please don't devalue your contribution to the house. You are part time to save on childcare costs. You are compromising your future income potential and putting less into a pension. All that is of a cost to you.

He's begrudging you a haircut and wanting payback for it.

You need to sit down and find out what on earth has gone on with the loans etc.

Him seeking half automatically stinks. His attitude to you sticks quite frankly.

Hawkins0009 · 07/09/2023 19:50

"As a rule, assets that are acquired during a marriage or a civil partnership are added to the ‘matrimonial pot’ and then divided upon divorce or dissolution.
But when it comes to inheritance and divorce, any assets which have been inherited are often treated differently by courts in the context of divorce. The precedence for this was set out in the case of White v White on 26 October 2000 which stated:

“This distinction is a recognition of the view that property owned by one spouse before the marriage, and inherited property whenever acquired, stand on a different footing from what may be loosely called matrimonial property.”"

Inheritance and Divorce - Is Inheritance Included in Divorce Settlement? (divorce-online.co.uk)

Inheritance and Divorce - Is Inheritance Included in Divorce Settlement?

As a rule, assets that are acquired during a marriage or a civil partnership are added to the ‘matrimonial pot’ and then divided upon divorce or dissolution. But when it…

https://www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/is-inheritance-included-in-divorce-settlement/#Can%20A%20Divorce%20Settlement%20Include%20Inheritance?

bellac11 · 07/09/2023 19:50

Most of these types of threads have people on them saying that all money should be shared.

I dont agree with that, any inheritance I have is mine and my OH understands and agrees with that. of course Im likely to use it for our joint life, but its not 'shared' money

However we are not married and thats a choice I made as I dont want to be married. If we were married then I know things become automatically shared

AlisonDonut · 07/09/2023 19:51

Thehonestbadger · 07/09/2023 17:54

When you’re married money is a joint asset, if he divorced you the courts would give him half anyway so I don’t see a difference.

Presumably he could spend all 'his' now, and then in a divorce be entitled to half the rest?

OP I'd get it stashed away if you can.

Dropthedonkey · 07/09/2023 19:52

Come on people this guy sounds dodgy as fuck. Loan debts of 30 grand? How did he get loans for this amount, and what's the money been going on? Unless Op is getting some very expensive haircuts, this sounds achievable from their income. She is talking as if my allowing her to do childcare and work part time, he is generously supporting her (while she minds his child).
I don't know where the money is really going but something is up.