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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband demands half if the heritage from me

230 replies

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 17:50

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

OP posts:
Greyfoot · 07/09/2023 18:44

I thinknif he's willingly shared his funds with you, even if borrowed money, it's right you share this, but not to the extent that you have half each. A shared pot to be discussed, but not yet.

Catopia · 07/09/2023 18:47

Do you have children (or intend to)? If so, you could put it in a trust for the children for when they turn 18 or 21 to use towards a house/car/university debts etc. Using it to provide for their futures may seem less controversial?

problembottom · 07/09/2023 18:47

I don’t like the sound of this. I’m about to inherit a substantial amount from my darling dad’s estate. It will go towards our mortgage, holidays, all stuff for the family. But DP has said numerous times it’s my money and I can do what I want with it.

Echobelly · 07/09/2023 18:48

I received a significant inheritance from my late grandfather and my husband never asked or expected to be given any of it. He wasn't even interested in how much it was but I told him it was enough to pay off our mortgage and that's what I wanted to do with about half of it. I very much doubt my siblings' spouses laid any claim to theirs.

A partner is within their rights to make suggestions about it, but not to demand or expect anything; it's your money.

Daviebear · 07/09/2023 18:49

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 17:50

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

If I was in this situation I would give him some of the money to pay off his loans but I definitely wouldn't be splitting it 50/50, I'd also be asking if there are anymore secrets he's keeping from you

crumblingschools · 07/09/2023 18:51

How do finances/bills work in the household @Mumofacutie?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2023 18:52

Op how much is your half of the inheritance?

How is family money currently sorted? Who earns and pays what?

How much is the loan?

LivelyBlake · 07/09/2023 18:52

The inheritance is yours but I think it's reasonable to use to pay off loans especially if the money has been spent on the whole family. Could you pay off half of the loan and save or invest the rest?

wutheringkites · 07/09/2023 18:52

The real issue here is that he's been taking out large loans without discussing it with you.

If we had unsecured debts, I would use inheritance to clear them, but I'd be very concerned to only find this out once I came into some money.

WrylyAmused · 07/09/2023 18:53

Do you have children?

I think he's quite cheeky asking for you to give him half, because it sounds like he would then spend it on things he wanted, as an individual, rather than on you all as a family.

If you put it in a long term investment (in your sole name), for you all as a family, or in savings (again in your sole name) that you use for things which benefit you all as a family, that seems reasonable.

It's also completely reasonable if you use it for whatever you want (because it's a gift from your dad). Obviously it's nice and probably a healthier relationship if you wanted to share it, but that's totally up to you and it's not for him to tell you to do so.

The only time I would think it's not reasonable to use on just yourself is if you are struggling as a family to pay bills.
In any case, it's never appropriate for him to tell you how to use it.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/09/2023 18:55

He isn't entitled to half your inheritance contrary to what others have said. In the case of divorce, if needs can be met without splitting the inheritance then its kept seperate, unless it has already been spent on family assets (e.g. used to pay off mortgage).

The fact you don't know about his spending and using loans is concerning. That requires a big conversation. I wouldn't be giving him a penny until you've gotten to the bottom of his spending, £30K is a lot of debt, the interest on that must be huge. Depending on the amount of inheritance I'd say you directly pay off the loan (from you to loan provider, not trusting him to pay it off after transferring to him) and that's it until he's earned back trust financially. I'd boost your own savings, put chunks in savings for the kids, maybe pay for a holiday. Put the rest in locked away accounts in your name only at least for now.

Viewfrommyhouse · 07/09/2023 18:56

You need to get a grip of finances in general - I'm assuming by the fact you didn't know he needed to get a loan for the things he spent the money on, that you know nothing of his income and outgoings? That's scary.

caringcarer · 07/09/2023 18:56

PackBacker · 07/09/2023 17:54

I think you need to hang on to the money and when you feel the time is right you decide what to spend it on.

I understand you feel differently about this money to general money because this comes from your Dad who you loved. I kept most inheritance from my Mum. I gave £1k each to my 3 X DC then paid deposit on a btl for £103k. Money I received after gifting 3dc £1k each was about £27.5k and I took DH out for an expensive meal as he took on extra child care during the last month of my Mum's life when I moved in with her to care for her at home. Now the btl house is worth £208k and only has mortgage left to pay of £40k. I'm leaving this particular btl to my 2 DGS's between them. DH has quite enough money of his own and if/when he inherits from his Mum it will be his to decide what to do with it. I think you need to bank the money into high interest account and only when you are ready decide what to do with it. Your DH should not be pressuring you to hand it over to him.

Viviennemary · 07/09/2023 18:57

If you aren't going to share your inheritance them I think you need to pay back the money your husband has given you. I don't think you are obliged to share the inheritance but you are obliged to pay back money he gave you. You can't have it both ways.

KentishMama · 07/09/2023 19:00

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

For me, the big red flag in this post is that you have no idea of your overall family finances. You didn't know about loans? You need to rapidly improve your financial literacy and get a full understanding of your family's finances. This kind of thing needs to be shared in a marriage/ partnership. Otherwise you are incredibly vulnerable, and dependent on your husband (and his ability to make smart financial decisions - doesn't sound like he is doing so well).

whynotwhatknot · 07/09/2023 19:00

if op didnt know it was a loan why should she pay it back

like she said what if there was no inheritance

BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 19:00

Thehonestbadger · 07/09/2023 17:54

When you’re married money is a joint asset, if he divorced you the courts would give him half anyway so I don’t see a difference.

I knew someone would say this and it’s not true. An inheritance only becomes a marital asset if it’s incorporated into a joint account or used as payment against a joint mortgage. As long as it’s in an entirely separate account in OP’s name the probability is that a court would disregard in division of property.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/09/2023 19:02

Viviennemary · 07/09/2023 18:57

If you aren't going to share your inheritance them I think you need to pay back the money your husband has given you. I don't think you are obliged to share the inheritance but you are obliged to pay back money he gave you. You can't have it both ways.

Why? Unless he said I'll only take you on this holiday, give you x gift etc if you are willing to give me half your inheritance then that was never the deal. What if OP had gotten nothing? Should he decide not to treat her to future holidays as a result thats his choice. He shouldn't because the £30K loans shows he can't afford it!

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 07/09/2023 19:03

I’m due an inheritance. Dh made some noise about a few things. I told him I’d spend it how I see fit. My situations different as I haven’t been in debt and when we married I came with a lot to the table money wise. I certainly won’t be dictated to about my inheritance.

Scottishskifun · 07/09/2023 19:04

I'm in a minority on mumsnet that I don't believe inheritance should be shared. I think it's that person's loss, the will has been written for that person and if the deceased wanted to give their partner etc money then they would have left it to them as well and split it.
I have never asked my husband for any of his inheritance, nor made plans to spend it. To me that's his relative that named him.

Your husband clearly is financially inept and clearly not transparent if you are only just finding out about loans now. Unfortunately you are also financially linked so if he defaults it effects you.

If I was in your shoes I would want to sit down and go through it properly with all the paperwork and transparency. If he refuses to do this then I wouldn't be giving him anything. But nor do I think you should be paying off all his debts! In your case I would give him a lump to pay towards the debt but not all of it and ensure going forward you have proper financial transparency

ScribblingPixie · 07/09/2023 19:04

Are you partly legally responsible for the loan, OP? What state are you other finances in? I'd plan your next move carefully.

Thelonelygiraffe · 07/09/2023 19:04

LivelyBlake · 07/09/2023 18:52

The inheritance is yours but I think it's reasonable to use to pay off loans especially if the money has been spent on the whole family. Could you pay off half of the loan and save or invest the rest?

Wtf? A loan she knew nothing about? No way.

HeyBearKeepsMeSane · 07/09/2023 19:07

Info on inheritance law! In Scotland inherited money is just the property of the inheriting bereaved person. If you put inheritance into an asset then the asset becomes matrimonial property (so use it on a house deposit and the house is joint) but money coming as an inheritance sitting in a bank account is outside of the pool of matrimonial assets for divorce reasons, at least that’s the case in Scotland (I’m a Scottish lawyer!)

Having said that, I’ve just had a small inheritance myself and my husband and I have jointly decided what to do with it. Going with my husbands suggestion as it is what my lovely relative would have wanted us to do!

You need to take time to decide what you want to do with it and what your lovely dad would’ve wanted you to do with it. Take that time and don’t let your husband pressure you! If that doesn’t involve paying off a debt you didn’t know about then ignore your husband - or question him how and why he took it out without your knowledge and how it can be up to your dad to pay it off!

I’m so sorry for you loss.

JohnNolan · 07/09/2023 19:09

Me and DH are likely to each come into a reasonable inheritance in the future. My thoughts are that we will both use the money to clear/reduce our joint debts - mortgage, credit card etc, and spend a considerable chunk on the persons whose inheritance it is - on something that they really want but considered too frivilous for right now.

For example, if I come into money, I will get something special just for me and he will do the same when he comes into some money.

That way we would both benefit as our joint debts would reduce but the person who has suffered the loss of a parent would get more of the money and can spend it how they want and we wouldn't question each other for doing so.

However, we've been together over 20 years, know each other inside out and are on the same page with everything financially.

I think your husband is expecting to be given half of your inheritance in cash for him to spend on what he wants - thats not something I would agree to.

IreneGoodnight · 07/09/2023 19:10

In your particular circumstances (and as some have already suggested) I would pay off half the loan as a goodwill gesture since you've had some enjoyable benefits from it. Once DH has finished paying off the other half from his own funds then I might treat him to something expensive - within reason. I'm afraid I wouldn't trust him with very large chunks of my money - spouse or not.