Husband demands half if the heritage from me

[Mumofacutie]

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

So he spent money on you in your marriage. Surely that was expected of him tho. Just as if you spent money on him it should be expected, as you are both in a partnership. Neither can ask for it back. This is what we should be prepared to do when we invest in a marriage.

I don't think he should be going on like he's done you a massive favour by spending money on you if your in a partnership.

You have now inherited money. He wants half of it. I think it's rude for him to ask for half of your inheritance as its money that has been left to you personally. It's up to you if you want to share it with him and you should not be 'guilt tripped' into giving him your inheritance.

I don't think it automatically becomes his money just because you're married to him.

Would he do the same for you if he inherited money?

Even tho your married, this is one of those times when it's actually 'your money' and you get to decide how it's divided up, and you should not be 'guilt tripped' into handing over money because he took out loans etc.. to buy you things.

What wd he do if the tables were turned and he inherited?

I would not for another second trust a man that thinks he gets half your inheritance.

Not sure, but I don’t think I would ask the half of it ever.

I am in a relationship of over 20 years. My partner's parent died and leftt a big inheritance. We have never had joint accounts and I would NEVER ask him for half. That is weird. But then I trust him and we have a good relationship and know that he will do something for our family with most of it. The fact that he says he used loans is also odd. He does not sound trustworthy.

I would buy myself something that I loved and could wear a lot eg a beautiful quality watch / necklace / ring that I could wear every day to remember your father by, then put money towards the holiday etc that you want to go with your family after that I would put some money towards your children’s education ( your father would have liked that I think) pay the loan off, pay off a chunk of the mortgage and put the remainder in the account…..I wouldn’t just give him 50%…..

It’s interesting that inheritance is separate money in the case of a divorce. When my ex and I split we hadn’t planned to divorce immediately and planned to wait the 3 years at the time. I know there’s no fault divorces now. Anyway, my mum harassed me loads and threatened to write me out of her wool if I didn’t get a divorce sorted as she was adamant that if she died before we divorced then he would be entitled to half. In the end I did divorce him but there were other reasons and not my DM’s emotional blackmail. We had a family member a solicitor and she never tried to correct my mum on her belief.

Not missing the point of the post I do think when married that all money goes into one pot but having also gone through a separation and divorce I’d also be inclined to say OP should keep the inheritance money separate if they want but use it for family spending such as holiday, home improvements etc should they want them. Definitely not to pay off his debt.

So HE took out a loan to spend money on you and its now your responsibility to pay it back with your inheritance ? Erm no. It would be different if you knew about the loan or it was a joint loan but if you didn't know it was a lone and he chose to spend that money on you then you are no way responsible for it.

I'd probably pay off the loan tbh as it will have interest on top that adds up. I'd make it clear that I'm not happy about the secret £30K loan. That's a massive amount and I'd wonder what else he's lied about.

You’re joking! I’d leave him and his loan.

If she didn't;t work part-time they would be paying considerably more for childcare, and might also have to pay for a cleaner etc.

So the money she would be earning would be eaten up anyway.

My DH and I do not have shared money. Money can be the root of all evil. We have a joint account where joint money goes for joint expenses incurred as part of our relationship, outside of this our money is separate. I do not, under any circumstances want money to become an issue in our relationship l, as such I don’t rely on him for money and he does not rely on me for money. We each have our earnings, pay into the joint account and then choose what we do with the remainder each.

What this means in essence is that if either of us inherit it is ‘our’ money. What it means in practise is actual both of us as we each choose pay for days out/holidays/family time/stuff for the house and, as the main earner and the person who has had inheritance to date most out of us, the money is usually spent on something that benefits us all, like those things above, but the most important thing is that it is the individuals choice, not an expectation!

If I found out about a £30k likelihood is I would pay it off, but not without a discussion about how I was not happy about it and didn’t feel it was something that should happen again moving forward. Some would also go in savings which he would not have access to if he had taken out a loan I knew nothing about!

My advice is open a separate bank account to put your inheritance in. Legally this is important!

if you were to put that money into your joint account it will be classes as half his, if you separate it then it can’t be claimed in a divorce settlement (should that day ever come, hopefully not).
I would keep that money there until you decide what you want to invest it in, you never know what’s round the corner, so keeping it in a separate bank account is the best way.
honestly I wouldn’t be happy with my husband if he wanted me to give him the money back from the gifts he’d purchased for me, regardless how he got the money for them. especially out of my inheritance, my parents wouldn’t want their hard earned money going to bail his ass out for his stupid financial decisions.
So use their money wisely. Ask yourself what they would have wanted you to do with it, who they wanted the money to go to.

the fact that he’s trying to guilt trip you is a huge red flag btw! If my husband got some inheritance I wouldn’t expect a penny, it’s from his parents to him, and although I’d expect to consulted on a decision ultimately it would be his and his only.

I think there are 2 issues here.

1. his loans, how long has this been going on, how much has he borrowed and where has he borrowed the money from
2. whether he is entitled to half of your share or not. I’m not sure if he is. You may be able to get some free legal advice.

Your husband shouldn't be deciding what you do with your inheritance money, that is completely up to you!

I would be seriously pissed off if my husband took out loans without discussing it with me first!

This probably isn't helpful but your husband sounds like a bit of a dick!

The ‘joint pot’ brigade are out in force lately. It’s perfectly possible to have a harmonious relationship and not leave yourself vulnerable. But OP, your situation is bonkers. How has he ‘helped’ or ‘treated’ you when he couldn’t afford it and how dare he ask for a lump sum. Do something for yourself with it and tell him to do one

My answer would be - how is money currently handled on your marriage. Is it all one pot, that you can access freely OR does he have his own money with potentially excess monthly income to use as he wishes and you have reduced income due to childcare etc and have zero free spending money.

If it's option 1, then inheritance goes into communal pot. If it's option 2, then inheritance is yours to share or not as you choose.

I would have to ask him if he thinks it’s normal to expect you to pay him back for your gifts!
it’s very unreasonable of him to get into debts without your knowledge.. are you sure he doesn’t have a gambling problem or something… seems odd to buy gifts you can’t afford.

No, this doesn’t sound right to me at all. You don’t have joint money in your marriage. He earns while you look after the home and DC. Then he ‘Pampers you with his money / loan’. Now you have some money of your own he wants half. Why don’t you invest it or bank it and spend some to pamper him. Treat him to something nice, like he does for you, but don’t give him the money.

I’m also curious about whether the Mumsnet obsession with shared money/joint accounts would also applies to situations where the husband brings in significantly less? Whilst I understand the need for a JA, completely pooled money can leave one partner (often the woman) vulnerable imo.
Anyway, I think you have a right to be aggrieved as he’s obviously been living outside his means but assuming you know his earnings, I do wonder how you thought it was all being paid for. I think the compromise would be to pay some of it off and consolidate the rest to pay off the traditional way. And you need to see evidence of this. I don’t think you should be obliged to share it 50/50 in any scenario tbh. That’s now how inheritance works! You knew your father for decades longer than your husband. You get to decide but it would be fair to contribute towards paying the loan whilst being very clear it’s not acceptable behaviour.

This doesn't sit right with me. To me a married couple should be a team so you should discuss between you what you should do with this money (including possibly paying off this unfortunate loan that he hadn't consulted you about). I'm sorry for your loss but you need to bear in mind that this "windfall" won't come along again. He may have something pressing to do with his half but what about you? If he spends his and you save yours the chances are he'll effectively get another half somewhere down the line (ie if you buy a car or spend it on a holiday or whatever). It's also not healthy that he seems to have secrets - if you didn't know he'd taken out loans what else don't you know about?

I’m in a similar situation except no loans, but generous husband and now I have an inheritance. I think it’s weird to split it half each. We will just decide what to spend it on - together, however, I want a garden studio which he’s not bothered about so I’ll probably pull financial rank in that one and we’ll spend the rest together.

I am really sorry for your loss and having lost a parent also, I understand all too well how hard it is and how you can feel all over the place.

I’m sorry to say that the money your dad has left you is yours, not your husbands and he has absolutely zero entitlement to it. Of course that situation could change if you were about to divorce etc.

I would not in any circumstance give him any of the money at all, I would put it away safely and keep it out of his reach. It’s not ok to spend voluntarily on someone then expect it back, it’s even more concerning to rack up that kind of debt spending it. He clearly can’t manage money well and there could be other debts you know nothing about.

Please look out for yourself OP. Take care and all the best to you at this very difficult time.

I have great sympathy for your husband (secret debt is horrible), and for you (young mums normally feel vulnerable as they become financially reliant on their partner for awhile).

Your household should be a unit of equal partners operating for the benefit of the household. All money, income, property should be joint for the good of the household. All savings joint even if allocated to one partner for tax reasons. Pay each partner a small equal allowance for personal spending. Other expenses joint - especially childcare for the children you both create. Debt (all households with a mortgage have huge debt) is a joint responsibility.

I think you two have 2 choices:

1 Pay his debt on condition he agrees to joint finances and financial decisions in the future and puts the amount he is currently paying in debt interest to overpayments on your joint mortgage. Pay down a bit of mortgage with the rest of your inheritance after agreeing to a small family purchase in memory of your dad/father-in-law/grandad. Whatever you save on mortgage payments pay into personal isas that can be used for future household expenses.

2 If he is unwilling to have joint finances and financial decisions he is a future debt/viability risk to the household. Pay his debt on the same condition, using reduced mortgage payments to save into ISAs as before for the benefit of the household. Buy a family memento as before. However invest the rest in your own name and use the income to benefit the household (by paying down the mortgage, paying towards household expenses, training for a profession whatever) while retaining ownership of the capital to counter his debt risk.

Either way you are relieving your husband (and yourself) of an awful mental and financial burden, reducing joint mortgage debt, saving for the future and building your own self esteem by contributing what you can towards the household. Good luck

whole set up sounds weird - why is paying for childcare solely your responsibility? - or why if you are no longer paying 100% childcare would you not contribute to household costs - aside from him taking out loans and not discussing it with you first.
Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation about finances & be more open going forward.
Or use the inheritance to get free of the twat.