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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband demands half if the heritage from me

230 replies

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 17:50

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

OP posts:
PinkPlantCase · 07/09/2023 19:56

Inheritance aside I find the whole approach that you both have to money all a bit strange.

If all money was family money and managed jointly as a couple then maybe you wouldn’t be in this position with there be being a loan you don’t know about.

Original poster
Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 19:58

thank you for your answer! Really valuable thoughts! Basically after paying off childcare, not much money left so I was highly dependent on my husband, which made affected me badly psychologically. Now the childcare got so much cheaper as we get the 30 hours free childcare. The moment I announced that he demanded me paying towards the household so basically I end up having £0 on my account so I said it won’t work. Tbh we never had joint account but we were coping well until our daughter was born it seems :(

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 19:58

“Family money” is an alien concept to me. I’m too much of a control freak for that.

Azaeleasinbloom · 07/09/2023 20:01

Keep it in an account solely in your name op. Your dad did not work hard to give the money to your husband.

whynotwhatknot · 07/09/2023 20:01

so he does no houswork no childcare and because he pays the mortgage youve got to be grateful even though you work aswell

SheSaidHummingbird · 07/09/2023 20:04

@Mumofacutie Do you have concrete evidence of the loans?

PinkPlantCase · 07/09/2023 20:04

BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 19:58

“Family money” is an alien concept to me. I’m too much of a control freak for that.

I’m a control freak too, we get notifications in our phones every time money comes out of the joint account. I categorise all our spending so we can see exactly where the money goes and get a nice pie chart each month.

But what we spend money on and how we manage it is a joint decision and is discussed regularly.

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/09/2023 20:06

mycoffeecup · 07/09/2023 19:27

You're married. It's half his. End of.

By the same token his wages are half hers.

End of.

But it doesn't seem to be working like that, does it?

Carpediemmakeitcount · 07/09/2023 20:06

Did you know about the loan he had taken out. Once it's all paid off will he be taking out more loans?

Original poster
Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 20:06

❤️❤️❤️❤️thank you for all helpful advices

OP posts:
Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 20:09

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/09/2023 20:06

By the same token his wages are half hers.

End of.

But it doesn't seem to be working like that, does it?

Show quote history

He pays for almost everything though, so yes his money is half hers.

If his money was just his then she couldn’t afford to only work PT.

PinkPlantCase · 07/09/2023 20:11

Putting all money into 1 pot that all spending comes out of would really avoid a lot of the ‘he pays for this’ ‘she pays for this’ bickering.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 07/09/2023 20:12

It sounds like your husband has been dishonest with you and he is spending above his means. He has mounted up £30,000 in debt is he taking the piss. Don't give him half he sounds coercive you both discuss together how the money should be spent and if he don't like it you have a nice inheritance that will sort you out.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 07/09/2023 20:14

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 20:09

He pays for almost everything though, so yes his money is half hers.

If his money was just his then she couldn’t afford to only work PT.

Show quote history

He got a £30,000 loan so it didn't come from his pocket.

Janey331 · 07/09/2023 20:20

TolkiensFallow · 07/09/2023 18:23

I would be asking to see the detail of these loans. When they were taken out etc.

Absolutely, me too. DH doesn't sound very trustworthy if he took out loans behind OPs back, she needs to see the evidence of these loans.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/09/2023 20:20

I think the inheritance is almost a red herring. He has made huge financial decision without you but expects to be involved in your financial decisions.

I can't believe that the people that are saying yabu are glossing over the fact that he took out loans to the value of £30k without telling you, for things that sound like they were treats rather than essentials. Id he has really actually done this then that's completely unacceptable. How could he hide this from you? I think you need to get to the bottom of the extent of the loans, the interest payable etc before making any financial decisions.

I have a bad feeling that the loans weren't as much as he is making out, or the money he spent on you from the loan money isn't as much as he is making out. That's a lot of haircuts and dentistry.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 07/09/2023 20:23

It's really off that he took out a loan without telling you. And that as soon as you mentioned your inheritance he asked for half to pay him back for treating you. This is very deceptive as you were probably under the impression that he enjoyed treating you, not secretly logging all of the expenses he's incurred on you. I don't think you are obliged to give him half under the circumstances.
I would be furious that he had taken a loan out without discussing it with me. I think you need to have a good look at his and your finances. You could consider paying off the debts with some of it but I wouldn't hands over any money to him. I don't think you are obliged to give him half anyway. I wouldn't demand that of my own DH following the death of his parent. It would be up to him what to do with it, although I expect we would discuss it . I'm sorry for your loss.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/09/2023 20:24

Pay off the list as you had the benefit then see what’s left

MummyJ36 · 07/09/2023 20:27

You really need a joint account. Especially when only one of you is working full time. I’d be left with nothing if DH and I didn’t have a joint account, we got one just before we were engaged and have kept it up since then (marriage and two kids later). It’s so important to see joint account money as shared. DH contributes more than I do but I have also sacrificed many years of potential salary by having children. We have also both shared inheritance with the joint account. I would feel weird paying DH inheritance money directly to him and I know he’d feel the same. When it goes in the joint account it is family money.

Dotcheck · 07/09/2023 20:27

Oh, OP.

Please don’t make any decisions about the money for at least 6 months.

He does not DESERVE the money.
You have been looking after children, looking after the house and him. That has value.

Please don’t be distracted by the fact that he paid for things while you were looking after your children. If he has issues with spending, he will NEVER have enough. You could waste your whole inheritance throwing good money after bad.

My ex loved to spend and we were constantly in debt because he just loved to buy stuff. I was a stay at home parent and I always felt guilty about him working. It took me a long time to realise he got a buzz from buying ( even if it was presents for me, presents I didn’t want or need), and had nothing to do with me.
Your partner’s manipulation is such a red flag. I would wonder if you know how much debt he is carrying.

Would you consider using the money to train so you can get a better paid job?
After all, that would also benefit the whole family.

unsync · 07/09/2023 20:30

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 19:58

thank you for your answer! Really valuable thoughts! Basically after paying off childcare, not much money left so I was highly dependent on my husband, which made affected me badly psychologically. Now the childcare got so much cheaper as we get the 30 hours free childcare. The moment I announced that he demanded me paying towards the household so basically I end up having £0 on my account so I said it won’t work. Tbh we never had joint account but we were coping well until our daughter was born it seems :(

Based on your answers and this one in particular, I would be going back to work full time and using my inheritance to see a divorce lawyer and set up a new home. Inheritance received during a marriage isn't automatically treated as a joint asset. He has no right to it. If he's earning a good salary as you say, why does he need a loan to pay for haircuts and dental work? Something here is not quite right.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 07/09/2023 20:31

Tinkerbyebye · 07/09/2023 20:24

Pay off the list as you had the benefit then see what’s left

She didn't know about the loan there's more to this relationship.

DojaPhat · 07/09/2023 20:34

Some marriages really do work from the basis that what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine. In these marriages then of course you'd share. But the difference is - in these marriages the instinct is consider your husband's portion almost unthinkingly - in much the same way you'd turn off the tap once you'd finished washing the dishes - you do it as a reflex, it doesn't occur to you to not do it.

So I say all that to say, it's clear from your reaction you don't inhabit such a marriage. That's not a bad thing in and of itself. It just means your marriage is based on different factors which keep it going day to day.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, your best bet is most probably not to tell him the true value of the house and subsequently what it could sell for. You must not at any point get into an argument about it being 'your money'.

See how things go as selling a house can often be wrought with all sorts of issues, let alone a house in a country that you currently don't reside in. Play the very long game, and in the meantime get to the bottom of his loans and why he's never mentioned these were loans till now. Indeed did he expect to carry such a burden as a 'favour'.

dinoice · 07/09/2023 20:34

Op take some legal advice.

I hate the responses to posts like this because whilst you say UK. I don't think you say where. The advice is incorrect and dangerous in some posts.

Pay for a quick consultation from a solicitor as to where best to place an inheritance given the background