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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

245 replies

ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 17:35

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

OP posts:
Original poster
ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 17:35

(We are expecting a second DS by the way)

OP posts:
Skybluecoat · 07/09/2023 17:38

How much will your childcare costs be if you’re both working at the same time?

minipie · 07/09/2023 17:40

Look at childcare costs and you might feel lucky!

Cheeesus · 07/09/2023 17:41

Right now you have the choice, if you don’t like it you could be on the same shift, but you’ve chosen not to because that’s the better option. So that makes you super lucky.

minipie · 07/09/2023 17:42

If you switch jobs would you be on more of a 9-5 pattern? Would your DH still be in the same job and swapping between early and late shifts? If so I can see that being the worst of both worlds tbh.

mynameiscalypso · 07/09/2023 17:42

I don't think it sounds a bad set up. DH and I both work 9-5 but much longer hours in practice. We generally only see each other for dinner during the week but had to pay for full time childcare on top of that.

ditalini · 07/09/2023 17:43

You'll need to do the calculation to see if you can afford childcare for 2 once you get back to work after mat leave.

Yes, your situation has got big downsides but they have to be weighed up with the financial benefits - I guess it's an argument that you're "lucky" (I wouldn't say super lucky exactly) to be in a position to choose...

Burnamer · 07/09/2023 17:45

How much time do you envisage having as a family if you switch. I would work that out first as I don’t think what you’re describing is unusual.

Sarvanga38 · 07/09/2023 17:45

Sounds like a situation that may well be worth bearing with until you don't need childcare and then making the change?

BIossomtoes · 07/09/2023 17:46

Don’t most people only do things as a family at weekends?

DanceMumTaxi · 07/09/2023 17:47

At the moment you split everything and have no childcare costs. Most couples don’t get a lot of time together in the week due to work commitments. I think you’re very fortunate to have the choice to continue if you want. Most people don’t have that choice, so I would say you are pretty lucky.

donkra · 07/09/2023 17:51

Most people only have the chance to do things as a family at weekends.

Most people are without their partner if they're at home during the week with a kid.

If you don't like this schedule any more, by all means change it, but most couples both working simultaneously have exactly the same issues and the cost of childcare on top.

Perfect28 · 07/09/2023 17:52

Nobody in a dual income household is doing stuff as a family in the week except trying to survive. I think you are super lucky, personally

NorthernGirlie · 07/09/2023 17:53

Mornings together are a bit shit anyway!

It's mainly 1 grabbing a shower while the other sorts dc / the cat / the house then swapping surely?

Original poster
ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 17:53

Do you not eat dinner as a family? Do bath/bed with the kids together etc?

OP posts:
fairyfluf · 07/09/2023 17:54

I wouldn't say it was lucky. I'd say it was fortunate.

fairyfluf · 07/09/2023 17:54

Once they are back at school or your funded hours that's when I'd look at moving

nicknamehelp · 07/09/2023 17:57

No childcare costs/having emergency leave if child too ill for childcare or childcare shut is a major plus. Along with dc getting to spend so much time with both parents.
As others said midweek I hardly see dp/do anything with them so I'm not sure if you changed jobs you would benefit in ways you are thinking

Loopytiles · 07/09/2023 17:59

Avoiding the cost of childcare for two DC would pay for a LOT of family dinners!

Clefable · 07/09/2023 18:00

I think that's pretty good. I work afternoons/evenings and my husband works standard days and I feel very fortunate, and that's without us being able to have the kids while we work so we do have some nursery fees! We don't really spend time together until after kids are in bed and at weekends (on my non-work days) so I don't think it's unusual. My DH does bedtime solo on my work days.

CuteCillian · 07/09/2023 18:01

It sounds pretty lucky to me compared to most young families with two full-time working parents.

Ffsmakeitstop · 07/09/2023 18:02

I don't think you're lucky exactly more organized. But I would worry that this can't really continue when your child gets a bit older. Will you still be bringing them out in winter? Are the shift changes always during the day?
I think your friend is probably jealous, these days not many couples seem to work together so well especially reading mn.
You do whatever works for your family.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 07/09/2023 18:02

Why don't you change jobs and find out?

(If you do I suspect you'll realise your friend had a point)

mynameiscalypso · 07/09/2023 18:02

ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 17:53

Do you not eat dinner as a family? Do bath/bed with the kids together etc?

Nope. We are just starting family dinners now DS is at school but it's never worked for our schedules. Whoever is at home does bath/bed. The other one is usually working.

Original poster
ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 18:05

We can’t be on the same shift to the person who said that. He’s a manger on the other shift and he isn’t “allowed” to be mine.

it’s hard, maybe I should consider staying then, especially if we won’t gain as much as I think

OP posts: