To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

[ValentinaLouise]

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

I barely see DH in the week. I don’t think it’s uncommon.

While I understand this seems hard right now, two kids is going to be hard no matter what!
The amount you save on childcare is enormous, and like others have said you'd be unlikely to find childcare that would all you to do alternate weeks, so paying for 50% of time you don't need. You'd also only spend more time together every other week, assuming you'll be looking for a job that matches one of his shifts. So all of that, and you're still in the same situation half the time anyway.

Not to mention resentment. Maybe your OH is great - but there will be many others on here that would kill for an OH doing 50/50. That could slip if the circumstances change.

If you’re only going to gain a few hours in the evening I think you’d be silly to change. If you get family time of a weekend like most people then I don’t see the issue

Not whilst using childcare - got in from work and nursery about 6.30pm so then it was straight into bedtime routine.

Have never done bath and bed together after the first few months - easier to take it in turns so the other one can get on with clearing up after the meal or have some downtime.

I understand what you’re saying about evening family time, but few families actually get that unless maybe one parent is a stay at home parent or works part time.
We have the opposite in that I work the two days that my partner doesn’t work. We see each other in the evenings (though still only from 6:30/7pm) but veeeeery rarely get an actual day off together.
I would say you’ve got a good thing going, especially if you calculate what 2 childcare spaces would be costing you. But if you have really good wages and would prefer to go for childcare and have a similar schedules then of course, change it.

Working with dependent children is hard going tbh, whatever the arrangement. Just relish the weekends and holidays. This time will pass too quickly.

My ex DH used to come home between 7:30 and 9:30 pm so no I don’t think you’re missing out on much.
And you are lucky to have a choice of paying /not paying for childcare!

Even the fact you don't have to stress about one person getting home late (because DS commutes with you) is serendipitous!

You've get a really perfect set up right now. Hold on to it because childcare costs a fortune (we paid for childcare in one form or another for 15 years and I stopped adding up the cost at £75,000)

Yabu. We only have Sundays as a family, as I work Saturdays. Dh works Monday to Friday. It saves on childcare costs and as much as I don’t like it, needs must.

You are super lucky yes. My DH has his days off in the week whilst I have weekends off. The only days together we get off are booked annual leave.
It means our DD only has to go to nursery 3 days a week and it's still a grand a month. A thousand pounds. Every month. Even with 2 decent salaries, it's crippling.
She spends her mornings and 2 days a week with her Dad and the evenings and weekends with me. We essentially tag team. I sometimes don't see him for 3 days at a time as he works late shifts and I work early days. We make it work because we don't want to spend even more on childcare. It means we are careful with our plans for time together as a family. Sometimes it breaks my heart that we don't all sit down together to eat ever, but at least we can afford food for us all. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't know many parents of young children that see much of their spouse during the week. It seems like an ideal situation to me unless your pay will increase a great deal to afford child minding for two children.

It's very rare in our house. I work in a school so I'm around all the time that the kids are at home, but DH normally works 9-8 ish, so I do all the dinner, bed, bath routine. He sees the children in the mornings. I alternate eating with the kids and eating with him (and occasionally eat by myself once they're asleep if he's working past 10pm).

Your set up is definitely very lucky.

We have always done family dinners. Both of us work in fairly 9-5 office jobs but tend to early start so more like 8-4pm. But we have paid childcare (was a private nursery then a before and after school childminder who also did the holidays). We paid for care from 7:30am to 17:30/18:00pm to allow for commuting time. If we have extra work, we can do it later in the evenings, or some nights one of us works later. We don't have dinner all together every night, but average about 3 week nights. I think we are lucky with our jobs but also have gone without other things to afford the childcare which is a huge portion of our income. I think it's worth it for the family time, if you can afford it. I appreciate many just can't, especially with more than one child.

Yep. Super lucky. Hang onto those jobs like grim death.

Nothing comes for free in a way, you 'pay' if you like, for your set up of no childcare fees with not seeing each other until the weekend.

And I think you have a point about family time OP. We're a dual income household, one dc in nursery full time. We both wfh for the most part so can do pick up, drop off, etc. and have bit of time all together in the evenings. As for any parents, dual income, one working, one staying at home etc. its full on. That is family life to certain extent I think. One thing to note though about our set up, while nice most days, it is very expensive to have a child in nursery full time - worth it and necessary for us but it costs a lot.

First off my opinion doesn’t include childcare as we luckily have two sets of grandparents who help out.
I think what you describe sounds pretty decent! My dh works in hospitality so his 2 days off are weekdays and i’m off the weekend. I’d give up seeing him all week if it meant we had weekends as a family. He is home at 10pm earliest on his working days so it’s me and dd alone for bedtime routine and dinner. I suppose it depends on what u really want from the extra time together and if you can afford the childcare. We always have nice dinners at the table when he is home and do like a family games night or movie night. We sometimes go out for dinner and during school holidays we always do something fun like go to the beach on his days off. Suppose it’s about making the most with the time you do have together.

Very fortunate.

My youngest is 12, eldest nearly 30, we still don't have every weekend together and have never had more than one hour a night. I don't feel unlucky, it is the bed we made, but yours sounds better

This.

I think you have a great set up.
Very fortunate to have whole weekends off together too to spend as a family unit.
Many don't have that luxury.

Maybe we don’t realise just how helpful we have got it then! Definitely a lot to think about. The shifts are 5am-12:30 and 12:30-8 so the swap over is helpful for school aged/nursery age too. It just feels hard sometimes because I don’t feel I see him all week but seems that can easily be the reality if we did it differently, with a whole load more negatives!

Obv depends on shifts but I'm imagining something like 4am-midday and midday-8pm. Zero time together at handover and not much of an evening when you have both done 8 hours' work AND about 8 hours' solo parenting, and one of you has to be up at the crack of dawn.

I suspect most of those saying it's idyllic haven't actually tried it. It's hard work.

It sounds like a great set-up tbh. My husband and I both work the same job with almost identical hours. It's a nightmare- expensive, complicated childcare (and associated guilt), and no semblance of "family time" whatsoever during the week.

But there's more to a job than convenience. If you don't enjoy it, you're stressed or bored, or if you've reached a ceiling etc then of course look for another job.

It’s funny though, back when we dated so many people told me to never date at work! Now they’re claiming how lucky we are lol!

Not to mention that when the kids are in school/pre-school you'll each have approx 5-6 hours a day every other week to spend as you please...I'd be holding out for that 😆

The only other thing I'd look at is if you could both drop to part time - 4 days a week. Cheaper than childcare for 2 kids and gives you an extra day per week. When the kids are at school you'd also have time together without the kids each week.

I absolutely would NOT give this up until both your DC are in school full time, and even then maybe not given the holidays. Maybe leave it until the youngest is 12 or thereabouts!

I think you're seeing what you don't have rather than what you do have. Time together at the end of the day, when everyone is exhausted and has to rush through things for the next morning = time to squabble and argue. You might also see something in the other that you might wish you hadn't!

You have a 50-50 split in your marriage in terms of childcare, time with your child, house management. That's extremely valuable. A shared hour or two on a weeknight isn't worth that at all.