To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

[ValentinaLouise]

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

Wrong thread duck

I think in your head at the moment you'll have lots of time but in reality you actually won't.
You will probably have extra childcare costs, and realistically won't get more than 30mins more time together than now. I would say don't do it. Especially not until you get some free childcare hours at least

Once you have 2+ kids it all becomes a bit of a balancing act, and it doesn't get any easier the older they get, trying to find time during the week as a family is tough no matter what hours you work. It does sounds like you and your partner are a great team already, not everyone has that.

Everyone will have their own point of view because of their own experience. Personally I feel you are lucky your partner pitches in so much.

But don't be put off trying something you think could improve your life. You only live once after all.

I understand what you are saying, you literally only get to spend 1 hour a day together and you feel like ships passing in the night. What you are saying makes complete sense. However childcare fees are indeed astronomical like another mortgage .... this is all swings and roundabouts and now you are having another child, which will make childcare more expensive. However no one wants to feel like they don't get any time whatsoever with their partner either. No answer for you, just really look at both sides before your make a decision.

Can you go part time after mat leave? Or take a career break and have an extra few months unpaid? Then you can test the waters and if you feel you are still missing out you can take it from there. I've just had my 3rd child and I'll be handing my resignation in as soon as I'm back. It's a dent in our finances but my husband can shoulder it and I refuse to pay anyone else to watch my kids plus I feel like they need me there full time at the mo. Is that an option for you?

I think you are very lucky to get the time together that you do. I have 3 children who are all full time in school and need a parent around all the time when not at school. Both me and my husband work full time. He works Monday to Friday daytimes either 7-4:45 or 9-5.30. I'm a nurse and work 12 and half hour night shifts often 3 or 4 in a row, each week. I get to say goodbye on Wednesday evening to everyone, then we literally pass like ships in the night, until either Saturday or Sunday morning. I'm lucky if I get to spend an hour total with them all in that time. After my shifts I then spend half the morning sleeping, then we get the rest of the day together plus Sunday if I finish Saturday morning. We use a childminder 2 days a week after school which sets us back £30 per child each week ( 3 children) plus breakfast club 2 or 3 times a week. We probably only get to eat together as a whole family 1 or 2 nights a week, and these may not be both at the weekend. To have guaranteed time together as a family all weekend every weekend would be fantastic.

Wouldn't changing jobs affect your maternity leave? I would wait until you've had baby to think about changing jobs. Besides you will be on maternity leave sometime soon and so u will get that time together again for a while at least. Personally I would stick with what you are doing now childcare is ridiculously pricey why pay for it when u have a good system plus you are both and your child benefitting from each having time together and still having weekends as a family

I work 9-3 and my OH usually 8-4 + travel time (so more like 6.30-5).

This also means we don’t get to do anything together in the week…kinda think this is normal for working families? However I do like the few hours we get together in an evening eating dinner etc

Childcare costs would be a massive decider though

Yeah, like others, I find your attitude a bit odd, it’s like you want other people to think your situation is crap when really it isn’t!

You don’t seem to admit the benefits from your DC’s perspective of having a parent around all the time? And even if you could afford childcare, would you not prefer to save the money (as I say, over 2k where I am). Plus you don’t have the other downsides such as being sent home from nursery, constant bugs, occasional shit staff etc and whoever is at home can, I assume, do a few jobs too.

My partner and I both worked regular hours in ostensibly 9-5 jobs with 2 kids in childcare 4 days a week. It was honestly one of the most exhausting and expansive times of my life. I’d regularly be up at 6, not in bed before midnight because splitting drop off and pick up with my OH meant I was catching up on work in the evenings. We did have about 7.30 onwards in the evenings together in the house but the kids were knackered so it was usually a case of one of us did pick up and a quick tea then kids to bed, the other arrived home at about 7.30 (because they’d done drop off) sorted uniform/ washing/ other house stuff (because no one had been in all day). Then one of us usually had to do a bit more work- if we did eat together it would be short and sweet. And we were paying 2k a month as well for this! Honestly I really think you’ve got a case of the grass being greener here. The only benefit of our situation was that we both did carry on with work and it’s easier now the kids are at school. Quality family time in the week was basically non-existent.

You would likely gain a maximum of 2 hours a night but only every other week when husband is on early shift.
2 under 3s? So those 10 hours of family time a fortnight would cost you £1200 in childcare per fortnight! So £120 an hour? Don’t think I could justify that!

Having said that you’ve said you can afford it so clearly high earners if you have a spare 2.5k a month that wouldn’t be too much of a financial burden.
So tbf if you are really high earners, you can afford it and you want to, to get a better work life balance then do it.
I saw you say your husband is a manager so maybe you could afford for just him to work and you stay at home with the children?

It’s a tough one, we are in a sinalr although slightly different situation. My DH works 10am-11pm nursing shifts 3 days a week so on those days I see him for about 30-45 mins in the morning as we get up, he feeds the kids and makes a cup of tea then he walks the dog whilst I get look after the kids/get ready for work then I leave for work about 7.15. He gets the kids ready, walks DS to school, comes home, puts DD in car seat and drives to childminder then drives to work. I finish work at 4.15, pick kids up between 4.45 and 5, come home and do dinner/bedtime alone. I’m in bed by the time he gets home at 11.30pm. He’s home two days a week with DD which means we only have to pay childminder for three days. He sometimes works Saturday.

Realistically the family time you get in the week, if you’re working 9-5 with a commute, is minimal. We have this two days a week when DH is home with DD and I get home, usually DH has cooked dinner so we eat that as a family, tidy up, bath the kids then each put a child to bed, so assuming little ones are in bed by 7-7.30 you maybe get 1.5-2 hours. 5 days of nursery for two children will be a lot of money too, even if your eldest has the 30 free hours by the time you need it as that only covers some of the cost and presumably you will need full days unless your DH can switch to always work the same shift every week as it’s unlikely you will get someone flexible that you can do mornings one week and afternoons the week after.

Ultimately weigh up whether the couple of hours you’d get with all of you is worth the cost of nursery and ultimately you spending less time with DS as well.

I'm going against the general consensus. I categorically could not do what you're doing. You're getting up at 5am, working one full time shift at work then are instantly into a minimum of 7 hours of childcare for a toddler and soon to add a baby to the mix. The time with your partner is not really the point.

Of course you're saving money on childcare, you're doing two sodding jobs to cover it yourself!

Instead of changing jobs, could you do a compromise once the baby comes and get a couple of days at nursery? Imagine how much easier it would be for the person on early to finish work and have 4 hours to catch up on sleep, or chores, or get dinner prepped for the evening before having to collect a kid from nursery. You'd actually have enough energy to talk to your partner once they were off the late shift.

Yes, you’re lucky that you’re not paying out for childcare which can be astronomical in the first few years, plus more parent time for your child/children, but you’re sacrificing time as a family all of you together… however pretty much every family has to make choices on what to sacrifice. But here’s my take on what family time looks like at that stage if it helps…

Pre-covid my kids were at nursery or wraparound school care from 7.30am till 6pm, Monday to Friday. This was from age 12 months until they were 9 and 6 years old, when things changed. During that stage of life we had no enjoyment in the evenings - the kids were exhausted and cranky at the end of the day, so it would be a quick dinner and bed. DH and I ate later when they were in bed, by the time the bedtime routine was done, things prepared for the following day and our food cooked, we’d eat and crash. Family time wasn’t a thing Monday-Friday. I hated it so much I was willing myself to get made redundant just to escape it all!

Now my two are older, age 12 and 9, we make the most of evenings together. DH and I have more work flexibility than we did, which also helps. But every few weeks we will go out for dinner in a restaurant on a weeknight (6-8pm for example) or all go swimming together after work and school etc. The week is still busy and tiring but we get more out of it than we did when they were little.

As you already know, it’s for you and DH to decide, but in your situation my decision would be to stick with the status quo while they’re little and save the childcare costs. Especially with the new baby on the way, you’ve got enough change on the horizon. Then change it up when they’re bigger and going to bed later etc and you can see you’ll make more of the time together.

After childcare and tax have left my pay check I earn £20 a day 😑 We only do stuff together on a weekend because we're shattered during the week from working anyway. You are super lucky. I'd kill to be in this position and actually get to keep my pay check instead of effectively working to pay someone else to watch my child.

That's only one childs worth of daycare by the way. You are so lucky and you can't even see it.

Sounds like the dream! You are moaning you get up at 4:30am work until 12:30pm then parent until 8:30pm and it’s long and hard and that it’s only ok if you work 9-5… but a lot of people commenting work 12hr shifts, in fact many I know work opposite 12hr shifts and swap over between day and night shift, they are up and parent etc.

you absolutely are allowed to feel tired, drained and it’s not right for you, but you cannot say it’s impossible or you are feeling like a single parent etc. you absolutely aren’t and it sounds like you are your husband are a well oiled machine.

unfortunately this is part of choosing to be a parent, especially choosing to have two under 3, you need to make it work for you but remember you may lose more than you gain.

We did this for a long time due more to our first child having severe health needs and disabilities than anything else. We then had a surprise pregnancy, along which time his health stabilised a little and I switched jobs & put them in nursery. I the. Realised that I was pretty much paying my full salary in childcare costs just to work! Considering u have another in the way, I would look into your options. Time together is important, but so is financial stability. It’s about working out what is most important to you all right now x

I wouldn’t describe it as ‘super lucky’ but it’s clearly something that logistically works ok for you now and you have some options to think about what going to work best for you all in future.
Id be happy with that set up but I know others wouldn’t be.

We’ve done something similar since DS was born he’s now 12, we alternate 6-2 and 2-10 every week, we solo parent during the week DH works mon-fri I work retail so usually do one day at the weekend. It’s difficult to go 3-4 days not seeing each other but the financial benefits outweigh the cons of time, you learn to value the time you have and make the most of it. As they get older it’s a plus that neither of us has to leave work for sick calls and snow days

In your case OP, I'd probably do nothing until after your next mat leave. And then look at a childcare provider than can do afternoons - e.g. a nursery that offers afternoon sessions.
This will have the benefit of not having to load both kids up to do handover at work, and give whoever is on earlies a few hours where they are child free (nap so they don't need to go to bed so early that evening, housework/dinner prep without kids, whatever works for your family).
Will cost significantly less than full time care for two. Even if money isn't the issue I'd rather use that money on holidays/days out etc.

It might not work for you, but I'd be wary of making the change right now.

Or...if you made the change and didn't like it could you change back?