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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

245 replies

ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 17:35

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

OP posts:

Babadook76 · 07/09/2023 18:05

Do you both have the whole weekend off?

pickledandpuzzled · 07/09/2023 18:06

You really are super lucky!

DH was out 6.45am til 7.15pm Monday to Friday.

Weekend was the only family time.

I was the default parent.

What you have works incredibly well.

Original poster

ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 18:06

First son is 2 and we have done it since i went back to work

OP posts:

Bibbetybobbity · 07/09/2023 18:06

Yes, I think this is a pretty unusual and if not lucky exactly, certainly serendipitous that you work at the same place and have perfectly matched up your shifts to avoid childcare. It sounds like a good set up for the time being.

Original poster

ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 18:07

Yes both have the full weekend

OP posts:

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 07/09/2023 18:08

You are looking at literally thousands a month for childcare for two children. Bear in mind paid child care that lets you chop and change (to reflect your DH’s shifts if he keeps the same job) is very rare so you are likely to end up paying for more hours than you think to keep the space. Unless you are very very lucky with a very flexible childminder, you won’t just be able to pay for when you and your husband are both not available - you will need set days / hours.

I think that unless there is a massive drip feed and you utterly hate the job, you’d be mad to leave until your younger (youngest?, I don’t know if you are planning more than 2) starts school.

ColleenDonaghy · 07/09/2023 18:08

You're saving an absolute fortune in childcare, not to mention not needing to cover sick days.

I don't doubt that it's hard, but I would think very very carefully before giving that up. That set up will also be useful for school when wraparound care can be harder to come by and even harder during the holidays.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 07/09/2023 18:08

If you have the weekend free together then it sounds perfect to me. No childcare fees too!

DontMakeMeShushYou · 07/09/2023 18:09

ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 17:53

Do you not eat dinner as a family? Do bath/bed with the kids together etc?

I work days, DH works alternating early/late shifts. Is that what your situation would be?

One week DH leaves at 5am and I get home around 7pm so not much family time there. The other week I leave at 8am and he gets home around 10.15pm so absolutely no family time then.

Have you considered how dropping the kids at school at 9am when he's on earlies, or picking them up at 3pm when he's on lates, will impact the job you are hoping to get? Will you be able to do that?

IcedGemsandPartyRings · 07/09/2023 18:11

I get that it probably impacts family life Given you are 'saving' maybe £25k a year on childcare... could you both buy more holiday?

BranchGold · 07/09/2023 18:12

Honestly, I think that work pattern sounds ideal for a two working parent family with young (very expensive childcare!) children.

what alternative shirt pattern do you consider would improve your circumstances?

Kissmas · 07/09/2023 18:13

The absolute freedom of always having an adult at home, no childcare costs, two full incomes, and coming home every night. Never having to miss a play or a sports day, first day at school, first everything. Not worrying about them being off sick, school having boiler problems. Having extra money to save for really decent holidays....plus getting every fucking weekend off!?

Are you mad?

DowntonCrabby · 07/09/2023 18:14

I wouldn’t say luck has anything to do with it. You’ve designed your life/work around not using childcare and there will be many pros (both spending lots of time with DC, no big bill etc) and cons (not having evening time together or family time until the weekend)

Is she paying a huge nursery bill and equates not having that bill with luck?

You just have to what’s right for you as a family.

TolkiensFallow · 07/09/2023 18:15

Most families don’t see each other until 5/6 and generally do “family stuff” only at the weekend.

I don’t think you would be gaining that much in the week, you’ll end up taking it in turns to to be time etc.

You are saving a fortune on childcare. Nursery would probably be upward of £1200 per month…a childminder maybe less. That’s for one child. Some 39 week a year provisions are a bit cheaper if you get the funded hours but you’d likely end up taking annual leave at separate times to cover the 13 weeks a year they aren’t open…

No arrangement is perfect but it’s very rare to have 2 wages and no childcare fees. I’d stick with it until they start school…

Scaraben · 07/09/2023 18:16

Honestly your situation sounds like a dream.

We're staring down the barrel of £1200 per month for nursery plus £260 per month for after school care for four days a week once I go back from ML.

We only do family things at the weekend, there isn't time during the week and usually whoever is home earliest sorts out tea etc. We tag team chores and bathtime/bedtime so never do that together. I've often thought I'd love to go back to working early shifts so I get time in the afternoons with DD before she's knackered from school/after school club. But then we'd have to find morning care too as DH leaves for his 9-5 (in reality 9- whenever it ends) job at 8am.

AbacusAvocado · 07/09/2023 18:17

You’re extremely lucky. It’s honestly bizarre to me that you’d consider changing.

Topseyt123 · 07/09/2023 18:17

We used to have to pay hundreds per month in childcare when I went back to work after having DD1. When DD2 came along it was just unaffordable so I had to stop working and we struggled.

You have an arrangement I would have loved to have had so yes, I would say you are super lucky.

Wakeywake · 07/09/2023 18:18

When the kids were little, DH was doing the morning drop offs and he was getting into work a bit later and back home after 7pm. I was doing pick-ups so leaving earlier for work to finish on time. We barely had any family time during the week and were spending a fortune on childcare. You've got a golden set-up there!

Dascha · 07/09/2023 18:19

It sounds very well planned as far as the kids are concerned, and for keeping childcare costs low.

But so what? Being ships that pass in the night is not much fun. Keep doing it while it works for you, and if it stops working, change it. School days are different to having 0-5s. Having one of you cook dinner and wash up while the other supervises bedtime isn"t really quality time together. DH and I only sit down together about 9.30, and our kids are teens.

IsItThough · 07/09/2023 18:22

It will be saving you an absolute fortune in childcare, so its lucky - and very efficient in a way.

Lots of people barely get to see each other till 8.30 anyway

It might not work as well when preschool/school looms depending on timings. and how much time in the car is it for them? I think I would try it with 2 kids for a while first and consider very carefully what the alternative will be like financially and timewise.

Batalax · 07/09/2023 18:24

I wouldn’t want to do it but it depends on if you can afford not to. Paying childcare for two kids will be a massive sum to fork out. What would your standard of living be like then?

Basically what’s more important to you both? Time together or the money?

When both kids are at school, then changing jobs wouldn’t affect your income as much.

Cowlover89 · 07/09/2023 18:28

You are very lucky. Keep doing what ya doing

donkra · 07/09/2023 18:29

ValentinaLouise · 07/09/2023 17:53

Do you not eat dinner as a family? Do bath/bed with the kids together etc?

No. The kids have dinner much earlier than us. We do bedtime together sometimes now that both of us are often WFH, but in the days when we were both office-based, we almost never did it together in the week.

FleetwoodMacAttack · 07/09/2023 18:31

I dont think this is a big deal. Those of us with a solid commute and longer working hours have that pattern as standard. Save the cash you have weekends and holidays! The childcare juggle is hard, what if they’re ill etc. 8.30 isn’t that late to have an evening together!

lapsedbookworm · 07/09/2023 18:34

I'd say given the high cost of childcare most people either
-do some kind of juggling arrangement like yours

have family who can help
or take a huge financial hit (whether that's paying childcare or having a non earning parent)

So I don't know if lucky is the word but I would think through all the implications of the alternatives

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