To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

[ValentinaLouise]

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

I think you child is very lucky to get to spend all their time with one parent or the other.

Am I right in thinking that if one of you went to a normal pattern, the other would still be doing shifts? If so, you're only gaining that extra hour a night every other week.
Mornings you can right off- say you get an 8-5 job, you would need to be out of the house early to drop them off at nursery before you start work, or if DH is on lates he can, but still no time together as work for 8am. Finishing at 5, pick up from nursery, ratty little one, can share doing dinner/ bath routine if DH is on earlies- again every other week. Can maybe get little one down for 7 giving you an extra 1.5 hours a night, every other week.

If you're going to make changes, the less expensive option would be to look at buying holiday, if possible, or maybe looking if you or DH could drop a day at work. Either would be way cheaper than paying for full time childcare for 2.

Just because you have a setup that works to some extent it doesn't mean that you can't aim higher. Just be sensible in evaluating your options. I would write out the pros and cons and then look for options that would represent a tangible improvement (and I'm sorry that I have not RTFT, you may have already laid them out). Also watch out for friends who do not want you to do better in life.

If you're both going to continue to work the only way you'll get meals together and both parents there for bath and bed, is if your children spend part of their days in childcare.
Its entirely up to you what you prefer. Neither option is lucky, they're just the choices you have to meet your families needs.

It's good that you can save childcare fees but other than that, it isn't something I'd do.

DH and I work at the same company, we both WFH as much as possible but switch so one of us can pick up DS from nursery slightly earlier. This means that we can usually do dinner and bedtime together as we can be flexible.

That's worth the (expensive!) nursery fees for us but obviously, WFH depends on the job and isn't always possible.

Having now seen the shift patterns, I think the early morning one probably is pretty brutal and would be the one to bear the brunt of the work once they’re in school.

parent 1: work 5am-12.30 then childcare until bedtime

parent 2 childcare morning until 12.30 then working until 8.

If they were school age parent 1 would totally be getting a raw deal compared to parent 2 if you always did the same shift pattern but given you alternate probably fine. Would that always be the case?

You could send the elder one to nursery a couple of days a week, or both really. Then you both get some child free time on each shift as well.

I wouldn't consider changing your set up until your children are at secondary school. Holding a job down when children are constantly sick is a real challenge. If you can manage that without time off work then that is worth its weight in gold. Like many I had to quit a job I had when my children were young as my employers just weren't flexible at all.

You’d be mad to give this up. Lots of families don’t even see each other for an hour at all and some not even at weekends either.

You have a fantastic set up, especially if a child is sick as there will always be a parent with them.

We couldn't live like this, we like to be together as a family.

I'm with you, see what you can both to to change things.

i can see why it would be tiring but you are saving in the region of £10-15k per year per child in nursery fees. Plus potentially needing to use all your leave and even some unpaid parental leave to cover holidays and sick days. Even if you assume no childcare bills once kids are at school (which is highly unlikely as you’d need wraparound and holidays clubs) then you will be saving approx £50k per child. That is a LOT of money.

Personally I used to know people who did this and thought it was my nightmare! Hardly seeing each other, solo parenting and dividing time.
To me the ideal in your situation would be a promotion elsewhere to offset childcare. Is that pie in the sky?

But that is only in case you split up. If you don't then it is fine. I married my boss.

Wow - you are extremely lucky! Short days at work compared to a lot, equal time to parent DC and full weekends. You'd be mad to change anything.

When mine were little my husband worked long hours in Canary Wharf.. left at 5.30am and home around 8 at the earliest.. so I did everything in the week.. so weekends were family time.

I wouldn’t say lucky as you don’t get to see much of each other but it’s pretty normal not to in the week especially if you have demanding careers.

Childcare is another mortgage… per child

I'm a sahm and my husband works regular hours. As soon as he gets home from work I still feel like we're tag-teaming (he does bath, I cook, he washes up, I put to bed). We don't spend much time together really before 2030 even in our scenario.

I'd keep the flexible working if I were you!

My dad was a farmer & my mum was a teacher.
So while my dad was less busy during the winter, Mum was less busy during the summer.
We never got vacays or really any time together as a family, except on Sundays. We took exactly one vacay - and that was to see my brother graduate high school in another state.
That was normal to us. But we were loved. We were well cared for and we had fun.
What’s “normal” for one family is not necessarily normal for another.
As long as you take good care of your kids and they know they’re loved and you and your husband love & care for each other, what more do you need?
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think both of you working in jobs which you enjoy and not having to pay childcare costs is pretty lucky yes. I see what you say about not having much time together but bear in mind I and most of my friends were paying over £2000 a month childcare for 2 kids. For pretty basic hours in a pretty normal setting.

Before giving up this job I would definitely do the sums and look into local childcare options- with your shifts childcare might not actually be possible (most are standard days, max 7.30 am- 6 pm). Personally I think I’d wait until I was out of the expensive childcare years and reconsider when at least one child is at school, unless I could confidently say I could afford it.

What does nursery cost where you are? Here it's £100 per day per child for full time, so very, very expensive for 2.

Your kids will have long days in childcare if you change jobs, is that what you want for them? Assuming you'll be using nursery or childminder

I would look at putting your older child in for a couple of nursery sessions to give you a little break. But keep the shifts because it will save you a lot of money…

Unless both people work 9 - 5 and manage school runs between them, this I believe is your 'grass is greener on the other side', considering (assuming) if you switched jobs, your husband would still be working shift patterns, which if you do switch, you'll see how fortunate your current arrangement is ;-)

I worked 9 - 5 (which are typically weekdat jobs), husband worked shifts (which typically include weekends always!), and trust me, it wasn't working out well! Different sleeping routines and days off and free evenings etc. So I changed jobs to similar shift work and life just became so bliss in that our times matched better. We still don't get to eat all our meals together on work days, but we have more alligned routines.

What you've described is adulting! Both people busy with working 5 days a week, and making the most of weekends together :)

I worked night shift (3 nights, 12.5hr shifts) and dh day shift for ten years when my older two were little. It was pretty hard going until they were in school. It saved a fortune in childcare though. I moved to day shift once ds3 came along and used a childminder and then pre school nursery with wrap round care for him. In some way it was easier. I really appreciated the nights in bed but I think they were long days for ds. Out of the house at 7:45 and often not home until after 6.00. It think you’ve probably got it about as good as it gets while they are little.

Childcare for 2 pre schoolers will be expensive so yes I would say your set up is ideal for now. Lots of parents don't really see each other until evenings or weekends anyway.Have you investigated the cost? You need to stay in this job for now to get your maternity pay too so changing jobs now is an awful idea.

I would wait until you get free hours for both children but even then I would think long and hard as you will always have school holidays and maybe wrap around school care to arrange if you both work 9-5.

It will be nice while you are on maternity, if his shifts mean you actually get more time together than normal couples, swings and roundabouts.

Might be worth changing to have more time together when the kids are school age.

Meanwhile use the money saved on childcare on wonderful holidays together.