To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

[ValentinaLouise]

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

I'd say given the high cost of childcare most people either
-do some kind of juggling arrangement like yours

• have family who can help
• or take a huge financial hit (whether that's paying childcare or having a non earning parent)

So I don't know if lucky is the word but I would think through all the implications of the alternatives

I think you're lucky, most people would be very grateful to be in that situation to be honest. We have no family help and three children and childcare costs can be crippling. Plus time off work if one or other of the children is sick.

We do eat as a family during the week, mostly, but it's not some sort of luxurious dinner situation, it's usually a bit of a rush job.

At the moment our kids have tea and are in bed at 7pm so we don't all sit down together at dinner time. We also alternate bath and bed so that one of us can cook dinner while the other sorts the kids out. Often we don't even eat together as one of us will go out and do exercise/see friends etc. So we barely have decent time together during the week.

Where I see a downside is that if you are doing opposite shifts neither of you can go out or do anything out of the home in the evening. But I'd 100% suck it up for no childcare fees!

I think your friend terming it 'lucky' might have got my back up. You're still making sacrifices just different ones!

Other have said it, but as long as you are happy at work and with your salary you have absolutely nothing to gain by moving to a different job. Childcare costs. You have permanent guilt about leaving your child with someone else. You end up both being tired and grumpy at the same time. All the chores are either done very first thing or last thing at night. And you still get stuck with only having family time at the weekend.

It’s definitely a good setup financially saving on the childcare … however I’m not sure I could live like that ships passing in the night I’d prefer to be together and home more.
will the new job with paid childcare for 2 still
mean you can live comfortably?

You’re saving a big chunk of money on nursery fees, and once your children are at school you’ll also be saving a huge amount on holiday clubs/wrap around care. That your dc don’t need additional paid for childcare does make you exceptionally lucky.

DH & I did a mix when our dc were younger - we split days during the working week, using playgroup/childminder to plug the gaps on a couple of days, then dh would work afternoons/late nights whilst I worked mornings during the school holidays. The ships that pass on the night feelings were placated by the massive saving we were making on childcare. School holidays have been the same for us for the last 14 years really since ds1 started school (our dc are now 18, 16 & 13) and we used to split the days, then take 2 weeks off together to do stuff as a family. We don’t need to now, the dc are much more self reliant, but it definitely worked for us when they were younger.

Me and DH have chosen a similar set up but with no days off together. It works for us as there is always someone at home for DC and to run the house. We won’t do it forever but having done the alternative (working Mon-Fri and paying for nursery) this set up is much more stress free- there is always food in the house, dinner ready after being on shift, laundry done and no anxiety about losing days off work for DC sickness. We have a fair few colleagues who do the same thing!

Yes, you are super lucky! No, many of us don’t manage family dinners/bath and bed together.

I think what you have now sounds ideal tbh. Having a parent at home all day makes things so much easier. No rushing to get the tea on when you get in from work and better meals as you have more time to cook, household chores done during the week, keep on top of the laundry and shopping so you don’t spend time at the weekend doing them, no issues if the children are Ill/school or nursery shuts for a random day. Not having to rush to get the children up and to childcare early in the morning. Being there for first days/sports day/school assemblies. Not having to cover 13 weeks of school holidays, plus random training days/snow days/polling day/broken boiler day/teacher strikes etc.

The only pros I can think of are that you can all eat together.

Dh works a week of earlies and a week of lates. When I was working full time finishing at 5 and dh was on lates, I had to sort the dc, tea, clubs, baths, homework etc, it was really hard going and I’d be absolutely knackered by the end of the week. Your working pattern sounds much more preferable.

No, we don't have dinner together, one of us is usually working a bit too late for a family dinner. One of us does bedtime, the other does tidying, getting school stuff ready for the next day, cooking the adult dinner.

You may gain an hour together in the evening as a couple, possibly as a family but your mornings will be much more rushed. You'll find one of you has to be less available at work to ensure you get to pick up on time and you'll be spending a minimum of £1200 a month on childcare.

I don’t think you’re lucky per se; but you’re fortunate for sure. Realistically, you’d be out of pocket for not that much together time if you were to swap jobs. Although I absolute do see how it’s not as ideal as it might be perceived by some 💐

Well if you’re going to paying full time childcare for two kids you will be looking at minimum of £1500 a month. More if you’re in the south.
Yes you can get a little help with the 20% top up and of course once kids hit 3+ you’ll get 30 hours each but only in term time and you’ll still need to pay food costs etc.

I have two young children, one in full time funded and one in school so only goes for after school club and my invoice is still in the £1k remit.

So if those figures are workable and make it worth the extra hours to might find in the week then look into other roles. If however they make you feel sick to be committed to it for minimum of 4 years before school starts then you might be wise to stay as you are!

As you have weekend together I think you would lose more than gain if you swapped.
Childcare for 2 would cost thousands a year. It would be same as another mortgage.
I think concept of family dinner each night would fall flat in reality. You’d only get when he was on earlier shifts anyway.
Longer term your set up will mean zero holiday childcare too.

I’d say you have a set up that most people can only dream of……no childcare fees, no having to take time off work if the kids are ill, no having to get the kids up and ready and out in time for nursery drop off every morning, no panicking to pick them up in time when the traffic is bad on the way home, you both get to do activities and share the childcare and chores…..ok, you’re like passing ships Monday to Friday but so are most couples where both work. Even finding childcare for 2 at once could be difficult, particularly if you kept doing shifts and only wanted part time hours.

You'd be mad to put your children in nursery when you don't need to. This 'family time' that you're idealising doesn't exist for any working families during the week. It's one mad juggle of pick ups and drop offs from one end of the week to the other.

Why on earth would you want to switch from what you've got to paying thousands per month for chaos?

You're so lucky to be able to do what you do. Your children are cared for by you and their dad. You have no extortionate childcare bills and your family time is at the weekend. Just like everyone else.

I think I'd have to agree!

"But so what? Being ships that pass in the night is not much fun."

They're not though are they? They are home at 8.30 together. They pass in the day ffs.

If you both had ‘typical’ 7-hour office jobs, the mornings from 6.30 onwards would be tag-teaming showers and breakfasts and getting 2 smalls out the door to nursery/childcare. Hell. Deffo not quality time whatsoever. One person would do the childcare drop-off and start work at 9, one person would start work earlier and finish earlier to collect from childcare. Evenings the person in first would do dinner, then maybe other parent might do bath & bed while first parent cleans up and preps to
do it all gain tomorrow. Maybe an hour to relax together before bedtime…

Then you’ve got the arguments over whose work day is more important when the kids are (inevitably) sick.

I’d count your blessings, OP, and just make the most of the weekends.

The fact you both have weekends off is really good. Personally, from a financial point of view and the fact you can both spend time with your son I would stick to it. I'm sure it's certainly exhausting though as sounds like if you aren't at work you are with your child? Possibly not, I'm assuming you can sleep at some point. But there are definitely perks and if you can muddle through the week and make the weekends really precious then I would stay. Perhaps use money that you would spend on childcare (which is crazy expensive) if you had to, use it to take your weekends as special and lovely as possible. Dinner's out, weekend treats etc

@ValentinaLouise - surely you’re used to the amount you see each other as you worked these shifts prior to DC being born?

I hardly see my DH who works late shifts (incl 2/3 weekends) so as I’m a 9-5 guess whose the default parent on his shift

Factor in x2 FT nursery fees as they don’t allow you to change their attendance bi weekly to suit shift patterns, easily likely to be around 2k a month…is that worth it just to be able to see one another in the evenings every other week?

I’d think very carefully before switching. Two in nursery could easily be more than £2k a month.

Do you not eat dinner as a family? Do bath/bed with the kids together etc?

Nope- never have really been able to do that. Because of our commutes one person does mornings and one evenings. We generally don’t get to sit down together until 8 at the earliest. You really are in danger of swapping to something that won’t be that much better but will come with a big bill.

I think this set up means the mental load is assuredly reasonably distributed. Which is priceless. P

I think you are over estimating how much time the average family or even just couple with 2 kids spend together in the week. Lots of people are single parents or have at least one parent who either works unsociable hours/much more changeable shifts or just very long hours due to high pressure job/long commute, so it would be normal for them not to see the kids at all in the evenings. Lots of kids are in some form of childcare both before and after school, or do activities several times a week, which, with parents ferrying multiple kids to different places, means they are like ships in the night . Some people go to bed by 9 even if they don't work shifts. I don't think there are many families where both parents and children are all home by 5:30pm, have tea together and then spend the evening together, every night.

I've found that some people hear 'lucky' and interpret it as 'easy' and think it discounts everything else they've done, the hard work they put in, the other issues people might be affected by, etc. But it's just a word, and everything is relative - someone could be 'lucky' they have childcare they trust with their kids and is reliable, doesn't mean they can't simultaneously resent that it costs them a fortune. We could all be considered 'lucky' we even have jobs to go to, doesn't mean we're not exhausted from them or didn't work hard to get them. People with fertility issues might think anyone who has kids is lucky.

I think all your friends mean is that you're lucky to have this option, which lots of people don't. It doesn't mean it makes your life easy, and if doesn't work for you then by all means change it. But don't get resentful just because of a word choice.

I don’t think I’d love the set up, but I’d definitely suck it up for 2 full time incomes and zero childcare when they’re small. Plus 50/50 with your partner is awesome as I feel so many women do childcare all day and then do an evening work shift which must be exhausting!

Lots of families don’t see each other much in the week. Or one of them has to work weekends. And they’re shelling out a lot in nursery fees too.

I can’t quite work out what time your shift change is. Will that be an issue for school timings?

I think you have the perfect arrangement. As long as your job isn't absolutely awful, I would put up with that until the children are a bit older.