To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

[ValentinaLouise]

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

Oh and car time is 20 mins each way

You're very fortunate OP.

My DH works long hours, often miles away from home. He is out the door at half 5 and I don't see him until late. Last night he got back at quarter past 9.

It does mean I do bath/bed/dinner for the kids on my own a lot, plus work full time, plus have to pay childcare costs on top of that.

No family time here during the week - we do make the most of our weekends together.

Was the same for me growing up - Sundays were Family days, I hardly saw my mum during the working week.

I think you’re in a great position. Yes you miss out on family meal times but I’d give that up for the huge benefit of no childcare

While I get the financial argument, I also think it sound pretty hard, and quite tiring for you! With a 2 year old and baby your weekdays are going to be full on one of you could potentially be up at 430 am to get to work and then doing a full stint and then another 8 hours alone with two little ones? I think that sounds quite hard?

yes exactly we do a full day at work and then look after our son for the rest and soon to be 2 under 3! It will be tiring :)

Yes I think that’s a great setup. Haven’t you looked at childcare costs and realised how much you are (and will be) saving!
If I were you I think it’d be worth looking into one of you going down to a 4 day week? Hopefully it’s be cheaper than childcare but you’d see more of each other?

A 9-5 job might easily be 8-6pm with a commute, you’d be paying childcare and actually not getting a lot of evening time before kids are asleep anyway!

Yes but if you wanted to do that you would have to pay for child care.

Only you can decide if it is worth it.

Well you could keep the same jobs and pay for some child care to give you both a break.

Having one of you cook dinner and wash up while the other supervises bedtime isn"t really quality time together.

I'll echo this. How does family time work at the weekends around mealtimes/bathtime/bedtime? You'll just have more of that... but probably not much "proper" quality time of the sort you get at the weekend (e.g. activities in the mornings and afternoons in between mealtimes).

Well you could keep the same jobs and pay for some child care to give you both a break.

Personally I'd probably continue as is to have the young years with the parents, use the 15 hours childcare when the oldest turns 3, maybe 2 mornings and 2 afternoons a week so they start the social stuff and the youngest gets you exclusively, and when they are school age look at a possible change to have more family time when they finish school. Childcare can really really add up and if you changed to 9-5 unless your DH can then go to static shifts you'll need full days childcare every day for 2 children which will be over a thousand a month sacrifice and when he's on evenings you still won't get an evening together?

I spend 20k a year on childcare and work shifts that mean I sometimes don’t get to see my husband until half 8 of an evening up to 3x a week and sometimes don’t get weekends with the family!!

you are incredibly lucky

Of course you’re lucky. When our DC were tiny, my DH left the house at 6am every week morning and got home anytime between 8-11pm. He only saw our DC on the weekends. Some week nights I saw him for 1 or 2 hours, other nights I would already be asleep when he got in.

Sounds like a great arrangement with the split of chores and childcare and no childcare costs or relying on others to help out.

If you both work the same shift you'll both be working a full day, coming home looking after 2 kids/putting them to bed, cooking dinner and trying to fit in housework. Actually in my experience loads of stuff gets left to the weekend so you end up sacrificing that time too.

I don't think I'd love your situation, but the alternative is no better - and a lot more expensive

I totally refute all the people who say you only get to see each other at the weekends! Myself and dh on the weekdays I work (I generally work Saturday and Sunday), see each other around half seven, have tea with the kids, chat, story time for kids after checking homework, watch a bit of tv with kids then catch up ourselves (if we’re not working- I write, he codes)

It depends really, you are and you aren't. Me an dmy husband are in the exact same position as you, but I work in the week and he works over the weekend - but if we didn't do this, we would be spending a fortune on childcare! But it is rubbish not spending much time together, we just try and make the time we do have worthwhile.

My husband and I work opposites. We have 5 kids aged 9 years- 8 months. I dropped to part time to make it a bit easier. What is the alternative set up like? Are you going to be out at same time as each other? Or working different days? I wouldn’t change from my current set up- it’s worked well for 9 years now for us. It means we always have someone there for the kids regardless of school holidays, sick days, strike days etc. Plus no childcare fees.

When my dc were small dh was away Sunday to Friday every week for work, I'd have much rather been in your position!

Unless you were to get a massively huge rise with any new role to cover child care costs your standard of living will go down just because of that.

If both manage to keep house going during the week hopefully your weekend is free from too much cleaning and tidying so free to enjoy free time individually and family time. Also there is less scope for resentment as you are both pulling your weight. Spending that hour together every evening just having a chat/ cup of tea is important.

But 5.30 is an early start and ye must be both very tired with the shift plus childcare. Most people work ir do childcare all day but ye are doing both. It's not totally without disadvantage but definitely work continuing until school.
As ye spent full time with your dc all week l would have a babysitter every Saturday night to have some couple time for dinner out/ cinema/ meeting friends/ just a walk to keep the spark going.

2 x under 3 year olds is going to be at least £2k per month on childcare. More likely upwards of £2.5k per month. Is it even an option?

It might be worth sticking out until they’re both at school and then thinking about your options. I pay about £1000 per year in playscheme (3 days per week every holiday) and after school club once a week. We do this so that me have leave as a family rather than separately. I totally understand the need for family time but your situation during the week isn’t vastly different to a lot of peoples…

This sounds amazing to me. Me and husband both do 9-5 hours but I do 8-4.30 and he does 9.30-6pm. So he does drop offs and I do pick ups and bath and bed time. Then usually I will go back to work for an hour while he makes dinner and then we would have dinner together (sometimes) but not when he's in London (two days a week). So we don't see eachother much until the weekend.

I think most families with two full time working parents see very little of eachother until the weekend.

This. You effectively have the set up of a stay at home parent but with a dual income. I would seriously consider if you want to change even when your dcs go to school.

Could you afford to pay £1k+ in childcare a month? If you could, having evenings together and not working super early would be so much better but not many people can find that money.

I’m sure the early shift days are pretty tiring. Up at 4ish, 8 hours work and then look after a toddler all afternoon and do bedtime etc alone. Likewise dealing with a toddler alone from potentially 6am to noon and then putting in an 8 hour shift sounds hard too. But the trade off is you aren’t paying for childcare, and also you alternate weeks so you both experience each shift.

At 3 your toddler will get presumably 30 funded childcare hours. Then you’d both get a some toddler free hours every day. And you could always pay for some childcare for younger one if you feel you need a break.

It’s an excellent setup for school too to avoid afterschool care, but still have some downtime in the day.

I wouldn't switch jobs until the children are in school unless you can find a position that will pay lots and easily cover childcare and then some.