To think we aren’t “super lucky” about this?

[ValentinaLouise]

Talking to a friend today about how I may potentially switch jobs at some point after maternity leave. She has said I’m a fool to do that and right now me and DH are “super lucky”. I’m not so sure but it’s certainly made me think! And although obviously we have to decide this, it would be interesting to see what others though.

me and DH work at the same place on alternative shifts, switching weekly. So we currently bring DS to work with us and the other goes home with him again, if that makes sense. So yes, we are lucky that there is always one of us available and we don’t need childcare, but this does mean we don’t see each other apart from a quick kiss until 8:30pm every day, it feels like we are solo parents for half a day until the weekend (obviously not I’m aware it’s definitely not even close to having to do it on your own) but not sure how to explain it. It’s good because we split everything 50/50, when I’m on lates I do what he does on earlies, etc. regarding cleaning/cooking/child stuff. Means DS is just as close to both of us, etc. and I do see the perks but it feels like we just never do anything as a family until the weekend. We obviously see each other for about an hour in the evenings too but then the one on earlies needs to go to bed, etc. it’s nice we do get to spend the weekend together of course though but I’m not sure this is such a “super lucky” situation? We obviously get double income and no childcare costs and again, we can split things equally but I do feel we are missing out on a lot as a family and have to do everything solo, but kind of just tag teaming it. Not sure.

would it be silly to change jobs in this situation? Is this a situation you would be glad to have?

Thinking ahead, I actually think you might benefit long term for family time - so many couples I know struggle to get any holiday time together as leave is juggled around school holidays! If you are already covering childcare that won't be a problem for you, and the money saved on nursery fees in the early years will mean extra to spend on holidays/weekends together so have the most fun!

I think you have a great situation, OP. While your children are young, this could work very well for your family. Even when they start primary school it is nice to be able to pick them up and be at home with them rather than them attending after school club. And think of all the sick days, inset days and holidays that won’t be a problem for your family!

My children had almost never had their Dad home for weeknight dinner until the Covid lockdowns. They thought it was the best thing about the pandemic!

Most working parents don't have to leave for work at 4.30am though!

It does sound tiring OP. But worth it I think for the money you are saving.

This thread has made me realise just how lucky I am. I work 7am-2pm Monday to Friday and my husband works 9-5 from home so he does all the nursery drop offs at 8.30am and I pick ds up at 3.30. He's 3 so he gets 30 funded hours and is also looked after by grandparents a couple of days, so we have no childcare bill at all anymore. It will work similarly when he goes to school. We also get every evening from 5pm together to eat and do the bedtime routine and every weekend together. I will make sure to count my blessings in future!

My partner used to work away all week and sometimes do overtime on the weekend, I work full time with some late evenings. He now works closer to home so travels in. We really only have the weekend to do things, however, also catch up with household chores, take the dog to dog club and have football matches for my son.

In the week my son also goes swimming and plays football.

Working opposites helps you manage childcare and I always find that regardless there is limited time to have quality time in the week so both having weekends off is great 😃

It sounds to me as if you are pretty fortunate/sorted as things are, to both be able to enjoy/share the responsibilities of young children and have time to get to know them/build a relationship. I realise that not having time together as much as you'd like must be hard, but this is relatively short-term in that once the children enter school your routine will change. Maybe you could find a way to have one weekend a month to yourselves, and make family plans the other three, if you feel the need to be that organized. To be honest, soon enough your lives will revolve around their interests and hobbies, and you might just all learn to enjoy having time to simply 'be'.

But all working parents have to look after their kids after working a full day. Yes they don’t all have to leave at 4.30 for work, but loads and loads and loads of kids wake up early. My daughter isn’t one, I’m super super super lucky with her. My son woke before 5am until the age of 8. And I worked, and still had to look after him. As all working parents have to do.
yes leaving for work at 4.30am is early and it absolutely is tiring, but I don’t know if I see the relevance of op and her partner working a full day and then having to look after the child (which was the point I was quoting and responding to).

I think you have a really good set up
as you’re bringing in two salaries and don’t have childcare costs. Usually nearly all of one persons salary goes on childcare, which will definitely be the case with two children.

You are also getting an hour together each evening which is all other families also get. Really, weekends is the only family time for most people.

I would definitely continue this set up until they start school. Save your income for nice holidays and other niceties instead.

Ok so I need some honest opinions please on whether I am responsible for killing my brothers dog.
I will explain as briefly as possible. DB's dog and ours do not get along at all. DB is primary carer for my mum and when he brings her to visit he brings his elderly dog as he doesn't like leaving her alone. (When we go there we leave our younger dog at home). We live about an hour apart and visit roughly once a month . So two weeks ago they visited ,usual chaos of the dogs barking and chasing each other around the house interspersed with short periods of calm. After a couple of hours DB dog became unsteady and her legs were giving way which was obviously concerning so they went home . Dog continues to deteriorate over the next week and a visit to the vet confirms she had a stroke (possibly brought on by stress). She has now sadly gone over the rainbow bridge.
I am absolutely gutted for my DB but she was 15 and had been gradually deteriorating for a while ,however he blames me (my dog ) and is not even speaking to me now.
AIBU (or just hopeful )to think actually it could have happened any time and it's not actually my fault?

Maybe start a new thread?

Sounds like a really good set up!

We both work 9-5 so neither got to spend any time with kids, childcare cost
a bomb and we didn’t see each other until the evening.

yours sounds better for spending time with kids, saving on childcare and the same in terms of time together.

8.30 isn't that late tbf. DP often works until 7/8 and starts at 9am. So I'd stick with it until school age

Some DPs don’t get home until late due to distance from office and transport therefore family time is also restricted to weekends plus they have to pay cc. Your DC is lucky to have both parents looking after them and you for no charges for childcare.

It sounds good to me! Stay as you are until they are both at school and then reassess.

I don't think you're going to get very much family time if you switch jobs. It is simply unrealistic. Paying for childcare for 2 will = your mortgage.

Trust me, even if you both work the same hours time together will be limited as there is always other things to be doing!

This set up would be ideal for most families as both parents get a great relationship with DC, have 50/50 household responsibilities and time as a family on the weekends without the exorbitant childcare costs! You’d be crazy to lose that IMHO

Depends if the advantages are worth it for you! As I see it you’re lucky to save on childcare and parent equally. Those are massive. I would hate to work shifts long term though!

We were able to work out plenty of the pros and cons ourselves @Ladybug14 but quite frankly, we can afford to use childcare, obviously saving on it is nice but I do also think plenty of people on here do not understand our shift pattern is maybe not as great as some see. The earlies are hard and to the people saying “every working parent parents their child from work” sure but if you’re both 9-5, then you’re both at home, one doing one thing, one doing the other, even if not together. You’re not up and out at 4:30 and then getting home and sorting a baby (will be 2) dinner and cleaning and you can’t let it fall on the other, as they will have the exact same. It’s financially good, yes, but there is downfalls too!

person saying to just do stuff in the evening as 8:30 isn’t late anyway… it’s late for one person to be getting in and the other is getting up at 4 the next day, so by the time one is showered, eaten, the other is fucking knackered after being up at 4am and then having baby and sorting with house stuff until the other is home.

im happy to see so many think it’s lucky, but some are being a bit extreme by misunderstanding some things. I’m not necessarily looking to start doing activities as a family outside of work in the week… but from my perspective I can see 2 9-5 parents very lucky in lots of ways compared to us! With the only downfall being the money, which if it isn’t a huge issue anyway, is then about weighing up if that extra is better than the fact you have 2 parents at home outside of work… and aren’t both soloing it during all awake hours… from 4am (to the person saying some kids get up early 😂 well yeah, it’s not as if we aren’t aware of that either when one of us is on the late shift!) we are perfectly aware of a baby waking up through the night and having to also then deal with that equally with one having to still then get up at 4 for work but the other can’t pick it all up as they are in until 8pm themselves so need sleep too. It isn’t as perfect and amazing as some on here are saying either 🙄

I think you’d be silly to start racking up childcare bills just so you can eat together in the evening. Because this is essentially all you’ll be gaining? If everything else is okay at your job, I would seriously consider staying as you are for the time being.

My partner works 5-12:30 and I’m a teacher so leave the house at 7 and the time I get home varies, earliest I would get home would be 4:30 (although this is rare). I’m currently pregnant with our (for both of us) first. The “plan*” is that I will drop DC off at his adult nieces (she has kindly offered to do childcare) on the way to work and DP will collect DC on his way home.
At the moment though when I get home from work, which is usually between 5:30-6 all I do is a bit of housework, have tea and then we just watch TV until bedtime. We go to bed at 9 because of his early start, so I wouldn’t quite call it quality time.

*the plan may change as there is a chance of him either being made redundant (hopefully voluntary) or being moved to another site where the shifts are different. 6-2 one week then 2-10 the next week or possible working nights.

I agree there are downfalls. But I think what most people have said is that the pros outweigh the downfalls for most
of us. I would prefer your situation over both parents out the home and paying for
childcare and children being brought up by others.
I am getting the feeling you’re not happy that people think your situation is good, but I think you really might see what we all mean if you do chAnge jobs. I don’t think you would gain much and you’d be losing an entire full time wage on childcare basically.
and yeah actually getting up with a child at 4am as a single parent, working all day and then having to parent your child to bed time along with housework is what most single parents have to do and what a lot of non single parents have to do aswell, because the other parent is at work until after bedtime or out of the house. That’s literally what people have been saying on here, but you think we are just seeing the bad or something. For 8 years I was a single parent, I got up pre 5am with my son, worked a full day (12 hours with multiple children as a childminder) and then parented him to bedtime. And then I sat on my own, and had no family time on the weekend either 😂
what I’m saying is with young children it’s not unusual to have to get up at 4/5am and work and then have to parent your children, that could still be the case whatever your job.

I find this strangely reassuring. We are in this bracket maybe just over with two kids. We have two brand new expensive cars, a for bed smallish house, lovely holidays (2xuk and 1x6k) a year, eat out regularly and generally have a good lifestyle. But my husband seems to think we should be living in a mansion. We couldn't afford a much bigger house or private school unless we considerably changed our lifestyle.

You’re doing well .. you’ve got your priorities ok, as far as they go nowadays with mothers given no paid time to look after their children, which should be offered by the state. They grow so fast need so much. You have a good husband they have a good father.. that’s what / they you need. Give each other a high five as you pass in the hall

I think I would wait and see what it is like with 2 children and after maternity leave before making a decision (surely you want to stay put for your maternity pay and go back to work for the required time to not have to pay maternity pay back). If it feels too much with both of you working full time on split shifts and then effectively having to look after the children for the rest of the day (which does sound like it could be exhausting with 2 under 3) you could choose to pay for some childcare on some days of the week… E.g a child minder who could have them for a few hours in the middle of the day on set days each week so you both would benefit from a bit of a break. In reality the early years are hard whatever you are working.. my husband and I supposedly work 8-6 jobs.. and so should have evenings together… when the kids are that little it really didn’t pan out that way. You say without full time childcare for two you are able to save some money, I would use that money so that you have some to spend on doing nice things at the weekends/ can outsource some of the effort.. E.g cleaner so that you can save your quality time at weekends to enjoy each others company… and during the week you can just focus on the necessary tasks. Also you will not be having to take leave/ pay for childcare you can’t use when the little ones are sick…

Due to my DH's job he works evenings and weekends. He works in an industry that is the most active when other people have leisure time. So we have very little family time. In the winter due to DCs sporting commitments we have Sunday afternoons together!
I would love every weekend and 1 hour every evening and everything split 50/50 with the added bonus of no childcare costs.