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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t seem to have a say in naming my baby

178 replies

Littlemissdj · 06/09/2023 16:10

Keen to hear other perspectives..

I am 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby. DP has 2 DC from a previous relationship, A DD 16 and DS 13.

Since we found out we are having a girl, I have had 2 top contenders with names which I’ve liked for years and always thought I would use them. DP hasn’t suggested any names yet. My first choice, DP has now said no to because his DD said it sounds similar to her name. Let’s say the name I wanted was Mia and his DDs name is Maliah. He also feels like his DD will feel replaced. My second choice he said no because one of his cousins is called that name.

We got into a small argument over this and he said I am not being fair if I select either name.

AIBU to go with the names or shall I just keep thinking of some? I’ve ruled out a lot.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 06/09/2023 16:12

If you're not married you can name the baby without him. Please say she's getting your surname?

sheworemellowyellow · 06/09/2023 16:13

Ordinarily I would say you get first choice, but Mia + Maliah really are a bit too close together. And yes, you are entering into motherhood with two step-children, you can't pretend they don't exist. Doesn't mean they get veto rights, but does mean you can't ignore valid concerns.

The cousin thing is different though. Totally okay to pick a name for your child that's the same as one of your husband's cousins!

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 06/09/2023 16:13

I mean, him saying no to two names is hardly the same as you not having a say at all, is it?

id think of some more names personally, you both need to agree and I don’t think your opinion is more valid than his.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/09/2023 16:14

Bit dramatic OP- i wouldn’t expect my husband to want a name he didn’t like or vice versa.

Mrsjayy · 06/09/2023 16:15

Do a list of maybe 10 then you get turns each of veto.hes has 2 already so you are onto a head start. Imagine your stepdaughter wouldn't want a sister with a name near hers it's a bit odd isn't it ? The cousin thing is a personal choice maybe use 1 of them as a middle name.

Jennalong · 06/09/2023 16:17

Do you live with him & how long have you been together ?
I feel those questions are relevant as to that word compromise.
If you don't live together and the relationship is fairly shortish ( let's say 3 years )
Then I'd be naming the baby my choices , and my surname for sure.
If you are in a long term committed relationship , then perhaps his reasons are valid if the name is a near match.

Hellocatshome · 06/09/2023 16:17

Presuming you actually like your DP why wouldn't you want to share naming the baby with him.

My husband vetoed one of my names because there was a boy at his school with that name and he was a bully.

Naming a baby is the first of many things you are going to have to do together and decisions you are going to have to make together. If you are throwing your toys out of the pram over him not liking two of your suggestions I would worry about how the rest of raising a baby together is going to go.

DuploTrain · 06/09/2023 16:17

I think discussing the names with his children (or anyone else) is always a mistake personally.

I do agree that having a sibling with a similar name is a good reason to veto though.
The cousin one less so. I wouldn’t name my baby the same as my cousin personally, but it wouldn’t bother lots of people. Maybe push for that one if you really feel strongly about it.

Elfandwellbeing · 06/09/2023 16:18

He is also allowed to have say about the name, whatever the reasons. Suggest use them as middle names. Your child deserves a unique name anyway not a spin off of other relatives. Let this one go.

MintJulia · 06/09/2023 16:18

My dscs wanted to name our ds and my ex was in agreement. They chose a first name that i liked but the second name was so outrageous that I dug my heels in, refused point blank to allow it and over-ruled them.

I was happy to compromise on their first name and a second name of my choice.

Can you find a similar compromise? Mia and Malia are quite similar.

And if you aren't married, please make sure the baby has your surname. I didn't and it was a mistake.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/09/2023 16:19

He has vetoed two names because of fairly valid reasons (assuming it isn't a distant cousin he never sees). I think that's fairly normal when you have a baby, neither me or my husband got our top 3 or 4 choices as the other didn't like it, we came to a compromise which meant we had names we both liked but wasn't either of our first choices. I think saying you haven't got a say is a bit dramatic

ActDottie · 06/09/2023 16:19

You need a name you both agree on.

Currently pregnant and discussing names with my husband and my top five he didn’t like so we’ve had to search for a name we both like as it is both our child. He also came up with names he liked that I didn’t.

Elfandwellbeing · 06/09/2023 16:20

And do not discuss names with his children. It is not their opinion that matters here.

Snittle · 06/09/2023 16:21

My DH didn’t like any of my top 10 names, I didn’t like any of his. We kept looking until we found something we both liked/loved. That’s how joint decisions work.

PackBacker · 06/09/2023 16:22

Jointly choose another first name and use your surname.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/09/2023 16:23

Agree with him re the first name sounding like his dd's. Would you want two of your children to be called Alice and Alicia for example?

The cousin having the same name is irrelevant though.....

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/09/2023 16:23

And also, you are going to have to chose a name you both like....not always easy and may involve some compromise

Whattodo112222 · 06/09/2023 16:25

Its 2 names OP..

FloweryName · 06/09/2023 16:26

Your DH is right about not naming this baby something similar to her sister, but using a cousins name or not is just personal choice.

you can’t name your baby with something the baby’s father actively dislikes for whatever reason, it’s his baby too. That doesn’t mean you have no say, it means you have to compromise.

Original poster
Littlemissdj · 06/09/2023 16:28

Thank you for the replies so far. We agreed the middle name to honour his late sister. I didn’t like the name as I know someone with the name that made my life a living hell but that wasn’t what was important so I’ve let that go. The surname will be double barrelled. He declined our baby having my surname alone.

I’ve sent more names to him and all met with No’s. I am not overly keen on them but they are nice enough. Think I’ll just have to let my favourites go and put this to bed. I have asked for his input for several weeks but no suggestions from him yet.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 06/09/2023 16:29

Those are very valid reasons to cross names off the list.

Only being willing to consider 2 names is unreasonable

whynotwhatknot · 06/09/2023 16:31

he declined did he-well thats not up to him legally

Noorandapples · 06/09/2023 16:33

If he can't even be bothered to suggest names he shouldn't get a say at all. It's also a bit weird to say no to a name for being similar to his other daughter's, surely a kind of matching name to hers is a good thing? Maybe mention to her how you'd like her input to find her sister a name to complement hers?

Cattenberg · 06/09/2023 16:35

I think either partner should be able to veto names and that it’s better to end up with a name you both like than a name that one of you loves and the other one hates.

He shouldn’t just be vetoing everything without making alternative suggestions, though.

As you’re not married, it will be your responsibility to register the birth (with or without your DP). So, if you really can’t agree, in practice you’ll end up with the final say. I wonder if he realises this?

Sirzy · 06/09/2023 16:38

They are perfectly valid reasons to discount a name. Especially it being the so similar to his daughter.

you both need to work together to find a name you both agree on.