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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t seem to have a say in naming my baby

178 replies

Littlemissdj · 06/09/2023 16:10

Keen to hear other perspectives..

I am 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby. DP has 2 DC from a previous relationship, A DD 16 and DS 13.

Since we found out we are having a girl, I have had 2 top contenders with names which I’ve liked for years and always thought I would use them. DP hasn’t suggested any names yet. My first choice, DP has now said no to because his DD said it sounds similar to her name. Let’s say the name I wanted was Mia and his DDs name is Maliah. He also feels like his DD will feel replaced. My second choice he said no because one of his cousins is called that name.

We got into a small argument over this and he said I am not being fair if I select either name.

AIBU to go with the names or shall I just keep thinking of some? I’ve ruled out a lot.

OP posts:
Mylovelygreendress · 06/09/2023 18:28

Has he said what he wants ?
Don’t be bullied OP. One of my DSD had every name she suggested for their DC overruled. Her husband ( helped by his mother!) insisted on choosing all names . She hates one of the names and was so sad she couldn’t pick at least one name .

Yokaiwatch · 06/09/2023 18:32

@Littlemissdj my DH was the same with our most recent baby - he had zero suggestions but would say no to those I suggested. So I made a shortlist of names that I liked that I knew he would have no obvious objections to and when the baby was born we discussed them. It resulted in us picking between those names what name the baby suited and we liked. I don’t know why he wouldn’t suggest names , he just said he couldn’t think of any!

I think you should do what I did and wait until you meet your baby with your shortlist of names (maybe no more than 5 names) and hopefully he will be happy to pick from them.

You both should like the name, don’t just agree with a name he suggests - you need to like it too! And remember you can have more than one middle name so if you want your mum’s name or whatever put it in too!

congratulations btw, squishy new babies are the best x

Timeforchangeplease · 06/09/2023 18:32

He already has 2 children and you are not married. The baby should have your surname and your choice of name. You'll regret it otherwise. Trust me I've been there.

Iknowthis1 · 06/09/2023 18:33

So what if his cousin has the same name?

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 18:34

He doesn't get to decline you only putting your name on the birth cert.

It isn't his decision.

You don't even have to name him on the birth cert.

You are not married to him.

He doesn't get to decline anything.

I would be most concerned about you if you were my daughter.

AbbeyGailsParty · 06/09/2023 18:37

I think you’ve compromised enough.
He’s chosen the middle name and you’ve risen above your dislike of it.
Youve agreed to double-barrelling the surnames, you don’t have to.
You should choose baby’s first name.

Calmdown14 · 06/09/2023 18:38

If you are honouring his late sister with the middle name I can see why he wouldn't want a cousin's name first. Then it sort of trumps his sister which takes away from what you are trying to do.

For someone who won't agree easily try the 'or' game. Louisa or Catherine and he has to pick one. Then if it's Louisa, Louisa or jasmine. And on it goes but at least you always have a preference rather than nothing!

IAmAnIdiot123 · 06/09/2023 18:48

Mylovelygreendress · 06/09/2023 18:28

Has he said what he wants ?
Don’t be bullied OP. One of my DSD had every name she suggested for their DC overruled. Her husband ( helped by his mother!) insisted on choosing all names . She hates one of the names and was so sad she couldn’t pick at least one name .

I just don't understand how this happens. We were lucky we just agreed with eachother when we named our kids but there were A LOT that were vetoed before we agreed!

Why did the MIL have any say? I don't thunk I even spoke to mine about names, my GMIL kept calling my DS by a different name (weirdly my ex's but she didn't know this) which was irritating but I juat ignored her until she stopped.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2023 18:48

I really wouldn't agree to name my baby after someone who gave me suicidal thoughts op.

poetryandwine · 06/09/2023 18:58

OP,

I am also wondering about a back story here.

I get the Mia/Maliah example but not using the name of a cousin DP isn’t close to, when he is otherwise fine with it and you love it, is another story.

Especially given the background. Does DP know that his late sister shared a name with someone who almost drove you to suicide? If so, declining this second name as well as the other choices you’ve offered is really not on.

This leads to my bigger question of how protected you feel in this relationship. Is DP paying his fair share of expenses for the child? Are you expected to fund them? Does he treat you fairly in general and make you feel cherished and cared for?

I also don’t think he gets to decline giving your DD your surname. The less cared for you are, the stronger this statement is.
I don’t know how you and he feel about marriage but my opinion is that if he wants to share a name with DD then he can offer you both the legal protections this entails.

Mylovelygreendress · 06/09/2023 19:08

IAmAnIdiot123 · 06/09/2023 18:48

I just don't understand how this happens. We were lucky we just agreed with eachother when we named our kids but there were A LOT that were vetoed before we agreed!

Why did the MIL have any say? I don't thunk I even spoke to mine about names, my GMIL kept calling my DS by a different name (weirdly my ex's but she didn't know this) which was irritating but I juat ignored her until she stopped.

Show quote history

It’s a looooong story and I won’t derail OP’s thread ! DH, her DM and I all tried to ( gently) speak to her but she was browbeaten . Her MIL is a piece of work !

ZoeCM · 06/09/2023 19:19

Nowthenhere · 06/09/2023 17:12

Stop involving him. There's no need to discuss it anymore if he's going to decline every suggestion.

If he brings it up, tell him her first name is his surname. Daniels could say Danielle etc. And when he says how if it's double barreled just smile and change the subject.

He's had two other children to name anyway and when your baby arrives just announce the name that you have chosen to your midwife and have that written down.

You have a while before registration so he can sulk and suggest other names for you to mull over then.

This really isn't how healthy relationships work. If a woman posted on here that her husband had spoken to her the way you're advising the OP speak to her partner, she'd be told she was being abused and needed to leave.

As for "he's had two other children to name anyway"... WTF? That's such bizarre logic. So if a woman has two children from a previous relationship, she should have no say in the name of any children she has with a new partner?

OhComeOnFFS · 06/09/2023 19:30

You are giving him an awful lot of control. No way should you be naming your child after your childhood bully especially if her behaviour made you want to commit suicide. There are other ways of remembering his sister.

Do you think this is a good relationship? We are only seeing part of it and I'm not convinced it is, tbh.

SpideyVerse · 06/09/2023 19:37

Nothing about your unique bundle of joy should invoke twinges of sadness/pain into the future, so I feel for you mentioning...
"... he picked the middle name after his late sister. I don’t like the name as a person with the same name made my life hell even to the point I wanted to take my own life but I put those feelings to one side and agreed."
Ultimately, if you've made peace with this you know your own heart the best.
But just a wee bit of food for thought before anything is set in stone ;-)

Perhaps consider WorkingOnMyMindset's idea of taking DP late sister’s middle name as a middle name, if it's distinct and appeals to you?...

Or another option might be to choose a derivative of her name that will uniquely honour his late sister and is special for your daughter - whilst eliminating the association with your tormentor?
(For example Katarina vs Catherine, etc.)

I did similar with my daughter's middle name (derivative of my DM who found the nod tenderly touching) and my DD who is now a teenager herself, has always adored it.
My DM has since passed, and the choice is all the more perfect.

BTW Congratulations!
All the best for your pregnancy, and wishing new Mum & baby daughter a bright future. x

Timeforchangeplease · 06/09/2023 20:31

He seems a bit controlling...

MagsMaggie · 06/09/2023 21:02

In cases where the kids would be first cousins then hard no. Distant relatives? Work away

thegreylady · 07/09/2023 13:55

Ask his dd to help you choose a name. Work with her to close a name then as her to suggest it to her dad…Or call her your favourite name .

SeulementUneFois · 07/09/2023 20:23

OP

He's being a bully to you.

Definitely give your child your own surname.

Samlewis96 · 07/09/2023 20:56

Phos · 06/09/2023 16:47

What's the obsession with "give the baby your surname" on here if you're not married?

Why wouldn't you? I have 3 kids and they all have my surname ( well did but my DDs are married now)

MeridianB · 07/09/2023 21:03

While I understand the need for two parents to compromise, it’s all been one-sided so far. He’s just saying no to everything while contributing nothing.

Also, he’s had two children to name already, and he’s chosen the middle name, so I think you should absolutely your first or second choice names.

Or keep looking and find something else that YOU like. I think you may regret it if you give your DD a name you only vaguely like because of DP.

FOJN · 07/09/2023 21:32

Phos · 06/09/2023 16:47

What's the obsession with "give the baby your surname" on here if you're not married?

It makes a changes from the obsession with giving the child the father's surname.

It's weird the way some women want to have the same name as the small human they carried for 9 months and gave birth to.

Fucking equality, it spoils everything for men.

Kwasi · 07/09/2023 21:43

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/09/2023 16:23

Agree with him re the first name sounding like his dd's. Would you want two of your children to be called Alice and Alicia for example?

The cousin having the same name is irrelevant though.....

100% this.

Catusrusty · 07/09/2023 21:55

Yeah he's bullying you.

You can't have your choices, but he can't be arsed to suggest anything and you've acquiesced to a name shared with someone who actually made you suicidal. Which is totally fucked up, he should never have expected you to do that.

Don't double barrel for God's sake. Give the baby your name only. His opinion absolutely does not count about that.

HowDoesThisWorkPlease · 07/09/2023 22:24

MeridianB · 07/09/2023 21:03

While I understand the need for two parents to compromise, it’s all been one-sided so far. He’s just saying no to everything while contributing nothing.

Also, he’s had two children to name already, and he’s chosen the middle name, so I think you should absolutely your first or second choice names.

Or keep looking and find something else that YOU like. I think you may regret it if you give your DD a name you only vaguely like because of DP.

This

HowDoesThisWorkPlease · 07/09/2023 22:25

Can you tell us the names you like and perhaps we can suggest some?