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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t seem to have a say in naming my baby

178 replies

Littlemissdj · 06/09/2023 16:10

Keen to hear other perspectives..

I am 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby. DP has 2 DC from a previous relationship, A DD 16 and DS 13.

Since we found out we are having a girl, I have had 2 top contenders with names which I’ve liked for years and always thought I would use them. DP hasn’t suggested any names yet. My first choice, DP has now said no to because his DD said it sounds similar to her name. Let’s say the name I wanted was Mia and his DDs name is Maliah. He also feels like his DD will feel replaced. My second choice he said no because one of his cousins is called that name.

We got into a small argument over this and he said I am not being fair if I select either name.

AIBU to go with the names or shall I just keep thinking of some? I’ve ruled out a lot.

OP posts:
ZoeDavoMCR · 07/09/2023 22:26

@Sirzy intrigued to know why giving your baby the dad surname was a mistake

Littlemisslaughalot · 07/09/2023 22:50

pinkyredrose · 06/09/2023 16:12

If you're not married you can name the baby without him. Please say she's getting your surname?

Wow!! Yes that's how you behave in a mature relationship!!

This is a joint decision, provided your partner is a decent man and is going to be involved and an active father then he has equal say in choosing the name. If you are unmarried then personally I think joint surnames is the way to go.

Sayitaintso33 · 08/09/2023 05:58

TheRealLilyMunster · 06/09/2023 16:43

In my opinion, the person giving birth gets final say on the name.

I'm probably unreasonable though! 🤣

In my opinion the person getting final say on the name does all of the child care.

Luckyduc · 08/09/2023 05:59

I'm married and I didn't need my husband present to register our son, I just needed the documents they asked for which I think was a marriage certificate. I literally changed my mind on our babies middle name sitting at their desk! Phoned husband and told him the new name afterwards.
My husband got no say on the name. As far as I'm concerned I had carried a baby for 9 months and pushed him out ...I was definitely naming my son.
If you didjt know his cousin was named that then I guess you've not met her? Can't be a big deal then. Remind your partner that most children are traditionally named after relatives!

Libra24 · 08/09/2023 06:27

Unlimited names in the world.

Keep going until you find one you both like. It might seem like having the one perfect name is so hard but I think it's important to make sure you feel the same once baby is born. The name you get so upset over now might leave you cold once you look at your new baby. Happened to me every time ha.

I would probably conceed on not repeating a name but with him picking the middle name and a double barrel surname, I would expect that he's a bit more willing to compromise given he's already got two names on the board. And I'd remind him of that too.

Elaina87 · 08/09/2023 06:39

I had to let go of names I've like my whole life becuase DP didn't like them... can't force them to go with a name just becuase we like it. I am however disappointed in the name we eventually went with for second DD, it was his favourite (I did get my favourite for first DD) and I thought I was ok with it but now I am regretting it. So make sure you are happy with the choice!

Thinkingpod · 08/09/2023 09:22

pinkyredrose · 06/09/2023 16:12

If you're not married you can name the baby without him. Please say she's getting your surname?

What a healthy attitude

Thinkingpod · 08/09/2023 09:32

Why is everyone so against the dad on this??? And why is it a problem if he wants his surname / double barreled . Anyone thought he wants baby to share the same surname as his other kids???

There are so many men hating crazies on here

mumofmanybusykids · 08/09/2023 09:37

I think him not wanting his to name one child a very similar name to another of his children is a very valid reason OP.

pinkyredrose · 08/09/2023 09:40

Thinkingpod · 08/09/2023 09:22

What a healthy attitude

Show quote history

Thanks. I think so.

poetryandwine · 08/09/2023 09:46

@Thinkingpod

I don’t hate men at all. Quite the contrary, I assure you.

But the tradition is for children to have their mother’s name. Unmarried mothers in the UK, especially when they are younger than the fathers of their DC ad the OP is and so likely to be earning less, lack certain legal protections conferred by marriage. I think that if the father is so keen for the DC to have his name it can be conferred through marriage, with the protection that will give OP and her child.

Of course it’s fine to disbelieve in marriage on principle. Then let the child have its mother’s name.

pinkyredrose · 08/09/2023 09:53

Sayitaintso33 · 08/09/2023 05:58

In my opinion the person getting final say on the name does all of the child care.

Show quote history

What!?😂

ParadoxicalHippy · 08/09/2023 09:58

Naming a child is a two way street. Both parents need to at least like the name of not love it. Three boys later my list of girl’s names was 19 years old, had evolved with new ones added and ones I was no longer fond of removed. My husband had no such list. All of my favourite names were vetoed and our daughter was given the name he chose but I genuinely liked. I chose her middle name and he gave it the thumbs up. Pretty much how we named our son. I chose the name (my eldest was named it for an hour until my ex and I realised it absolutely did not suit his surname) which he liked and I repeated no until he suggested a middle name I liked.

Some people carry potential baby names in their head for years, some just don’t think about that shit. Yes I was disappointed I didn’t get to use my favourite girl name, but I also shot his off the cuff suggestions down in flames 🤷‍♀️

JustAnotherOpinion123 · 08/09/2023 09:58

Found out we were expecting a girl a couple of months ago, went to my dh with a list of names I'd been building up since I was a teen. He dislikes all but 1. He gave me his shortlist of names - I disliked all of them.

We've since sat down together and we literally spent about an hour just looking up names and shouting them out at each other and compiled a list of 5-6 that we both loved. We haven't settled on a firm favourite and are waiting to see what she "suits" when she arrives but neither of us are in a position where we feel like we're going to be stuck with a name we hate.

It's fair for him to want to be involved in naming - and I assume he does from his strong reactions to names and insistence of his surname being included - but I'd find it a bit worrying if he was just saying no to everything and not suggesting anything at all.

I was lightheartedly advised a few weeks ago to keep an absolute favourite name back from conversation until after she's born and then suggest it - after witnessing you in labour, supposedly partners are more likely to give you whatever you want 😉.

Mostlyoblivious · 08/09/2023 12:02

Wait until she arrives and see what suits her. That’s what we did. The name that we chose was immediately vetoed by my husband as ‘it’s a good name for a dog’. Turns out it’s also a good name for his baby..!

And also, Mia and Maliah are not particularly similar in how they sound. Yes they have all but two letters the same but no, as a teacher I find them distinct from each others. Also, your step daughter will be off as an adult in 2 years so not under the same roof so it’s not going to cause confusion and actually as an adult she could see it as a lovely tribute if they still insist it’s too similar..

WorkIsQuietToday · 08/09/2023 12:23

I’m surprised at how many comments like this there are - “I carried the baby & gave birth not him, therefore he gets no say”
I appreciate that women definitely do have the harder job when it comes to producing children however that’s down to biology, the man really has no choice about that!
I always thought people should go into having babies together, as a team, and so would want to find a name they were both happy with.
These are probably the same women who then militantly go on about parenthood being 50/50 and the dad needing to fully pull his weight (which I don’t disagree with!) - But not so 50/50 when it came to naming though hmm?! 🤨

Timeforchangeplease · 08/09/2023 12:55

Having the same surname as your child is helpful in a practical sense and makes many things easier. Border control when going on holiday for example... speaking from personal experience!

I gave my daughter now in 20s her dad's surname and we split when she was 2. He has nothing to do with her and was not a good dad. I still regret that decision.

Don't pick a first name or a surname that you may live to regret.

Not a man hater but its 2023 what is the problem with a baby taking mums surname? And if he really wanted his surname he would marry you wouldn't he?

JaneFarrier · 08/09/2023 13:12

JustAnotherOpinion123 · 08/09/2023 09:58

Found out we were expecting a girl a couple of months ago, went to my dh with a list of names I'd been building up since I was a teen. He dislikes all but 1. He gave me his shortlist of names - I disliked all of them.

We've since sat down together and we literally spent about an hour just looking up names and shouting them out at each other and compiled a list of 5-6 that we both loved. We haven't settled on a firm favourite and are waiting to see what she "suits" when she arrives but neither of us are in a position where we feel like we're going to be stuck with a name we hate.

It's fair for him to want to be involved in naming - and I assume he does from his strong reactions to names and insistence of his surname being included - but I'd find it a bit worrying if he was just saying no to everything and not suggesting anything at all.

I was lightheartedly advised a few weeks ago to keep an absolute favourite name back from conversation until after she's born and then suggest it - after witnessing you in labour, supposedly partners are more likely to give you whatever you want 😉.

This is more or less what we did. My husband is unimaginative about names and finds it hard to know if he likes them or not.

We've done this twice. First time, I felt "meh" about pretty well all boys' names and didn't really have a front-runner. We found it helpful to go through a baby name book (or an app, now) and write down names into "maybe" and "definitely not", then compare lists and see if there's any overlap. We found about five names that would all have been fine - neither of us felt passionately that a particular one was right. We ended up choosing one rather unemotionally that was easy to spell, "ordinary" but not so popular there would be four in every class, and I now feel it was the perfect choice.

Second time, we discovered that husband dislikes most girls' names. The two names he actually liked were my sister's name and my sister-in-law's name. We'd already said we wouldn't re-use any names belonging to living close family members (we have a bit of that going already and it's confusing enough) so they were never serious contenders. Another name I'd been considering took a sudden surge in popularity to be the most common name that year, which put us off a little.

We picked a name with a similar vibe to that. And it's fine. Daughter picked a nickname for herself as soon as she could talk and insisted on it (at school too) but is now coming round to using her actual name. But who knows, she might decide to change it when she's older!

lto2019 · 08/09/2023 13:54

I think it is fair enough to not have similar sibling names and it is good he is considering his elder daughter's feelings. The cousin one - that would depend on their relationship/ age - if they are similar age and will see each other a lot - maybe not. My sister and one of our cousins have the same name but we rarely see them and they have different surnames.

Blondebrunette1 · 08/09/2023 14:06

I voted that you are not being unreasonable but then I don't think your DP is either. I loved a few names for ages before having each of my children and when they were born didn't use them anyway. I think the similar sounding name is potentially a bit rubbish for both your daughter and step daughter and confusing for others perhaps. The name of the cousin I don't think is such a big deal though, are they very close? Perhaps you can compromise and use them as middle names. Are there other names that you like too? X

Movingandlooking · 08/09/2023 14:11

Could you compromise. Choose a first name together and use the name you wanted as a middle name. Tell step daughter you chose the middle name because its like hers and you want her to be like her or something similar that's age appropriate

Ffion21 · 08/09/2023 14:15

Can’t believe people are getting uppity because he ‘declined’ the baby having the mothers surname. That’s fair. It’s the same reason she doesn’t want the baby just having his surname.

the double barrel is a compromise. Why wouldn’t he want to share a surname with his own baby.

His view and wants are the same as hers, no reason they shouldn’t be and shouldn’t be any less valid.

What he is being unfair on is not suggesting any names at all and not engaging in compromising a first name. If he doesn’t come up with one then you’ll be the one picking, simple.

having a name similar to his daughters isn’t great. I personally wouldn’t pick a cousin either. Give the kids its own identity.

FarmGirl78 · 08/09/2023 14:41

Not with direct relevance to the name, but I'm really concerned with how much you're just putting your own feelings to one side. Does your DP know about you being suicidal because the shared name person from your history? If he does then he's being an arse. That's FAR more reason to avoid a name than "well it sounds a bit similar to" other name.

You say you suggested baby had your name but he 'declined'......its not just his choice, and untimely as you're not married it's down to you.

Please please don't live your life being this passive and allowing others to dominate you so much. You matter too.

DoughBallss · 08/09/2023 22:50

I was set on a boys name since the age of about 13, my fiancés cousin is called that and he wouldn’t use it. Didn’t bother me…we came up with a name we both like :) Also took us ages to agree on a girls name! He liked one of my suggestions but asked that we changed the spelling which we did.

Personally I wouldn’t want to name my child something similar or the same as another family member.

The way I saw it is that they’re his babies too, it’s a joint effort and decision.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/09/2023 13:42

I'd compile a new list of your favourites and offer them up - and if he says no to them all without countering with some suggestions of ones he does like for you to consider, just tell him you're going with X because he's not offering any alternatives and leaving you to it.

Surname - have yours until you're married.

He can't veto everything without helping find one you can agree on.

Also, go back and say you're not happy with the middle name. You can't give your child a name that reminds you of such dark times. He seems to want everything his own way - not sure where the D is in DP!!!