I don’t seem to have a say in naming my baby

[Littlemissdj]

Keen to hear other perspectives..

I am 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby. DP has 2 DC from a previous relationship, A DD 16 and DS 13.

Since we found out we are having a girl, I have had 2 top contenders with names which I’ve liked for years and always thought I would use them. DP hasn’t suggested any names yet. My first choice, DP has now said no to because his DD said it sounds similar to her name. Let’s say the name I wanted was Mia and his DDs name is Maliah. He also feels like his DD will feel replaced. My second choice he said no because one of his cousins is called that name.

We got into a small argument over this and he said I am not being fair if I select either name.

AIBU to go with the names or shall I just keep thinking of some? I’ve ruled out a lot.

Both parents need to like the name.

I understand him not wanting a name that sounds like his DDs as that would be a bit weird.

I do think it’s a bit odd naming it the same name as the cousin, unless the cousin is very distant and you rarely see them/speak to them.

I would spend some time looking on to the internet for names together and both say yes, no or maybe.

If you both say yes write them in one column, if you both say maybe write them in another and then have a column each where you’ve said yes and the others said maybe.

I’d then go through the both yes column and both choose your top 2/3 names.
Hopefully you will both chose at least 1 of the same names.

If you have none of which you’ve both said yes to then do the same with the both said maybe column.

You basically want a list of names and to get rid of the definite no’s and then find one that you’re both happy with.

Just use the name you want and your surname. Let him double barrel his name if he wants to go there.

My husband vetoed loads of names I suggested. And I did the same to his suggestions.
That’s normal

We aren’t married so we agreed to double barrel. As mentioned in previous post he picked the middle name after his late sister. I don’t like the name as a person with the same name made my life hell even to the point I wanted to take my own life but I put those feelings to one side and agreed. I will keep suggesting more first names until he agrees on something he likes too.

Yes I agree I am unreasonable with my first choice name. I will also let my second choice go as its his cousins name (they aren’t close for those who asked). I also let the other names I suggested go.

thanks for those suggesting on a list I’ll go back to the drawing board and make another and ask that he does the same and hopefully we can both agree on something.

Reminds me of my first pregnancy. My husband yelled at me and spouted abuse because I didn't like the name "he had wanted to pick since he was 16 years old" as it had a horrible meaning in my language.

YABU.

The cousin is irrelevant, unless it is someone your DP hates so he will feel ill if he constantly hears that name, so in your shoes I'd be tempted to go for that if you really like the name.

Your partner seems very overbearing about demanding his choice here. Are you sure you want a future with him?

You do know as “just” your partner that he doesn’t actually get a say in her surname? If you want to give her your surname, which given how uninterested he appears to be in any other aspect of her name, then go ahead and do that.

As for her first name, agree with avoiding the name similar to his daughter’s name. The random cousin he never sees is irrelevant. Use that name if you want.

I think involving the older children in the naming process is a good thing! Obviously, within reason......

Have you ever asked yourself what’s men’s obsession with them having their last name?

"He declined our baby having my surname alone."

You know he can't actually do that, don't you?

Also, to use your DP’s surname he’ll have to appear in person to register her. If he can’t be bothered then he doesn’t get his name used.

Do you plan to marry?

What will you do with names then?

Op, don’t compromise on the last name, leave it as yours only seeing as you aren’t married, unless he can learn to compromise too. Presumably he already has two children with his last name already.

That sounds awful, @Littlemissdj

Could you agree to take his late sister’s middle name as a middle name instead?

I’m very surprised your partner has insisted on a middle name the same as a person who made your life such hell that you wanted to commit suicide.
Have you actually explained why you don’t like it ? Has he no empathy with that ?
I think you need to stand your ground a bit firmer OP.
Seems like he has a veto on everything you come up with.

Sounds like you are having a child with a difficult and demanding person that you are not married to.

He wants a lot of things his own way.

Does he know that someone caused you to want to take your life and yet he wants your child given that name?

Hard to believe that a decent kind man would insist on such a thing.

Is he older than you?

I would have huge reservations about your relationship and him.

Are you a very passive person that is easily walked over by him?

Is he very dominating?

If he is, you should step back and have a think.

What is your housing situation?
Age difference?
I hope you are staying on full-time.
Keep your finances, family and friends close to you.

Why would you want your baby to have the name of someone who nearly drove you to suicide? Stand up for yourself!

The daughter one is a valid reason, the cousin one isn’t.

If he doesn’t like any of your suggestions he needs to suggest some himself.

I agree, you have already compromised on a middle name you don’t like. What you want goes, he has had his chances naming his first two children. And I would stick with your surname, he and his kids already have his surname, you and the baby should have your name.

He's vetoed your 2 favourite girls names and he's chosen the middle name for his dead sister but you aren't keen on it. You need to choose the first name if he's chosen a middle name you don't like. It really doesn't matter if the name you choose is the same as his cousin or not. Unless you are married give the DC your surname. If he wants this new baby to have his surname then he should propose to you. It sounds like he wants everything his way and that wouldn't suit me.

He doesn’t get to decline - marry double barrelled non married have yours

So he can veto names on the grounds but you can’t on the grounds the one he wants is a former bully ? Don’t have his sister / or a former bullies name in there at all.

If he wants you to accept his reasons for not liking certain names, then he also needs to accept yours.

He can't choose the middle name you hate and also expect you to respect his preferences for the first name.

You both need to compromise and choose names that don't have negative associations for either of you.

He declined our baby having my surname alone.

Oh did he? I would declining him right out the fucking door

I highly doubt a sixteen year old is that sensitive about her new sisters name.
Call your baby the name you love. He doesn't get the final say just because of dad guilt,

Let’s say the name I wanted was Mia and his DDs name is Maliah

His is right - that is too similar for siblings.

Lots of couples debate name choices. Him not liking two of your name choices is not the same has you having no say.

You both need to work together and find a compromise.