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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t seem to have a say in naming my baby

178 replies

Littlemissdj · 06/09/2023 16:10

Keen to hear other perspectives..

I am 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow with my first baby. DP has 2 DC from a previous relationship, A DD 16 and DS 13.

Since we found out we are having a girl, I have had 2 top contenders with names which I’ve liked for years and always thought I would use them. DP hasn’t suggested any names yet. My first choice, DP has now said no to because his DD said it sounds similar to her name. Let’s say the name I wanted was Mia and his DDs name is Maliah. He also feels like his DD will feel replaced. My second choice he said no because one of his cousins is called that name.

We got into a small argument over this and he said I am not being fair if I select either name.

AIBU to go with the names or shall I just keep thinking of some? I’ve ruled out a lot.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/09/2023 16:55

ChocolateCinderToffee · 06/09/2023 16:52

But the OP is compromising. Her partner is not. Maybe you should read what she says more carefully.

Show quote history

to be fair I think the shared surname seems a sensible approach.

the issue seems to be finding a first name they both agree on. Discounting two for the reasons he said is fair. The op then seems to have sent names even she doesn’t like which makes even less sense!

IVFbeenverylucky · 06/09/2023 16:56

Phos · 06/09/2023 16:47

What's the obsession with "give the baby your surname" on here if you're not married?

Well for me it's got nothing to do with not being married (although if he won't give you financial rights/home on a break up, then it's an extra reason to not give him the kids surname); I don't think women should do that full stop.

Jevwaypock · 06/09/2023 16:57

My DP didn’t like any of my names and I hated all of his also - then one day he came home and said I’ve been thinking about X name actually (one of my suggestions) and we used it in the end. It takes time to find a name. The name we both loved was actually DP’s cousins name so we vetoed as a first name and used as a middle name as they would have ended up with both the same first and surname

12moose · 06/09/2023 16:57

It has to be a name you both are happy with

SerafinasGoose · 06/09/2023 16:59

Compromise is key. I happen to think he's right about the names of his daughter and cousin; I wouldn't choose similar-sounding names to those. Your agreement to honouring his late sister in the middle name is a lovely gesture.

My hill to die on would be her family name. You carried the child, you gestated and nurtured her inside your body and will give birth to her. You haven't taken his name, by marriage or for any other reason. In your situation I'd be giving her my name, and this is a position from which I'd refuse to budge.

cheezncrackers · 06/09/2023 16:59

There are thousands of names out there OP - I'd get searching for some new names you like - there must be some! Or ask MN to help.

Your DH's vetoes are fair enough in the circumstances, although TBH if those are his reasons for vetoing your names, I'd nix that name of the girl who made your life hell, even if it was his granny's name. It's give and take, innit and it seems like you're doing both, him not so much!

Maray1967 · 06/09/2023 17:00

whynotwhatknot · 06/09/2023 16:31

he declined did he-well thats not up to him legally

Yes - you’re not married. In law he has no say at all.

Perhaps it might be opportune to remind him of this if he keeps vetoing your suggestions.

Our DC have DH’s surname. I therefore shortlisted their first and middle names. I had two favourite first names in both cases and DH preferred one so we went with that one.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2023 17:00

What the tinder all for names?

You both had the app and you swipe right or left. You only know your matches. There's thousands of names on there.

Theroom · 06/09/2023 17:00

I would drop Mia as a first name. It is quite similar.
I would give them two middle names. His sister's, plus one solely of my choice. Possibly Mia or Cousin Name.
I'd go back to the drawing board and find other names I loved and tell him if he wants any input he needs to suggest some himself too. There are hundreds of beautiful names - do you only really like two?! I had about 40 I could happily have used!

Phos · 06/09/2023 17:02

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2023 16:55

What's the obsession with 'give the baby the fathers surname because he's a man' off this site?

Why would you want your child to have a name that you don't and can't have?

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You can have whatever surname you want. There's such as thing as a deed poll.

DixonD · 06/09/2023 17:02

She can register the baby without him whether she’s married or not. If they are not married and he doesn’t attend, he can’t be named on the certificate.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2023 17:02

@Phos legally yes, but socially no one is going to change their own name to their partners surname that they're not married too that would be the strangest thing in the world 😂😂

Original poster
Littlemissdj · 06/09/2023 17:03

Sorry for not putting all of the context in my first post. There were more names suggested by me but have all been met with no. No specific reasons just no which is fine.

I do think his DDs opinion is valid and wouldn’t want to upset her or cause issues there.

OP posts:
RhymesWithTangerine · 06/09/2023 17:03

You must have the baby’s surname, if possible. Why would you not?

tescocreditcard · 06/09/2023 17:05

Name her what you want. You don't need his agreement.

Jevwaypock · 06/09/2023 17:05

I like the double barrelled surname. My mum gave me her maiden name and her and my dad split up, mum married when i was 8 and now I have neither parents surname! I’m left with my Grandad who I’ve never even met surname 😭

Phos · 06/09/2023 17:06

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2023 17:02

@Phos legally yes, but socially no one is going to change their own name to their partners surname that they're not married too that would be the strangest thing in the world 😂😂

We considered it for a bit. Maybe we are very strange. We got married in the end though so it became moot. Still had to get a deed poll because of the way we'd hyphenated the names. Bloody passport office!

Tangent though...

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2023 17:07

Jevwaypock · 06/09/2023 17:05

I like the double barrelled surname. My mum gave me her maiden name and her and my dad split up, mum married when i was 8 and now I have neither parents surname! I’m left with my Grandad who I’ve never even met surname 😭

Edited

I don't think your mum should have changed her name to her new DH name in that case I'd feel a bit abandoned too

PackBacker · 06/09/2023 17:07

@Phos legally yes, but socially no one is going to change their own name to their partners surname that they're not married too that would be the strangest thing in the world 😂😂
My friend did.

Goldbar · 06/09/2023 17:08

This is the compromise I would offer him:

He chooses middle name.

He comes up with a list of names he like, you come up with a list of names you like and you get the final choice of first name from the overlap between them. There are sites/apps that you can both use to create your lists.

The baby has your surname. If he wants to share a surname with the baby, he's welcome to double-barrel his name.

Phos · 06/09/2023 17:08

fearfuloffluff · 06/09/2023 16:50

Cos you often end up with a baby whose second name is that of a dickwad who offed and left you holding the baby

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Given divorce rates that could happen if you're married and they you're left with it too.

The answer is clearly never to get into a relationship and just have babies via assisted conception since most people on here seem to absolutely hate the male of the species.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2023 17:08

PackBacker · 06/09/2023 17:07

@Phos legally yes, but socially no one is going to change their own name to their partners surname that they're not married too that would be the strangest thing in the world 😂😂
My friend did.

Really? That's interesting. Why?
And why did your friend not get married?

PackBacker · 06/09/2023 17:11

Really? That's interesting. Why?
And why did your friend not get married

Because the house is in his name and he won’t marry her and she is a fool, a lovely fool but a fool all the same.

Nowthenhere · 06/09/2023 17:12

Stop involving him. There's no need to discuss it anymore if he's going to decline every suggestion.

If he brings it up, tell him her first name is his surname. Daniels could say Danielle etc. And when he says how if it's double barreled just smile and change the subject.

He's had two other children to name anyway and when your baby arrives just announce the name that you have chosen to your midwife and have that written down.

You have a while before registration so he can sulk and suggest other names for you to mull over then.

PinkNailpolish · 06/09/2023 17:12

I wouldn't want a similar name to my sibling, but I wouldn't care if I had the same name as a second cousin.

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