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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be forced to quit my job because of a past relationship?

198 replies

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 06:48

I’m male, late 50s, have a job I enjoy mainly WFH and only call into the office once a month or so. 5 years ago I had a brief relationship (3 months) with a colleague who is still in the office. Ended amicably, we get on well professionally and have each settled down with someone else now. The relationship is long forgotten about and has never been an issue. I met my GF two years ago and we’ve been living together for 12 months. We were talking about relationships at work a few days ago as part of a wider conversation and I told her about my experience. My GF is now insisting I quit my job so I don’t come into contact with my ex. It doesn’t seem to matter that I barely see her, it’s never been an issue and she’s in a long term relationship of her own. I’ve no intention of quitting a job I like with no guarantee of getting a new one paying the same amount of money, especially at my age. AIBU to stand my ground on this? My GF is absolutely insistent I leave, and it’s making me doubt that she’s the one for me even though I think the world of her.

OP posts:
CatMattress · 06/09/2023 06:51

She doesn't trust you. Have you done anything to deserve that? Had she had experiences in previous relationships which would cause her to be wary?

TeaKitten · 06/09/2023 06:53

YANBU and she’s not the one for you, she doesn’t trust you and thinks she can control what you do.

RhymesWithTangerine · 06/09/2023 06:56

Bizarre. No, just say no. Try to introduce them at a work event so that your GF can see there is nothing in it. But, no, you don’t need to move jobs.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 06/09/2023 06:57

Stand your ground but be prepared to lose her.

Her wish to control you is a red flag.

Candlelight34 · 06/09/2023 06:59

This relationship is not for you.

Protect yourself including your mental health.

She will continue to control every aspect of your life.

Move on NOW.

JC89 · 06/09/2023 07:01

YANBU, she doesn't trust you for some reason. You can be friends with an ex without it being risky - there's a reason they're an ex!

Candlelight34 · 06/09/2023 07:03

You may think the world of her but she is not for you.

This controlling is not normal.

Noone can or should try to control another person.

Dont get blinded in love and fall in a trap.

You clearly have reservations or else you wouldn't have come on to ask advice.

Folllow your instincts.
Her insecurities wont change but your life and well being will for the worse.

UseOfWeapons · 06/09/2023 07:03

Definitely YANBU. Big red flag on your GF. Time to say goodbye to her, and move on. Controlling behaviour this early in a relationship always bodes ill.

WaltzingWaters · 06/09/2023 07:06

I could understand her point if you’d been together with this ex for years and/or talked about or with her lots. But doesn’t sound like you do at all. So no, she’s being controlling and doesn’t trust you.

ZekeZeke · 06/09/2023 07:11

How old is your girlfriend?
She sounds immature.
Of course you can't quit your job because of something that happened 5 years ago, that's insane.

Hereforsummer · 06/09/2023 07:14

I think I'd quit the relationship rather than the job. That is massively controlling!

HoneyPotts · 06/09/2023 07:17

Huge red flag. I couldn’t be with a man who tried to control me like that.

Againstmachine · 06/09/2023 07:18

She is controlling and doesn't trust you, I see no future in that relationship, there is a future in your job.

The choice is yours.

GreyCarpet · 06/09/2023 07:21

What everyone else said.

Three months is no time at all. It's not even a relationship after three months of dating!

I agree, it's a red flag.

ButterCrackers · 06/09/2023 07:22

Ask your GF what the problem is exactly. What has happened in her past to warrant such behaviour. Explain that you rarely see you ex and that you are with your gf and your ex is in another relationship. You like your job and need your job. Tell your gf that your job is necessary. Reassure your gf. Does she have ex’s? Talk about how she doesn’t want to get back with them just like you don’t want to get back with your ex.

Original poster
Antaeus · 06/09/2023 07:30

She has, but that was over 10 years ago when her BF at the time cheated on her. I understand her being wary but I can’t be held to account for the actions of her ex.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 06/09/2023 07:37

The thing is that at your age, if you were single then it's likely you would've had relationships with people at work.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who tried to control me.

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 07:37

You're in your late 50s, I would stay where you are.

Not berating you honestly there just isn't enough detail, but presuming you've done nothing wrong to earn this mistrust, have you asked yourself why you ended up with an insecure girlfriend? Are you avoidant and she's insecure? that is a combination that you see so often, for some reason they're drawn to each other only to then make each other fairly miserable. I've been the ''insecure'' one in this dynamic a few times until i understood not to even bother unless the man makes you feel secure.

Or do you have an eye out on sticks wondering if you can do ''better''. Do you feel deep down that you can do ''better'' than your girlfriend. I've been in situations where knowing that the partner thinks that (erroneously) can bring out insecurities that aren't deep-rooted in me, just linking to that relationship because it is on shaky ground if one half has an eye out elsewhere.

sammylady37 · 06/09/2023 07:37

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 07:30

She has, but that was over 10 years ago when her BF at the time cheated on her. I understand her being wary but I can’t be held to account for the actions of her ex.

Controlling abusers often use ‘trust issues from past relationship’ as an excuse to be controlling to new partners. This is a giant red flag. Keep your job and end the relationship.

Crochetablanket · 06/09/2023 07:37

if you really think about other elements of your relationship you will find other controlling behaviours maybe just too subtle to put together until now. Making an issue of a short relationship from many years ago is not normal adult behaviour.
She is showing you who she is, listen and move on.

AgnesX · 06/09/2023 07:38

She's being ridiculous. You've managed to live your working life without going back to the woman. Why would you go through such upheaval for something so unimportant.

I can't imagine asking someone to leave a job for no good reason.

Mistressanne · 06/09/2023 07:39

Your gf is controlling.
Just be firm and refuse to discuss it further.
It's her problem.

lionsleepstonight · 06/09/2023 07:40

She's not the one for you.

Does she dictate other aspects of your life?

enchantedsquirrelwood · 06/09/2023 07:41

Not a chance. Earning a living is more important than pandering to jealousy, and it's not as easy as get another job.

Jealousy is a very damaging emotion and she needs to deal with her feelings.

JeminasPuddle · 06/09/2023 07:49

No way do you leave that job. She is being completely ridiculous, it almost feels like something a teenager would say not a grown woman. If she leaves you because of it then so be it. You cannot risk your livelihood.