Page 3 | Should I be forced to quit my job because of a past relationship?

Antaeus · 2023-09-06T05:48:04+00:00

I’m male, late 50s, have a job I enjoy mainly WFH and only call into the office once a month or so. 5 years ago I had a brief relationship (3 months) with a colleague who is still in the office. Ended amicably, we get on well professionally and have each settled down with someone else now. The relationship is long forgotten about and has never been an issue. I met my GF two years ago and we’ve been living together for 12 months. We were talking about relationships at work a few days ago as part of a wider conversation and I told her about my experience. My GF is now insisting I quit my job so I don’t come into contact with my ex. It doesn’t seem to matter that I barely see her, it’s never been an issue and she’s in a long term relationship of her own. I’ve no intention of quitting a job I like with no guarantee of getting a new one paying the same amount of money, especially at my age. AIBU to stand my ground on this? My GF is absolutely insistent I leave, and it’s making me doubt that she’s the one for me even though I think the world of her.

Original poster

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 08:58

Hi Rafamuffin, no, I’m not holding out for “someone better”. I’ve no interest in anyone else and she knows that. I haven’t cheated on her or done anything untoward. I always try to see things from her perspective and I actually think I’ve become a better person since I met her but this just seems odd for her to insist upon. She tells me that if she was to ask her friends what their opinion would be, they’d all agree with her that I’d have to leave and get another job, hence my AIBU post. I did wonder if I was wrong to think there was something odd about it, but I think the board here are pretty unanimous that my instinct was right.

OP posts:

MzHz · 06/09/2023 08:58

sammylady37 · 06/09/2023 07:37

Controlling abusers often use ‘trust issues from past relationship’ as an excuse to be controlling to new partners. This is a giant red flag. Keep your job and end the relationship.

Show quote history

Could not agree more

its abuser cop out 101. There’s nothing you can do about the past - if indeed it’s even true! you wouldn’t know if she were making it up, but it would be something that nobody could change.

her trust issues are her issues to fix, by coming to terms with it, NOT controlling others.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 06/09/2023 08:59

@Rubiconmango They've been together three months. This should be the honeymoon period. No one should need to "work on" anything at this point. This is a big enough red flag to be seen from space. I wouldn't advise a woman in a relationship where a man was telling her to quit her job to "work on things" either.
And I'm sorry you're struggling to find someone you "think the world of" but how can you possibly think someone is amazing if they're telling you that you're so unimportant to them that they want you to abandon your livelihood for them on a whim after 3 months?

MzHz · 06/09/2023 09:00

😂😂😂

”She tells me that if she was to ask her friends what their opinion would be, they’d all agree with her that I’d have to leave and get another job”

… and this is abuser 102.

they ALL say this “everyone thinks I’m right/you’re wrong”

who the fuck is this everyone?

if that were the case you’d get a big chunk of people on this tread agreeing with her.

they're not.

Rubiconmango · 06/09/2023 09:01

Apologies for the errors! Didn't want to pass without a comment after seeing how horribly the comments are speaking of your gf and suggesting you 'chuck her' [people who clearly can't separate their own lifes resentment and bitterness, from offering sound advice, should absolutely not be offering advice].

Most of MN is full of hurt people who I really feel would rather see a relationship fail, than believe that healthy relationships, boundaries and marriages can and are being enjoyed. Hopefully you can resolve this little milestone with your gf and continue to enjoy a blissful life together. And when you do, please update us. MN could do with some positivity and shine on healthy ways to overcome small blips [in the grand scheme of lifes tests - this is only a blip].

SisterMichaelsHabit · 06/09/2023 09:01

MzHz · 06/09/2023 08:58

Could not agree more

its abuser cop out 101. There’s nothing you can do about the past - if indeed it’s even true! you wouldn’t know if she were making it up, but it would be something that nobody could change.

her trust issues are her issues to fix, by coming to terms with it, NOT controlling others.

Show quote history

Exactly! OP shouldn't have to take responsibility for "fixing" a problem that could well be made up to see how far the woman can control him in the early days of this relationship. If it really happened 10 years ago, the GF should have sorted her shit out LONG before now and it's unlikely she ever actually will at this point, she's had a decade (if she's telling the truth).

tennesseewhiskey1 · 06/09/2023 09:04

She sounds batshit - run and run quick. Maybe as she said she would ask her friends (who also sound batshit) and they would agree - you should show her this thread.

Ýsette · 06/09/2023 09:04

LTB

Rubiconmango · 06/09/2023 09:06

Excuse you, why are you getting so personal? I may have missed they've been together for three moths! In any case, no need to attack me with assumption of not being able to find someone I think the world of. The very fact that you've come at me with such an immature comment in response to my mature comment; says a lot about where you're at in life within yourself. Save your aggressiveness for whoever hurt you. And if you're not hurting, revisit how to use such threads responsibly and not immaturely.

Bumcake · 06/09/2023 09:06

Your girlfriend is never going to happy if she expects a man in his fifties to have no past.

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 09:06

MzHz · 06/09/2023 08:55

Oh wow, she’s showing you who she is!

LISTEN! PAY ATTENTION @Antaeus

Tell her you’re not changing your job for anyone or anything if it suits you and that she isn’t to get involved in anything to do with your professional life.

i do think you should end this. This has disaster written all over it.

This.
100%.

Her response is not normal.

Her mask is slipping.

She will get worse.

Call her bluff and tell her under any circumstances you would not give up your livelihood on the whim of another, and it is best if you break up if she continues to mention it.

That she would ask is very worrying.

I would agree this relationship is doomed, so better if you make arrangements to break up.

At your age a good secure job is not something you throw away at a whim.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 06/09/2023 09:08

@Rubiconmango
Most of MN is full of hurt people who I really feel would rather see a relationship fail, than believe that healthy relationships, boundaries and marriages can and are being enjoyed.

LMAO keep telling yourself that. I've been happily married for almost 15 years. That's because I chose the right person and didn't spend more time than was absolutely necessary filtering out the people who were problematic with potentially abusive behaviour.

Instead of hitting out at other people, perhaps you need to look inside yourself at why this post and people's (sensible) responses have made you so invalidated that you're having to be nasty about other posters to get your point across.

When the majority of MN says the same thing, they're usually right.

readbooksdrinktea · 06/09/2023 09:08

You should run away very fast unless you're OK about living your life on her terms. Controlling af behaviour.

MumblesParty · 06/09/2023 09:09

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 07:37

You're in your late 50s, I would stay where you are.

Not berating you honestly there just isn't enough detail, but presuming you've done nothing wrong to earn this mistrust, have you asked yourself why you ended up with an insecure girlfriend? Are you avoidant and she's insecure? that is a combination that you see so often, for some reason they're drawn to each other only to then make each other fairly miserable. I've been the ''insecure'' one in this dynamic a few times until i understood not to even bother unless the man makes you feel secure.

Or do you have an eye out on sticks wondering if you can do ''better''. Do you feel deep down that you can do ''better'' than your girlfriend. I've been in situations where knowing that the partner thinks that (erroneously) can bring out insecurities that aren't deep-rooted in me, just linking to that relationship because it is on shaky ground if one half has an eye out elsewhere.

I think it's very sad that you immediately asking OP if he is in any way at fault here. Would you do the same if it was a man trying to control a woman?

ntmdino · 06/09/2023 09:09

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 08:58

Hi Rafamuffin, no, I’m not holding out for “someone better”. I’ve no interest in anyone else and she knows that. I haven’t cheated on her or done anything untoward. I always try to see things from her perspective and I actually think I’ve become a better person since I met her but this just seems odd for her to insist upon. She tells me that if she was to ask her friends what their opinion would be, they’d all agree with her that I’d have to leave and get another job, hence my AIBU post. I did wonder if I was wrong to think there was something odd about it, but I think the board here are pretty unanimous that my instinct was right.

Well, there are two ways this can go:

1 - You hang on to your job, she decides it's a red flag that you won't respect her boundaries, she leaves.

2 - You hang on to your job, and she realises that you're not going to upend your entire life to suit her, and does some soul-searching to work out whether she can settle for that.

How old is she, by the way? Honestly, this does sound like very immature behaviour I wouldn't expect from somebody of similar age to you.

As an aside...if she's right, that seems like a great reason to avoid her friends.

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 09:09

He is with his partner 2 YEARS

He is living with her 12 MONTHS

He had a brief fling with a colleague for 3 MONTHS.

All there in the OP.

CaroleSinger · 06/09/2023 09:10

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 08:58

Hi Rafamuffin, no, I’m not holding out for “someone better”. I’ve no interest in anyone else and she knows that. I haven’t cheated on her or done anything untoward. I always try to see things from her perspective and I actually think I’ve become a better person since I met her but this just seems odd for her to insist upon. She tells me that if she was to ask her friends what their opinion would be, they’d all agree with her that I’d have to leave and get another job, hence my AIBU post. I did wonder if I was wrong to think there was something odd about it, but I think the board here are pretty unanimous that my instinct was right.

Interesting how she surrounds herself with friends who only agree with her. I wonder what would happen if one of her friends didn't agree with her on this? I suspect they would very quickly find they were no longer her friend.

Rubiconmango · 06/09/2023 09:11

OP, are you not at all feeling a little uncomfortable with how strangers are speaking of the person you think the world of? Or is the unanimous opinion and confirmation of how you feel about the whole situation more important than expressing a little defense for your own gf? At 50, I'm guessing you've experienced life and value finding love, and surely wouldn't want people bashing your gf? Unless you no longer think the world of her?

I regret commenting on this thread. It turned nasty very quickly.

Maddy70 · 06/09/2023 09:11

She's insecure and jealous. Massive red flag. Who would expect someone to leave their job?

I would be out of that relationship in a flash

Original poster

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 09:12

SisterMichaelsHabit · 06/09/2023 08:59

@Rubiconmango They've been together three months. This should be the honeymoon period. No one should need to "work on" anything at this point. This is a big enough red flag to be seen from space. I wouldn't advise a woman in a relationship where a man was telling her to quit her job to "work on things" either.
And I'm sorry you're struggling to find someone you "think the world of" but how can you possibly think someone is amazing if they're telling you that you're so unimportant to them that they want you to abandon your livelihood for them on a whim after 3 months?

Just to clarify. We’ve been together for 2 years and as far as I’m concerned are still in the honeymoon period. It was the relationship with the colleague from 5 years ago that lasted 3 months.

OP posts:

Throwaway23X · 06/09/2023 09:12

Don’t quit your job! Having a job you like with a good salary is not to be taken for granted in these times.

Ask your GF why she has such trust issues. If she’s not able to get past them, you may need to think about moving on. You shouldn’t be ‘forced’ to leave your job when you’ve done nothing wrong.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 06/09/2023 09:13

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 09:09

He is with his partner 2 YEARS

He is living with her 12 MONTHS

He had a brief fling with a colleague for 3 MONTHS.

All there in the OP.

12 months living together. My apologies for carrying forward the error from another poster. I still think at 12 months to 2 years, this is a major red flag and the relationship should be easier than this, and that the girlfriend is showing a very worrying side to her. @Antaeus

CassiniG · 06/09/2023 09:15

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PandaPouch · 06/09/2023 09:18

It would be helpful to know your partners age...

Original poster

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 09:19

Rubiconmango · 06/09/2023 09:11

OP, are you not at all feeling a little uncomfortable with how strangers are speaking of the person you think the world of? Or is the unanimous opinion and confirmation of how you feel about the whole situation more important than expressing a little defense for your own gf? At 50, I'm guessing you've experienced life and value finding love, and surely wouldn't want people bashing your gf? Unless you no longer think the world of her?

I regret commenting on this thread. It turned nasty very quickly.

I’m not at all uncomfortable with taking counsel from people with no agenda. I’m my own person and ultimately will make my own decision regarding the GF. I’d defend her to the hilt if she’d been wronged but my OP was merely to see if I was being unreasonable. I didn’t think I was but if the posts on here had suggested I was in the wrong, I’d have looked to learn from it and try to be better. That’s not the case but I take all the views on board. I just want to make the right decisions in life.

OP posts: