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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be forced to quit my job because of a past relationship?

198 replies

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 06:48

I’m male, late 50s, have a job I enjoy mainly WFH and only call into the office once a month or so. 5 years ago I had a brief relationship (3 months) with a colleague who is still in the office. Ended amicably, we get on well professionally and have each settled down with someone else now. The relationship is long forgotten about and has never been an issue. I met my GF two years ago and we’ve been living together for 12 months. We were talking about relationships at work a few days ago as part of a wider conversation and I told her about my experience. My GF is now insisting I quit my job so I don’t come into contact with my ex. It doesn’t seem to matter that I barely see her, it’s never been an issue and she’s in a long term relationship of her own. I’ve no intention of quitting a job I like with no guarantee of getting a new one paying the same amount of money, especially at my age. AIBU to stand my ground on this? My GF is absolutely insistent I leave, and it’s making me doubt that she’s the one for me even though I think the world of her.

OP posts:
Mumuser124 · 06/09/2023 09:54

@Rubiconmango

Great advice if the women in question were between the ages of 16-30.. 48 though?!

I think if a women behaves this way at this age, it is probably unlikely she's going to be somebody that is capable of having a healthy relationship.

MsRosley · 06/09/2023 09:58

She's being ridiculous. Tell her to grow up and act her age.

Chippy4me · 06/09/2023 10:01

She sounds very controlling and if my partner said this to me I would run a mile.

I would be looking out for other red flags that you may have missed or over looked.

Unfortunately, some people like that their partners WFH because it means they don’t get a chance to speak to other people.

Do you have many hobbies that means mixing with the opposite sex?

This is really concerning behaviour OP.

If you don’t want to end the relationship then it’s important you are clear that it’s not going to happen and that you won’t be told what you can and can’t do and if she doesn’t like it she can leave.

horseyhorsey17 · 06/09/2023 10:04

Unless you've done something to earn this level of distrust from your GF, she is being ridiculous and acting like a pouty jealous teen. I'd get rid of her rather than the job.

If you have done something to earn that jealousy, it's a slightly different story though!

5128gap · 06/09/2023 10:07

Only you can decide whether remaining in the relationship is more important than this job.
Personally I wouldn't leave my job in the circumstances you describe as I'd feel her level of anxiety over this was disproportionate to the risk it presented, and it would indicate to me we were not on the same page regarding boundaries. I'd be concerned about that going forward as I'd worry she would have similar issues about day to day contact with the opposite sex wherever I worked.
I personally believe in some boundaries and some adaptations to behaviour if a partner is uncomfortable, for example I'd be happy not to go for drinks or build a friendship with the women. But to not be comfortable with a day a week professional contact would be too restrictive for me.

pontipinemum · 06/09/2023 10:09

Not a hope would I leave my job, it doesn't sound like you will, and you shouldn't

I didn't read the full thread just your updates so sorry if I got this wrong. If she has been cheated on I can understand a bit that she might be a little more 'sensitive' about these things. But she is also a grown woman who needs to not judge you on the behaviour of her previous partners.

CassiniG · 06/09/2023 10:10

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blueshoes · 06/09/2023 10:17

How old is your girlfriend? I am afraid she sounds 15.

user1473878824 · 06/09/2023 10:17

Rubiconmango · 06/09/2023 09:01

Apologies for the errors! Didn't want to pass without a comment after seeing how horribly the comments are speaking of your gf and suggesting you 'chuck her' [people who clearly can't separate their own lifes resentment and bitterness, from offering sound advice, should absolutely not be offering advice].

Most of MN is full of hurt people who I really feel would rather see a relationship fail, than believe that healthy relationships, boundaries and marriages can and are being enjoyed. Hopefully you can resolve this little milestone with your gf and continue to enjoy a blissful life together. And when you do, please update us. MN could do with some positivity and shine on healthy ways to overcome small blips [in the grand scheme of lifes tests - this is only a blip].

Insane.

user1471556818 · 06/09/2023 10:17

Don't quit your job unless big missing back story this is not normal behaviour. I would be really wary about this demand

FanDeath · 06/09/2023 10:20

Nuts behaviour from your gf here.

Work, income, is a priority. You don't leave a job that suits you well, that you're content with, because of interpersonal stuff that isn't even an issue. You get on fine with this ex, barely see her, there's really no need for you to be leaving over it.

Why did your current gf only just find out about this past relationship, though? Did it honestly never come up? Many I'm weird but I think if when I'd been with DH a few months either of us had slept with or dated one of our colleagues it would have probably come up. I wonder if she feels more like you've concealed it and that's where her reaction is coming from?

Either way, it's ridiculous and I'd be doubting my relationship too if my DH were trying to get me to quit my job cos I'd dated/slept with someone who worked there for a few months FIVE years ago.

Is she jealous in general? I'd be worried this is a red flag that's only just rearing its head.

blueshoes · 06/09/2023 10:21

Just saw your girlfriend is 48. You sound sensible. She should be mature enough to see that she has issues to deal with and not inflict them at such high cost on you.

At 50, it is generally going to be difficult for you to change jobs. Not sure she is thinking of your interests in all this.

Original poster
Antaeus · 06/09/2023 10:22

billy1966 · 06/09/2023 09:39

If she has past trauma then she needs to sort her shit out and not project onto her present partner.

I would be so wary of anyone that would think they can force a partner to give up a good job because of a fling with a colleague years before they had met.

It IS deeply disturbing behaviour.

Reflect OP, are there other controlling behaviours??....that you have allowed slide....but now see slowing eacalating.

These things get worse not better.

Be wary of her friends if she is surrounded by similarly batshit controlling people.

Normal people would laugh at her suggestion and tell her get a grip before she makes a right tit of herself and embarrasses herself.

Show quote history

I’ve met most of her friends. Most are decent and after meeting me can see I genuinely care for her, but she’s got some who I’ve seen try to manipulate her by badmouthing me. Unfortunately she can’t see them for what they are. They seem to have been there for her when she was at a low point years ago after a relationship breakup and as a result they can do no wrong in her eyes. I think they see me as a threat purely because I’m with her. I’d never tell anyone who they can and can’t see otherwise I’d be just as bad, but I don’t think they’ve genuinely got her best interests at heart.

OP posts:
SheRasBra · 06/09/2023 10:24

I would certainly not leave my job in your situation. If your GF is insecure then she will find something else to be insecure about that you will also have to quit.

You are well within your rights to state quite clearly that you have no intention of leaving your job but you're happy to listen to why she feels insecure and what reassurance you can give her of your commitment to her (that don't involve becoming a hermit). You trusted her to be open about your past relationship - it would have been more shady to withhold details of your past that she then uncovered.

I think things may be salvageable but she's got to meet you half way here and the 'reassurance' can't be constant i.e. constant demands to check your phone etc.

hattie43 · 06/09/2023 10:26

Err no of course you shouldn't leave your job

Original poster
Antaeus · 06/09/2023 10:28

FanDeath · 06/09/2023 10:20

Nuts behaviour from your gf here.

Work, income, is a priority. You don't leave a job that suits you well, that you're content with, because of interpersonal stuff that isn't even an issue. You get on fine with this ex, barely see her, there's really no need for you to be leaving over it.

Why did your current gf only just find out about this past relationship, though? Did it honestly never come up? Many I'm weird but I think if when I'd been with DH a few months either of us had slept with or dated one of our colleagues it would have probably come up. I wonder if she feels more like you've concealed it and that's where her reaction is coming from?

Either way, it's ridiculous and I'd be doubting my relationship too if my DH were trying to get me to quit my job cos I'd dated/slept with someone who worked there for a few months FIVE years ago.

Is she jealous in general? I'd be worried this is a red flag that's only just rearing its head.

FanDeath, she found out because I told her as part of a wider conversation about relationships in the workplace. As far as I was concerned, I’d got nothing to hide, it was long before I knew my GF and as we’d both moved on it was irrelevant in my book. Should I tell her about everyone I’ve ever been out with? She knew from the off about the serious relationships I’ve had, same as I do with her, but I’ve no interest in knowing about everyone she’s ever seen.

OP posts:
VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 06/09/2023 10:40

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 06:48

I’m male, late 50s, have a job I enjoy mainly WFH and only call into the office once a month or so. 5 years ago I had a brief relationship (3 months) with a colleague who is still in the office. Ended amicably, we get on well professionally and have each settled down with someone else now. The relationship is long forgotten about and has never been an issue. I met my GF two years ago and we’ve been living together for 12 months. We were talking about relationships at work a few days ago as part of a wider conversation and I told her about my experience. My GF is now insisting I quit my job so I don’t come into contact with my ex. It doesn’t seem to matter that I barely see her, it’s never been an issue and she’s in a long term relationship of her own. I’ve no intention of quitting a job I like with no guarantee of getting a new one paying the same amount of money, especially at my age. AIBU to stand my ground on this? My GF is absolutely insistent I leave, and it’s making me doubt that she’s the one for me even though I think the world of her.

I would quit the GF. If the sexes were reversed, no one would have any difficulty seeing this as controlling behaviour.

(ETA: I have no idea why I hit the quote button when replying to the lead post. Blush)

5128gap · 06/09/2023 10:44

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The OP has given absolutely no indication that his primary concern in this is his partners face, so I think you do him an injustice lowering the tone to something so shallow. It's also fairly offensive to direct the term 'sniffing distance' at him. The OP is not a dog.

orangegato · 06/09/2023 10:45

She’s a nut job, RUN DO NOT WALK.

Jetstream · 06/09/2023 10:47

What on earth are all the ‘at you age…’ comments about? Is the UK that ageist?
People work well into their 60s and 70s now and live well into their 80s and 90s.

MotherofGorgons · 06/09/2023 10:49

Jetstream · 06/09/2023 10:47

What on earth are all the ‘at you age…’ comments about? Is the UK that ageist?
People work well into their 60s and 70s now and live well into their 80s and 90s.

The world is, in general. My DH is also in his mid fifties, very highly qualified, tried to find a new job for months and could not. Eventually is staying where he is.

mosiacmaker · 06/09/2023 10:50

IMO the only context where someone needs to leave their job due to relationship is if they’ve had an affair, it’s ended and they are and trying to work on their marriage etc and part of that is that they need to remove themselves from the affair partner. Something way in the past that has been a non issue for many years doesn’t meet this threshold.

In saying that, if I knew my DP had previously dated a colleague it would stress me out a bit. But I would never ask him to leave his job. I might try to engineer a situation where I could meet the woman though and assess whether there was anything to worry about.

Cucucucu · 06/09/2023 10:56

Do not leave your job , that’s coercive control .

Sallyh87 · 06/09/2023 10:58

No, don’t quit your job! This sounds very controlling.

CassiniG · 06/09/2023 10:59

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