Should I be forced to quit my job because of a past relationship?

[Antaeus]

I’m male, late 50s, have a job I enjoy mainly WFH and only call into the office once a month or so. 5 years ago I had a brief relationship (3 months) with a colleague who is still in the office. Ended amicably, we get on well professionally and have each settled down with someone else now. The relationship is long forgotten about and has never been an issue. I met my GF two years ago and we’ve been living together for 12 months. We were talking about relationships at work a few days ago as part of a wider conversation and I told her about my experience. My GF is now insisting I quit my job so I don’t come into contact with my ex. It doesn’t seem to matter that I barely see her, it’s never been an issue and she’s in a long term relationship of her own. I’ve no intention of quitting a job I like with no guarantee of getting a new one paying the same amount of money, especially at my age. AIBU to stand my ground on this? My GF is absolutely insistent I leave, and it’s making me doubt that she’s the one for me even though I think the world of her.

Nah it's not the relationship for either of you.
You didn't mention for two years that you work with an ex. That's quite an oversight especially since in most workplaces romances with colleagues are prohibited. You think her friends don't like you - but put it down to their jealousy. And now your gf wants you to leave your job.
There is nothing healthy or functional here.
Also, fwiw coming to MN to ask 'other women' if your gf is right or not - makes you seem like an arse. It smacks of 'other women agree with me'. It doesn't matter. What matters is your relationship is a shitshow.

But certainly put in the work to get your gf on the same page, and draw a very clear healthy boundary of ex not being mentioned, and if there was any incident ever of ex crossing a boundary (even showing a remote interest in revelling in the past), you'd shut that down and tell your gf, to keep that trust. Please don't go saying you'd shut it down with ex, and gf simply needs to trust you. That's not how women work most of them time, and reassurances are always welcome and give a sense of security and priority

Well, actually she does simply need to trust him. What is it exactly that you want OP to do that he isn't already doing? He's never mentioned the woman up until this point and barely sees her.

This is probably the best post and most on the money

She's being OTT and completely ridiculous. Allowing her to dictate to you in such a proposterous vein is obviously not a wise idea. It wouldn't bode at all well for the future of this relationship.

Whatever the outcome, including the possible end of your relationship, you need to stand your ground on this. Your GF will find it difficult to form lasting relationships if this disproportionate level of insecurity and dictatorial behaviour colours her general interactions with others.

You are in no way being unreasonable here.

What's the favoured term on here, ah yes - throw her back !.

Why did your current gf only just find out about this past relationship, though? Did it honestly never come up?

Would it necessarily? I'm in my 50s. My partner knows I have slept with more than one colleague, but that's all. I could provide a full list of names and rough dates for everyone I've ever been with, but mostly it just comes up as, "I used to see this guy who did..." (thing related to whatever we're talking about.) He knows about the important ones, especially the ones I'm still friends with, though I'd not quiz him on the names, just as I don't remember all the names of the ones he's told me about, but quick flings and one night stands, nah.

Don't agree with me = nasty

Get a grip

Controlling and childish behaviour, is this the only expression of it, usually its a pattern of behaviour. I would be very annoyed with a partner who suggested I give up a job I enjoy and my financial security due to his insecurity and/or controlling nature. And unless they backed down and agreed it was their problem not mine, it would not bode well for the relationship.

I've been in the position of your GF and it's so, so hard to trust again, particularly if the ex cheated on her with someone he worked with. But I know, and she probably does too, that you have to trust each other, or it won't work long term. Talk to her properly about how she feels, and how it makes you feel. Tell her that you understand what she's been through, but you're not her ex, and you need to start with a fresh slate.

She sounds like hard work. I would ditch her to be honest.

You should absolutely not give up a job you love for such a silly reason. A 3 month relationship years ago and an amicable split should not warrant this.

You need to figure out if your gf’s request comes from a place of insecurity or a desire to control you. If it’s insecurity you can try to reason with her, reassure her or introduce them in a work setting or a meal out with partners if that will put her mind at ease.

If it’s controlling behaviour in general, it will only get worse once you start giving in. So you have to ask yourself if this relationship is worth it. It usually isn’t.

Your gf is nuts, and controlling.

If you worked with your ex every day I could see why your gf didn't like it, but you go to the office very rarely If you gf doesn't trust you that's her problem , you can't leave a decent job in your 50's for something trivial like this.

Or maybe she's just a nasty control freak?

Keep the job and ditch the gf.

She tells me that if she was to ask her friends what their opinion would be, they’d all agree with her that I’d have to leave and get another job,

Well her friends might well say that, but I'd just disagree with them as well. Since many of us meet people through work, it's quite likely that by your late 40s/ 50s you'll be working with someone you were once in a relationship with. Or there will be exes within your social group. My partner and I quite frequently hang out with an ex of his. She's no threat to the relationship. If anything I think the reverse - whatever was going to happen between them happened well before I was on the scene. I highly doubt it will be repeated.

I wouldn't like this at all OP. I mean it's just possibly she is desperately insecure and that if she works on this, with your help, the relationship is salvageable. But it's also possible that this is the start of a downward spiral into her being a controlling nightmare. I'd talk it through with her, tell her you're keeping your job, and take it from there. No way would I give up the job, not ever.

That’s really odd and screams red flags to me . It obviously does make a difference if she has any reason not to trust you - have you done anything that gives her reason to think you have been unfaithful or have you been unfaithful? If not then it’s her trust issues that she needs to confront and deal with , it’s unfair to expect you to leave your job when you have done nothing wrong . If she has unresolved trust issues maybe from past trauma then they will feel very real and overwhelming for her but she needs to confront and deal with them so that it does not impact on this relationship and as her partner you need to support this by reassuring her and doing everything you can to show her she can trust you and her heart is safe with you but if you leave your job to appease her , when you are not responsible for her trust issues , then ultimately you are not helping her as nothing is being confronted. With love , comes risk of being hurt and working hard to take all risk out of the way by controlling your partner is draining , damaging and just a sticking plaster over a huge , gaping wound - it’s not going to heal .

It gets more difficult to find work as you get older. The ageism is not the individual’s fault but the industries who want younger staff.

I wouldn't leave my job - as mentioned it's not always easy to find a job, also sounds like you haven't been together too long so there's no long term commitment there. Don't suppose there's any change your GF can meet her and say others in the team at a social event. She may realise she hasn't got anything to be worried about.

My husband was still friendly with his ex when we met as they were both part of the same social circle. I was a bit jealous when we first met as she had a better figure than me, but he can't stand her now as he thinks she's like an old woman socially and physically.

Hmmm well obviously you can't quit your job. Is there more to the story? Does she have a background of being betrayed? I only ask because my mother had a similar situation my father ran off with another woman. She later remarried. Her ex husband was friends with his ex wife. They had been separated 19 years he helped her out by walking her dog. She was also in a relationship all seemed harmless. About a year into mums relationship the ex was ringing him alot for random things she needed help with. He would pop over there to fix things. My mum started getting a bit concerned and brought it up. His response was don't be daft we are just friends. So anyway after a few weeks the ex turns up at the house to drop something off. Would not even speak to my mum and was incredibly rude. She gave him the ultimatum as she had a feeling something wasn't right. We all thought she was being ridiculously paranoid because of what my dad did..... Fast forward 6 years and marriage and sure enough. He was having an affair with her the whole time. It was a thing the ex didn't want him as a husband or for a relationship he was her go to when her relationships fell apart. He had been back and forth the whole time. She would pick him up and dump him when her relationships were breaking down and between other relationships. Silly man is still waiting round for her. My mother is on her own now but happy. If it's truly over with your ex and you have given her no reason to doubt you then you need to re evaluate your relationship. But if she has had past experiences like my mother where the only two relationships she has ever had she was betrayed then maybe be a bit more patient and find a way to work through it.

Hi, it’s my first and only post on here and I thought this place would be the right forum to get a (mainly) female perspective. I very much have my own mind but am not above taking counsel. Seriously, if the majority sided with the GF, I’d work at trying to find a solution. I didn’t think I was in the wrong but if the Court of Public Opinion had disagreed, I’d have looked very hard at myself in the mirror. Apologies, I don’t know what MRAs are so I’m not really sure what you’re getting at.

Oh pull the fucking other one. Do you say this on every thread posted on the relationship board then? I thought not

no dont quit your job-you hardly see her its was a short relationship and youve both moved on

Agree with PPs that it’s not on.

You moving jobs in the context of employers’ ageism and other risks, would be a big risk, for no good reason!