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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I be forced to quit my job because of a past relationship?

198 replies

Antaeus · 06/09/2023 06:48

I’m male, late 50s, have a job I enjoy mainly WFH and only call into the office once a month or so. 5 years ago I had a brief relationship (3 months) with a colleague who is still in the office. Ended amicably, we get on well professionally and have each settled down with someone else now. The relationship is long forgotten about and has never been an issue. I met my GF two years ago and we’ve been living together for 12 months. We were talking about relationships at work a few days ago as part of a wider conversation and I told her about my experience. My GF is now insisting I quit my job so I don’t come into contact with my ex. It doesn’t seem to matter that I barely see her, it’s never been an issue and she’s in a long term relationship of her own. I’ve no intention of quitting a job I like with no guarantee of getting a new one paying the same amount of money, especially at my age. AIBU to stand my ground on this? My GF is absolutely insistent I leave, and it’s making me doubt that she’s the one for me even though I think the world of her.

OP posts:

IvorTheEngineDriver · 07/09/2023 20:26

She doesn't trust you and she probably never will if this is anything to go by. DTB.

Loudhousefun · 07/09/2023 20:36

Raggammuuffin - Your post is excellent, my relationship is exactly as you have described. Its been terrible for my MH, and my insecurities were compounded by certain members of his family too. Such a shit place to be in and I have to keep reminding myself not to fall into this again.

Skodacool · 07/09/2023 21:32

Antaeus · 07/09/2023 19:08

If I didn’t know better I’d say you were her…wow😮

Show quote history

Welcome to the world of Mumsnet; it’s not always a kind place 🙄

Swiffly · 07/09/2023 21:35

I have to agree with most people on here and say it’s a red flag, sadly. Is it something to do with the way you described the work colleague or the situation? It seems like a massive over-reaction otherwise, and out of character from what you’ve said.

Apart from that, I’ve read all your messages/replies and think you sound like a very reasonable, kind, considered, intelligent man who’s genuinely interested in a different POV. I hope your GF appreciates you. She must be great if you think the world of her but don’t let her change you, please.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 07/09/2023 21:48

Yet another one who would advise you to run for the hills OP. I'm afraid she sounds like she's trying to manipulate you, and no one should do that even with small things in life, let alone your job. She sounds completely batshit, and her so called friends, who you clearly don't trust, are probably egging her on with this, knowing that the chances are that you'll walk. As you've already found, she won't hear a word against THEM, so if after two years together she doesn't trust you, particularly when you barely even go into the office, I think she really does have massive trust issues, and you'd be far better off walking away.

Teenagehorrorbag · 07/09/2023 23:45

Massive red flag - She is the problem, not your job!

My DH of 20 years sometimes bumps into my first 'love' when out, and they get on quite well. His ex-fiancee was going out with his best friend when we got married, and her DD (by someone else) was our bridesmaid. As PPs have said - they're exes for a reason. You need trust in a relationship, and controlling behaviour like your GF's is only going to escalate. Time to leave, I'm afraid......

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/09/2023 00:08

OP, I've been in relationships where I was insecure and didn't have any trust. Thing is, I had reason to be so because of the behaviours from my then partner.
Have you given her reason to be insecure?
If not, then she's hurting from past relationships and has had someone to back to an ex before.
How was she before she found out about the ex?
If you've been together for two years and she's trusted you I. That time, what's stopping her trusting you now.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2023 00:43

My only sympathy for her might be if it's someone you regularly work with and talk about and you've given the impression she's only a colleague she might feel betrayed you didn't mention she's an ex. It might give the impression you were intentionally hiding it until now.

Don't quit obviously, but do give your gf lots of reassurance compliments and kindness about how much you love her, reassure hee that the ex is no threat and also reassure her that she won't be caught off guard in the future.

PetiteNasturtium · 08/09/2023 00:51

She will drive away every man she gets with unless they are desperate and have low self esteem. You need to end the relationship.

Coyoacan · 08/09/2023 00:56

You can never make a jealous person happy.

sidebirds · 08/09/2023 02:14

For what it's worth, something like this happened to me. Too convoluted to go into but I met someone who lived 200 miles away. We dated for a year, saw one another almost every weekend, and I moved down after a year (but got my own place, in order not to move too fast as we both agreed). A friend of the opposite sex came to stay 6 weeks later - this was someone from another country I had known for 3 years via a previous ex, whom my ex had been told about very long early in our relationship when it was made clear that this was just a friend and someone that would be at some point be coming to stay with me. (Timing wasn't perfect but so be it, I was looking forward to meeting up). Despite all the above not to mention a perfect first year together, my ex ended up kicking off a few days after the 3 week visit started , everything fell apart. I chose my ex over the friend (who I understandably lost touch with); we recovered and had maybe 5 great years, then an old friend of the opposite sex got in touch, purely as a friend. Hadn't heard from her in 25 years. Ex claimed to be fine about it. Had a night out with the friend, with contact with the ex by text throughout. Same thing happened. Finally broke up. Ex had unresolved issues. I am your age OP. Don't make the same mistake as me. You need to discuss this 'no holds barred' and if it can't be resolved LEAVE. Otherwise I guarantee this will happen again should you accommodate her insecurities. The problem is hers and hers alone. I hope you reach a positive solution. 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾

Blondewithredlips · 08/09/2023 03:22

YANBU

Tinkerbyebye · 08/09/2023 06:37

Red flag mate, she sounds very controlling, demanding you quit because of something 5 years ago and both parties have moved on

there is no trust from her, so I wouldn’t be staying in the relationship, it’s will only get worse.

Hmm1234 · 08/09/2023 07:09

I’d feel the same. We all know how the ‘work wife/ husband’ role ends up playing out

Fuckitletshavevino · 08/09/2023 07:39

My sons dad “encouraged” me to leave a job I loved. That was the start of the controlling, after that is was where I can and can’t go. How I spent my money. How often I could have a cigarette. He turned out to be a narcissist who was abusive too. Run whilst you can

LaDamaDeElche · 08/09/2023 09:07

She’s a walking red flag.

HerMammy · 08/09/2023 09:13

@Hmm1234
I’d feel the same. We all know how the ‘work wife/ husband’ role ends up playing out
A 3mth fling 5 years ago and they rarely work together? you sound like OPs GF; mad

WisherWood · 08/09/2023 09:41

If you've been together for two years and she's trusted you I. That time, what's stopping her trusting you now.

It might be a change in the OP's behaviour. However, when people are abusive, they don't start off abusive. They tend to wait around 2 years, sometimes longer, sometimes less, but until they feel they've hooked their partner. Then they can start to be abusive. If they do it before then, it's easier for the partner to walk away. But two years in, they're in a safer position to start making demands, especially if by then they're living together. Only the OP (and his GF) can know which is more likely in his relationship.

frambly · 08/09/2023 15:22

i agree

frambly · 08/09/2023 15:24

i agree with the person who said this controlling behavior is a red flag. not sure where my comment ended u so just need to clarify 🙃

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 08/09/2023 15:35

@Antaeus I've only just found this thread today and haven't read it all, just your posts, so forgive me if other posters have mentioned similar.

She has been cheated on in the past, and that might be at the root of why she feels so uncomfortable about you working with an ex. The thing is though, that if she feels that she doesn't trust you, how will she feel about you working with any other female members of staff? Say you might happen to mention in passing, during a holiday-planning conversation: "Jane in marketing has just got back from Tenerife, she had a great time by all accounts". Will she start wondering whether you fancy Jane, and she can't trust you with her either?

Roxy69 · 08/09/2023 16:39

Mirabai · 06/09/2023 07:55

You and she cannot allow her insecurities to dominate your lives.

And yes at your age you need to hold on to the job you have.

Going forward this is unlikely to be the only thing she is massively insecure/unreasonable/controlling about.

Absolutely this. You might even get her turning up at your work, or work event and making a fool of you in public. Walk away very fast, if she gives you an ultimatum accept it very quickly and consider yourself saved. There are other fish in the sea.

Raeinbow · 09/09/2023 19:49

Have to say, i really admire you coming to a mostly female space to ask rather than an 'echo chamber' enviroment as you're getting genuine responses!

She sounds very controlling and I thibk its quite concerning, does she dictate other things? If you let her have this the requests will become more frequent I would say. Dont risk your livelihood for what sppears to be a relatively short relationship so far x

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