Should I be forced to quit my job because of a past relationship?

[Antaeus]

I’m male, late 50s, have a job I enjoy mainly WFH and only call into the office once a month or so. 5 years ago I had a brief relationship (3 months) with a colleague who is still in the office. Ended amicably, we get on well professionally and have each settled down with someone else now. The relationship is long forgotten about and has never been an issue. I met my GF two years ago and we’ve been living together for 12 months. We were talking about relationships at work a few days ago as part of a wider conversation and I told her about my experience. My GF is now insisting I quit my job so I don’t come into contact with my ex. It doesn’t seem to matter that I barely see her, it’s never been an issue and she’s in a long term relationship of her own. I’ve no intention of quitting a job I like with no guarantee of getting a new one paying the same amount of money, especially at my age. AIBU to stand my ground on this? My GF is absolutely insistent I leave, and it’s making me doubt that she’s the one for me even though I think the world of her.

OP, if you quit your job on these grounds to appease her insecurities, where will it stop? What's the next thing she'll want you to do because her feelings should come first?

Think about that.

She’s 48

I regret commenting on this thread. It turned nasty very quickly.

@Rubiconmango can you genuinely not see why saying this about your fellow posters might get people to (much more nicely than you did) respond in ways you might not like:

Most of MN is full of hurt people who I really feel would rather see a relationship fail, than believe that healthy relationships, boundaries and marriages can and are being enjoyed.

What toxic advice.

after seeing how horribly the comments are speaking of your gf and suggesting you 'chuck her' [people who clearly can't separate their own lifes resentment and bitterness, from offering sound advice, should absolutely not be offering advice].

All direct quotes from your own posts. No one has been nasty to you, they have just disagreed with you, and a lot more politely than they usually would when someone was defending an abuser. 🤷‍♀️

Your girlfriend is being ridiculous
Tell her straight you're not leaving your job then she can decide what she wants to do

The bizarreness of people's thinking and behaviour in relationships never ceases to amaze me.

Not 100% certain but most of us who lived in UK's majority culture will have more than one sexual relationship in our lives. Those other people are still out there. They may well still move in the same social and work circumstances. If neither of you is still pining for the other and have moved on, as seems to be the case here, that's life.

How long into the OP's current relationship was the previous one with the colleague disclosed? When did current partner decide it was an issue?

I'd not be giving up my job if I were happy and secure. Sufficient service to have full employment rights (ie recourse to a Tribunal) and access to redundancy pay is a big plus.

If she cannot accept you're over that one what's next up?

Controlling. End of.

I think most people would agree that the only circumstances in which it would be reasonable to insist you leave your job would be if you'd had an affair with your colleague whilst with your GF and you were trying to rebuild the relationship, but that is nowhere near the case here. Your colleague is quite clearly no more of a threat to your relationship than any other woman.

Has your GF form for jealous and controlling behaviour?

This is a massive red flag. I thin you should end the relationship. It is controlling and totally unreasonable behaviour. Next time it will be something or someone else she is jealous of. No

It's likely that her past relationship trauma is still raw for her. She probably needs guidance on dealing with that.

You should stand your ground on keeping your job.

Unless you have a history of cheating on her/ chatting up other women - which it seems you don't - then she is being very unreasonable and controlling.

Also, show her this thread. You've said such lovely things about your relationship but granted her expectations could be the demise of your relationship together and she needs to understand that.

OMG don't start getting controlled in your bloody 50s, get rid and move on with your life - this is only the start - next you won't be allowed go on a night out etc etc

Totally unreasonable of your partner!

Unfortunately, I think this is one of the more common forms of controlling and abusive relationships that happens Female to Male. I've seen a number of female posters on here over the years who, like your GF, are upset because their DP has an ex who he still sees occasionally or who are insecure because their last ex cheated on them so want their new man to stay home/call all the time/only spend time with them.

The problem is that if they have this insecurity, YOU cannot fix it. They have to do the work to fix it. You can get a new job and never see or speak to this woman again but then if you start working with a different women, THAT will be the next thing she's paranoid about and you'll spend your time trying to reassure her about her.

It's a no win situation

Also, tell her to ask her friends - in my experience, people like this are so blinkered they honestly do think their friends would agree with them but in fact, they don't. They are so confident that they don't ask.

This is ridiculous, as everyone has said. You will never be able to get a similar job again, or at least find it very hard to. And it was before you met her!

If she has past trauma then she needs to sort her shit out and not project onto her present partner.

I would be so wary of anyone that would think they can force a partner to give up a good job because of a fling with a colleague years before they had met.

It IS deeply disturbing behaviour.

Reflect OP, are there other controlling behaviours??....that you have allowed slide....but now see slowing eacalating.

These things get worse not better.

Be wary of her friends if she is surrounded by similarly batshit controlling people.

Normal people would laugh at her suggestion and tell her get a grip before she makes a right tit of herself and embarrasses herself.

Huge red flag from your girlfriend. I thought this sort of nonsense stopped when you were 21.

it's exceptionally immature, it's controlling and it's very disrespectful. You have worked hard in a job, you enjoy it and have given her no reason to doubt your loyalty (presumably).

I would absolutely stand my ground on this one and I would be brutally honest about my reasons for doing so. I would not even allow this to be a discussion any further.

You should be running for the hills. This will not be the last thing she tries to control.

Your GF is deranged . Get rid of her before she finds your pet rabbit.

No, she is being ridiculous. Dh and I attended the wedding of one of my exes. If you are thoughtful, mature adults, you can see someone you once dated without cheating on a partner. Honestly, I think this relationship is not for you. A woman (presumably also in her 50s?) should have more self-esteem than this.

Absolute madness. She really expects you to hand in your notice, in your late fifties, in a job you love, where presumably you have accumulated benefits with length of service, to start again because she is insecure?

You have only been with her two years, yet the brief relationship was 3 years before you met her, and she never had any cause for concern when she didn't know?

Wow, it isn't you, it's her. Please do not give up your job.

Yes, agree. Do you already have to mitigate for her insecurity? Perhaps fewer nights out with your male friends or constant calls to check up on you? Sulking if you're a few minutes late....?

Her jealousy issues are hers to address. If she can't sort her head out you should leave.

🚩 Run!
Not a sane request; not someone you can have a healthy relationship with.