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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter wants to live with her father and stepmother

194 replies

parismorin · 04/09/2023 13:48

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I feel upset, so please be kind (even though I may be in the wrong). Also English is not my first language.

My ex-DH and I divorced two years ago. I instigated this as I realised I did not truly love him anymore. We have four children - DS 23, twins DDs 21, and our little one DD11.

Since then he has bought another flat where he is living with his new partner, a younger woman who does not have children but I understand had previously always wanted them.

Originally our daughter DD3 continued to live with me and my DM in the family house. This always worked because my DM would provide childcare and stability in addition to me & my ex-DH; I work long hours in a senior position with a lot of travel. However, my DM sadly died recently.

After a lot of discussion and tears, my DD admitted to her father she wanted to move out and live with them. It is true she does not have enough parental presence at home, I know that. Whereas my DH has regular hours, can WFH, and his new partner is freelance and not working so much. I know it makes sense. But I feel like my little girl is leaving me and I'm so sad.

For context, my DH is a different nationality to me (we live in my home city) and his new partner is the same nationality as him & doesn't speak my language, so I also worry my DD will be in a little bubble of their nationality, or is rejecting my background... I know that is irrational.

I feel somewhat jealous of the new partner - I don't want to be with my DH any more but she is a little over 10 years younger than him, very pretty, funny, kind. He is a very good man and devoted father, we just are not as compatible as we once were.
AIBU?

OP posts:
YouHoooo · 04/09/2023 13:49

If uou dramatically cut your hours would DD think again?

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2023 13:50

What childcare arrangements do you have in place?

If she did live with them, how often would you see her?

Sirzy · 04/09/2023 13:50

It may actually let you get a better bond with her as the time together will be quality time

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2023 13:51

YANBU to feel upset, though you acknowledge it’s probably for the best for her.

YABU about his partner. You didn’t want him, she does, hopefully they’re happy and settled as that’s what’s best for your kids.

Feverly · 04/09/2023 13:52

How much less time would you spend with her? If she’d be sitting home alone while you work long hours, would it not be better for her to be with her other parent rather than alone? Would you need to pay him maintenance as her primary carer?

iknowimcoming · 04/09/2023 13:53

Yanbu to feel sad about it, particularly since you've recently lost your mum (sorry for your loss), but it does sound like she'd be better off living with them unless you can make radical changes to your career (which you obviously realise) maybe suggest a trial for 3 months?

Lilolilibet · 04/09/2023 13:53

It sounds as it your daughter has been quite lonely since your mum died. Perhaps you should start by thinking of her needs and how you can accommodate them.

Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:00

Thank you for your messages so far, I am very relieved for your sympathy.
I think we have both been sad in coping with the divorce and my DM's death, we were all very close.
For what it's worth, I suppose I am worrying that I'm not the maternal 'type'. I am ambitious, my ex-DH supported my working longer hours and travelling. I feel torn between my daughter and my career as I've been very successful in a male-dominated field.
I have good qualities but I know I am flawed; I am not as patient or consistent as he is. I am loving and have a good relationship with my children but he was always the one who would stay very calm, would carefully go through their homework with them etc., while I was working. That's painful for me to admit. I think I wouldn't think about it as much if I were a man.

OP posts:
Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:03

By contrast, my DH's new partner seems very maternal, sweet, caring, fun. There is nothing to dislike about her. I worry that if my DD goes to her she will surely prefer her to me. That's also hard to admit or to think about. It seems unfair in a way. I have four children, she has none. In a way, I would like to share my children with her.
I think it is true that my daughter and I will benefit from spending just 'quality' time together.

OP posts:
Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:05

I would not need to pay him maintenance [although I would if needed] - he is from a wealthy family and has been very generous in leaving me with the family home, although it was mainly bought with his family money.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/09/2023 14:15

I can well imagine this is hugely painful for you.

You clearly love your children and youngest daughter very much and want what is best for them, like any good mother.

Unfortunately this is one of those times in a womans life where you simply cannot have it all.

At 11 your daughter needs support and stability and your career is too demanding to allow that.

Be generous and supportive and put her first.

Tell her you understand this makes sense and let her go without guilting her.

It is great your husband and his new partner are good people.

You will not lose your daughter.

She will know you love her deeply, enough to put her ahead of yourself.

It's ok to be very sad about this.

Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:24

YouHoooo · 04/09/2023 13:49

If uou dramatically cut your hours would DD think again?

@YouHoooo I have been thinking about this, but I think it's also that in the other home she has two adults (DH and the new partner) whereas here it is just me. It would be difficult to cut my hours - I would not be able to do it until next year at least. And my career is very important to me.

OP posts:
ZoeCM · 04/09/2023 14:26

It would be difficult to cut my hours - I would not be able to do it until next year at least. And my career is very important to me.

Ultimately, it comes down to which is more important - your daughter living with you, or your career? If it's the latter, you have to let her live with her dad. It would be cruel to let her continue being lonely.

Sorry for the loss of your mother.

Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:26

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2023 13:50

What childcare arrangements do you have in place?

If she did live with them, how often would you see her?

@Nanny0gg Currently, it has been very patchwork - my adult DDs and DS sometimes come to stay in the house, as does my sister. We also have a nanny / housekeeper but have had to change a few times due to schedule clashes etc, so this has not been very consistent.
Otherwise she goes to stay in the apartment with my ex-DH and the new partner.

OP posts:
Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 14:27

Your career is important to you but giving your DD a stable home environment isn’t? Fuck me she should definitely go live with her father.

ButterflyOil · 04/09/2023 14:37

At the end of the day your ex and his partner sound like good people who want to provide that stability for your daughter. You have prioritised your career and that’s your choice to do, it’s painful but you can still see your daughter vs being the main carer. It’s ok to be sad but if you’re not willing or able to give her the time she needs it’s probably better she can be with her father and his partner as suggested and you do all you can to make the time you do spend with her quality and meaningful.

Also she is his daughter too! The important thing is that she has the support and time she needs from trusted parental figures. It sounds like she had that before from your mum and now she can have that from her father and his partner and with you continuing the role you’ve had as her mother but not being overly present time wise due to the travel and long hours.

It’s ok to feel a little jealous of the new partner but you’ve recognised she is a good woman. She’s not replacing you, she going to add extra in terms of day to day caring with your ex.

I do feel for you but it’s a case of you love your daughter but are not best placed to be her main cared which you’ve also recognised.

Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:37

billy1966 · 04/09/2023 14:15

I can well imagine this is hugely painful for you.

You clearly love your children and youngest daughter very much and want what is best for them, like any good mother.

Unfortunately this is one of those times in a womans life where you simply cannot have it all.

At 11 your daughter needs support and stability and your career is too demanding to allow that.

Be generous and supportive and put her first.

Tell her you understand this makes sense and let her go without guilting her.

It is great your husband and his new partner are good people.

You will not lose your daughter.

She will know you love her deeply, enough to put her ahead of yourself.

It's ok to be very sad about this.

@billy1966 thank you very much, I feel quite tearful at your kind words.

I think this is right. I know that really she needs to go to be with them for more stability. Our family life always functioned with me working, my mother being around in the home, my DH working not full-time. Now I cannot provide the care and work full-time.

I should add at this point, I do have friends here with whom I can confide, but I also wanted to share on Mumsnet to reach more people of my husband's nationality, for different viewpoints.

My question now is, how do I address this and start the discussion about living arrangements? Our DD is (like my ex-DH), a little reserved and not very open in expressing herself, a gentle soul. She would have wanted to please me by living together.

I wonder how much I should talk with my husband's new partner about this? Should it just be him?

It is the right decision. She wanted children in the past, for a long time, but I understand has decided not to pursue this any more. (My DH is 50). So I suppose it is good, it is a chance for a kind of motherhood for someone who is very clearly a kind, maternal person. And my DD is someone who needs gentle, affection - she loves baking, watching more girly films, shopping, things I have never been so good at, My DH's new partner is younger, more stylish - she will be better at those activities.

OP posts:
Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:38

My ex-DH (that was a Freudian slip!)

OP posts:
Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:41

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 14:27

Your career is important to you but giving your DD a stable home environment isn’t? Fuck me she should definitely go live with her father.

No, it is very important that she has a stable home environment. Originally we all felt she should stay in the family home with me and her grandmother, that was important to us and what she had wanted at the time, although she knew she would miss ex-DH. It was my DM's death that has made this more difficult, and also realising, through sad reflection on my part, what I have already known - I am not as maternal and as good a mother as she needs. I am not a bad person, but I am recognising my limits.

I hope this thread can be useful in the future for people like me who are also struggling with the conflicts of mid-life divorce, careers, children, all these choices.

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 04/09/2023 14:44

I have to be completely honest and say that although you of course have a right to be upset, it might be for the best for your DD right now if that’s what she wants.

I was living with my mum after my parents divorced. I did then decide to go and live with my dad for a bit. My mum had a new boyfriend and hardly paid me any attention, and I was uncomfortable with how much he drank. Whereas my dad’s new partners were always lovely and I got on with them really well. I wouldn’t underestimate how nice/important it is as a teenage girl to have a nice bond with a female adult, and the reality is she may be getting that from her dad’s partner.

Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:44

ButterflyOil · 04/09/2023 14:37

At the end of the day your ex and his partner sound like good people who want to provide that stability for your daughter. You have prioritised your career and that’s your choice to do, it’s painful but you can still see your daughter vs being the main carer. It’s ok to be sad but if you’re not willing or able to give her the time she needs it’s probably better she can be with her father and his partner as suggested and you do all you can to make the time you do spend with her quality and meaningful.

Also she is his daughter too! The important thing is that she has the support and time she needs from trusted parental figures. It sounds like she had that before from your mum and now she can have that from her father and his partner and with you continuing the role you’ve had as her mother but not being overly present time wise due to the travel and long hours.

It’s ok to feel a little jealous of the new partner but you’ve recognised she is a good woman. She’s not replacing you, she going to add extra in terms of day to day caring with your ex.

I do feel for you but it’s a case of you love your daughter but are not best placed to be her main cared which you’ve also recognised.

Thank you very much, for these kind words. I am not best placed to be her main carer and it is important that I am clear about this in my mind.

I would be grateful for advice on how to discuss the subject? I know I can be more emotional than both of them. That is mainly cultural difference, partly our personalities. I need to have more of an English stiff upper lip maybe...!

OP posts:
Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:46

MariaVT65 · 04/09/2023 14:44

I have to be completely honest and say that although you of course have a right to be upset, it might be for the best for your DD right now if that’s what she wants.

I was living with my mum after my parents divorced. I did then decide to go and live with my dad for a bit. My mum had a new boyfriend and hardly paid me any attention, and I was uncomfortable with how much he drank. Whereas my dad’s new partners were always lovely and I got on with them really well. I wouldn’t underestimate how nice/important it is as a teenage girl to have a nice bond with a female adult, and the reality is she may be getting that from her dad’s partner.

@MariaVT65 thankyou, it is so helpful to have your perspective. Can I ask, how did you view your father's new partners? Did you seem them as a mother-figure or more like an aunt or general caring figure?

OP posts:
minipie · 04/09/2023 14:47

It sounds like your ex has played the primary parent role while you were together - being at home more and helping with homework etc (with help from your DM). Given this, it’s not really surprising that your DD will live with him rather than you. It’s only surprising it’s taken so long really.

Did you not expect this when you chose to split with him?

As a pp said, it’s ok to be sad about this whilst also recognising it is best for your DD.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 14:47

There is no English stiff upper lip when it comes to admitting you don’t want to prioritise your child 🙄 it’s not something the vast majority of British people agree with. We put our children first, before our own lives and careers. We love our kids more than ourselves.

MariaVT65 · 04/09/2023 14:51

parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:46

@MariaVT65 thankyou, it is so helpful to have your perspective. Can I ask, how did you view your father's new partners? Did you seem them as a mother-figure or more like an aunt or general caring figure?

Show quote history

I didn’t see them as mother figures at all, but more caring figures. One of them was more like an older sister tbh (she was younger than my dad!). I had/still have a much worse relationship with my mum that you do with your daughter, but for me it was nice to feel like I was in an environment where people cared for me.