My daughter wants to live with her father and stepmother

[parismorin]

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I feel upset, so please be kind (even though I may be in the wrong). Also English is not my first language.

My ex-DH and I divorced two years ago. I instigated this as I realised I did not truly love him anymore. We have four children - DS 23, twins DDs 21, and our little one DD11.

Since then he has bought another flat where he is living with his new partner, a younger woman who does not have children but I understand had previously always wanted them.

Originally our daughter DD3 continued to live with me and my DM in the family house. This always worked because my DM would provide childcare and stability in addition to me & my ex-DH; I work long hours in a senior position with a lot of travel. However, my DM sadly died recently.

After a lot of discussion and tears, my DD admitted to her father she wanted to move out and live with them. It is true she does not have enough parental presence at home, I know that. Whereas my DH has regular hours, can WFH, and his new partner is freelance and not working so much. I know it makes sense. But I feel like my little girl is leaving me and I'm so sad.

For context, my DH is a different nationality to me (we live in my home city) and his new partner is the same nationality as him & doesn't speak my language, so I also worry my DD will be in a little bubble of their nationality, or is rejecting my background... I know that is irrational.

I feel somewhat jealous of the new partner - I don't want to be with my DH any more but she is a little over 10 years younger than him, very pretty, funny, kind. He is a very good man and devoted father, we just are not as compatible as we once were.
AIBU?

I totally understand your feelings, OP. Perhaps this is one of those 'stages' when kids gravitate to one parent rather than another. It's hard not to take it personally, but it's likely that as she grows up she will appreciate more what you bring to her life.

Strawberryboost currently my ex-DH has her every other weekend and maybe once midweek...she also might come to their flat for tea after school as it is closer (her primary school was by our family home but the secondary school is closer into the city centre)

and the suggestion is that this would swap ie you have same as ex currently?

if you and ex were in same position - who do you think she’d want to live with you or ex?

I feel sad for you, but you are obviously a lovely person who is trying to do the best thing for DD - and it is also the best thing for you.

One point - don't try too hard to have the stiff upper lip. This is painful for you and I do feel that you might need to show that. You seem to have a very civilized relationship with XDH and new partner, but I wouldn't like you to be in a position where they or DD could say at any point in the future 'she didn't care, she didn't even shed a tear'. Showing some real emotion makes you stronger rather than weaker in this situation, I feel.

Are you just posting to put the boot in ? The OP has explained her reasons and that she feels unable to provide the stable environment her DD needs since her own mother died. You made your point clear enough in your first post - no need to ram it home with sweeping generalisations.

What a nasty post, and so full of misogyny. Do the 'vast majority' of British men put their children before their careers? No, I thought not. But if a woman has a conflict between motherhood and her career, you feel entitled to pile on her.

Then you’ve failed to understand the OP’s posts haven’t you ?

There’s a way to say ‘it wouldn’t be my choice’ but this isn’t it. Speaking on behalf of an entire population is pure thickery.

You’ve worked hard and have built a career that will sustain you for years to come. You’re also thinking about your DD and putting her first. You have nothing to feel guilty about although I know you’ll be feeling sad. As another pp said there are positives if your DD moves in with her dad as you’ll be able to spend time with her in a different way (more quality although less quantity). Wish you the best OP

Racist nonsense. Plenty of other cultures prioritise their children far more than we do.

What a load of absolute shite !! And pompous, self righteous shite at that !! The OP is prioritising her child by making sure her needs are met by her dad and his partner. Some people can’t resist posting to be nasty but you’ve done it twice. We all got the message the first time.

The OP has said, ‘For what it's worth, I suppose I am worrying that I'm not the maternal 'type'.’

It is hard to admit this. Society expects women to be maternal and it must be terrifying for mums to admit this taboo.

In this case, given how comfortable the girl is with her dad, is sending her child there not exactly an example of OP putting her child first now? It seems like the is doing the right thing.

Though her love of her daughter comes through in this thread to me. Regardless of the circumstances.

IDK, I think the prevailing British culture nowadays is absolutely to prioritise career over children. Certainly on Mumsnet anyway.

OP my nieces lived with their dad (my brother) after his marriage broke down. It was best for them because their mum couldn't provide the consistent care they needed. I know she found it very hard because some people can be very judgemental if children are not with their mother (although the same people don't give a shit if kids aren't with there dad). My nieces still have a great relationship with their mum.

Your daughter is so lucky!!! She has so many people who truly love and care for her. I lived with my mum then moved in with my dad (but that’s a whole other story!) , two of my friends done the same. It’s not that unusual.

No I haven't, but thank you for checking.

Ignore the nasty comments OP.

If you're happy with the decision then do be it.

And don't put yourself down. It's easy for the XH and SM to be all nicey-nice and playing Happy Families and when they're not the resident parent. Having your DD there FT is going to cramp their style particularly as she gets into her teenage years.

Parenting Teenage girls? No thank you!

You may find that your DD returns home sooner than expected when the novelty wears off.

Your suggestion of selling the family home and moving nearer to her and to her school sounds very sensible.

The OP is giving her DD a stable home environment by putting her first and allowing her to choose to live with her father, because he is better placed to provide what she needs. Men prioritise their careers all the time and women pick up the slack. Why are you so outraged at the OP wanting to do the same and having the means to do it ?

Where did she ever say that?

Give your head a wobble. FFS.

HI @parismorin I just wanted to come on here and give you a hand hold really.
My children also decided they would prefer to live with Dad a few years after we divorced. It has been heart-breaking and the senseless comments on places like Mumsnet don't help!
There is a stereotype (probably worldwide but certainly here in UK) that children "will always choose their Mother" or that children are better off with Mum. For lots of different reasons this simply isn't always the case - and while it maybe the minority - there are cases where children end up with their Dad.

It absolutely doesn't mean your Daughter doesn't love you too. Its just - right now she would prefer her main base to be at Dads place rather than yours.

As for starting discussions around what the new arrangements will look like. It sounds like you all get on well enough to have an open and sensible discussion about this before any changes are made. Think about what you would like - consider your work arrangements and be realistic to have time with your daughter when you can give her full attention. You will start to find you will enjoy the dedicated 1:1 time with her. Ask your Daughter what she would like to do and finally speak with your ExH. Arrangements should be made directly between the three of you. I personally would not directly involved the new GF - although I imagine your ExH will be having discussions with her in the background. (that's fine - but ultimately you and Ex Husband should make final decision)
If possible arrange a face to face meeting with your ExH to discuss all this.

Be prepared for this to be an ongoing discussion - what you arrange now - might not work in 6 months - a Years time and things change.

I agree with a poster above - its absolutely fine to show your emotion - your daughter will know this will upset you and its ok to show it. Just make sure she knows you support her decision - even though it makes you sad - thats OK.

They clearly didn’t give it enough of a wobble because their second post manages to be rude, smug, racist and misogynistic all at the same time, not to mention the breathtaking sweeping generalisations !!

@parismorin, my sympathies on the loss of your DM.

You sound like a lovely and highly intelligent woman and you are right about the angst of working long hours in a demanding job while being a parent, it would be different if you were a man.

It sounds like you have concluded that it is in your DD's best interests to live with your exH and partner and that the next step is to speak to them both to work out the best way forward.

It is wonderful that you and your ExH have a respectful and civilised relationship and that you recognise the positives that his partner brings to her relationship to your DD. As someone has already said the more people in DDs life who love her and support her in different ways can only be a good thing, in fact it's a wonderful thing to have. The partner may be fun and good to go shopping with, but I bet it will be you she comes to for exam and career advice.

I think your plan to sell up the family home and move closer, or into the city (Paris I presume) and closer to your DC sounds like a good plan, but maybe wait until your DD is settled into ExH's home so she (and you) are not having to cope with too many changes at once - give yourselves time to adjust.

Finally, may I say your English is superb and I only wish my command of French was half as good. Good luck with everything.

I am not outraged. I agreed with a post, and as I said would have whether the Op was male or female. Why are you outraged at this?!

OP, sorry for your loss.

Your daughter is really lucky to have such a self-aware, loving mum, and so many adults around to support her. She'll be fine. And so you will you. It's OK to be sad, and it's OK (even good) for DD to kow that you are.

I would talk to DD first and explain clearly that you will support her even if it makes you sad, because you agree that this is what she needs now.

Then speak to Ex-DH on his own about the practicalities. Once these are outlined, then maybe include his new partner in a final discussion.

FWIW, moving closer to DD's school and to Ex-DH sounds very sensible.

No way I would do this. I would move to a 50/50 arrangement, and if your DH is around more could he be flexible to changing set days/weeks to suit your work travel.
Don’t choose your job over your child, it will not be worth it - find a more flexible routine.

OP, you sound like a great mum — really aware of both your daughter’s needs and your strengths and weaknesses. I know it will be hard but your ex and his new partner sound good too — and I promise you, you will always be your DD’s mum.