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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter wants to live with her father and stepmother

194 replies

parismorin · 04/09/2023 13:48

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I feel upset, so please be kind (even though I may be in the wrong). Also English is not my first language.

My ex-DH and I divorced two years ago. I instigated this as I realised I did not truly love him anymore. We have four children - DS 23, twins DDs 21, and our little one DD11.

Since then he has bought another flat where he is living with his new partner, a younger woman who does not have children but I understand had previously always wanted them.

Originally our daughter DD3 continued to live with me and my DM in the family house. This always worked because my DM would provide childcare and stability in addition to me & my ex-DH; I work long hours in a senior position with a lot of travel. However, my DM sadly died recently.

After a lot of discussion and tears, my DD admitted to her father she wanted to move out and live with them. It is true she does not have enough parental presence at home, I know that. Whereas my DH has regular hours, can WFH, and his new partner is freelance and not working so much. I know it makes sense. But I feel like my little girl is leaving me and I'm so sad.

For context, my DH is a different nationality to me (we live in my home city) and his new partner is the same nationality as him & doesn't speak my language, so I also worry my DD will be in a little bubble of their nationality, or is rejecting my background... I know that is irrational.

I feel somewhat jealous of the new partner - I don't want to be with my DH any more but she is a little over 10 years younger than him, very pretty, funny, kind. He is a very good man and devoted father, we just are not as compatible as we once were.
AIBU?

OP posts:
rwalker · 05/09/2023 06:52

Just work on quality time not quantity

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 07:26

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 05:46

Because I was wondering whether fact the marriage broke down because the OP was unfaithful… might have something to do with her daughter wanting to live with her dad ie blaming her mother

It's highly unlikely, but also completely irrelevant to the situation & question being asked.

Sarfar45 · 05/09/2023 09:10

Personally I would think how you might feel about this in 30 years time. In the long run kids will always be more important than a career.
Reduce your hours and be there for your daughter.
I know everyone say men prioritise careers over children, but that doesn't make it right.
In the long run I think you will regret it if you don't prioritise her.

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 09:44

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 07:26

It's highly unlikely, but also completely irrelevant to the situation & question being asked.

Show quote history

It is relevant

because If the op suspects this may be a factor in her daughters decision, then all the more important to address that and speak to her daughter and maybe therapy together before making any change to living arrangements

OriginalUsername2 · 05/09/2023 09:56

You can still be an amazing mum. You can have real quality time when you see her and relax knowing she is fully cared for while you’re at work.

The jealousy is natural, just you trying to protect your bond. It sounds like you get on nicely with them so this could work out to be a really great arrangement. Ultimately, the more people looking out for your child the better.

Maybe have a trial to see how it goes. And communicate your feelings to DD so you keep the bond.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 10:47

because If the op suspects this may be a factor in her daughters decision, then all the more important to address that and speak to her daughter and maybe therapy together before making any change to living arrangements

Oh stop reaching.

Given her DD is 12, I imagine she knows nothing about what happened.

Even if she does, I'm sure OP is perfectly able to identify a need for therapy, if warranted.

The specific situation here is her DD feeling lonely, after DGM death, and OP having a busy job so she's not around as much as DD would like - hence the possible move.

Just nothing you're saying is relevant.

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 11:13

Make yourself a coffee @EarringsandLipstick you have got yourself worked up in the heat

no judgement from me at all towards the op having an affair

just a perspective that it may be a factor in her daughter ‘a decision

but that seems to have quite worked up @EarringsandLipstick and I don’t want to do that!

Guiltridden12345 · 05/09/2023 11:25

I think you are awesome op. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such maturity and honesty in relation to a split. Your daughter is incredibly lucky to have two such committed parents and an interested step parent. Rather than shame in admitting your career is important (no one would bat an eyelid if a man said this) I think you are setting a great example to your daughter in terms of reversing gender stereotypes.

none of us is a perfect parent but knowing our own shortcomings is the key, which you are brutally honest with yourself about. I’m genuinely moved by your selflessness here. Massive respect. Your daughter is bound to thrive, whatever the arrangements, because she has such great parents who want what is best for her rather than themselves. Inspirational to be honest.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 12:21

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 11:13

Make yourself a coffee @EarringsandLipstick you have got yourself worked up in the heat

no judgement from me at all towards the op having an affair

just a perspective that it may be a factor in her daughter ‘a decision

but that seems to have quite worked up @EarringsandLipstick and I don’t want to do that!

Grow up.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/09/2023 12:36

Sarfar45 · 05/09/2023 09:10

Personally I would think how you might feel about this in 30 years time. In the long run kids will always be more important than a career.
Reduce your hours and be there for your daughter.
I know everyone say men prioritise careers over children, but that doesn't make it right.
In the long run I think you will regret it if you don't prioritise her.

*Reduce your hours and be there for your daughter.
I know everyone say men prioritise careers over children, but that doesn't make it right. *

Men can prioritise their careers over children when they have a partner with whom to share childcare. The OP does not, since her mum passed away. As a single parent, reducing hours may not be an option.

Honeypickle · 05/09/2023 12:48

Who currently owns the family home you are living in? In one post you said it was bought with your exDH’s family money and another it was your DM’s home that you and your DSIS are now considering selling?
Interested in which it is because your ex DH may want a share if he is going to be financially responsible for your DD.

Motnight · 05/09/2023 12:56

Rosscameasdoody · 04/09/2023 17:33

Not outraged at all. Puzzled as to why you would agree with such a misogynistic viewpoint though. Are you a man ?

Show quote history

I don't think that you understand the word misogynistic 😂

Sayitaintso33 · 05/09/2023 14:26

Rosscameasdoody · 04/09/2023 21:38

Why are you interrogating OP about things that aren’t relevant ? She’s been open and honest so why the attitude ?

Show quote history

I agree. The OP has been completely fair, frank & honest which is very rare on MN.

You'll make the right decision OP and if that decision is for your daughter to live with her father, that makes you a good and brave mother not a bad one. All the best.

greyhairnomore · 05/09/2023 14:47

You said it was your parent's family home ? Then you say your husband bought it with his family money ?

Does new girlfriend want a child living there ?

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 15:23

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 12:21

Grow up.

Show quote history

☕️

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 15:24

The op has been very honest and open and sounds like a very loving mother.

All I am doing is putting the possibility of a motivation behind her daughter wanting to move from her mother and sisters to live with her father - that the OP may want to address if it is the case 🤷‍♀️

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 15:31

greyhairnomore · 05/09/2023 14:47

You said it was your parent's family home ? Then you say your husband bought it with his family money ?

Does new girlfriend want a child living there ?

Yes I’m confused by

* Also, we wanted her to stay in the family home, where my DM lived (it was originally her home before she invited us to live with her, 20 years ago, when my DF died).*

but also

and he has been very generous in leaving me with the family home, although it was mainly bought with his family money.

Batatahara · 05/09/2023 15:36

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 15:31

Yes I’m confused by

* Also, we wanted her to stay in the family home, where my DM lived (it was originally her home before she invited us to live with her, 20 years ago, when my DF died).*

but also

and he has been very generous in leaving me with the family home, although it was mainly bought with his family money.

Show quote history

I think both can be true - I assumed:

Her parents lived there
Her father died
There was still a mortgage which her mum couldn't afford
So the DH bought the house with his family money and they moved in with the mother

Maltaw · 05/09/2023 15:39

Rather than it being a whole big final decision why don't you all trial run it and see how it goes. It might work out ok.

If you know your daughter is happy and if you continue to spend plenty of time with her you might find that it feels ok.

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 15:47

Batatahara · 05/09/2023 15:36

I think both can be true - I assumed:

Her parents lived there
Her father died
There was still a mortgage which her mum couldn't afford
So the DH bought the house with his family money and they moved in with the mother

Show quote history

In which case - not all the “very generous” of him given likely to have had a small mortgage if lived there two decades and the op would have inherited anyway!

Batatahara · 05/09/2023 15:50

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 15:47

In which case - not all the “very generous” of him given likely to have had a small mortgage if lived there two decades and the op would have inherited anyway!

Show quote history

I read it as the father died 20 years ago not that her parents lived there for 20 years but anyway we don't know anything about the size of the mortgage. Lots of small business owners for example have large mortgages on their home as a cheaper way of borrowing than business loans

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 16:02

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 15:24

The op has been very honest and open and sounds like a very loving mother.

All I am doing is putting the possibility of a motivation behind her daughter wanting to move from her mother and sisters to live with her father - that the OP may want to address if it is the case 🤷‍♀️

She is not interested in your madeup ideas of motivation.

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 16:03

It must be the heat!

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 16:05

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 16:02

She is not interested in your madeup ideas of motivation.

Show quote history

The op provided a detail (she had an affair. Fact)

I suggested that this may be a motivation to the daughter that the op is unaware of.

it has really got your goat!

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 16:12

it has really got your goat!

What's got my goat is you are interrogating OP about details of her marriage break up which are not relevant and she didn't disclose in her OP.

You are then trying to suggest it's the possible reason her DD wants to move - despite OP having clearly explained why DD wants to move, nothing to do with any affair.

Then you, thinking you are oh-so-funny post snippy replies when this is pointed out to you.