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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter wants to live with her father and stepmother

194 replies

parismorin · 04/09/2023 13:48

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I feel upset, so please be kind (even though I may be in the wrong). Also English is not my first language.

My ex-DH and I divorced two years ago. I instigated this as I realised I did not truly love him anymore. We have four children - DS 23, twins DDs 21, and our little one DD11.

Since then he has bought another flat where he is living with his new partner, a younger woman who does not have children but I understand had previously always wanted them.

Originally our daughter DD3 continued to live with me and my DM in the family house. This always worked because my DM would provide childcare and stability in addition to me & my ex-DH; I work long hours in a senior position with a lot of travel. However, my DM sadly died recently.

After a lot of discussion and tears, my DD admitted to her father she wanted to move out and live with them. It is true she does not have enough parental presence at home, I know that. Whereas my DH has regular hours, can WFH, and his new partner is freelance and not working so much. I know it makes sense. But I feel like my little girl is leaving me and I'm so sad.

For context, my DH is a different nationality to me (we live in my home city) and his new partner is the same nationality as him & doesn't speak my language, so I also worry my DD will be in a little bubble of their nationality, or is rejecting my background... I know that is irrational.

I feel somewhat jealous of the new partner - I don't want to be with my DH any more but she is a little over 10 years younger than him, very pretty, funny, kind. He is a very good man and devoted father, we just are not as compatible as we once were.
AIBU?

OP posts:
BlueShoeTwo · 04/09/2023 14:55

OP I really admire you for not staying in a marriage just because of your children. Your happiness is also important. You are also teaching your daughters a valuable lesson about not sacrificing their happiness. Too many posters come on Mumsnet talking about how they are utterly miserable in marriages but have to stay because of money or they couldn’t not see their kids everydayx

If you were a man, and your ex was a woman no one would be batting an eyelid about your DD going to live with your ex. It would presumed woman’s primary care giver. You’d be told that having a good career would ultimately be good for everyone as you could support your children. You’d be encouraged to ensure regular contact and not to be a “Disney Dad”.

It’s ok to be sad. It does not mean you have to do something different. Lots of decisions in life are hard, but are for the best.

Your lives were set up with your ex as primary care-giver. It makes sense that your DD lives with them. Work out now a regular schedule of when you are going to see her. Does she have a phone so she can call/whasatpp you?

BMW6 · 04/09/2023 14:55

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 14:47

There is no English stiff upper lip when it comes to admitting you don’t want to prioritise your child 🙄 it’s not something the vast majority of British people agree with. We put our children first, before our own lives and careers. We love our kids more than ourselves.

What a huge steaming pile of absolute bullshit!!!

Take no notice of this pompous arse OP.

You have your daughters best interests at heart, and that is true loving parenting.

Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 14:55

minipie · 04/09/2023 14:47

It sounds like your ex has played the primary parent role while you were together - being at home more and helping with homework etc (with help from your DM). Given this, it’s not really surprising that your DD will live with him rather than you. It’s only surprising it’s taken so long really.

Did you not expect this when you chose to split with him?

As a pp said, it’s ok to be sad about this whilst also recognising it is best for your DD.

@minipie yes, this is true.

Perhaps it was because of traditional gender roles that we decided she would stay with me. Maybe we were shaped by this sensibility to an extent. Also, we wanted her to stay in the family home, where my DM lived (it was originally her home before she invited us to live with her, 20 years ago, when my DF died). And it would have been strange for my ex-DH to live with his ex-MIL.

I should have been more clear and rational from the start, perhaps.

Now it seems so obvious she should stay with him, he is is living with a nice woman in a nice apartment, but before I think it seemed less natural for a pre-teen girl to live with her father in his late 40s.

As for the British stiff upper lip, I was slightly joking, but I mean I tend to get more emotional or upset while he is more reserved; when we have a serious conversation about her living arrangements, I think I will have to be careful to stay cool and calm. His new partner is gentle and kind, I suppose our daughter has a more English sensibility also (despite not living in England).

OP posts:
Titicacacandle · 04/09/2023 14:55

OP I think you are being a lovely mother by putting your dds needs first and not stopping her living where she wants to atm. It might change again in a few years and she might want to come back.

Also, there is nothing wrong with meeting your needs through your career. Men/fathers do it all the time. You are not doing anything wrong in my eyes.

If you made this into a power struggle of wanting to be the primary parent whilst also not adapting to being a fully single parent without your mothers input then I'd be a bit more judgy. You're putting your dds needs first and being very self aware around how this is making you and your dd feel.

Batatahara · 04/09/2023 14:57

It sounds like the best thing for your DD.

But don't run away with this "oh, step mum is just better than me, she will love her more" business, it almost feels like you're using that as an excuse to withdraw from her?

You will always be her mum, she will always love you very much. Non resident parents can be great parents, be the best non resident parent you can be. Try and get your work out of the way when she is with her dad and really focus on her when she is with you

Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 15:02

Batatahara · 04/09/2023 14:57

It sounds like the best thing for your DD.

But don't run away with this "oh, step mum is just better than me, she will love her more" business, it almost feels like you're using that as an excuse to withdraw from her?

You will always be her mum, she will always love you very much. Non resident parents can be great parents, be the best non resident parent you can be. Try and get your work out of the way when she is with her dad and really focus on her when she is with you

@Batatahara thank you - I think I have been unfairly cross with this new partner in real life so I am trying to be extremely fair on here!

I am very grateful for all your sensitive suggestions and thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 15:07

BlueShoeTwo · 04/09/2023 14:55

OP I really admire you for not staying in a marriage just because of your children. Your happiness is also important. You are also teaching your daughters a valuable lesson about not sacrificing their happiness. Too many posters come on Mumsnet talking about how they are utterly miserable in marriages but have to stay because of money or they couldn’t not see their kids everydayx

If you were a man, and your ex was a woman no one would be batting an eyelid about your DD going to live with your ex. It would presumed woman’s primary care giver. You’d be told that having a good career would ultimately be good for everyone as you could support your children. You’d be encouraged to ensure regular contact and not to be a “Disney Dad”.

It’s ok to be sad. It does not mean you have to do something different. Lots of decisions in life are hard, but are for the best.

Your lives were set up with your ex as primary care-giver. It makes sense that your DD lives with them. Work out now a regular schedule of when you are going to see her. Does she have a phone so she can call/whasatpp you?

@BlueShoeTwo , thank you.
My older (twin) daughters have been very sympathetic and understanding. But they are adults at university so can see the full picture more. We are very close, we talk a lot about balancing motherhood with professional ambition, they are interested in feminist issues, and they care very much for their little sister, who was a lovely surprise when I was in my mid-30s and ex-DH 40. I am lucky in a way to have divorced a good man.

She has a phone now yes.

OP posts:
Dustybarn · 04/09/2023 15:11

With regard to raising this, could your DD3 stay at home with one of her sisters babysitting and you arrange to go over to your ex-DH’s apartment after work and discuss it with both of them, as it will affect them equally. Forget the emotion and the discomfort- prepare what you are planning to say as if it was a work presentation. You must have an agenda in your head for the meeting so you don’t get tongue tied. Put the suggestion out there, discuss the practicalities and then ask them to consider and let you know in a week or two.

Motnight · 04/09/2023 15:14

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 14:27

Your career is important to you but giving your DD a stable home environment isn’t? Fuck me she should definitely go live with her father.

This. And I would say the same of a man were posting.

LadybirdOnALog · 04/09/2023 15:17

@parismorin you actually sounds very level headed and a great mum. If the sexes were reversed people wouldn’t think twice and would think it was normal. It is refreshing to hear that you like and respect the step mum. I think your daughter living with your ex will improve your relationship with her as you can give her the best of you and quality time, and not feel bogged down by the mundane, you can be Disney mum and she’ll know she can come back at any time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2023 15:25

Your children can never have too many people love them. It sounds as if right now your 11 yo would be better spending a fair chunk of her time with people, who have the spare time to give her the support she needs.

You can always give your dd the love. She has a phone I imagine, I would set up little daily rituals of texts, photos etc. I know she’s too young for Snapchat but my dd “snaps” her friends daily by sending a picture of herself (usually just her face) and feels very connected with her friends. You will have holidays and weekends to spend time together.

As for who to contact, it depends on how well you know his new gf. I think in terms of negotiating living arrangements, it would be your ex so that he can then discuss it with his gf.

My dd’s friends have a lovely stepmum (also younger) and she has brought a completely different dynamic to their lives in a positive way and they still spend time with their mum - 50/50 so this is maybe something to also consider… or say 3 nights a week with you if you are able to flex work / condense your hours / work some weekends and finish early the evenings she comes to yours.

Anothershitusername · 04/09/2023 15:30

Will u be able to keep the house if she is not living there
maybe it would be better for your husband and partner to live in the family home with your daughter,so she doesn’t have to move houses

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 15:32

How far apart do you live?

How often does your ex currently have your dd?

Sallyh87 · 04/09/2023 15:32

I think the answer is that you do whatever is best for her. If she wants to live with them and it’s a good environment then that’s the answer.

Then secondly look at what would make you happier with it. Maybe you have every second weekend and also time a couple of times a week so you can have dinner together, extended holidays together etc etc.

This must be very painful so I’m sorry you are going through it. Generally, stuff like this has a solution though c

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 15:37

All things being equal - would your dd prefer to live with your or your ex?

if the former, I’d adjust hours / change jobs / do something to mean she stays

MeridianB · 04/09/2023 15:39

You sounds very self-aware, OP, and I am sorry for your loss.

Your DD may just be really lonely in addition to losing her granny. It makes sense that she wants company and support. Could you agree for a trial period, with her spending every/most weekends with you?

Original poster
parismorin · 04/09/2023 15:42

Thank you again for all your thoughts and suggestions.

@Dustybarn your advice has really helped - I can do a work presentation very well , I think having some clear points would help and that I do need to talk about it directly with his new partner as well as ex-DH.

@Mummyoflittledragon It's nice to hear about your DD's friends, thank you. I'm not very tech literate (apart from work) but that is a nice idea to try.

@Strawberryboost currently my ex-DH has her every other weekend and maybe once midweek...she also might come to their flat for tea after school as it is closer (her primary school was by our family home but the secondary school is closer into the city centre).

The distance is about 30 mins by commuter train, not far at all really.

I suppose another question I am thinking of is selling the family home, following my DM's death. It was a good solution for our growing family, but now it would be easier for all of us to live closer into the city. Then I would be quite close on the metro. Also, her older siblings, are all around.

This thread has been extremely helpful, I feel much more positive now.
I have realised she has a whole network of support and family relationships, of which I am a part.

OP posts:
Anxioys · 04/09/2023 15:42

I've been in your position. I put my children first and took a different job. It was hard but worth it. You don't get the time back.

Itsfridaynightok · 04/09/2023 15:42

Could you not do 50/50 ?

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 15:45

@BMW6 really, so you know large swathes of parents putting themselves and their careers and lives before their children? Because I don’t. Everyone with kids I know in real life and read about online are regularly putting their children’s needs first because that’s what you do as a parent. I also agreed with the OP that her DD should move in with her father and she was making the right choice. But we as a country do put our children first and it’s massively insulting and degrading to sit there and pretend being British means not giving a crap about your child.

Mindymomo · 04/09/2023 15:45

Maybe start by increasing days at ex DH or trying 50/50 to see if it works out for everyone.

LardoBurrows · 04/09/2023 15:47

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Cowlover89 · 04/09/2023 15:47

You sound like a wonderful mam. Ignore the shitty comments. Sorry for your loss x

MaryJanesonabreak · 04/09/2023 15:48

I cannot begin to imagine how hard this decision is for you and I am full of admiration at your measured thinking.
I would arrange to meet my ex in a neutral place like a nice coffee shop and have a chat. You say he is a kind man and not given to loud emotions, so it should be a difficult for you but not impossible conversation. He can then go home and talk it over with his partner. Maybe after that the three of you can get together to decide a schedule that fits in with all commitments from the adults and the child.
I think your daughter will be very happy that the adults in her life are listening to her and loving her and doing their best for her.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 15:48

@LardoBurrows again, if you know large amounts of people torturing and murdering their children then report them to the police ffs. Don’t sit there and shit on every good parent there is, because there’s at least 10 for every 1 that doesn’t give a shit about their kid and that goes for the world over. So FOTTFSOF yourself dear.