Page 6 | My daughter wants to live with her father and stepmother

parismorin · 2023-09-04T12:48:23+00:00

Hello, This is my first time posting and I feel upset, so please be kind (even though I may be in the wrong). Also English is not my first language. My ex-DH and I divorced two years ago. I instigated this as I realised I did not truly love him anymore. We have four children - DS 23, twins DDs 21, and our little one DD11. Since then he has bought another flat where he is living with his new partner, a younger woman who does not have children but I understand had previously always wanted them. Originally our daughter DD3 continued to live with me and my DM in the family house. This always worked because my DM would provide childcare and stability in addition to me & my ex-DH; I work long hours in a senior position with a lot of travel. However, my DM sadly died recently. After a lot of discussion and tears, my DD admitted to her father she wanted to move out and live with them. It is true she does not have enough parental presence at home, I know that. Whereas my DH has regular hours, can WFH, and his new partner is freelance and not working so much. I know it makes sense. But I feel like my little girl is leaving me and I'm so sad. For context, my DH is a different nationality to me (we live in my home city) and his new partner is the same nationality as him & doesn't speak my language, so I also worry my DD will be in a little bubble of their nationality, or is rejecting my background... I know that is irrational. I feel somewhat jealous of the new partner - I don't want to be with my DH any more but she is a little over 10 years younger than him, very pretty, funny, kind. He is a very good man and devoted father, we just are not as compatible as we once were. AIBU?

Catpuss66 · 04/09/2023 19:08

BMW6 · 04/09/2023 14:55

What a huge steaming pile of absolute bullshit!!!

Take no notice of this pompous arse OP.

You have your daughters best interests at heart, and that is true loving parenting.

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I agree, going to comment but you beat me to it. I had an ambitious mother who worked very hard to make a success of not only herself but the family. I found it easier to go to boarding school rather than stay at home with knackered preoccupied parents. We all got what we needed for a time anyway, I got space they got time they needed to spend on the business. She is now nearly 80 & said recently I wouldn’t have been happy in a small house, I said I didn’t know any difference & had a very happy childhood, not sure they (parents were both working 2 jobs) were as happy though. All I can say is the time you do have together make it special doesn’t have to cost money, just means giving your time & attention. Learn to bake together, do things that push you out of your comfort zone but do them together. Wish you well you sound a lovely mother that wants the best for her daughter.

Original poster

parismorin · 04/09/2023 19:37

Nosleepforthismum · 04/09/2023 18:38

Please don’t be concerned OP. I was a little older than your daughter when I moved in with my dad and my (now step mum) but I still saw my mum regularly and as I got into being an older teen I was able to pick and choose which house to stay at (based entirely on what parties were happening that weekend if I’m being honest!). I’m in my thirties now with my own family and I’m just as close to my mum as my dad. I also love my step mum, she’s fabulous but she’s not my mum and there was never any confusion in that respect.

You sound like a great mum who’s putting her daughter first. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to step back from your hard earned career when your daughter has another loving parent who can provide the stability she needs. It’s actually so refreshing to read about a divorced couple who are not battling with each other and are actually putting their child first. It’s quite rare on mumsnet!

Thank you ,it's very nice to hear about your experience.
I was lucky to be with my ex for a long time and we didn't have hugely significant issues, but we argued and we are happier now. Our children feel we are more at ease.

OP posts:

Binningtonianrose · 04/09/2023 19:42

My daughter just moved in with my ex husband. He has more money and his new wife is lovely.
I have felt full of grief about it for weeks and weeks, but am absolutely determined that she will only see positivity and warmth from me.. It's a tough thing to go through. Good luck x

Original poster

parismorin · 04/09/2023 19:42

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 18:30

You know a lot about the fertility issues and plans of this woman op

She's been very open about everything, because she wanted to be 'upfront' with my ex-DH. He has also wanted to be clear with me, partly because of the childcare arrangements etc. Also, initially she didn't know very many people here so a friend of mine helped in the early days with finding a doctor ... I don't know everything.

OP posts:

AnotherDayOfSun · 04/09/2023 19:42

Haven't read the full thread, but am wondering if you are being rather defeatist with the whole "I am not maternal enough" thing? And a bit too complimentary of your ex DH's new partner, who you don't seem to know very well, other than her being nice and young and "stylish." Her being nice, and being in a full-time stepmother role are two different things. She may very well be wonderful, of course, but it just sounds like you are trying to convince yourself.

Either way, I hope whatever happens is truly and genuinely the best for your daughter. And I hope your daughter understands that it is out of love for her, and because you care about what's good for her, not because you don't have time, etc.

Original poster

parismorin · 04/09/2023 19:43

Binningtonianrose · 04/09/2023 19:42

My daughter just moved in with my ex husband. He has more money and his new wife is lovely.
I have felt full of grief about it for weeks and weeks, but am absolutely determined that she will only see positivity and warmth from me.. It's a tough thing to go through. Good luck x

Thank you @Binningtonianrose that is good to here. How did you discuss it with your daughter?

OP posts:

Original poster

parismorin · 04/09/2023 19:44

Catpuss66 · 04/09/2023 19:08

I agree, going to comment but you beat me to it. I had an ambitious mother who worked very hard to make a success of not only herself but the family. I found it easier to go to boarding school rather than stay at home with knackered preoccupied parents. We all got what we needed for a time anyway, I got space they got time they needed to spend on the business. She is now nearly 80 & said recently I wouldn’t have been happy in a small house, I said I didn’t know any difference & had a very happy childhood, not sure they (parents were both working 2 jobs) were as happy though. All I can say is the time you do have together make it special doesn’t have to cost money, just means giving your time & attention. Learn to bake together, do things that push you out of your comfort zone but do them together. Wish you well you sound a lovely mother that wants the best for her daughter.

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Thank you @Catpuss66 that is very good to here.

OP posts:

Whyohwhywyoming · 04/09/2023 19:46

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 14:47

There is no English stiff upper lip when it comes to admitting you don’t want to prioritise your child 🙄 it’s not something the vast majority of British people agree with. We put our children first, before our own lives and careers. We love our kids more than ourselves.

you are only saying this to op because she is a woman.

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 19:47

How long have they been together?

Original poster

parismorin · 04/09/2023 19:52

AnotherDayOfSun · 04/09/2023 19:42

Haven't read the full thread, but am wondering if you are being rather defeatist with the whole "I am not maternal enough" thing? And a bit too complimentary of your ex DH's new partner, who you don't seem to know very well, other than her being nice and young and "stylish." Her being nice, and being in a full-time stepmother role are two different things. She may very well be wonderful, of course, but it just sounds like you are trying to convince yourself.

Either way, I hope whatever happens is truly and genuinely the best for your daughter. And I hope your daughter understands that it is out of love for her, and because you care about what's good for her, not because you don't have time, etc.

@AnotherDayOfSun , these are things I'm thinking about quite a lot.
I've always felt very confident in myself and I still do. But seeing my ex-husband with a woman who has qualities I do not has shaken me a bit.
I didn't think I would feel unsettled by her being younger, more attractive etc, but I do somewhat. (that is superficial I know but I imagine other women would have such an experience).

I feel I know her quite well, she is friendly, initially we met several times socially through my ex-DH's work and our friends. Of course, nobody is perfect. But if it were not for our situation, we might even be friends.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 04/09/2023 19:53

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 04/09/2023 14:47

There is no English stiff upper lip when it comes to admitting you don’t want to prioritise your child 🙄 it’s not something the vast majority of British people agree with. We put our children first, before our own lives and careers. We love our kids more than ourselves.

Would you say that to a man?

And the OP clearly wants the best for her children

Original poster

parismorin · 04/09/2023 20:00

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 19:47

How long have they been together?

Two 1/2 years. They knew each other for about a year before that, before I asked for a divorce. Yes, it was relatively quick but it was clear they are compatible. There was not an affair but they worked together quite closely for a time.

OP posts:

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 20:05

You’ve been divorced 2 years
and they’ve been together 2.5 years

are you sure that your ex wasn’t having an affair with her? Given you always sensed a connection between the two?

Original poster

parismorin · 04/09/2023 20:09

Sorry, I mixed myself up earlier but checked again for accuracy.

Actually, I had a short 'fling' with a colleague which led in part to us separating

My ex-DH is very 'proper', he was upset by this and would not have repeated it.

When we separated (before divorcing), he started seeing her as friends but it was clear there was a connection.

I had been slightly unfaithful, I had asked for the divorce, it was fine for him to start seeing someone else.

OP posts:

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 20:16

slightly unfaithful

that’s a new one!

Sallyh87 · 04/09/2023 20:35

@parismorin, you sound very nice and mature. Your kids are vert lucky. It will all work out. Xx

Rosscameasdoody · 04/09/2023 21:38

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 20:16

slightly unfaithful

that’s a new one!

Why are you interrogating OP about things that aren’t relevant ? She’s been open and honest so why the attitude ?

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/09/2023 21:44

You and your daughter are still grieving, your mother died recently. Give yourselves some time and talk about this in 6 months time. Do not rush while you are still trying to get over her death.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 05:42

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/09/2023 21:44

You and your daughter are still grieving, your mother died recently. Give yourselves some time and talk about this in 6 months time. Do not rush while you are still trying to get over her death.

I agree with this too

The more I read your posts OP, the more I think you need to proceed slowly

Also, please stop comparing yourself so negatively to your ex's DP. She definitely has no special parenting skills, regardless of how lovely you think she is. Certainly not better than you, the actual mum!

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 05:46

Because I was wondering whether fact the marriage broke down because the OP was unfaithful… might have something to do with her daughter wanting to live with her dad ie blaming her mother

junbean · 05/09/2023 05:53

I don’t think you need to worry too much. It’s natural to have those feelings though. It’s not unreasonable. But it’s not healthy for you to harbor jealousy or worry about things that haven’t happened and most likely won’t. Will you see her often? Maybe as much as you usually see her anyway? Can you take a different position to be home more? Most likely her moving in with dad will be good for her. Try to think about all the good things that will happen. I think it’s best to sit down with the stepmother and tell her what you expect and things you are worried about. Most likely she already has an idea of how she’s going to make your daughter feel welcome, fun things they can do, etc. You do need to have good communication with her moving forward anyway. I think that would resolve your issues quickly.

junbean · 05/09/2023 05:57

parismorin · 04/09/2023 20:09

Sorry, I mixed myself up earlier but checked again for accuracy.

Actually, I had a short 'fling' with a colleague which led in part to us separating

My ex-DH is very 'proper', he was upset by this and would not have repeated it.

When we separated (before divorcing), he started seeing her as friends but it was clear there was a connection.

I had been slightly unfaithful, I had asked for the divorce, it was fine for him to start seeing someone else.

This has absolutely no bearing on the current situation. Don’t let people shame you. You are asking about your daughter, not judgment on how your past relationship ended. That’s water under the bridge.

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 06:33

No judgement nor shame whatsoever

but open your mind to the fact that there is a possibility this child may be feeling anger towards her mother
and if that is the case - then the op may want to consider therapy because other the dd moving with her father is hot going to address that

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 06:33

But on mumsnet - there doesn’t seem to be any room for nuance or detail.

jeaux90 · 05/09/2023 06:45

OP look I'm a lone parent with a senior position/career.

I have had a live in nanny for 10 years and now my Dd14 flexi boards two nights a week so I can travel for work or more if I'm in the US.

We have to be pragmatic.

Our jobs as parents is to give our kids loving homes yes whatever that's looks like, but the main job is to bring up well adjusted adults.

You sound like a good mum reading your posts, your elder DCs sound well adjusted.

You'll make the right decision for you, your DD and the rest of the family.

Don't be too hard on yourself here, women are fucked over and judged whatever decision we make.

Maybe you having her at the weekends is the right compromise at this point...if people judge you deploy the French "le shrug"