My daughter wants to live with her father and stepmother

[parismorin]

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I feel upset, so please be kind (even though I may be in the wrong). Also English is not my first language.

My ex-DH and I divorced two years ago. I instigated this as I realised I did not truly love him anymore. We have four children - DS 23, twins DDs 21, and our little one DD11.

Since then he has bought another flat where he is living with his new partner, a younger woman who does not have children but I understand had previously always wanted them.

Originally our daughter DD3 continued to live with me and my DM in the family house. This always worked because my DM would provide childcare and stability in addition to me & my ex-DH; I work long hours in a senior position with a lot of travel. However, my DM sadly died recently.

After a lot of discussion and tears, my DD admitted to her father she wanted to move out and live with them. It is true she does not have enough parental presence at home, I know that. Whereas my DH has regular hours, can WFH, and his new partner is freelance and not working so much. I know it makes sense. But I feel like my little girl is leaving me and I'm so sad.

For context, my DH is a different nationality to me (we live in my home city) and his new partner is the same nationality as him & doesn't speak my language, so I also worry my DD will be in a little bubble of their nationality, or is rejecting my background... I know that is irrational.

I feel somewhat jealous of the new partner - I don't want to be with my DH any more but she is a little over 10 years younger than him, very pretty, funny, kind. He is a very good man and devoted father, we just are not as compatible as we once were.
AIBU?

Add racist, xenophobic, misogynistic and smug, and you’ve summed it up nicely !!

Your career is important to you but giving your DD a stable home environment isn’t? Fuck me she should definitely go live with her father

jesus wept. Kick a woman whilst she’s down, why don’t you? Unfortunately, providing a stable home environment when you are a single parent often means having to make sure work is a priority.

We put our children first, before our own lives and careers. We love our kids more than ourselves

wtf? Loving our children is not the sole domain of British people. Every nationality out there loves it’s children and wants what is best for them. Lucky you that you’ve never had to face such a challenging situation and work out what is best.

OP, do ignore the idiots. I am sorry you are going through this. No easy answers for any of you.

This is something to consider. If your DD lives quite your ex for a period of time, he would be primary carer and could try for sole custody if he decides to return to the UK. DD is only 11 so quite some time before she’s an adult. Not sure of the legalities of that and I presume DD is a citizen of your home country? Does she have dual citizenship which might complicate matters. Would he have to have your permission to move into a different area even within your country?

Something to consider the legalities of with professional legal advice before making any decision.

If that’s not an issue, I would let her go in the knowledge she can change her mind at any time. Obviously ensuring there is properly scheduled time with you. She may well flip back and forth through her teenage years. Also a good idea to move closer to him, so you’re both close by?

The fear that you may be usurped by the new partner is a valid one and totally understandable but you can’t let that dictate your decision on your DD’s wellbeing as you say yourself, you’re not around much. She may well not like the new partner when they’re living together day in day out! Or the relationship may break down later down the line. Nothing is set in stone. Just continue being a great mum to her. She’ll benefit from both of you in her life if the new partner is as nice as you say she is.

Sorry you lost me when you said your career is important to you. It sounds like it’s more important than your daughter which is sad.

Actually, the partner is from another country in the U.K.

He made it clear to her he would have to stay in Paris for his children, and although it's a new city for her she has committed to this.

Actually, I'm the one who has to travel to different places around the world and have been offered jobs in various Francophone / Anglo countries - he is more stable

I do feel confident he will stay in Paris - he has some friends who he takes the Eurostar to see, but his parents died a few years ago, and he wants to be close to his children, and he likes his job here. I don't think it would be in his character to just take her!

She’s a single mother - how else is she going to support herself and her daughter ? And as has been said numerous times, men prioritise their careers as the norm. Why is it so wrong for a woman to do the same ? And given that the OP is doing her best to ensure her DD has what she needs, why is it sad ?

I mean, he and his partner don't have a natural 'base' to return to in the U.K because they are from different countries.

Pompous crap, what a pretentious statement to make to a mother who’s clearly trying to do the best for her child.

Ha, yes, I have made that point. It was something of a cliché at the start.

Divorced man with younger woman. But I was the one who instigated the divorce. And they the relationship was accelerated somewhat (his words) by her visa situation. But they seem very happy and well suited.

OP, you sound both very self aware and like you are putting your daughter first. I’ve not been in your position, but sympathise. This thread is descending into a bit of a bunfight, so don’t get distracted by that.

I think you could suggest a 6 month trial period, but make sure you set your contact time with your daughter and stick to it. Review after the trial so everyone is aware the arrangement isn’t set in stone and you can adjust things if needed.

Thank you, that is what I am planning to do now.

And I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mum. Your head must be all over the place.

OP, I agree with PP that you sound very self-aware, generous about your ex and his new partner, and focused on what's best for your DD, which is lovely.

However, I would be a bit cautious of being so praiseworthy of your exH DP, while denigrating yourself.

I would also be really careful about making significant changes to access and living arrangements.

I agree, your DD spending more time at your exH's house might be practical and helpful to her at the moment. But like a PP said, I would set this as a trial period, with a clearly defined review date.

I would also do my utmost to facilitate shared access - as close to 50:50 as is practicable. At the moment, he sees her every 2nd weekend with a midweek contact at times - are you sure she (and they) are ready for a more like full-time arrangement?

Also, she is at such a crucial point in terms of needing her mum.

For me, I would do what I could to be more available for her, if that is at all possible with work (and I know it's challenging).

Secondly, I would make a plan to as you suggest, sell your current home to be closer to exH.

Thirdly, I'd work through as many scenarios as possible and discuss these with your DD and exH / his DP, don't rush to 'DD will move to live with exH' as the only option.

I admit, I am a bit biased in this matter as I'm also a single parent and my DC have only ever lived me with, had limited and now no, contact with their father, due to his treatment of them. I couldn't imagine them spending the majority of the time away from me.

Just be careful about your plans, particularly in this time of bereavement (I'm sorry for your loss).

She’s younger than him
She wants children

any promises she makes before having children re where she is happy to live and raise them should be regarded as very tentative only

Thank you both. A few posters have said I am being very generous to my ex-husband and hard on myself. That is funny because in real life I really can be very unfair, judgemental, demanding, etc., and on here I am trying to be more reflective.

Believe me, I could complain about my ex-DH here! but if the new partner wants a slightly grumpy, reserved, paunchy Tory who is otherwise a very nice man, she is welcome to him ... ;)

Yes. This would bother me and I would be thinking carefully about the next five years. It will all change and probably not in this child's favour.

This is also something I have been thinking about, but I really don't believe she is going to pursue this anymore ... without disclosing what I know about her situation [she and my ex-DH has shared what is necessary for me to know], there would have to be some medical intervention, she is late 30s, he is 50, he definitely does not want more children, she has had some losses.

I faced it and my ex had made this woman pregnant in a year. It did not work out, and I now have to keep this woman at arm's length out of a reasonable and real concern that her need to be a mother overwhelms her judgment. If I was not careful she would claim my children as her own.

Emotionally it is a minefield because you do not know if things will last, what is the motivation of former partners etc

Take it slow, incrementally, and test. Do not make radical changes.

@Anxioys , thank you for sharing your experience and I am sorry you were in that situation.

I admit it is something that had worried me and I told my ex-DH this.

He was also concerned that he would not be a good match for her, because of being older and not wanting children. He has been clear with her that it is not right for him to have more children at his age and stage in life, that he wants to focus on our four DC (and four is already quite a lot!). He was quite uncertain when I was pregnant with DD3, our fourth child, when he was already 40, but is very devoted to her.

The new partner is late 30s, she said she was tired of pursuing the fertility treatments etc. and that the situation is already complicated enough without more children in the mix.

I don't feel she is going to 'claim' my children as her own rationally, although there was some irrational fear. And my older children are adults.

Have you sought French legal advice? Per my understanding of French culture the arrangement seems abnormal - 50/50 is the most common arrangement there. I think before you send her to the new gf who has never raised a child before, you should try 50/50 first.

Yes a different situation perhaps. What I noticed was extreme attention on the children in a very over the top way, after several losses. Just something I had to watch, along with boundary crossing behaviour (mostly well intentioned but still)...

Your ex sounds stable also. Mine is not.

You know a lot about the fertility issues and plans of this woman op

Please don’t be concerned OP. I was a little older than your daughter when I moved in with my dad and my (now step mum) but I still saw my mum regularly and as I got into being an older teen I was able to pick and choose which house to stay at (based entirely on what parties were happening that weekend if I’m being honest!). I’m in my thirties now with my own family and I’m just as close to my mum as my dad. I also love my step mum, she’s fabulous but she’s not my mum and there was never any confusion in that respect.

You sound like a great mum who’s putting her daughter first. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to step back from your hard earned career when your daughter has another loving parent who can provide the stability she needs. It’s actually so refreshing to read about a divorced couple who are not battling with each other and are actually putting their child first. It’s quite rare on mumsnet!

That is funny because in real life I really can be very unfair, judgemental, demanding, etc.,

In my experience, people who say they are like this or ascribe negative aspects to themselves, usually aren't!

I know I've been very harsh about myself, in fact, largely inaccurately.

Only you can know yourself, DD, your ex & the situation.

But in order to protect yourself, please think about careful gradual change, so that you can make other changes if needed. Not committing to a huge change in how your DD is cared for, at such a young age. 💐