My daughter wants to live with her father and stepmother

[parismorin]

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I feel upset, so please be kind (even though I may be in the wrong). Also English is not my first language.

My ex-DH and I divorced two years ago. I instigated this as I realised I did not truly love him anymore. We have four children - DS 23, twins DDs 21, and our little one DD11.

Since then he has bought another flat where he is living with his new partner, a younger woman who does not have children but I understand had previously always wanted them.

Originally our daughter DD3 continued to live with me and my DM in the family house. This always worked because my DM would provide childcare and stability in addition to me & my ex-DH; I work long hours in a senior position with a lot of travel. However, my DM sadly died recently.

After a lot of discussion and tears, my DD admitted to her father she wanted to move out and live with them. It is true she does not have enough parental presence at home, I know that. Whereas my DH has regular hours, can WFH, and his new partner is freelance and not working so much. I know it makes sense. But I feel like my little girl is leaving me and I'm so sad.

For context, my DH is a different nationality to me (we live in my home city) and his new partner is the same nationality as him & doesn't speak my language, so I also worry my DD will be in a little bubble of their nationality, or is rejecting my background... I know that is irrational.

I feel somewhat jealous of the new partner - I don't want to be with my DH any more but she is a little over 10 years younger than him, very pretty, funny, kind. He is a very good man and devoted father, we just are not as compatible as we once were.
AIBU?

If her young daughter has got this in her mind that her father has been wronged - then now is the time for the op and her daughter to talk, chat, discuss rather than jump to moving

that is all I was saying. Good grief!!

Yes, that's correct. He also bought a smaller place.

As for the comment about an affair... I do not feel it is relevant although I did mention it to clarify another point. It was more like a friendship after which he made a 'move' on me. My children would not know about that. Also, I Don't want to encourage cultural stereotypes but it was seen as less important by my Parisian friends...

I do feel it was quite generous and in that way significant, he helped my mother to keep her home

Ok well then ignore all I’ve said about possible motivation for your DD!

It was both your money when you were married. So you were both “generous”. To your mother. Not you

Thank you for allowing me to post freely.
It has been very helpful because many of my friends and relatives in real life have similar mentality to me.

I have spoken with my daughter using your advise and also with my ex-DH briefly

The plan is for her to move into their flat and we have talked through childcare arrangements.

I feel more relief and that there is less pressure on me to do everything when this is impossible for me at the moment.

It was a good conversation and we felt very close

His partner is a little nervous in case it is like a trial to be a step- parent, but my ex-DH says he will reassure her.

Good outcome. It doesn't sound like this new marriage is going to last so prepare for her wanting to move back in a year or two. Is there anything you could do in that time to change your position and be more stable for her? A role without so much travel?

Thank goodness.

This is a lucky cherished girl op

all the best with the future

@parismorin

I'm glad you're happy & DD is too.

Just make sure you're definitely happy with the arrangements & have plenty of chances to discuss & review. Best of luck!

Thank you everyone.

@ItsNotRocketSalad why do you say that? I am interested to hear what you think as an outsider's perspective

You have had so much loss first your marriage, then your mother, but you are not loosing your daughter. You get to be fun Mum now whilst they have all the day to day things to look after. You will be better able to offer her quality time so try and see the positives in this but also you will be sad. Coming home to a empty house is not easy. You will though be able to concentrate on your happiness which will be a good thing. It is a new phase in your life. I think after raising a family even whilst having career this could be very good for you and your relationship with your daughter.

I thought the vast majority of British people are too busy vaping and taking drugs.

yabu because you are not focusing on what’s best for your daughter. You are prioritising your career over her needs. It’s tough to be a single parent but you need to evaluate what you want and consider changes to your lifestyle to keep her. if you can’t make those sacrifices let her other parent take care of her.

Your poor daughter - I'm not surprised she wants to live with her dad and his partner rather than a mother who will not make the smallest change to her all important career. This is your CHILD.

As Ive mentioned before OP, I am suprised you are making decisions while you are both grieving.

Sounds like a good result! Well done @parismorin 😄

Would it help to just think of this move as being logistically easier for the 11 year old. It must be hard for her having lots of different people coming to look after her. This move would make things simpler and you'd still get the quality time with her. It's not long before she won't need such hands on supervision at home so there's the potential to change things later.