My daughter wants to live with her father and stepmother

[parismorin]

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I feel upset, so please be kind (even though I may be in the wrong). Also English is not my first language.

My ex-DH and I divorced two years ago. I instigated this as I realised I did not truly love him anymore. We have four children - DS 23, twins DDs 21, and our little one DD11.

Since then he has bought another flat where he is living with his new partner, a younger woman who does not have children but I understand had previously always wanted them.

Originally our daughter DD3 continued to live with me and my DM in the family house. This always worked because my DM would provide childcare and stability in addition to me & my ex-DH; I work long hours in a senior position with a lot of travel. However, my DM sadly died recently.

After a lot of discussion and tears, my DD admitted to her father she wanted to move out and live with them. It is true she does not have enough parental presence at home, I know that. Whereas my DH has regular hours, can WFH, and his new partner is freelance and not working so much. I know it makes sense. But I feel like my little girl is leaving me and I'm so sad.

For context, my DH is a different nationality to me (we live in my home city) and his new partner is the same nationality as him & doesn't speak my language, so I also worry my DD will be in a little bubble of their nationality, or is rejecting my background... I know that is irrational.

I feel somewhat jealous of the new partner - I don't want to be with my DH any more but she is a little over 10 years younger than him, very pretty, funny, kind. He is a very good man and devoted father, we just are not as compatible as we once were.
AIBU?

Merci à tous...yes, we're in Paris, ex- DH is (very) English but moved to start a family with me when we were young.

I work in English quite often so I have been able to improve over the years , as well as being married to an English man, but I am always aware of little faults!

My DSis and I have been discussing the sale of the family home for some time now, even while our DM was alive, so this is definitely something I have been thinking of.

@LardoBurrows thank you, I think it is true in the future I may be able to help with exams , school etc.

I know have been coming across as very calm on this thread ... in real life I am more hasty and impulsive! I'm making more of an effort to be cool- headed.

Op

all things being equal - who would your daughter want to live with?

Thank you @NavyLeague I have mentioned this because I think it is important.

In our family my DM was very maternal, so was my sister to my children.
My DH started out very traditional and rather reserved, but he relaxed over time to become more the primary parent, as I've said.

That wasn't easy for him as he is from a 'posh' English background. It was all quite unconventional for his family. Despite his many years of his being very involved in our children's lives, I suppose we both felt we should default to the traditional male - female dynamic in childcare arrangements after divorce.

My DD was worried today that she would upset me by being with her father and the new partner. I was able to be calm and express that I love her, that we want what is right for her and so on.

Your dd loves you, you are her mother and irreplaceable.

Your circumstances have changed and she is lonely, so I agree she is better off with her df week days.

I would want to be spending every minute I could with her, so would ask for a few weekdays, weekends and lots of holidays as part of the agreement. Your bond and relationship won’t be compromised if you are there for all the tough stuff and not just part time.

hi OP. The decision to live with your ex doesn't mean that your dd will be with him 100% of the time. Perhaps think if you can facilitate a 40/60 split or a 30/70 one. How could that be achieved? If moving closer to your ex would do that, then I would suggest you think about that. If considering a more flexible working pattern would help - for example, wfh, or compressed hours or a 9 day fortnight, then maybe think about that.

As you know from your older children, the teenage years go so quickly - you can pick up your career when your dd is older.

@Strawberryboost although it iss hard to say, she does want to live with her father and his new partner.

For more context, originally we felt it was right she stay with me because my ex-DH was quite early in this new relationship, the new partner was in a good but not permanent situation in terms of the visa, she had only just finished a round of solo IVF, he felt he was a bit too old for her (it's a about 12 years).;

However they are clearly very happy and committed to each other. She has been very responsible towards my daughter - not too much or too little. I could see even before they got together, while we were still married (I knew her a little bit) , that they had a natural 'chemistry', a similar sensibility and outlook. She doesn't want to have children of her own any more and I feel their relationship is a stable, good environment for my child.
I have tried to refrain from invading their privacy but our older son says he thinks they are planning on marriage.

@Lastchancechica and @MonikerBing your posts were similar so I will reply here - yes I will emphasise these practical points. Also, I think that arrangement will benefit them as well because the new partner is still in the process of settling into the city, setting up her career etc. My DD sometimes helps her with French and helps her practice when they go to a café or cinéma.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · Today 14:47

There is no English stiff upper lip when it comes to admitting you don’t want to prioritise your child 🙄 it’s not something the vast majority of British people agree with. We put our children first, before our own lives and careers. We love our kids more than ourselves.

Did you really need to be so superior and bitchy to a woman with problem? There is nothing triumphantly "British" about loving your children

Why don’t you want to answer this Op?

the answer would determine my action if I were in your shoes

oh sorry you have

In your shoes - if I sensed DD would prefer to live with me all things being equal… then no ifs or buts, I would make any changes necessary to facilitate that.

If vice versa… then I’d support her decision and assist with the transition as much as possible

You only divorced two years ago?

he moved pretty quick.

Who the fuck are you to cross examine the OP so aggressively????

The OP's career is important to her. Her DD is obviously important to her.

You need to check your misogyny.

Both him and his partner are British.

i would be Petrified re their future plans to return. Petrified

Calm yourself

you didn’t read my question and then what I’d do

I actually think that you need to give this some time. You said that your mother only died recently, therefore you are both still grieving. Maybe give it 6 months or so (perhaps trial 50/50). On that basis alone you shouldn't make such huge decisions so suddenly after your mums death. You say that your dd is lonely, she is 11 (starting High school?) so already huge changes for her. Take some time off and grieve for your mum. Look at it again in 6 to 12 months, at least give you both some time.

Strawberryboost
What YOU would do is utterly irrelevant to the OP's unique position.

All YOU are doing is trying desperately to virtue signal that you are a much better mum than the OP, just as a few others are trying to do.

Painfully transparent.

Good grief @BMW6 just reading your messages is stressful. I can’t imagine actually being the poster of them 😬

Your ex and his partner seem like really decent people.

It’s also really refreshing to hear a woman saying positive things about her ex and his new partner, as often these threads can be very negative.

As a single parent it is very difficult to juggle working and childcare.

I think DD going to live with her dad is definitely the best thing to do if it is what she wants.

She gets more of a routine and you get to not feel guilty or stressed having to find childcare.
You’ll also get to be the fun Disney mum who gets to see her on weekends and take her for tea a couple of times during the week.

If everyone is on board, why not just have a 6 month trial?
Tell DD that after that 6 months she can choose to continue staying at her dads or come back to yours.

@parismorin
Your daughter is fortunate to be surrounded by love and acceptance. Not many children in split environments or so fortunate If you all work together to bring out the best in the transitions this can be a great example of best practices in co parenting. Let this be a collaborative rather than a competitive experience for all of you.

Congratulations. You managed to be vile, goady and full of tosh within one sentence. Quite the feat!!

OP - are you sure that you’re not feeling hurt that your DD suggested it, which has made you feel insecure - seeing yourself as a shit mum focusing on your perceived flaws and seeing this other woman as some kind of superior domestic goddess who can give DD something you can’t?

You’re come across as super detached here but you say you’re very emotional in real life. So what has happened? Are you in some kind of shock?

Or are you just trying very hard to be pragmatic and be the bigger person and put your DD first?

Not outraged at all. Puzzled as to why you would agree with such a misogynistic viewpoint though. Are you a man ?

ex DH and partner returning to the UK is something you have to consider and have. It's maybe not planned for but in 2 years who knows.

This does happen sometimes and it's sad. But maybe she will want to come home to you after a short time with them. The grass is always greene r