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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unreasonable to want a baby at 43?

260 replies

Babyat43 · 03/09/2023 20:35

I was recently at my Dr surgery for a routine blood test and got talking to the nurse. I said that I wish I had a child, and she said, it's not too late. She said it's possible I could get help with IVF etc.

Am I being unreasonable wanting a child at this age? My best friend thinks I should go for it. When I spoke to my mum, she said I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I don't think she ever wanted me to have children. On the other hand, she begged my sister, the golden child, for grandchildren.

Can anyone advise me if they managed to get pregnant naturally at this age. I understand there might be more health concerns too.

OP posts:
Switcher · 03/09/2023 20:37

No harm in trying really, as long as you can frame it as wanting to try rather than starting to think it'll definitely happen.

Oysterbabe · 03/09/2023 20:39

It's worth a try. You won't get ivf on the NHS though.

MaryShelley1818 · 03/09/2023 20:40

I have two children, both conceived naturally, both healthy. I was 39 and 42 (nearly 43) when they were born. Best thing I ever did. ❤️

KateyCuckoo · 03/09/2023 20:40

Do you have a partner?

Vettrianofan · 03/09/2023 20:42

I can't imagine going through pregnancy at 43 but that's only because I will have a 19 yo by then.

Try if you want to, entirely your call. Good luck OP

msmatcha · 03/09/2023 20:44

You should absolutely go for it, just be realistic in your expectations.

StarDolphins · 03/09/2023 20:45

I had my 1 DD at 42, happened within 3 months of deciding to try . I had no problems, midwife led. Go for it!

DrMarshaFieldstone · 03/09/2023 20:46

Are you in a relationship? If so, what does your partner think? If not, would you use a sperm donor? Can you afford to fund IVF privately? You won't be eligible for NHS.

Dwappy · 03/09/2023 20:49

I'd say try. But be aware it might not happen. I've been trying for 3 years and I'm nearly 42. Have had 2 rounds of ivf that have both failed. They can't find a "reason" its not working other than my age.

Feetupteashot · 03/09/2023 20:50

You might be successful with a donor egg but unlikely otherwise. Good luck op

Cowlover89 · 03/09/2023 20:50

Go for it x

BounceyB · 03/09/2023 20:51

I'd say it's up to you so long as you're prepared to accept it might not work.

NutellaEllaElla · 03/09/2023 20:53

Have you tried to conceive before?

Cuddlz · 03/09/2023 20:53

My mum had an accidental pregnancy at 40 when I was a teenager.
There was a thread on here about older mums and pregnancies (some accidental when they thought they could risk no contraception) not too long ago if you can find it. You'll never know if you'll be one of the lucky ones unless you try.

Good luck!

Starseeking · 03/09/2023 21:03

You're not unreasonable, though it may be challenging. I turn 43 in the next 2 weeks and would love another DC to add to my two, however having suffered a miscarriage 2 years ago, and not currently having a partner, it's pretty unlikely for me.

If I were you, given you want a child and are in a position to pursue it, I would go for it.

ActDottie · 03/09/2023 21:03

You don’t mention if you have a partner?

If your partner is male and he’s onboard then there’s no harm in trying. But as others have said be prepared for it not to happen.

If you start trying and realise it’s definitely what you want then ivf is ofc an option. But I don’t think 43 is too old - not that my opinion matters.

HowcanIhelp123 · 03/09/2023 21:05

Not necessarily unreasonable, however if you're 43 now you'd be 45 before baby is born if you haven't even started IVF. You don't say you have a partner and sounds like you have a difficult family. People are very capable of having a baby at 45, but do you want to be 60 when you have a 15 year old? 70 with a 25 year old? Seeing an 18/19yo DC off to uni when you're about to retire?

DC often live at home into their 20s now. They're dependent for a long time. If anything happened to you, and you have no partner and a difficult relationship with family who would this baby have? You could of course live to see 100, but if you have a baby at 45, of course chances are much higher that a child will lost their only parent at a young age.

kagerou · 03/09/2023 21:07

I just saw an old acquaintance today who is 44 and pregnant through IVF. I wish her all the best and think she'll be a great mum

Frencis · 03/09/2023 21:07

My mother had me at 42.. nearly half a century later, I think it worked out well!

PollyAmour · 03/09/2023 21:07

If you really want a child, then go for it. What does your partner think?

Mum2jenny · 03/09/2023 21:12

Absolutely go for it if that’s what you want, however the success rate at your age ( not wanting to be pessimistic) isn’t that great.
However just enjoy the opportunities ( or if you can get IFV just go for it) and hope for the best.
Good luck

lordloveadog · 03/09/2023 21:16

Of course you can try if you want to. Friend of mine has a lovely two year old now and she's 46. For another friend it didn't work out. But I don't think she regrets trying.

Dwappy · 03/09/2023 21:18

I'd also say have a look at the statistics for IVF for your age. In order to be prepared mentally. Its a very low chance of success unfortunately. Lots of people seem to think IVF is the answer to everything. But at 43 you're looking at a low chance. Donor eggs/embryos would give you a much higher chance. If you have unlimited money then it might be worth trying with own eggs. But if not I'm not sure it's worth spending 7-12k (depending on where you go) on own egg IVF. If its a one shot go I'd go for donor if you're comfortable with that idea.

boomboom109283 · 03/09/2023 21:20

You don’t need anyone’s permission. Certainly not your mothers. What do you want? It’s not the sort of thing you try for if you aren’t sure it’s something you want I guess.

fourelementary · 03/09/2023 21:23

Not for me, but then I became a Grandma at 40…