Unreasonable to want a baby at 43?

[Babyat43]

I was recently at my Dr surgery for a routine blood test and got talking to the nurse. I said that I wish I had a child, and she said, it's not too late. She said it's possible I could get help with IVF etc.

Am I being unreasonable wanting a child at this age? My best friend thinks I should go for it. When I spoke to my mum, she said I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I don't think she ever wanted me to have children. On the other hand, she begged my sister, the golden child, for grandchildren.

Can anyone advise me if they managed to get pregnant naturally at this age. I understand there might be more health concerns too.

I am 50 and there is no way I'd want to be the mother of a 7 yr old now. I am mid menopause and have very few 'caring' hormones left. I like being able to go out and do things on my own and with friends whose children have also left home. I like being able to enjoy sex without worrying about contraception.

The only good thing I can say about it is that I'd rather have had a baby at 43 than had no children at all.

Absolutely go for it, I had an unplanned but much wanted baby at 42 no issues whatsoever. Good luck

Had donor egg twins at 44, due to early menopause. Best thing we ever did! They're 15 now and I can't imagine life without them. Pregnancy was easy, so were the early years, no problems running around after a couple of toddlers.

Of course conceiving naturally may be harder, and there are potential risks - but I would definitely say go for it! Good luck!

You dont seem convinced it's something you actually want though op. The way you've worded it seems very casual it's never something to do lightly let alone at your age which could lead to lots of disappointment.
At 42 it's the last thing i would want but I do have kids so not sure if would feel differently

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer Posts like yours really piss me off, zero empathy or understanding that not everyone’s life may have gone the way yours has.
You talk about years of no freedom, the op is 43, she’s had years and years of freedom when she was young, years you didn’t have (your choice)
It took me 9 years and numerous losses and treatments and hellish times to finally conceive. I had my Dd at 40 and am happy to have years ahead with less freedom, because I had an amazing first 40 years. Try getting some empathy. The worst thing h could think of was being tied down with a baby in my mid 20’s! That’s the thing you see, we’re all different and are lives all take different paths.
Good luck op with whatever you decide

Child very possibly an orphan - or a carer - for a pensioner when they should be enjoying life at college and uni, and travelling and partying with friends.

Seriously? How many 60 year olds need a carer? Answer: not many! My 18 year old is off to Uni, has a very active social life and plans to travel. If I do need a carer one day - it won't be her!

And statistically she won't be an orphan anytime soon <checks pulse>

I had my 3rd DC at 41. First at 26/27. Got pregnant straight away each time and pregnancy was the same as pregnancies in my twenties.
However, I found that raising another child when you have 2 young children already is incredibly hard. I’m not sure it was because I’m an older mum, physically I don’t think I’ve slowed down that much, but felt knackered as my other 2 are very demanding too.

I had one at 44. She’s sitting next to me now. Do I wish I was younger? Yes! But that’s how it is sometimes. If you’d like to try then get cracking on with it

YANBU

You feel how you feel.

Its not for me but I come from that, as do most on this thread, from the priviledged position of already being a mother. At 43 you may face a bit of a struggle to conceive and yes there is an increased risk of miscarriage and other issues. But thats not to say that it wont happen.

What you do need to consider is whether you would be ok with dealing with the possibility of a bad outcome. A miscarriage is hard, no question. I am in double figures on those. But as the mother of a (now adult) son with a life long disability, I would say that that is harder. Are you prepared to hand over the rest of your life to caring? Thats the reality of it, and one that precious few people consider. They all think of the newborn, the sweet toddler, the fun tweener (FYI....they aint fun!) etc.

Sadly, age does increase the risk of a bad outcome, so I think that you need to be realistic. Is it actually being a mother that you want.....the next 20 years of your life based around someone elses needs with the loss of freedom, choices and money that that will inevitably enforce. Or are you thinking of holding a tiny baby and not really thinking about what comes with it?

Also, if you partner isnt bothered either way, then go into this on the basis that you will be a single parent. Having a baby is fucking hard when both parents are 100% behind it, when one isnt behind it then either you end up alone or you end up doing all the work becuase "you wanted the kid, you look after it". Dont say he wont, he will.

I had two IVF pregnancies that ended in miscarriage at 41, then conceived naturally and had DS at 43. No problems, healthy baby (he's 9 now). I think when people talk about how hard it is to have a baby in your forties they're often coming from the perspective of already having other children too and I can see that would be exhausting. But if you have your first and only in your 40s that's a bit different and not so tiring.

Maybe consider a donor egg as well? I discounted that when I was trying for a baby as I wanted a baby who was genetically mine, but now I think that would have been a mistake - motherhood is wonderful and it's worth going all out for it if that's how you feel. Good luck!

This is never said to a woman who already has children who has a surprise pregnancy in her 40s.

No one says “why are you bringing a child into the world who might lose their parents at a relatively young age?” then, do they.

Can you say why you never tried to conceive before?

@Wolfpa

I’m with @PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer

Thank you.

You’re body might allow you to carry a child but what about when they get older? Realistically if you start now you will be closer to 45 if you are able to have a child, what then?

Are you prepared to bring a child into the word who is destined to lose their parents at a relatively young age?

Exactly. People always come up with anecdata about their great auntie Ruth, who lived to 99 and ran a marathon every day and walked 15 miles to work and cycled a 94 mile round trip to the beach every weekend.... And their grandparents and great, great grandparents who lived to 109 and worked for 90 years, and their great aunt Lulu, who is 91 and is out drinking and playing bingo 4 nights a week and still works full time, and has got the health and stamina of a lass four times younger ...

But the reality is that most peoples health will start to decline by their mid 50s - and many will get to the point where they are getting quite a lot of medical issues, having procedures, going to clinics, having hospital visits, taking multiple meds and drugs, and then their young offspring, will possibly have to care for them by the time they (the parents) reach 70 to 75.

At this point the 'child' is only going to be in their early to mid 20s. Do you really want to put a young person through that - practically having to look after an elderly and infirm person - at the point where they should be really enjoying life/travelling/going to uni/doing a masters/forging a career/enjoying nights out and meals and weekends away with friends/concerts and shows etc? How can they do this when they have elderly infirm parents to care for?

My DW’s mum was 43 and 45 when she had her two (my DW being the younger of the two). I am in awe of her managing to do it. I am younger than that still, and have two DCs 9&11. The thought of being a few years older and then having a baby fills me with dread. Not to mention them still being dependent on me well into my 60s.

But she managed, gave them a wonderful childhood, still manages to enjoy the grandchildren she has into her 80s. Nobody suffered, everyone was happy, but it was tougher for her than if she’d had them 15 years earlier. If you have the resolve to do it, feel like you need to, and go into it eyes wide open to the fact that you’ll be an ‘old mum’ forever (not that there’s anything wrong with that) then go for it.

Nope, but they are thinking it.

Are you prepared to bring a child into the word who is destined to lose their parents at a relatively young age?

How young are you talking here?

If you did have a baby, would help with child care be available to you?

Do you live somewhere suitable for a small child?

Would you be able to continue with your job or perhaps go part-time?

My Sil had a son at 43 she then had a daughter at 44 ! Both very healthy .

Those questions are the same whatever age the mother is

If you want a child why haven't you tried to have one before?

Something like 85 per cent of your eggs at your age will turn into dud embryos if they even fertilise. It's a shit numbers game. I've had 14 eggs pulled from me via IVF. Four made it to embryos. Three didn't work and the fourth got tested and was rubbish. Likely all crap.

(and my IVF started at 39)

You do know that the world existed before you did, right?

How fucking insulting.

I don't recommend it.

They'll be asking Is that your grandma collecting him from school....

Who cares what anyone thinks or says.

You'll need a "thick coat" and a fuck off attitude.

Oh, and lots of money. Kids don't come cheap.

No not at all, if I could I would.

My friend slightly younger than me, has an older mum than mine, still going strong. Only has Mum, no Dad.
I remember as a young teen, the 45-year neighbour who thought they were going through the change, only blessed with nature.
Why do they not do hysterectomies in most cases until a lady is 46 with gynae problems.

Plenty of time, I don't think you are wrong if you can x