Upset DC were excluded from team social gathering.

Littlemissdisgruntled · 2023-09-03T18:17:50+00:00

So my DS's are 5 and 7. The are in a sports team. There's 10 boys in the team in total. It was one of the other boys birthdays last week and unbeknown to me the mum organised a party for the team but didn't include my boys. I only found out about it as one of the mums mentioned it in the team WhatsApp group the day before (in error I'm guessing) and a few of the other mums replied making it obvious their child was going. The day after the party the social media post and photos with all the kids appear. AIBU that this has upset me. I know it's upto the mum who she invited but I could never do this. My boys are clueless so far, but I'm worried the chat at the next training day among the kids will be party related and they get upset that they missed out/weren't included.

MakeItRain · 03/09/2023 19:22

It's very upsetting when your child doesn't get invited to a party, especially when it seems everyone else was invited. You need to be breezy with them if it crops up and they mention it to you. Just say "not everyone can have a big party and sometimes we don't all get invited." I always found that I was far more upset than my children when it happened! They didn't seem to notice. It's a horrible feeling though, as a parent, and I completely get why you're upset. I never get why parents exclude like this, but I try to tell myself it's just thoughtlessness.

NerrSnerr · 03/09/2023 19:24

Are you sure all the other children in the team were invited and attended? All 8 of them? Is there another common denominator? Do they go to the same school or something?

Original poster

Littlemissdisgruntled · 03/09/2023 19:26

Yeah all mums were tagged on the social media photos which all the other children were in. We all live in diff areas and none of the children attend school together.

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YouHoooo · 03/09/2023 19:27

Theres nothing you can do about it, so I’d tell myself that it probably isn’t just your kids and try to forget it. Honestly, kid friendships aren’t worth the faff.

If this is part of wide exclusion that’s different, of course.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 03/09/2023 19:28

Did the boys actually get an invite but they left in the kit bag?

Original poster

Littlemissdisgruntled · 03/09/2023 19:30

Definitely no invite in kit bag and we have all sat in each others company often and chatted the last few weeks as the boys had been training extra over the summer holidays. Nothing was mentioned by any of the muns until one brought it up in the chat the day before and we had all been together the previous evening.

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Leeds2 · 03/09/2023 19:31

How old was the birthday child? Could it be perhaps that they wanted to invite whichever of your DC is the same age, but not the other one, so decide to invite neither? I would be a bit upset too.

HakunaMatiłda · 03/09/2023 19:33

It sounds that one of your boys could be the odd one out - either too old or too young for the rest of the group?

Original poster

Littlemissdisgruntled · 03/09/2023 19:35

Age group was varied from 5-7 as that's the team age group.

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Original poster

Littlemissdisgruntled · 03/09/2023 19:37

One of the kids that was invited and attended is a couple of months younger than my 5 year old.

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Original poster

Littlemissdisgruntled · 05/09/2023 22:13

Update
Today on the chat a party happening this weekend is mentioned. Asking if everyone -'can still make it'. Again my kids hadn't been invited and couple hours before it at training this mum (a diff mum) had spoken briefly with me and not a word mentioned of a party. I have just taken myself out the WhatsApp as its upsetting. Starting to think I've done something to upset this bunch of mums??

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IDugAnotherHole · 05/09/2023 22:37

Sorry, that's really shit and you're allowed to feel upset by it. I absolutely would feel sad, humiliated, embarrassed and angry in your situation. You might get replies suggesting you're not entitled to these feelings: ignore them.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/09/2023 22:49

Are you sure you're not being invited? Is there a mum in the group that you can ask about how the invitations are being given out?

wideawakeyetagain · 05/09/2023 22:50

Littlemissdisgruntled · 05/09/2023 22:13

Update
Today on the chat a party happening this weekend is mentioned. Asking if everyone -'can still make it'. Again my kids hadn't been invited and couple hours before it at training this mum (a diff mum) had spoken briefly with me and not a word mentioned of a party. I have just taken myself out the WhatsApp as its upsetting. Starting to think I've done something to upset this bunch of mums??

Hi op this is one of the reasons I stay clear of mum friends it's upsetting and not nice I don't get how people can leave kids out x

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 05/09/2023 22:53

Littlemissdisgruntled · 05/09/2023 22:13

Update
Today on the chat a party happening this weekend is mentioned. Asking if everyone -'can still make it'. Again my kids hadn't been invited and couple hours before it at training this mum (a diff mum) had spoken briefly with me and not a word mentioned of a party. I have just taken myself out the WhatsApp as its upsetting. Starting to think I've done something to upset this bunch of mums??

That was your chance to say something op.
It is very upsetting x

Luana1 · 05/09/2023 22:59

If it’s two different mums who haven’t invited your kids there must be something going on between the kids. There is a boy in my eldest’s class (7 year olds) who no longer gets invited to many parties as he hits other children, tells lies about his peers and is generally disruptive. Not saying one of your kids is doing such things but it’s worth digging to find out what’s going on.

melj1213 · 05/09/2023 23:01

Littlemissdisgruntled · 05/09/2023 22:13

Update
Today on the chat a party happening this weekend is mentioned. Asking if everyone -'can still make it'. Again my kids hadn't been invited and couple hours before it at training this mum (a diff mum) had spoken briefly with me and not a word mentioned of a party. I have just taken myself out the WhatsApp as its upsetting. Starting to think I've done something to upset this bunch of mums??

Why would you not just take this as an opportunity to raise the issue? Rather than just leaving the group (which gets you no answers) you could have at least given people the chance to explain - unlikely though it is there may be a perfectly good explanation as to why your kids weren't invited, there could have been an admin oversight, a missed practice where invitations were given out, miscommunication etc.

So when the second party was mentioned and the mum asked "Can everyone still make it?" That when you reply with something like "Neither Tommy or Timmy have received an invitation to any party, did I miss something? The fact they haven't received invitations to two parties in a row that everyone else seems to be aware of means I'm beginning to think they're being deliberately excluded. I hope it's just an admin oversight but if not then I would rather people were honest with me so I can prepare Tommy and Timmy for the possibility of all the others talking about a party they didn't attend."

EverybodyAgreesEverybodyAgrees · 05/09/2023 23:03

I get it. Its really upsetting when this happens. I totally understand.
This happened to my child at primary - private, 1 form entry, 20 in the class, go glaringly obvious.
It's upsetting and frustrating. The parents think they are being discrete but really they aren't.

A few years along now we are at senior school and I've had time to reflect and distance myself from the 1 or 2 families that did this, I can categorically say its them. It reflects entirely on them and not me/you.

Hurt people, hurt people.

Those parents who exclude children deliberately from these things are just honestly, well, schoolyard bullies, aren't they? To invite 19 out of 20 .......... hurtful, spiteful - uncalled for.

mylittleprince · 05/09/2023 23:09

I have only once excluded just one child from a party and with very good reason. The child was a horrible bully.

No idea if the child was aware they were left out, I didn't post photos anywhere. If the parent had asked me I would have told them why and with specific examples.

If this has happened twice to you within the same group, I would be questioning why.

Horriblewoman · 05/09/2023 23:13

Why wouldn’t you reply to that message with a ‘oh sorry I might have missed that invite, just checking if that includes Bilbo and coleslaw?’ Rather than just leaving the group?

EverybodyAgreesEverybodyAgrees · 05/09/2023 23:14

One does need to consider however that those parents are very happy to accept invitations to attend your dcs parties but don't want to reciprocate!

Very much a mixed message and hypocritical imo ....

Surely if there's an issue with MY dc then their dc wouldn't attend their party either 😵‍💫😵‍💫 go figure ...

sillyuniforms · 05/09/2023 23:19

Horriblewoman · 05/09/2023 23:13

Why wouldn’t you reply to that message with a ‘oh sorry I might have missed that invite, just checking if that includes Bilbo and coleslaw?’ Rather than just leaving the group?

This

sillyuniforms · 05/09/2023 23:22

I am on tons of WAp for our club(s)
Some as officials and some as a parent.
Soooo many people don't read all the messages. Drives me insane.
Then ask same questions or don't reply

NerrSnerr · 05/09/2023 23:26

If there have been two parties then either you are missing the invitations or there is a reason. Are either of your boys difficult in any way? Are there any friendship issues?

Canisaysomething · 05/09/2023 23:31

This isn't to do with you it's to do with your sons. If you don't think they care about going to these parties then by all means leave the group. But if you think there's a chance they are missing out then question the lack of invite and get to the bottom of it.