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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset DC were excluded from team social gathering.

222 replies

Littlemissdisgruntled · 03/09/2023 19:17

So my DS's are 5 and 7. The are in a sports team. There's 10 boys in the team in total. It was one of the other boys birthdays last week and unbeknown to me the mum organised a party for the team but didn't include my boys. I only found out about it as one of the mums mentioned it in the team WhatsApp group the day before (in error I'm guessing) and a few of the other mums replied making it obvious their child was going. The day after the party the social media post and photos with all the kids appear. AIBU that this has upset me. I know it's upto the mum who she invited but I could never do this. My boys are clueless so far, but I'm worried the chat at the next training day among the kids will be party related and they get upset that they missed out/weren't included.

OP posts:
BoogieBoogieWoogie · 07/09/2023 14:19

Sueveneers · 06/09/2023 19:54

Those messages were addressed to the whole group. She'd only have a point if the messages addressed some people individually.

Show quote history

They were not invited (for whatever reason). "are you still coming?" is a follow-up message to an actual invitation, with an actual date/time/venue details. The OP received none of these. Her DC were not invited.

minipie · 07/09/2023 14:27

"are you still coming?" is a follow-up message to an actual invitation

Agree, but I can’t imagine anyone would send that kind of follow up on a chat where they had deliberately excluded two of the group. Hence my money is still on admin error. But the OP has flounced so will never know.

Stormydayagain · 07/09/2023 14:31

Are you sure they haven't set up a separate "kidsparty" what's app group and missed your off in error or added a random other "little miss" by mistake and then this mistake is being replicated either by the next parent lazily using the same party group or copying the list of parents when setting up their group.

Unicorn2022 · 07/09/2023 14:36

minipie · 07/09/2023 14:27

"are you still coming?" is a follow-up message to an actual invitation

Agree, but I can’t imagine anyone would send that kind of follow up on a chat where they had deliberately excluded two of the group. Hence my money is still on admin error. But the OP has flounced so will never know.

It's because they obviously posted the follow up message on the wrong group chat. They meant to message the WhatsApp group that OP isn't a member of, and accidentally posted on the main group.

minipie · 07/09/2023 14:54

Yep fair point that’s quite possible

Also possible as pp says that the OP was missed accidentally from a separate whatsapp group and then the second party organiser used the same whatsapp group.

mistakes happen

Strawberryboost · 07/09/2023 15:46

It would appear the Op flounced from this thread at same time as she flounced from the wats app group

Hazey19 · 07/09/2023 18:24

I hate stuff like this and I could and never would leave just one child out (know it’s 2 here but you know what I mean). Could it be numbers though? So they could have invited one sibling but not the other? It would definitely upset me though. X

bluejumping · 07/09/2023 19:11

I definitely would have responded on the group

another party? Are we NFI to this one too? Beginning to feel paranoid 🤪

bluejumping · 07/09/2023 19:13

Why would there be a separate whatsapp group for parties, unless some members of the OG group are excluded? Doesn’t seem
sensible actually. I bet that is what happened though

makes no sense

TyrannasaurusJex · 07/09/2023 19:15

Horriblewoman · 05/09/2023 23:13

Why wouldn’t you reply to that message with a ‘oh sorry I might have missed that invite, just checking if that includes Bilbo and coleslaw?’ Rather than just leaving the group?

Just snorted wine out of my nose at "Bilbo and Coleslaw" 😂

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/09/2023 19:17

bluejumping · 07/09/2023 19:13

Why would there be a separate whatsapp group for parties, unless some members of the OG group are excluded? Doesn’t seem
sensible actually. I bet that is what happened though

makes no sense

I'm a big group chat where we also have other breakaway chats about various events.

However (and it's a big however!) the info is posted on the main group and anyone who's interested is added to the new chat. There's also a ridiculous amount of members and no one wants to be spammed about Joan's knitting group.

Stormydayagain · 07/09/2023 19:22

bluejumping · 07/09/2023 19:13

Why would there be a separate whatsapp group for parties, unless some members of the OG group are excluded? Doesn’t seem
sensible actually. I bet that is what happened though

makes no sense

Fairly standard on DD school class WhatsApp group, so that the info about party doesn't get lost into the background by other issues and also so the normal group doesn't get flooded by photo/video sharing after the event.

Owl55 · 07/09/2023 19:32

It’s hard sometimes to say no but if you are only allowed 9 places you only have 9 places, if your child prefers 9 of their closest friends are we unreasonable to not let them choose their special friends only , yes it’s hard being left out but sometimes it’s a fact of life ?

Pres11 · 07/09/2023 19:35

This has happened to me so so many times over the years. It hurts your heart, it’s hard to explain. Especially when children get older and realise they haven’t been invited. But it’s life lessons for them. And me it seems 💕

melj1213 · 07/09/2023 19:38

bluejumping · 07/09/2023 19:13

Why would there be a separate whatsapp group for parties, unless some members of the OG group are excluded? Doesn’t seem
sensible actually. I bet that is what happened though

makes no sense

It happens all the time to keep the "main" group to the purpose of the class and then any splinter groups were for the specific reasons.

Eg DD was in a musical theatre class, the WhatsApp group was set up for updates on class info/rehearsal schedules/things they need for classes etc ... We had so many splinter groups from the main class group - off hand I know I had a group for a few of us that carpooled to arrange our carpool schedule; one for those of us who were the parent volunteers to organise the admin; a couple from parties/social gatherings for the kids/parents; a couple with various combinations of parents for events that only some of us were participating in etc

Julimia · 07/09/2023 19:52

This is awful and very unpalatable for a mum but unfortunately this is how life is. Sorry.

RoadLess · 07/09/2023 19:53

Stormydayagain · 07/09/2023 19:22

Fairly standard on DD school class WhatsApp group, so that the info about party doesn't get lost into the background by other issues and also so the normal group doesn't get flooded by photo/video sharing after the event.

Show quote history

Absolutely. Individual party groups so as not to spam the whole class, groups consisting of parents who socialise together (ours originated with a general shout out to the whole class WhatsApp, and then split off into people who were interested in going out for drinks, which has been added to gradually down the years), plus i started one for DS’s friends’ parents (mostly organising lifts, play dates etc), and one for those of us who work flexibly and sometimes have a coffee after morning drop off.

PosterBoy · 07/09/2023 20:08

bluejumping · 07/09/2023 19:13

Why would there be a separate whatsapp group for parties, unless some members of the OG group are excluded? Doesn’t seem
sensible actually. I bet that is what happened though

makes no sense

It makes total sense. You should see how spammed the main group gets otherwise. Then you can't find the post about where the match is this Saturday because there are 25 stupid memes, 10 chats about the footie on the telly, and 200 about what other stuff the kids are up to

jannier · 07/09/2023 20:15

I'd be blunt and have said whilst I understand not everyone is invited to all parties it's pretty rude to be discussing it on a group WhatsApp that includes children who are not on the guest list my children could see your pictures. Could I suggest in future you make a broadcast list on the WhatsApp feature or a new party group.

changeme4this · 07/09/2023 20:23

This is the type of thing I was happy to see the back of once the DC finished schooling and I probably would have left the group too.

surely someone would have noticed you and yours were missing from the invites and asked you where the DC were the first time around….?

JubileeQueen123 · 07/09/2023 20:25

I’d just reply and say ‘ace, looking forward to it. See you on Saturday’

ohboohoo · 07/09/2023 20:31

Two parties is weird. It's not a big group. I would have just asked why your boys were not invited to this or the previous party. If everyone hated my family I'd want to know and why

Catkin51 · 07/09/2023 20:37

I agree with this post.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/09/2023 21:12

You’re being very sensible op - if it were me, I’d have to ask what the issue is to exclude only my 2 boys- if it definitely is only them excluded - then you really need to know why!

threatmatrix · 08/09/2023 04:29

Autumnleaves4 · 06/09/2023 08:14

You should definitely have confronted the parents on the what’s app and asked why your children are the only ones not invited and did they realise how hurtful this was to both you and them. It’s not acceptable for people to behave like this and by leaving the group you have let them get away with it guilt free.

But nice or not it’s up to the parents and children who they invite. If kids don’t want someone at their party then I wouldn’t invite them. You need to speak to someone even if it’s the coach. I know it’s gut wrenching.

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