Upset DC were excluded from team social gathering.

[Littlemissdisgruntled]

So my DS's are 5 and 7. The are in a sports team. There's 10 boys in the team in total. It was one of the other boys birthdays last week and unbeknown to me the mum organised a party for the team but didn't include my boys. I only found out about it as one of the mums mentioned it in the team WhatsApp group the day before (in error I'm guessing) and a few of the other mums replied making it obvious their child was going. The day after the party the social media post and photos with all the kids appear. AIBU that this has upset me. I know it's upto the mum who she invited but I could never do this. My boys are clueless so far, but I'm worried the chat at the next training day among the kids will be party related and they get upset that they missed out/weren't included.

To be honest it wouldn’t have been unreasonable to speak up the day before. “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realise there was a team party. I must have missed their invites 🤦🏼‍♀️ Please could you send the details? Lucky I saw this!”

Or if you knew who the main organiser was, “Hi, just noticed on the group chat there is a team party for the kids tomorrow. I had no idea about it. Sorry if this sounds cheeky, but are DS and DS invited with them being part of the group? I’ve not seen an invite or anything, so just wanted to double check as I wouldn’t want them to miss out if they are invited?”

Neither comment is confrontational but would have got the message across perfectly that they have missed 2 kids out.

Seems unlikely to be an oversight. In a team of 10 children, it would have been spotted that 2 were missing. On two occasions.
Social media posts were made, tags were added. One of the two party hosts would have noticed.
Feels deliberate to me 😞

Don't overthink this OP. If the parents definitely didn't invite your DC's and it wasnt a oversight then I would distance myself from the group. Your DCs are small and wouldn't notice. They will make friends with other children at school and outside activities. It is hurtful to feel they are not included but we feel this for them.
Some mums can be mean (not all).
I am glad I have three teenagers on my hands and they have their own group of friends.

This isn't to do with you it's to do with your sons. If you don't think they care about going to these parties then by all means leave the group. But if you think there's a chance they are missing out then question the lack of invite and get to the bottom of it.
This

If it were me, I'd have done it differently. I'd have asked a question in the group and acted oblivious and not hurt or wounded as suggested by others 'oh what party was that, did we miss it along the way, I saw it on Facebook looked like fun!'

I'd have stayed in the group for the sake of getting information for my kids, sharing lifts etc.

You may want to just monitor that your personal issues do not get transferred to your kids.

Try to keep it separate.
Just because you feel isolated and alone does not mean they do.
Their feelings are not your feelings.

I wouldn't be asking them questions about if everything is OK with their friends.
You'll hear about it if it isn't.
Those sorts of questions just leads them to question themselves, and create a problem where there isn't one.

The fact they've mentioned it on the WhatsApp group would lead me to believe there has been miscommunication somewhere. In my experience, new groups are set up if someone is excluded.

It's a bit late now as you've already left the group. The opportunity was there to say, sorry have I missed something?! was there when the latest party was mentioned. Only the admin of the group will receive a notification that you've left so the others may not notice, particularly if you're not very active on there.

Just rejoin and ask about the invite. The second party hasn't happened yet.

They probably did notice. My nephew is at the point of doing whole class parties. Some children never attend any. They still get an invitation out of politeness but no one asks about it as they're never there.

This sort of thing happens all the time so it’s not worth letting it get to you. My daughter was best friends with a girl and then a third child came into the mix and that girls mum was very proactive in ensuring her daughter had play dates with the other girl, the more my daughter showed it didn’t bother her the more it annoyed them.

Sounds like you probably were invited to the second party else why would the mum publicly ask in the group about everyone’s attendance? But now you’ve flounced and made it awkward so I doubt they’ll be anymore invites coming your way!

I think you are massively being unreasonable. By your own admission, the invites aren't personally given out. They are announced on the GROUP chat, addressed to everyone, that you are a part of. Which obviously means YOU are invited.

Yet you want personal confirmation? You of course, were invited by the GROUP whats app. Yet you refused to let your children go to the parties, because you expect a personal invite. That isn't a 'thing' any more. You sound socially inept and socially awkward and I feel sorry for your children that they are missing out on parties they are ever so clearly invited to, but you won't let them go to.

I know it might be embarrassing speaking up if it’s not, but two in a row is very likely a technical error not a slight. You may have been left off a list or have invites sitting in a spam folder somewhere. You may actually have moms seething that you don’t rsvp positive or negative. It’s time to say something. You are already ready to flounce, so it really can’t get much worse.

I think you have jumped the gun. Why didn’t you dm the party mother and ask her if the boys are invited, you have been very busy and have missed the invite.

Now it just looks like you have flounced.

If if turned out your boys were not included in either party - unlikely - you could have left then ( and found a more friendly club for your dc)

Rejoin and dm the mother directly

I would have assumed we were invited if the party was posted on a group chat 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think the party mother was chasing confirmations, inc yours op!

I would support the exclusion if they were bullying my child (as I've already said twice now). The pp said 'not nice' at first which was more ambiguous.
A six year old is far too young to have the final say on things like party invitations in my opinion. Obviously they should be listened to and strongly contribute, but parents should be actively involved at that age.
It turns out this particular child is older though, so it's not the same.

Get yourself back on that WhatsApp group! Explain you accidentally left.

I would've responded with something like "We're visiting family/friends that day but hope you all have a fabulous time!".

If you're still not invited to the next one, you need to find out if your boys are behaving inappropriately so you can get them back on track.

Put your boys first and ask someone.

Surely there must have been a mistake for the second mother to mention the party on the group? If they have left your children out deliberately then they aren't worth being friends with anyway so take the positive that you know that now.

I 100% understand how you feel but you won't care in a week so why not give yourself a break and not care now.

Yes..."a lot of parents are complete thoughtless arseholes" .

Guessing that the people talking about misunderstandings/miscommunication haven't had that experience yet. People really do leave little and big kids out of things with no thought whatsoever. They don't need to be a bully or naughty.

There isn't always a reasonable explanation. It's painful, unpleasant but true!

You are taking this far too personally. Just ask privately - it’s no big deal. My kids have done loads of clubs over the years. The best way to treat teammates/parents is like colleagues rather than friends - everyone is there to see a job get done. Sometimes friendships blossom and that’s great, but your boys are there to play football - half those parents will be gone within the year and replaced by new ones so don’t think of this in a fatalistic worst case scenario way.

I can't believe people aren't grasping that the mum probably posted about the party on the wrong WhatsApp team chat in error! It doesn't mean that OP's kids are invited - the fact that the message says are you all still coming means that there have been previous messages about the party that OP hasn't received.

My kids are all much older now so this isn't an issue anymore but I can clearly remember the issues around birthday parties, the deliberate exclusions and the drama which was incredibly hurtful at the time.

It definitely might be worth asking the coach about your DCs' behaviour in club as I know a lot of kids can be incredibly boisterous at that age and that might be a reason for not inviting them. I know a lot of five year olds who could sit through a pantomime or film at the cinema for example, but several who couldn't sit still for five minutes and would likely ruin it for everyone else. It might be just that rather than any nasty behaviour like bullying.

Do you have any inkling as to what the reason might be? If not i would have to enquire (in a concerned but friendly tone, whether your boys have done something to upset the other lads)

I think you are taking this too personally. It wasn’t a team social it was a child’s birthday party so down to the individual child.

My children invite who they want to, to their parties their friendship circles have changed over the years and DS in particular mostly invites his sports team - he does not invite all of them. Equally he is invited to some of his team mates and class mates birthday parties. Sometimes he’s upset by not being invited sometimes he’s oblivious. I help him
manage his feelings and explain party
limits and difficult choices his friends may have to make!

Some people are just incredibly crass.

Of course you don’t invite all but two (siblings) in a team of 5-7 yos.