Upset DC were excluded from team social gathering.

[Littlemissdisgruntled]

So my DS's are 5 and 7. The are in a sports team. There's 10 boys in the team in total. It was one of the other boys birthdays last week and unbeknown to me the mum organised a party for the team but didn't include my boys. I only found out about it as one of the mums mentioned it in the team WhatsApp group the day before (in error I'm guessing) and a few of the other mums replied making it obvious their child was going. The day after the party the social media post and photos with all the kids appear. AIBU that this has upset me. I know it's upto the mum who she invited but I could never do this. My boys are clueless so far, but I'm worried the chat at the next training day among the kids will be party related and they get upset that they missed out/weren't included.

I disagree with people saying op should ask if it’s an admin error. Of course it’s not! Nor should parents challenge invite lists, it’s just not appropriate and ends up being a bit embarrassing.

op, from bitter experience, I think you’ve done the right thing. Your kids will be oblivious and would get over it in five seconds flat if they did know. UNLESS a parent’s behaviour demonstrates that it’s a big issue for them. I totally get your hurt - been there - but pls don’t transfer to your kids. I hope they are oblivious and can crack on with their sport. Friendships at this age are often parent related/manipulated. It’s likely nothing at all to do with your kids and everything to do with grown women trying to make and keep friends with adults via their children. You did the right thing taking yourself out of the chat. Hide them on social media. What you don’t know can’t hurt you and you can be breezy and on superficial terms only with the parents from now on. If someone asks why you left, you could just say ‘the chat seemed to be about socials I wasn’t part of so I left’ or similar. If you’re breezy and polite, they will be too and it will blow over.

Some people are just nasty, it doesn't mean the OP or her children are unpleasant.

For everyone saying it's an admin issue, the OP has stated the only way they communicate is in person or through the WhatsApp group. If it was an admin issue they'd just ask her at practice, she said nothing has been mentioned, no parties have been mentioned in her presence. This doesn't sound like an admin issue to me.

I can understand why she didn't bring it up on the chat, by the sounds of these mums the replies might have been radio silence making things even more awkward. I'd have muted the chat rather than just leaving.

I think you’ve made a huge deal out of nothing by removing yourself from the group. It wasn’t a social event for the team as you’ve made out, it was her son’s birthday party and he can invite who he chooses. Kids can’t expect to be invited to every party and neither should you expect them to be.

Second time I would have assumed admin error. I would have privately messaged the mum and said "just seen your message we haven't had an invite. Are my two included? No worries if not just wanted to check?"

If you get a sorry limited numbers reply then you know they are deliberately excluding.

If all the other boys were invited then she should have invited yours. My son had a party and he was inviting most of the boys in his class. I then said we need to invite the few that weren’t, even though numbers were then quite big, as it just would not have been fair. Imagine being one of them that wasn’t and feeling so rejected.

IME most people are oblivious to things like this. If they'd noticed OP's children weren't there, they would have assumed they had something else on.

I too suspect an admin error and the second party giver has used the same list as the first.

For those who say these things never happen - it's extremely common at my workplace for key people to be missed off meeting invites. No one realises until they don't turn up. We've even had instances where the person who was meant to lead the meeting wasn't invited. It's only a small minority of people who are bothered to check/realise things like this.

OP's best bet was to reply to the "is everyone coming?" message with "Oh, I must have missed a message; when is it?". Then she'd either get an apology if accidently missed out; she'd get an explanation if there was some problem she didn't know about; or she'd get a pity invite to this party (which would not bother her children at all) but then never be invited again and at least she'd know that it was her/her children that were the issue.

She's now left in a limbo and, if it was an error and others continue to use the same method to organise parties, has permanently excluded her children.

On a recent thread a Mumsnetter wrote about 2 children, iirc, siblings at her child's party who were very badly behaved at a venue. Both to the other children who attended, the hosting parent and the staff at the venue.
She wondered if she should say anything to the parents.
In the end she decided to say nothing but those children would never be invited by her dc again.

It’s clearly not an admin error when OP has sat with these parents at training and nothing has been mentioned.

OP I think you are doing the right thing leaving the group and speaking to the coach. If there is a problem with one of your dc behaviour you would hope the coach would have told you though.

Is there one parent you can ask about it? That is a better way of doing it than in the WhatsApp group.

OP as another PP suggested at the the second party mention you should have messaged: "just seen your message we haven't had an invite. Are my two included? No worries if not just wanted to check?"

If you get a "sorry limited numbers" reply then you know they are deliberately excluding.

Then I would have asked "No problem. If there was any other issue or with the boys' behaviour etc. it would be really helpful to know".

If they just don't like you or your boys then fine, just drop out of the group, but I would want to know if there was something else going on which could help my DC/me as a parent.

Sulking etc. is really unhelpful and longer term isn't a good thing to model to your DC.

I don't think you suggestion was a bad suggestion at all. The coach works with the kids and might be able to give you a heads up if there are any issues.

This is a very good idea!

A few years back I had a slumber Birthday party for my DD, she was 13 at the time, at this stage, I didn't know all of her friends so she gave me a list of all her friends to be invited. About 17 in total. I always remember it because they did so much screaming - it was a nightmare.

At one point they all decided to run out in the front garden in their PJs. I called them back in.

This party was over 3 years ago. Recently we were discussing parties and I reminded my DD of that night they were so loud. She then said, " Yes, I remember it, when we went outside we saw Amy and her mum walk by - out on an evenings walk, I felt sorry for her" I was like what, why wasn't she invited, My DD just said she forgot to add her on the list.

Even after 3 years, hearing this - I felt physically sick, thinking of the poor girl walking past out hour house with her mother - not invited.

Errors do happen! You should message the mum privately - say no issue if they're not invited, per the above post.

Sorry you left. It could well be that it was custom and practice to invite the team to a separate family party and each original fsmily is stuck in a loop now of inviting and paying for the original gang. Thoughtless to chat on WA with new parents but possibly no more than that. Find the most sensible parent, have a chat off line then get back on the group or your kids will miss matches and all sorts

It’s clearly not an admin error when OP has sat with these parents at training and nothing has been mentioned.

I always see this kind of comment mentioned when someone is talking about not being invited and I have to wonder if I have forgotten or did things wrong when I sat with other parents at training sessions when DD was younger because I can't ever remember parties being a massive discussion topic that there was no way to miss.

You might get the odd "Jane, is Jack coming to Tom's party on Saturday, only I didn't get an RSVP from the invitation he handed out a couple of weeks ago?" or a "Jane, any chance you could pick Sam up from Tom's party this weekend and drop him off/I'll pick him up? I have to take Sarah to her underwater basket weaving class and it is at the party time" but unless there was either a logistical reason or the party parent had gone all out on an OTT party they needed everyone to hear about then parties might be discussed in a 1:1 chat but they weren't a massive big deal that necessitated a whole group discussion.

I think you've pre-emptively left the group - sounds like your boys were invited given that the party host sent a group-wide message about numbers. It would have been more appropriate for you to ask for details.

By leaving the group when the likelihood is that nobody knows why you're upset (since it's possible an oversight led to you being missed off the invite lists), you will look like the rude one.

This is a sensible response.
Either it is an error, or two separate people didn’t want to invite your sons, you need to ask why. Possibly there has been a misunderstanding, possibly one of your boys has upset another, but as they like this group you need to find out rather than flouncing off the group chat.
Do you get along with the other mothers ? If so could you ask the one you are closest to ?
I was strict with my dds about inviting everyone to parties when they were small, but after some pretty bad bullying I shifted to smaller group parties and allowed my dds to choose, as I wasn’t prepared to have a child who had bullied mine for months, at her party. There is usually a reason for an exclusion, from something simple like numbers being limited and the closest friends invited, to more tricky things like behaviour, friendship dynamics or bullying.
In your place I would really want to know, if it is simply numbers or closer friends (your DSs May stick together and so have fewer obvious friends in the group) then you can help facilitate friendships.

I used to work in a school and run Brownies and saw this sort of thing all the time. Sometimes the parents of the child left out did approach me and I would discretely ask if they had been forgotten.
Invariably they had been deliberately excluded because the parent doing the inviting felt that they were overbearing or a bully, but it's such a cruel way to deal with that.

@Littlemissdisgruntled

So your solution is to run away and hide, feeling upset and hard done by? How does that help your two lovely boys?

Luckily, your children are still young enough for you to change your behaviour and learn to become more assertive in your interactions with others. They’ve got more than 10yrs of school left to go and there will be plenty more situations of unfairness and mistakes made and therefore, opportunities to learn how to have difficult conversations with other adults.

Once my child wasn't invited to a party as the mother didn't like my husbands job!

Is there a parent you get on well with you can ask discretely if there is a problem?

OP, just message the second mum and ask if your sons were meant to be invited. If she had deliberately excluded them, she wouldn't have posted on the group. If your kids are genuinely nice kids then there is no reason they've been excluded from a big group party and it's likely to be a cock up. Then message another mum and say 'Whatsapp booted me out of all my groups! Can you ask the admin to add me again please?'

I found out last weekend that one of DD's 'best' friends had a party over the summer and she wasn't invited - but all the rest of her group of friends were. I was really upset, but DD doesn't seem fazed (although I don't think she knows that all the rest went.) I stewed all weekend and decided not to say anything to the mum, but now I'm getting really tense every school run this week in case we bump into them, and I kind of wish I'd just come straight out and asked her why my DD was left out rather than get into this awful spiral of angst. It's going to be a long 5 years of avoiding them twice a day when we would previously say hi and walk together.

There's clearly something going on.
How are the other mums towards you? Do they treat you the same way as they do each other?
How do your sons interact with the other children? Do they appear to be included and liked?
I think its useful to identify if there's an issue. So perhaps talk to the coach and ask their opinion of your sons' behaviour and how they fit into the team (not mentioning the parties, just generally how they're settled) Alternatively if there's a particularly friendly mum you could ask her if you or your sons have done anything amiss.
If there's no satisfactory answer, then maybe look for another team? Your sons are oblivious now but they'll soon catch on.

That is what I meant, I wasn’t clear. Surely one of the two party parents would have asked OP as they hadn’t replied

It is mean to invite most by not all dc from a single social group.

But it wasn't a social for the team, it was a dc's birthday party.

If your dc are aware of the party you can help by giving them a narrative e.g. x probably wanted to invite everyone, but was only allowed to invite a certain number.

You just have to learn to shrug it off. Yes you'll feel hurt for your dc but you'll have years of this.

They'll get invited to some things and not to others.

Just message and ask if your two were invited.

@SoShallINever what would you suggest a parent does in that situation?

A - have a party, don't invite the bully, be discreet

B - invite the bully and spoil your child's party

C - no one can have a party ever, cos it's unfair to exclude the bully

I think everyone understands it's not nice to feel excluded, but option A is probably the option most would go for