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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset DC were excluded from team social gathering.

222 replies

Littlemissdisgruntled · 03/09/2023 19:17

So my DS's are 5 and 7. The are in a sports team. There's 10 boys in the team in total. It was one of the other boys birthdays last week and unbeknown to me the mum organised a party for the team but didn't include my boys. I only found out about it as one of the mums mentioned it in the team WhatsApp group the day before (in error I'm guessing) and a few of the other mums replied making it obvious their child was going. The day after the party the social media post and photos with all the kids appear. AIBU that this has upset me. I know it's upto the mum who she invited but I could never do this. My boys are clueless so far, but I'm worried the chat at the next training day among the kids will be party related and they get upset that they missed out/weren't included.

OP posts:
shitetatts · 06/09/2023 08:23

Are your kids well behaved OP?

Maltaw · 06/09/2023 08:25

I think leaving the group was silly too. I'd have asked. I'd have been polite about it and wouldn't have used terms such as 'excluded'

SnapdragonToadflax · 06/09/2023 08:26

Just ask! If you don't want to do it in the chat message one of the mums privately. It's either admin error or your kids are difficult in some way and the other kids don't want them there - either way, it's good to know.

hectica · 06/09/2023 08:30

Littlemissdisgruntled · 06/09/2023 06:35

I stewed for hours wanting to reply before I left the chat. In the end I decided to just leave instead of saying something out of anger.
The kids are oblivious to the exclusion so no harm done in that respect.
When in training the kids have 2 coaches and are never left alone. If any problems the coaches comes and get us, they wouldn't stand for bullying. I could ask them privately to keep an eye out.
I have asked my kids if everything is OK at training and if they are all still friends. I get a resounding yes still enjoying going and everyone is my friend.
I've definitely not missed messages regarding the parties.
My DC haven't had parties since they joined the team to invite the others along to as yet.

Leaving or getting angry were not your only options.

I'd bet a week's pension that this is an admin cock up rather than deliberate, or they wouldn't be talking about the parties in front of you on the Whatsapp group.

I have no idea why you didn't do the obvious thing and respond to "a party happening this weekend is mentioned. Asking if everyone -'can still make it' " with:

"I don't think Billy and Bobby have been invited to that, is it possible that the invitation is stuffed in the bottom of their sports bag?"

Stomping off the group with no explanation is not going to help your children in any way. They WILL be excluded now because you're not around to be asked.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/09/2023 08:33

Strawberryboost · 06/09/2023 08:09

Do they all go to the same school?

From a post that the OP wrote :

Yeah all mums were tagged on the social media photos which all the other children were in. We all live in diff areas and none of the children attend school together.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/09/2023 08:35

My advice would be to bring it to the attention of the coach.

They rise as a team and fall as a team and excluding some of the team out of things doesn't do anything to help with team spirit.

That would be my advice

Strawberryboost · 06/09/2023 08:36

LookItsMeAgain · 06/09/2023 08:35

My advice would be to bring it to the attention of the coach.

They rise as a team and fall as a team and excluding some of the team out of things doesn't do anything to help with team spirit.

That would be my advice

Possibly worst advice I have ever read on mumsnet!!

WandaWonder · 06/09/2023 08:37

LookItsMeAgain · 06/09/2023 08:35

My advice would be to bring it to the attention of the coach.

They rise as a team and fall as a team and excluding some of the team out of things doesn't do anything to help with team spirit.

That would be my advice

Seriously?

Strawberryboost · 06/09/2023 08:40

@LookItsMeAgain
you don’t have children do you?

Marchitectmummy · 06/09/2023 08:41

Are you sure there isn't a contact list thst you have been accidentally left off of? Did you join after the others or something?

Just seems strange your children would be missed off of both. Are your children popular at football? Or are you disliked?

Can only think its an error unless you or your children are unpleasant. Only you will know if there is a reason for being excluded. I'll bet on error personally.

HollieHobbie · 06/09/2023 08:43

🙄

By flouncing @Littlemissdisgruntled will never get to know if it was a verbal invitation and the children have forgotten/Mum wasn't standing there when the invitation was made and no one realised she didn't know/wrong email address used or any reasonable assumption.

Far better to stew on it all night and then flounce from the WhatsApp group in a huff and then complain about it on mumsnet where no-one will possibly know the reasons.

But you do you, @Littlemissdisgruntled teach your children how not to interact as a reasonable person so they too can sulk and throw hissy fits when they choose.

notacooldad · 06/09/2023 08:44

Hiw can you you teach your kids to stand up for themselves when you wo t even fo it for them?
You would rather be angry and then sulk. Honestly, this is tbe behaviour of a hormonal teenager than a grown ass woman.
All you had to is ask either the group, the person who issued the invites or your closest friend in the group what was going on.

Grrrpredictivetex · 06/09/2023 08:45

.

NeedToChangeName · 06/09/2023 08:47

I think best to quietly ask one of the other Mums if they thought your kids were supposed to be invited

Two parties in a row, I'd be wondering if it's an issue with your children (sorry). There was a child in my DS's class who was quite often not invited to parties. His parents probably felt he had been harshly treated / excluded, but he bullied other kids and manipulated them

SurelyBassey · 06/09/2023 08:47

Strawberryboost · 06/09/2023 08:40

@LookItsMeAgain
you don’t have children do you?

Why are you being rude?
I think they made a valid point

EhrlicheFrau · 06/09/2023 08:50

Strawberryboost · 06/09/2023 08:36

Possibly worst advice I have ever read on mumsnet!!

Show quote history

Agreed, and any coach with even a few ounces of common sense would not get involved in this sort of somewhat petty debate!

Yellowlegobrick · 06/09/2023 08:51

I'd probably have texted someone (not the organiser) to say "hey, have we done something wrong? The team seem to have had a couple of parties but my boys seem to be the only ones not included".

My friend once did this and the other parent alerted her that her daughter had been bullying & quite unkind to others and she had no idea.

Tbh though - a lot of parents are complete thoughtless arseholes. A parent last yr had 14 out of 16 to an activity party. She was bemused that the parents of the two left out felt it was unpleasant for their DC to be excluded, her view was "but i could only book a group of 14".

It didn't occur to her at all that many people would have chosen to find something different to book that didn't leave out a small number of kids.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/09/2023 08:51

@Strawberryboost - that's a bit of a stretch. I've seen worse but I have bitten my tongue and not quoted it or pointed it out, but thanks for that.
@WandaWonder - Seriously, yes.
@Strawberryboost - I do have children, thank you.

Strawberryboost · 06/09/2023 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unicorn2022 · 06/09/2023 08:54

So many people on this thread saying it's just an admin error or a misunderstanding on the part of the OP and she shouldn't have reacted the way she did. It's never an admin error! It's two parties in close proximity to each other so there is clearly another WhatsApp group or separate conversations going on. I hate this sort of thing and am so glad my children are all teens and older now.

minipie · 06/09/2023 08:55

FFS just ask the party host OP. You’re already upset anyway so you have nothing to lose, and you might find out it was all an error.

Turtlegurl888 · 06/09/2023 08:55

I could see it being an admin error the first time around but surely if they'd meant to invite OPs kids they'd have noticed they weren't at the party and made sure to definitely include them in the invitation to the second party, check OP is in the possible separate WhatsApp group, whatever the case may be?

I agree I would have checked first before leaving the group though.

minipie · 06/09/2023 08:56

It's never an admin error!

Not true. As I said upthread it happened to me/my DD.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/09/2023 08:56

Just to point out that the OP specifically mentioned a 'team social gathering' (in the title of the thread) - that is why I suggested mentioning it to the coach.
They aren't socialising as a team.

I don't see this any differently to a parent excluding two kids from a school class event and others suggesting that they mention it to the teacher (which I've seen suggested on MN on countless occasions) when invites get sent out.

CurlewKate · 06/09/2023 08:57

I just asked DP who used to coach a sports team. He says that he would have been prepared to ask the mother at this age-particularly at the younger end because it sounds like some sort of mix up- but wouldn't have got involved if they were any older unless he had any suspicion of bullying.