Page 5 | Upset DC were excluded from team social gathering.

Littlemissdisgruntled · 2023-09-03T18:17:50+00:00

So my DS's are 5 and 7. The are in a sports team. There's 10 boys in the team in total. It was one of the other boys birthdays last week and unbeknown to me the mum organised a party for the team but didn't include my boys. I only found out about it as one of the mums mentioned it in the team WhatsApp group the day before (in error I'm guessing) and a few of the other mums replied making it obvious their child was going. The day after the party the social media post and photos with all the kids appear. AIBU that this has upset me. I know it's upto the mum who she invited but I could never do this. My boys are clueless so far, but I'm worried the chat at the next training day among the kids will be party related and they get upset that they missed out/weren't included.

PosterBoy · 06/09/2023 10:04

Hotflushesinthesunfun · 06/09/2023 09:55

That is what I meant, I wasn’t clear. Surely one of the two party parents would have asked OP as they hadn’t replied

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You mean like the second mum did?

IamnotSethRogan · 06/09/2023 10:12

You said "my kids haven't had parties since they've joined the team"

Does this mean they are fairly new additions? Obviously it socks that they haven't been included but is it that the rest of the team are all quite firm friends. Could it have been that the invites were distributed well I'm advance, possibly before your boys joined ?

adomizo · 06/09/2023 10:13

Honestly. This is just not worth worrying about. If it was a whole class party at school that's a different matter but this is a sports club..kids are al different ages. You don't know all the back stories of who knows who and how. Just rejoin the what's app group and don't give it any more thought. There will be soooo many more things like this and when they are older they have to navigate a lot more of this themselves. They need to be resilient and let a lot of stuff just wash over them. Just let it go and don't mention it to them..they will be none the wiser.

Disneydance · 06/09/2023 10:14

My son’s just done this and it was awful! He’s on a team and invited most of the team but left two children out. There was only limited numbers and he said he didn’t play with those children and they weren’t nice to him at school, so he didn’t want them at his party. It was the most awkward thing for me, but I didn’t want to force him to have people he didn’t want at his party and since I was paying per head it didn’t make sense to push them? I felt horrible for the lads who weren’t invited, but they’re not friends so it made sense from my child’s point of view

Deliana · 06/09/2023 10:19

OP, why would the mum post on WhstsApp about the party if you had been deliberately excluded?
It doesn't make sense.

Isn't it likely that this is a misunderstanding?
Talk to people and find out what's going on is my advice.

Tonightsthenight91 · 06/09/2023 10:20

Foul behaviour from them. I would 100% say something in a passive aggressive sort of way.

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/09/2023 10:21

Deliana · 06/09/2023 10:19

OP, why would the mum post on WhstsApp about the party if you had been deliberately excluded?
It doesn't make sense.

Isn't it likely that this is a misunderstanding?
Talk to people and find out what's going on is my advice.

Like this poster and others, I think the OP needs to ask.

Party exclusions pop up on here often enough for me to think they're more trouble than they're worth.

HoneyPotts · 06/09/2023 10:22

Some grownup woman take pleasure in excluding children. If that’s what gets them off then you and your children are better off being excluded from their toxicity.

Deliana · 06/09/2023 10:25

Disneydance · 06/09/2023 10:14

My son’s just done this and it was awful! He’s on a team and invited most of the team but left two children out. There was only limited numbers and he said he didn’t play with those children and they weren’t nice to him at school, so he didn’t want them at his party. It was the most awkward thing for me, but I didn’t want to force him to have people he didn’t want at his party and since I was paying per head it didn’t make sense to push them? I felt horrible for the lads who weren’t invited, but they’re not friends so it made sense from my child’s point of view

Yeah...I'd have maybe put my foot down there...children don't get to make decisions like this because they don't always have the experience and wisdom to get things right.

It does depend on how 'not nice ' they were being to DS of course. I totally understand why he wouldn't want bullies there, but otherwise, well, this is hardly likely to improve things for him at school is it?

clotheshorsegym · 06/09/2023 10:25

Grown women (often once they have children. ) can be awful bullies. They don’t see it as bullying and will justify their behaviour but it’s more common than you think. Distance yourself from these women and find new friends OP.

Nazzywish · 06/09/2023 10:28

Something doesn't add up OP , why did you leave the chat without taking the clear opportunity to ask, that was the perfect time to ask. Even now why not just msg the latest mum who asked and explain you thought they'd been left out so got upset but juet checking if in fact that's right. Just be upfront about it because by leaving the chat like that the others will think your being weird anyway and prob talking about why you've left when nothing was said etc etc.youve just made yourself look silly if anything by not even saying why or giving anyone a chance to explain which just result in your kids definitely being left out now as they may think your the one whose got a problem with them all about something.

Deliana · 06/09/2023 10:31

clotheshorsegym · 06/09/2023 10:25

Grown women (often once they have children. ) can be awful bullies. They don’t see it as bullying and will justify their behaviour but it’s more common than you think. Distance yourself from these women and find new friends OP.

Well check there hasn't been some mistake first for goodness sake!
I was left off my son's offical school messaging system in his second year. It was an error not a deliberate exclusion and was soon sorted out once I flagged it. Mistakes do happen. You need to check exactly what's going on here OP.

mindutopia · 06/09/2023 10:32

I think you're being a bit precious about this. It's perfectly okay to not invite every single child from a group to a party. Some children are friends, some are not. It could simply be that your children aren't close to these other children. Do you see each other outside of the team? Do you communicate with the parents one on one about other things? Do they even have your contact details? Sometimes parents (and children) just forget to include everyone. I left out two of a class of 12 last year until very near to the party, simply because I have absolutely no idea what everyone's names are and my 5 year old completely forgot about them when we were doing the invites.

But yes, it's a bit childish to leave a WhatsApp group over not being invited to a party. It really doesn't matter in the larger picture of things and now you have actually excluded your dc from the possibility of future invites and activities with the team by cutting off communication with other parents.

LadybirdStone · 06/09/2023 10:32

I would rejoin the group and post a message asking if there were any issues why your children were not being invited when everyone else was could they contact you directly so you are aware there is an issue for you to sort. Then fuck them if they are just being arseholes

DrDaedalus · 06/09/2023 10:44

Are you planning on saying something if you are asked why you left the chat? I recommend you keep it neutral and assertive.

This too shall pass. Your feeling are hurt, you will still spend time with these people. Try to rise above it.

It is a tough lesson to learn and quite unfair. I always told my DC it was up to them whom they invited or if they went to parties. Once committed they had to follow through, even if they got a better offer

Your boys aren't feeling left out (yet). As they still enjoying going, I would keep it breezy. If you are waiting for their friends to tell them, you need to be ready to deal with it is they are upset. This was not a social gathering, it was a party to be invited to.

My much older DC to decide on their own friendships. They are so fluid at this age. I still encouraged them to make the widest circle of friends they can. It was the main reason I encouraged them to join our of school activities. My DC hardly ever made friends with the parents I got on with best.

Welshmonster · 06/09/2023 10:49

maybe it was an open invitation as lots of people don’t bother sending out written invitations any more

just reply with yes and ask for the address

weirdoboelady · 06/09/2023 10:49

Thanks everyone for giving me consistent advice which I then ignored and did the opposite? I'm upset for your kids now as your stropping off will ensure they don't get invited to any more parties since presumably there is no way of contacting you or them!

itsmyp4rty · 06/09/2023 10:57

Is it possible the other women are in a bit of a mums clique that all just invite each others kids to everything? that would be my assumption. Who kids have over at primary is often more about what mums are friends IME.

Disneydance · 06/09/2023 11:12

Deliana · 06/09/2023 10:25

Yeah...I'd have maybe put my foot down there...children don't get to make decisions like this because they don't always have the experience and wisdom to get things right.

It does depend on how 'not nice ' they were being to DS of course. I totally understand why he wouldn't want bullies there, but otherwise, well, this is hardly likely to improve things for him at school is it?

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There was some pushing him over and stealing his stuff. Nothing terrible but enough he doesn’t want to play with them. He’s 12 so I think he’s old enough to make the decision himself and deal with the impact it may or may not have in school

Bleepbloopbluurp · 06/09/2023 11:13

It'll be an admin error. I'm on a group of parents of children in a friendship group. My child was having a party and wanted to invite those children plus a few others. So I made a separate group and guess what? I forgot to add everyone. A little bit later someone else used my party chat to do invites for their child's party and so replicated the error. In both cases we realised and contacted the omitted parent separately but these things happen.

You should reach out to the parent who said "can everyone still make it" saying "Rob and Ron didn't get the invite, sorry. Can you ping me the details and I'll check if they are free as I know they'd love to come. Thanks!". Job done.

Kazzybingbong · 06/09/2023 11:29

Horriblewoman · 05/09/2023 23:13

Why wouldn’t you reply to that message with a ‘oh sorry I might have missed that invite, just checking if that includes Bilbo and coleslaw?’ Rather than just leaving the group?

Bilbo and coleslaw 🤣 I would love a kid called coleslaw.

OP, I really feel for you. I thought this happened to my daughter and her friend once, me and the other mum were so upset for our kids and my daughter was so sad. Turns out it wasn’t a party at all and I’d just assumed it was. Obviously I’m not saying that’s the case here, but I totally understand how you feel.

My daughter has just left school to be home educated and only one of the mum friends has been texting regularly to ask about her and arrange play dates. It’s just sad when you realise people just don’t care about your kid.

Deliana · 06/09/2023 11:29

Disneydance · 06/09/2023 11:12

There was some pushing him over and stealing his stuff. Nothing terrible but enough he doesn’t want to play with them. He’s 12 so I think he’s old enough to make the decision himself and deal with the impact it may or may not have in school

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That does sound like very nasty behaviour to be fair. I can understand why he didn't want them there if that's the case.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2023 11:34

Disneydance · 06/09/2023 11:12

There was some pushing him over and stealing his stuff. Nothing terrible but enough he doesn’t want to play with them. He’s 12 so I think he’s old enough to make the decision himself and deal with the impact it may or may not have in school

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At secondary age, I totally agree even if it’s difficult for you as a parent. With a younger child, it is better to engineer a party to include other kids and maybe not so many from the team.

BluebellsRoses · 06/09/2023 11:50

I think I'd message that mum separately (using private reply from the WhatsApp group) and say that if she intended to invite all the children from the group (as implied by the message) you just wanted to let her know that she forgot to give you the invitation for your DCs.

Then leave it for her to be squirm/ ignore/ explain/ apologise or whatever. Her behaviour is unkind. We try to teach our children to be kind. She needs a nudge and you deserve to be heard, if you want to be. Obviously if it will just upset you more then you are probably better off leaving it. It's great that your sons seem happy anyway.

Luana1 · 06/09/2023 12:01

Deliana · 06/09/2023 10:25

Yeah...I'd have maybe put my foot down there...children don't get to make decisions like this because they don't always have the experience and wisdom to get things right.

It does depend on how 'not nice ' they were being to DS of course. I totally understand why he wouldn't want bullies there, but otherwise, well, this is hardly likely to improve things for him at school is it?

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Are you serious?! Of course a child can invite who they want to their birthday over about the age of 5. If they feel strongly enough that some isn't nice to them, why would you suggest that a child should invite someone who is possibly bullying them - even if just at a low level - to try and improve the situation? That's just rewarding bad behaviour and teaching your own child that their feelings are less important than the feelings of another random child's.