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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset DC were excluded from team social gathering.

222 replies

Littlemissdisgruntled · 03/09/2023 19:17

So my DS's are 5 and 7. The are in a sports team. There's 10 boys in the team in total. It was one of the other boys birthdays last week and unbeknown to me the mum organised a party for the team but didn't include my boys. I only found out about it as one of the mums mentioned it in the team WhatsApp group the day before (in error I'm guessing) and a few of the other mums replied making it obvious their child was going. The day after the party the social media post and photos with all the kids appear. AIBU that this has upset me. I know it's upto the mum who she invited but I could never do this. My boys are clueless so far, but I'm worried the chat at the next training day among the kids will be party related and they get upset that they missed out/weren't included.

OP posts:
minipie · 05/09/2023 23:46

I wonder if they’ve sent email invites but typed your email address wrong or something. And then the other mum used the same list. That genuinely happened to me. Only found out because I was thick skinned enough to ask whether DD was supposed to be invited or not. (Got forwarded the original mistyped email to prove it!)

buckeejit · 05/09/2023 23:52

Bold as brass & breezy as anything 'were Joe & Tom meant to get an invite or not as I've not seen anything - thanks'

Although birthday parties aren't team social gatherings exactly, I understand how hurtful this would be 💐

Someoneonlyyouknow · 06/09/2023 00:43

You have to message the party mum and just ask if you have missed your sons' invitation. No long agonising about it. Act like it doesn't matter either way

PrestonHood121 · 06/09/2023 01:04

“Mine weren’t invited” will send the message you need.

Original poster
Littlemissdisgruntled · 06/09/2023 06:35

I stewed for hours wanting to reply before I left the chat. In the end I decided to just leave instead of saying something out of anger.
The kids are oblivious to the exclusion so no harm done in that respect.
When in training the kids have 2 coaches and are never left alone. If any problems the coaches comes and get us, they wouldn't stand for bullying. I could ask them privately to keep an eye out.
I have asked my kids if everything is OK at training and if they are all still friends. I get a resounding yes still enjoying going and everyone is my friend.
I've definitely not missed messages regarding the parties.
My DC haven't had parties since they joined the team to invite the others along to as yet.

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 06/09/2023 06:40

minipie · 05/09/2023 23:46

I wonder if they’ve sent email invites but typed your email address wrong or something. And then the other mum used the same list. That genuinely happened to me. Only found out because I was thick skinned enough to ask whether DD was supposed to be invited or not. (Got forwarded the original mistyped email to prove it!)

It's almost bound to be some kind of admin error.

I can't believe you are too passive to just ask, and prefer to bitch on mn rather than just have a quick chat with them to check.

Original poster
Littlemissdisgruntled · 06/09/2023 06:40

We don't have each others emails. All communication has been on WhatsApp or face to face.
Other than asking the coaches if my kids are being difficult I'm done with it now. I was willing to have a moan and sulk for a while over the first party, but a second in such close proximity tipped me over the edge.
I'm out the chat and I won't be grtting upset seeing my kids being excluded.
Thanks everyone

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 06/09/2023 07:40

Wow!

Surely the obvious is that someone set up a different whatsapp to stop spamming the team group with all the socials/who can give lifts/meet ups and you weren't added, by mistake?

I can't believe a grown woman would behave this way - all to avoid asking if their child has been invited.

The first party, from your op, sure it might be that your kids weren't invited. But talking about the second party so soon after the first - why would you assume you are being snubbed? It's so unlikely as an option!

shearwater · 06/09/2023 07:44

I would have Whatsapped her separately to see if DC were invited. Sounds like an admin error rather than deliberate, but now you won't know as you've flounced.

CurlewKate · 06/09/2023 07:47

It's almost always cock up not conspiracy! Just ask. If it's cock up, it can be sorted out. If it's conspiracy you'll be prepared.

CurlewKate · 06/09/2023 07:49

I mean- if it's deliberate, they're not going to chat about the parties on a group WhatsApp, are they?

HappiestSleeping · 06/09/2023 07:51

Sorry OP, in the nicest possible way, leaving the group has now made it awkward for the other mums if it does turn out to be an admin error as it will be difficult to reintegrate.

I am definitely of the opinion that a direct message to the mum of party number two to say something along the lines of "can I just check that neither I or my children have done anything to upset anyone as there have no beenn two parties that they've been excluded from. I know not everyone can always be invited to every party, but if there is a problem, I'd prefer to know so that we can sort it out." Something like that anyway.

Mouselemur · 06/09/2023 07:55

Yanbu op. I hope it is just an over sight and not someone just deliberately leaving your kids out.
Its very easy for others to say just ask outright, but not everyone is confident enough to do that and it could make it very awkward going forward.
How do these parents act towards you when you’re at the activity? I’d use this as an indicator of whether it was deliberate or not. Also you say your kids haven’t had a party yet, is that because you haven’t been there that long?

hopeishere · 06/09/2023 08:00

Leaving the group has made it more awkward. How will you know about stuff related to the activity now? We had a mum flounce off our class WA and the rep then always had to separately tell her about relevant stuff.

A polite message like the ones suggested above would have been better.

Outilondon · 06/09/2023 08:02

I would mention it to one of the other mums - the one you are closest to (there must be someone you’ve known longer, chat to more or share lifts with). See what they think, if there’s an issue with your kids they could likely tell you, or if they don’t know they might be prepared to ask one of the party giving mums on your behalf

CaroleSinger · 06/09/2023 08:07

It does seem a bit of a missed opportunity. You won't see it but there really are ways in which this could just be a simple misunderstanding but now you're never going to find out and won't get any future invites anyway. It doesn't necessarily mean it's being done to be hurtful, but leaving the group without even questioning it will now inevitably cause an atmosphere. What's going to happen at the classes now? Are you just going to sit at the other end seething while the rest of them probably just think you're being stand offish? What has your own involvement in the group been like? Do you get involved in the chat and put yourself out there? I just think by leaving without even telling anyone why you're upset there's going to be an awkward atmosphere when you are at the venue in future.

Strawberryboost · 06/09/2023 08:09

Do they all go to the same school?

CaroleSinger · 06/09/2023 08:10

Mouselemur · 06/09/2023 07:55

Yanbu op. I hope it is just an over sight and not someone just deliberately leaving your kids out.
Its very easy for others to say just ask outright, but not everyone is confident enough to do that and it could make it very awkward going forward.
How do these parents act towards you when you’re at the activity? I’d use this as an indicator of whether it was deliberate or not. Also you say your kids haven’t had a party yet, is that because you haven’t been there that long?

It's probably going to be even more awkward going forward now though. She still has to see these mums at the event and most of them probably won't have a clue what the problem is.

Autumnleaves4 · 06/09/2023 08:14

You should definitely have confronted the parents on the what’s app and asked why your children are the only ones not invited and did they realise how hurtful this was to both you and them. It’s not acceptable for people to behave like this and by leaving the group you have let them get away with it guilt free.

Strawberryboost · 06/09/2023 08:16

Autumnleaves4 · 06/09/2023 08:14

You should definitely have confronted the parents on the what’s app and asked why your children are the only ones not invited and did they realise how hurtful this was to both you and them. It’s not acceptable for people to behave like this and by leaving the group you have let them get away with it guilt free.

Talk about bull in a china shop response and completely unnecessary for such a confrontational and drama llama-ish approach

Blendiful · 06/09/2023 08:17

Agree it would have been better to call them out. A message back saying, I am not sure if I have missed and invite somewhere but this is now the second party only my children have been excluded from, very hurtful and no one seems to have had the guts to speak to me to tell me why. If someone could tell me what the problem is I would be grateful as I need to decide whether this group is now right for my children to be attending.

And seen what people say. Agree with the above poster they now get away with it slightly and no one has to say anything.

Strawberryboost · 06/09/2023 08:18

Just a “oh is this something my two invited to? Sorry to ask but worried might have missed an invite in kit bag and you may think I’ve not bothered to RSVP!”

YouHoooo · 06/09/2023 08:20

What a silly reaction.

It really does sound like an admin error. But if you want to get a reputation for being difficult and therefore missing out on fiture invites, you’re doing the right thing.

IdealisticCynic · 06/09/2023 08:23

If the second mum asked if “everyone” can still make it, on a group chat she knows you are on, then it’s much more likely than not that your children were invited.

I think leaving the group rather than messaging either publicly or privately something like “Sorry, not sure what this is about, have I missed something?” is a bit silly.

RoadLess · 06/09/2023 08:23

sillyuniforms · 05/09/2023 23:19

This

Show quote history

Yes, absolutely. (And I’m delighted by the idea of children called Bilbo and Coleslaw.)

There’s absolutely zero point in constructing speculative explanations for why the children may not have been invited, and deciding it’s ‘exclusion’ rather than an oversight, or misunderstanding, one of your children being disruptive etc. Find out, and then decide how to respond.

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