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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sleep in my bedroom?

239 replies

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:19

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping. I really need a careful regime of reading etc to help me drop off. However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

By the time the kids are settled and I am ready ( like 10pm not massively late) he is in bed asleep with the light off. I am then stuck with my need for my own bed time routine.

So I end up stuck on the sofa bad - which is ok but not as comfy as my bed. I have suggested we take turns downstairs but DH just said I need to join him if I want my bed.

So AIBU for wanting to be able to sleep in my own room? Or does my insomnia/ difficulties mean o am now permanently on the sofa bed

OP posts:
TwoBlueFish · 02/09/2023 23:21

Could you get a backlit kindle to read on? I do this every night as I like to read but DH wants to go to sleep.

scrantonelectriccity · 02/09/2023 23:23

Why can't you do your bedtime routine and get into bed with him? Just ask him to not turn the light outs

NameChangeEmbarressed · 02/09/2023 23:23

I'd buy DH a sleep mask and ear plugs so you don't disturb him. Then a kindle if you can afford it, a clip on light if you can't

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/09/2023 23:26

Get a small night light you can attach to your book or the pillow behind your head and crack on. If he’s fast asleep it won’t wake him.

Or the backlit kindle.

Don’t spend another night on the sofa. If the tiny light wakes him up politely suggest he makes his way to the sofa himself.

808KateO · 02/09/2023 23:27

What about one of those wee clip-on book lights?

HamishTheCamel · 02/09/2023 23:27

What does your bedtime routine involve? I say just get on with it?

Whoknowswhatanymore · 02/09/2023 23:28

Why isn’t he doing his share of bedtime routines with the children? You must be exhausted if you’re doing it all of the time and then having no time to settle down yourself in your own bedroom! I think you need to have a serious chat with him about roles and responsibilities! Shared children, shared duties!

WhatAPalaverer · 02/09/2023 23:28

Kindle paperwhite. And an eye mask for him if he wants.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/09/2023 23:29

Why does he get to opt out of bedtime duties?

Also surely if the kids are old enough to go to bed at 10pm they don't need you overseeing them?

Original poster
Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:29

I just want to get into pjamas find my pillow, clean my teeth ( in the en suite) without creeping around in the dark.

I’m just not ready to do this at 8pm. I also would like him to not opt out of kids bedtimes too

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 02/09/2023 23:30

Why on earth is he heading to bed so early, does he do shift work?

tillyandmilly · 02/09/2023 23:30

Get your own bedroom !

LittleFroglets · 02/09/2023 23:31

However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

^^ thats the problem, not your routine. You are fixating on the wrong bit.

Original poster
Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:33

tillyandmilly · 02/09/2023 23:30

Get your own bedroom !

I absolutely do, preferably my own home but I just cannot afford it.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 02/09/2023 23:35

I too am wondering why he is going to bed so early.
I think it is relevant.
If he is a baker or something and gets up at 4am every day, then that is different from if he is just 'opting out of bedtime'.

Either way, I still don't see why you can't just go to bed and read with a small light.
I'm not a fan of en-suites for this sort of reason as well as other reasons BUT it can't be that hard to keep your toothbrush in the family bathroom, so I don't see that as being much of an issue.

Purditnin · 02/09/2023 23:37

However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

Why are you allowing him to skip his turn?

Rewis · 02/09/2023 23:38

Unless he has a reason to get up that early just do your routine and sleep in your bed. 10pm is not too late even if it wakes him up. Obviously if he has to be at work at 4am then it's fair to let him sleep

Bibbitybobbitty · 02/09/2023 23:41

Dh is almost always in bed before me, I still pop the light on & read before sleeping. Could you not do this?
Not sure why you DH isn't pulling his weight with kids bedtime though.

ChimneyPot · 02/09/2023 23:41

Get a second toothbrush and put it in the family bathroom and keep another pair of pjs outside the bedroom too. If I go to bed when DH is asleep or he does when I am we get ready outside the bedroom and don’t wake each other up.

Opting out of his childcare responsibilities is a different matter though and needs to be discussed.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/09/2023 23:41

This is nuts.

Why are you allowing or complying with any of this?

Go into your bedroom and get ready for bed
If you disturb him so fucking what? He disturbed your entirely evening by not bothering to show up and be a parent...

What is the rest of your married life like?

Stompythedinosaur · 02/09/2023 23:41

I'm sorry, but I think it's more reasonable to expect you to use a phone light or similar to brush your teeth and get into bed than it is to expect him to have his bedtime dictated.

Obviously he's unreasonable to go to bed early without discussion if he was meant to be doing bedtime.

Createausername1970 · 02/09/2023 23:46

I go to bed earlier than DH, but I leave his bedside light on. Its one that can be angled, so it's not shining on me. I don't have any difficulty going to sleep with this dim light on, and it's enough light to allow him to see to get undressed etc.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 02/09/2023 23:46

My DH keeps a toothbrush in the family bathroom so he doesn't wake me if he comes to bed late. He can find his way around with the light from his phone (just the screen not the torch). I do the same on the rare occasion I'm last to bed.
But if he's opting out of his responsibilities, why are you being a martyr? Grab your PJ's take them into the bathroom and get ready for bed. Then go to bed. Not the bloody sofa.

FedUpOfAllThisBollocks · 02/09/2023 23:49

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/09/2023 23:41

This is nuts.

Why are you allowing or complying with any of this?

Go into your bedroom and get ready for bed
If you disturb him so fucking what? He disturbed your entirely evening by not bothering to show up and be a parent...

What is the rest of your married life like?

Agree with this ⬆️⬆️

BasiliskStare · 02/09/2023 23:49

I would just have a bedside lamp you can put on without putting on all the lights so you can find pyjamas etc , He can get a sleep mask - he could do his turn with children's bedtime ( big point) but kindle paper white if you can afford one is fantastic for reading without disturbing partner. Before 10pm I don't think cleaning teeth etc is at all unreasonable. Also you could put your pillow in place early doors - but unless DH has to get up ridiculously early I am not sure a little moving around in the bedroom is unreasonable. Is he going to bed early to get out of DC's bedtime routine ? I think a conversation about compromise would be on my list here