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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sleep in my bedroom?

239 replies

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:19

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping. I really need a careful regime of reading etc to help me drop off. However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

By the time the kids are settled and I am ready ( like 10pm not massively late) he is in bed asleep with the light off. I am then stuck with my need for my own bed time routine.

So I end up stuck on the sofa bad - which is ok but not as comfy as my bed. I have suggested we take turns downstairs but DH just said I need to join him if I want my bed.

So AIBU for wanting to be able to sleep in my own room? Or does my insomnia/ difficulties mean o am now permanently on the sofa bed

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 03/09/2023 08:57

Shinyandnew1 · 03/09/2023 08:27

Sorry, but you need to find your pillow? Where do you keep it?!

Show quote history

😂

Septemberdaysarehere · 03/09/2023 08:57

Whoknowswhatanymore · 02/09/2023 23:28

Why isn’t he doing his share of bedtime routines with the children? You must be exhausted if you’re doing it all of the time and then having no time to settle down yourself in your own bedroom! I think you need to have a serious chat with him about roles and responsibilities! Shared children, shared duties!

this

8.30 pm is him checking out

Dentistlakes · 03/09/2023 09:04

Why can’t you read in another room and then go to bed? The room needs to be dark to get restful sleep, so I can see why he doesn’t want lights left on.

Going to bed that ear is a different matter as is leaving the bedtime routine to you alone. Unless there’s a good reason for it, he needs to take his turn.

DorasAuntie · 03/09/2023 09:05

Why is your H going to bed at 8pm?
That is not normal unless he works shifts.

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping.

Can you explain?
Poor sleep shouldn't be age related. If you can't sleep, at any age, that needs addressing as there will be reasons.

If you are still getting the kids to bed, that implies they are young and you are too.

But the main point is he's opting out of family life by 8pm
Why?

itsmyp4rty · 03/09/2023 09:15

If he's going to bed at 8:30 what time are the kids going to bed? I think you need to remind him that it's his turn before he goes off to bed. Then quit tip toeing around in the dark, just put the lights on and do what you need to do, have a lamp on your side so you can read.

If he doesn't like it then he needs to go to bed at a reasonable time and not at a child's bedtime - unless this is a massive drip feeds and he works shifts/has an illness that makes him very tired.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 03/09/2023 09:15

It sounds as of you have bigger problems than sleeping on a sofa bed tbh.
Going to bed that early, on a regular basis, isn’t “normal” unless there are health issues involved. (I assume you would have mentioned in the OP if there was shift work involved) Have you checked if he’s ok?
You needing a bedtime routine to sleep, is no more/ less important than him needing to go to bed early.
You need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk about what you BOTH need right now.
I could have written your post, a few years ago, but from the other side. I was the one going to bed early (health issues) but I desperately wanted my husband to come and cuddle up when he did finally decide to go to bed. But he chose to sleep on the sofa “rather than disturb me”. Neither of us communicated what we needed from each other. We are now divorced. Communicate with him. He’s the only one who can tell you what he’s thinking, because none of us know.

Ohyesreally · 03/09/2023 09:19

Sloping off at 8:30pm to get out of his parental responsibilities? Who the F does he think he is? Only mitigating circumstance for going to bed that early is if he's sick (not just a cold!) or has to get up at 4am for work!

Do you check on him? He's probably reading or on his phone for an hour, chilling out while you're downstairs doing all the donkey work.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2023 09:27

So many things wrong here

Why is dh going to bed early and not helping with kids

What age are kids - if they need to be put to bed then they are youngish and def bed before 10pm. More like 8

If he's asleep put a small light on and change into pjs and read

You could use other bathroom to do teeth /wee if that disturbs him

Equally tough as he's esa sound parenting duties UNLESS he works shifts and up at 4am for example

gogomoto · 03/09/2023 09:31

I recommend audio books/podcasts for insomnia - I have had issues since early 40's and they work pretty well, listen to something you are interested in for 30 minutes then put on something more tedious and off you drop to sleep. If I wake in the night, I put the boring one back on (bbc in our time is my go to)

lionsleepstonight · 03/09/2023 09:32

LittleFroglets · 02/09/2023 23:31

However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

^^ thats the problem, not your routine. You are fixating on the wrong bit.

100%

DragonFly98 · 03/09/2023 09:35

You are being ridiculous keep your pillow on your bed like a normal person and either shut door and change and do teeth in ensuite or if that wakes dh leave your tooth brush and pjs in the fanily bathroom.

DragonFly98 · 03/09/2023 09:35

And use a kindle

pollykitty · 03/09/2023 09:35

My husband is the same (goes to bed early) and is also capable of falling asleep anywhere, instantly. We have slept in separate bedrooms for years. I cannot even fathom sharing a bedroom anymore, the only time we do is on holiday when our schedules are more in sync. The thing is, I slept alone (and so did he) for most of my life. We didn’t meet until our late 30s. I find it weird that society expects couples to lovingly fall into each others arms every night on half a bed after sleeping alone their whole adult life. I reckon we’d have divorced ages ago if we slept in the same bed.

Monster80 · 03/09/2023 09:35

New rule: whoever puts the kids to bed gets the sofa bed. Job done. Means you each get a perfect nights sleep every other day.

OhNoForever · 03/09/2023 09:36

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:29

I just want to get into pjamas find my pillow, clean my teeth ( in the en suite) without creeping around in the dark.

I’m just not ready to do this at 8pm. I also would like him to not opt out of kids bedtimes too

Just put a lamp on. He is unreasonable for going to bed to get out of bed time!

Phos · 03/09/2023 09:39

I don’t see why couples have to go to bed the same time? DH sometimes comes to bed before me if I’m gaming (once a week usually) and I will often come up first (and fall asleep on my book). Neither of us mind the other coming in, getting their pjs on and hopping in. Does your husband struggle to get back to sleep if you come in after him?

Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 09:42

YANBU

Unless you’re a SAHP and your DH needs to get up really early for work then you should be taking in turns to put the kids to bed.

Your routine is irrelevant.
You can brush your teeth quietly or use the other bathroom but him not putting the kids to bed is not ok.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/09/2023 09:48

I don’t think the kids are going to bed at 10pm! I think OP is saying once they’re in bed and she’s ready, it’s 10pm – ie she’s settling the kids, clearing up, resetting the house, doing all the things her DH is getting out of by sneaking off to bed – and in bay case she’s not ready for bed before then. And she hasn’t asked for sleep routines for her kids…

He needs to do his share of household stuff. OP needs to put a tracker on her pillow. No one needs to put a light on and barge in on someone already asleep, but he wouldn’t already be asleep if he stayed up to do his share of the kids/house.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2023 09:49

The only thing wrong is that he opted out of bedtime.

he's just as entitled to have his own bedtime routine as you are. He isn't entitled to opt out of the children's bedtime to facilitate that.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 03/09/2023 09:55

If there's no reason for him going to bed so early (e.g. he's a long distance lorry driver and has to be up at 2am) then I'd just crack on with your bedtime routine. In your own en suite, in your own bed.

Opting out of bedtime with the children isn't on, neither is expecting you to sleep on the sofa bed (unless there are real reasons as above)

Thatsridiculous · 03/09/2023 09:59

If my DH went to bed early as a one off I would be as quiet as I could to let him sleep - I would know that he was shattered if he went to bed at 8.30pm.

If he did it every night and left me to put the kids to bed I would do the following:

  • put on a side light and get ready for bed quietly, but not tip toeing around. I would use the en suite as normal and read my book as normal. It’s 10pm not the middle of the night.
  • I would ask him why the fuck he is going to bed so early and opting out of family life?
  • Eventually this would lead me to wonder why the hell I was with him and leave.

I bet after writing all of that the OP comes back and say he starts work at 4am or he is ill!!!

WandaWonder · 03/09/2023 09:59

SoupDragon · 03/09/2023 09:49

The only thing wrong is that he opted out of bedtime.

he's just as entitled to have his own bedtime routine as you are. He isn't entitled to opt out of the children's bedtime to facilitate that.

Exactly this

fearfuloffluff · 03/09/2023 10:13

Phos · 03/09/2023 09:39

I don’t see why couples have to go to bed the same time? DH sometimes comes to bed before me if I’m gaming (once a week usually) and I will often come up first (and fall asleep on my book). Neither of us mind the other coming in, getting their pjs on and hopping in. Does your husband struggle to get back to sleep if you come in after him?

If I go to sleep before DH is up in bed, most of the time I wake when he comes in and can't go back to sleep.

Stravaig · 03/09/2023 10:16

If he's going to bed at 8.30 because he has an early shift then sort out separate sleeping spaces if you can, and juggle chores to ensure he's still doing his share of housework and parenting.

If he's going to bed early and he's actually sleeping for 10, 11, 12 hours then he needs to see his GP for a check up, that's not normal and a sudden change.

If he's 'going to bed early' but actually gaming, or watching porn, hell, even reading the Bible, instead of participating in family life, then LTB.

Purditnin · 03/09/2023 14:21

gannett · 03/09/2023 08:41

Why are so many responses in these threads along the lines of "I would do something incredibly passive-aggressive, or just straight-up aggressive, that makes it clear how much I hate my partner" rather than "I would have an adult conversation about what I need and what he needs and find a compromise with the person I've chosen to marry and have kids with"?

Just... talk... to... him.

It’s always like that on here. It’s fascinating how few people see a straightforward conversation as the most obvious way forward.