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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sleep in my bedroom?

239 replies

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:19

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping. I really need a careful regime of reading etc to help me drop off. However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

By the time the kids are settled and I am ready ( like 10pm not massively late) he is in bed asleep with the light off. I am then stuck with my need for my own bed time routine.

So I end up stuck on the sofa bad - which is ok but not as comfy as my bed. I have suggested we take turns downstairs but DH just said I need to join him if I want my bed.

So AIBU for wanting to be able to sleep in my own room? Or does my insomnia/ difficulties mean o am now permanently on the sofa bed

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 03/09/2023 17:14

It's a bit confusing that you are "of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping" yet have dc that are clearly young enough to need to "settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time".

However, until the OP comes back to answer all of the questions, and the points people have made, we are all just speculating.

billy1966 · 03/09/2023 17:17

Why are you allowing him to avoid sharing the load?

Turn the light on and carry on getting ready for bed as normal.

Clearly you have a selfish twat on your hands.

DysmalRadius · 03/09/2023 17:32

Purditnin · 03/09/2023 14:21

It’s always like that on here. It’s fascinating how few people see a straightforward conversation as the most obvious way forward.

Show quote history

I am the opposite - I always assume that the OP has had at least one, and usually several, conversations that haven't yielded results as otherwise they wouldn't be at the stage of asking for help online.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/09/2023 17:34

If he's going to bed and turning lights out while you are dealing with kids bedtimes, he's a CF, and consequently I'd have no problem with turning the light back on and doing whatever I needed to in, order to get ready for bed. If he's that tired, he'll sleep through it anyway.
I get really annoyed when DH does this ( although he sometimes has good reason as he does shifts, and we don't have small children) . It's quite rude to leave the room in darkness when you know the other person has to get ready for bed and for the next day. He could leave a light on so that you are not stumbling around in the dark. He could say " I'm going to bed in a minute, is there anything you need to do before that?" He could offer to participate in the evenings tasks ( like DC bedtime) so that you get to go to bed earlier if you wanted to, or have time to do your pre-bed jobs before he goes to bed. But he's not doing any of that, so he doesn't deserve consideration from you.
I'm much older than you, and I can tell you that I've toughened up over the years. My helpfulness and consideration of other people and their feelings/sleep/whatever is directly related to their helpfulness and consideration of me.
No need for. you to put up with this sort of selfishness, just carry on doing what works for you, turn the light on!

Purditnin · 03/09/2023 19:52

DysmalRadius · 03/09/2023 17:32

I am the opposite - I always assume that the OP has had at least one, and usually several, conversations that haven't yielded results as otherwise they wouldn't be at the stage of asking for help online.

Show quote history

I used to do this, but it was almost never the case.

MarvellousMonsters · 04/09/2023 18:32

"However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)"

This is the real issue. He's not parenting, he's living like a single man with no responsibilities. If he is unwell or has spoken to you and you've agreed to be exclusively responsible for the children etc in the evening, then these early bedtimes of his are fun. However if he's not unwell and you've not agreed to solo-parent in the evenings then his behaviour is unreasonable and selfish.

Gingernan · 04/09/2023 18:39

I think, tough if you wake him up, he hadn't pulled his weight with the kids and you no doubt need some relaxing time of your own before going to bed.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2023 18:43

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:29

I just want to get into pjamas find my pillow, clean my teeth ( in the en suite) without creeping around in the dark.

I’m just not ready to do this at 8pm. I also would like him to not opt out of kids bedtimes too

Well yes the him going to bed at 8 to avoid parenting is the issue imo.

But personally I'd come in, put the en suite light on so you can have a wash etc, get dressed in there, then use a night light or small bedside light.

Why do you need to find your pillow? Does he hide it?

Can the kids go up to bed earlier so he does the first part?

Elliecat7 · 04/09/2023 18:43

Remove the current bed you both sleep in and replace it with two twin beds. When it’s time for you to go to bed, turn on the lights and get ready as if he wasn’t there at all. Your problem is solved, now he has a turn to be irritated instead of you. When it’s his turn for the kids, go to bed before he does. Good night!

blahblahblah1654 · 04/09/2023 18:44

He's opting out of parenting. That's the issue.

Maatandosiris · 04/09/2023 18:48

I would just go in switch on the light, brush your teeth and read your book. Your DH can learn to be a parent

ZadocPDederick · 04/09/2023 18:50

If I go to bed early, I leave the bedside light on DH's side on, and he does the same. He will be quiet when he comes to bed but won't tiptoe around, and will turn the light off when he's ready to sleep. That works fine for us. Suggest to your husband that he does the same.

Sennelier1 · 04/09/2023 19:13

So to your husband your home is more like a B&B, where he retires to his room after being fed? From now on, no more of that. He can go to bed AFTER he has helped cleaning the kitchen after the evening meal ánd settling the children. Only then will you allow His Oblivious Highness to retire.

Solonge · 04/09/2023 19:16

Get single beds….we opted for different rooms! It works! Then discovered once I brought the subject up 7 couples who are good friends have done the same due to incompatible bed routines.

extramile · 04/09/2023 19:20

Just turn the bedside table lamp on and crack on with your own routine.

jeaux90 · 04/09/2023 19:21

You don't have a bedtime routine problem, you have a DH problem.

Does he opt out of parenting all the time?

suburbophobe · 04/09/2023 19:22

Thank fuck I'm divorced. Long story, lots of abuse.

At least I can get into my own bed when I want to...

Sorry OP you are going through that. I hope you find a solution.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/09/2023 19:38

So just do your routine at your, perfectly reasonable, time. Put the light on.

If he wants to share the bedroom with you, he needs to accommodate a normal bedtime routine.

mrsm43s · 04/09/2023 19:51

Children that are young enough to need putting to bed, should be in bed sleeping before 8.30pm! You should both share turns of night waking if they're babies (and you're not breastfeeding).

I think that it's unreasonable to wake a sleeping partner for no reason, and tooth brushing and changing into pyjamas can be done in the family bathroom, and just ask him to pop your pillow outside the door when he goes to bed so that you know where it is and can bring it in with you (not really too sure of "finding my pillow" as a concept - but presumably that would work). Then you just slip into bed quietly, and read with a kindle paperwhite or a book lamp if that's what you like.

Nothing wrong with going to bed early if that's what you need to feel well rested.

LuluBlakey1 · 04/09/2023 19:52

I sleep badly but am going to have to try to adjust because have started working full-time. I go to bed, usually, much later than DH who is sound asleep when I go up. He isn't bothered by the ensuite light but I tend to get ready in the laundry room downstairs. Go to the loo, get undressed, clothes in washer, put clean nightwear on , clean teeth down there and then go up to bed. Sometimes he leaves me little notes inviting me to wake him up in particular ways but I usually ignore them.
I slept for less than 2 hours last night- just wide awake until 4am and woke at 5.45am which was when I get up. Am shattered tonight after first day back which was really busy. Feel like I could sleep for hours but I know I won't. I will suddenly pep up about 9pm and need to occupy myself.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 04/09/2023 19:55

Get him on the sofa bed!

ChrisConary · 04/09/2023 19:59

Snap the lights on, do what you need to do, and settle into your bed in your room. If your DH wakes, that is his problem, not yours.

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 04/09/2023 20:03

I'm in bed by 8.30pm . I get up at 5.30am and not home until 4pm so by the time I've done dinner , washed up and sat and watched a couple episodes of what I want I'm ready for bed.
DH on the other hand goes to bed about 11.30pm -12am and he quietly goes to bed . In OUR bed , he doesn't matyr himself . He gets into bed gently, most of the time I wake but I'm so tired I go back to sleep .
Get in your bed , just don't make a song and dance , brush your teeth earlier. The en suite can't be the only bathroom in the house, use that one

Silvers11 · 04/09/2023 20:04

@Gorgeouscombes

Get your toothbrush, toothpaste, PJ's etc out of the bedroom when he goes to bed.

Get him to leave your bedside light on when he puts his one off and get him to use an eye mask. You can get some really comfortable ones. Then when you are ready to go to bed, clean your teeth in the kitchen or bathroom, get into you PJ's and get into your bed.

It's what we do here and it works pretty well....

DrDaedalus · 04/09/2023 20:04

How old are the DC?

One parent cannot opt out of bedtime if you have agreed to share it. Parents do not go to bed before their young children.

If he is asleep by 8.30pm I assume he is well rested and can do mornings. You can creep around at night. He can do the same in the morning, allowing you to rest or sleep. He can bathe the DC and supervise them getting their things ready for the next day.

Get a Kindle to read in bed. You can change brightness levels or use an app on your phone. I wear an eye mask because DH likes to watch stuff on his tablet and the flickering light disturbs me. If I'm asleep first, him putting the light on won't bother me.

What else are they opting out of? Who cooks the evening meal and clears up?