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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sleep in my bedroom?

239 replies

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:19

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping. I really need a careful regime of reading etc to help me drop off. However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

By the time the kids are settled and I am ready ( like 10pm not massively late) he is in bed asleep with the light off. I am then stuck with my need for my own bed time routine.

So I end up stuck on the sofa bad - which is ok but not as comfy as my bed. I have suggested we take turns downstairs but DH just said I need to join him if I want my bed.

So AIBU for wanting to be able to sleep in my own room? Or does my insomnia/ difficulties mean o am now permanently on the sofa bed

OP posts:
knobkopf · 05/09/2023 13:17

The first question is why exactly is he going to bed so early?
Does he have to get up for work very early - eg. 4 am?
Or is he deliberately doing this to avoid the family bedtime routine? Checking out of caring for his own children?
Or is he really knackered and there is a possible medical reason for this?

When it's his turn to do bedtime and you see him sloping off to bed, what do you say to him? Hey DH it's your turn to do bedtime, so you'll need to do that first before you go to bed.
Or do you just not say anything and let him get on with it?

The fact you say "preferably my own home but I can't afford it" is very telling. What else is going on here?

spitefulandbadgrammar · 05/09/2023 13:40

No, the first question is WHERE is OP keeping her pillow?!

horseyhorsey17 · 05/09/2023 13:44

It's weird that he's going to bed at 8pm. I think that's unreasonable unless he's ill or a shift worker. If you don't have tiny babies, you don't need to be creeping round your own house at 8pm.

I'd just go about my normal routine and he can lump it. Although personally I hate sharing a bed so would rather be on the sofa bed anyway - but if that's not comfy, can you get a better one or even put some kind of nice day bed in there for yourself?

RampantIvy · 05/09/2023 13:59

MumLass · 05/09/2023 12:05

This would massively annoy me. Just as you're getting sleep you have to get up, put lights out, get into a cold side of the bed. I'd be wide awake again when I got to bed.

Show quote history

I agree. It simply isn't the same as reading in bed.

dahliadream · 05/09/2023 14:00

This is a really interesting thread for me. My husband goes to bed REALLY early, as soon as we have put our little one to bed (which we do together). I then potter round and go to bed when I'm ready, and often just read my backlit kindle in bed or browse on my phone until 10ish. Never thought it was an issue. Sometimes I ask him to leave the light on for me but mostly I don't bother because I know where my pajamas are. I hadn't thought him going to bed early was a problem but this thread suggests its unusual. He isn't a very good sleeper and often gives up and rises early and starts work (5am or earlier if he wants a run first.)

lancashirebornandbred · 05/09/2023 14:16

get him to go to sleep with your bedside light on. He can always face in the other direction. Then when you get to bed you can read by that light. I assume switching it off won’t wake him. And if it does that’s his problem.

Orquid · 05/09/2023 14:35

Don’t you have a reading light each? i sometimes go to bed early while DH reads

ChiccoBanana · 05/09/2023 14:38

If he is going to bed before the kids it is within your rights to turn on a bedside light to get into bed / clean your teeth etc. His bedtime is the antisocial one. If he was going to bed after the kids it would be different (maybe)

CherryMaDeara · 05/09/2023 15:02

lancashirebornandbred · 05/09/2023 14:16

get him to go to sleep with your bedside light on. He can always face in the other direction. Then when you get to bed you can read by that light. I assume switching it off won’t wake him. And if it does that’s his problem.

I’m guessing he complains about any light, including iPad / Kindle screen light.

RecycleMePlease · 05/09/2023 15:29

Christ - do you want to be my wife?

ex used to come to bed at midnight plus, crash around, turning lights on, waking me up (I had to be up again at 6 to get the kids ready for school - he didn't do the mornings or the evenings - one of the reasons he's an ex)

Then, get miffed that I wasn't up for sex or if I was too noisy in the morning getting the kids ready.

Shut the bathroom door and turn the light on and do your teeth etc. Make an effort, to be quiet, but don't creep around at 10pm in your own bedroom every night!

caveat - if he's up at 4:30 to look after farm animals, get him an eyemask and earplugs.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/09/2023 16:19

That's ridiculous
Either
A bedside lamp with a dimmer setting
A motion sensor lighting strip in the bathroom
Phone torch
Kindle with back light
He needs to pull his weight with the DC
Can I ask if he's unwell or has a disability as this is extremely early?

WarmButteryCrumpets · 05/09/2023 18:56

Start going to bed even earlier than him so he has to deal with the kids' bedtime. You'll only need to do it a few times before he gets the message

Tina8800 · 05/09/2023 19:53

You clearly have bigger problems than his early bedtime.

My husband often goes to bed early, but not for a second think about not going to bed with him.
I turn on the light, get my pyjamas on and get to bed. He isn't bothered but even if he was, I won't care. I want to sleep next to my husband.

UsingChangeofName · 05/09/2023 20:28

@Gorgeouscombes Are you not going to return to your thread to answer any of the questions ?

Devora13 · 05/09/2023 21:34

I think you need Relate rather than Mumsnet.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 05/09/2023 21:36

Tomorrow night jump into bed before him. He can do bedtime with the dc and have the sofa...

AMumOf2Girls · 05/09/2023 22:35

Sounds like your bedtime routine and his lack of turn taking are not thr only issues your having if you feel you need your own home! :(

Mandlee · 05/09/2023 22:45

Hi I think the issue is the kids should already be in bed and he's frustrated that you have no alone time get the kids in bed by 8 and join him in bed at 9 it's a passive aggressive way to show he is frustrated

theGooHasGone · 05/09/2023 23:23

DP often goes to bed before I do but leaves my bedside light on a dim setting. No problem sleeping for them, and I just try to be quiet when I come to bed.

icelolly99 · 06/09/2023 09:19

9 pages and the OP hasn't come back to answer any questions.... maybe they're asleep!...

CherryMaDeara · 06/09/2023 09:28

icelolly99 · 06/09/2023 09:19

9 pages and the OP hasn't come back to answer any questions.... maybe they're asleep!...

True. I hope OP got what she needed from the thread but these threads do make me feel what is the point of people posting when OPs don't even engage with their own threads.

220 responses but clearly OP's time is more important than everyone else's.

Mylovelygreendress · 06/09/2023 10:00

I just want to know where her pillow was !

RampantIvy · 06/09/2023 10:12

@Gorgeouscombes are you cpming back to update? I hope you are OK.

Cudjoe · 06/09/2023 10:19

I'm sorry you said of that age and then said settling your kids, not to be insensitive but are ye or at least him, 85! I go to bed early that around 10.. 8:30! Is he okay?
Sounds mad to me that u let him off so lightly!

mogtheexcellent · 06/09/2023 10:27

Just switch your bedside lamp on to find your pjs and get ready. When in bed use a booklight. Mine was a fiver off amazon. If it wakes your DH up then tough.

Its not as if you are doing anything unreasonable or super noisy.

This is what i do. My DH is a farmer so in bed at 8.30 latest. I dont go to bed until gone 10 then i read until 11ish. Likewise he gets up at 5am puts his lamp on a gets dressed while im asleep.