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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sleep in my bedroom?

239 replies

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:19

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping. I really need a careful regime of reading etc to help me drop off. However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

By the time the kids are settled and I am ready ( like 10pm not massively late) he is in bed asleep with the light off. I am then stuck with my need for my own bed time routine.

So I end up stuck on the sofa bad - which is ok but not as comfy as my bed. I have suggested we take turns downstairs but DH just said I need to join him if I want my bed.

So AIBU for wanting to be able to sleep in my own room? Or does my insomnia/ difficulties mean o am now permanently on the sofa bed

OP posts:
dutysuite · 02/09/2023 23:53

I’ve got the opposite problem. My husband hates going to bed and will stay up until about 2am. The problem with this he makes no effort to be quiet, teeth brushing lights on asthma pump, sleep apnea machine etc etc . I’ve now had to tell him to get his stuff ready before I’m in bed.

PodgePie · 02/09/2023 23:59

What time does your husband wake? And if super early is that for work? Sounds like he’s trying to escape the bedtime routine …

PickAChew · 02/09/2023 23:59

DH has been in bed for the past hour, which was a late night for him. He leaves my bedside lamp on for me. He knows that if I do go to bed early for me, I'll be tossing and turning in the early hours.

Tinkerbyebye · 03/09/2023 00:00

its ridiculous he goes that early, wont do the kids, and you have to creep round

so go in, switch the light on, do your routine and he can suck it up

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2023 00:05

I would be waking him up on the nights it's his turn to do bed with the children and not giving one fuck about making noise when doing my routine for bed either.
If he doesn't like it he can sleep on the sofa bed.

TheCatterall · 03/09/2023 00:10

His problem. Go in to your room. Switch the en-suite light on. Do your normal routine. Put your bedside lamp on. Get into bed etc.

he wants to opt out of parenting and being a decent partner - this works both ways. He’s doing what he wants - you crack on and do the same.

make sure to send the kids in to wake daddy nice and early whilst your at it.

why be considerate of his needs when the favour isn’t returned.

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2023 00:10

In the absence of any mitigating circumstances- and OP, you’ve provided none so far - then Husband is an arse. Disturb at will.

HamishTheCamel · 03/09/2023 00:10

When DH or I go upstairs before the other one, we leave the en suite light on so the person coming up later can see.

MerryMarigold · 03/09/2023 00:20

He's not an arse if he's actually going to sleep at 8.30 and sleeping until he needs to wake up. That means his body requires it, or he's depressed. I have bad health which means I do this unless I have an afternoon nap. DH comes to bed when he's ready but I think he just reads on his phone and we don't have an ensuite.

Why is your children's bedtime routine so late? If they are little, they should be going to bed before 10. If they are older, they can do their own bedtime on the nights DH is tired.

OP, have you checked whether DH is actually sleeping? If he is, and he is getting up at a usual time, then something is clearly wrong. He should go to the doctor. If he's using it as a way to get out of responsibilities then he's an arse.

pinkfondu · 03/09/2023 00:28

Opting out is not on.

I would actually start goi g to bed earlier than him for a few nights in a row, should get the message across if he is refusing to listen!

NailyDale · 03/09/2023 00:35

It's not an option to go to bed before all the jobs are done. Tell him to get his lazy arse out of bed and do his share.

Loads of couples have incompatible bedtimes. Both parties have to compromise.

I go to bed earlier than dh. He creeps in later and tries not to wake me. Because he is making an effort, I don't get mardy if he does wake me. I get up earlier than him and I make an effort not to wake him (on weekends) and because I am trying, he doesn't get mardy if he does wake up.

GrumpyPanda · 03/09/2023 00:49

Get the kids to wake him for a bedtime story. And just put the damn lights on as usual if you're coming to bed inside normal hours.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/09/2023 00:51

Get yourself a small bedside lamp so that you can avoid turning the main light on and get on with your bedtime routine.

user40463 · 03/09/2023 00:51

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/09/2023 23:29

Why does he get to opt out of bedtime duties?

Also surely if the kids are old enough to go to bed at 10pm they don't need you overseeing them?

Kids of any age can go to bed at 10pm.

OP just get ready for bed as you would usually do.

Nanny0gg · 03/09/2023 01:35

scrantonelectriccity · 02/09/2023 23:23

Why can't you do your bedtime routine and get into bed with him? Just ask him to not turn the light outs

Because he was going at 8.30 and the children weren't settled?
And it was his turn for that!

He's being very selfish

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 01:46

Why on earth are you allowing him to check out from being a parent? Honestly, this is fucking ridiculous.

I would tell him, in very clear language, that the next time he tries to go to bed when it's his turn to handle the kids, you will all but drag him out of bed. What an absolute fucking twat. Stop being a doormat!

Robotalkingrubbish · 03/09/2023 01:51

Gorgeouscombes · 02/09/2023 23:29

I just want to get into pjamas find my pillow, clean my teeth ( in the en suite) without creeping around in the dark.

I’m just not ready to do this at 8pm. I also would like him to not opt out of kids bedtimes too

Your main problem is a very selfish DH. How come he is able to opt out of being a decent father and husband? Stop creeping about in the dark and your marriage. Stand up for yourself, this starts now. Do it! 💐

Bloomingpasswords · 03/09/2023 02:25

I have an outdoor revelations lumi camping light. It’s a ball shaped lantern, charges by usb but the great thing is it has four light levels, i potter about all round the house at night with it. Should be not much more than a tenner. On its lowest it’s easy to see where I am going, two clicks and light enough to do tasks etc. probably one of my most used impulse buys.

Gowlett · 03/09/2023 02:40

He’s going to bed early as he wants to opt out of doing the kids bedtime. My DH thought it would be lovely to have the three of us in bed together until he realised that it actually takes DS absolutely ages to get to sleep. Stories, stories, and more stories… Which I do every night.

My problem with DH going to bed early is not the bedtime (DS goes ti sleep quicker for me, less messing about). But DH will just leave the kitchen dirty, not hang the laundry , leave the lights / TV on. As if none of that is his job. So once DS is asleep, I have to get back up & do it.

WeWereInParis · 03/09/2023 05:05

He absolutely shouldn't be opting out of doing bedtime with DC, that should be addressed as a separate issue.

The rest, I'd be a bit annoyed if DH didn't want me to go to sleep because he didn't want to come up quietly later. Just use a small lamp to get into your pyjamas, and shut the en suite door when you're in there. You can't force him to stay up later, but he can't expect total silence from you either.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/09/2023 05:07

Unless he gets out of bed at 4am to go to work (and keeps the lights off and does everything silently so as not to wake you), then I'd be sticking a reading light on and doing normal bedtime routine and if it wakes him, tough shit he can wear a mask or he can go to bed later.

Opting out of doing his share of parenting by sloping off to bed early is no fairer than lazing in bed in a morning to avoid parenting!

Turtletotem · 03/09/2023 05:17

I'm thinking him going to bed so early is his unspoken way of telling you he wants to do the morning routine with kids by himself!
I'd take him up on it I reckon he'll soon change his mind and routine 😅

3luckystars · 03/09/2023 05:48

I definitely would not be sleeping on a sofa or anywhere else. That’s crazy, just go to bed whenever you are ready, in your bed!

or take your child’s bedroom and send the child to bed with your dh.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 03/09/2023 05:54

Bloomingpasswords · 03/09/2023 02:25

I have an outdoor revelations lumi camping light. It’s a ball shaped lantern, charges by usb but the great thing is it has four light levels, i potter about all round the house at night with it. Should be not much more than a tenner. On its lowest it’s easy to see where I am going, two clicks and light enough to do tasks etc. probably one of my most used impulse buys.

I have a necklight I use in the same way, hands free. 😁

OP, go to bed at 830 Sunday night. If you can't, just go out. I would to spite him. Really though, you need to have a serious conversation. This isn't fair on you

WhateverUsernameWillDo · 03/09/2023 06:02

I'll not judge your DH until some things are clarified. Why is he doing this is the key thing. Does he need a medical check up if he just can't stay up later? Is it because he has to get up really early for work? If I asked him, why would he say he has to go to bed so early?

For yourself, book light and keep your own routine.