To want to sleep in my bedroom?

[Gorgeouscombes]

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping. I really need a careful regime of reading etc to help me drop off. However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

By the time the kids are settled and I am ready ( like 10pm not massively late) he is in bed asleep with the light off. I am then stuck with my need for my own bed time routine.

So I end up stuck on the sofa bad - which is ok but not as comfy as my bed. I have suggested we take turns downstairs but DH just said I need to join him if I want my bed.

So AIBU for wanting to be able to sleep in my own room? Or does my insomnia/ difficulties mean o am now permanently on the sofa bed

so just do that - he's being unreasonable in going to bed at 8.30
it's not as if you're wanting to go to bed at 3am

This. I can’t understand why you would sleep on the sofa rather than use a nightlight to clean your teeth. Or just clean them in normal light in another bathroom, which you must have.

Some people just need more sleep than others. It’s not a choice. He should share bedtime with kids though if you are unhappy doing it all.

It is also depressing that so many women condemn a man when they know so few facts about him and the family.

I went to bed much later than Mr Monkey last night as he had a half marathon today. I just used my phone light to get to the bed
and I keep my night time stuff by the side (handcream, ear plugs, dental retainer) so it e
is easy to reach them. I too suffer from insomnia, so use sleep headphones to listen to the radio (my preference is 4 extra).

There was a time when his job meant he did not get in until gone midnight but I had to be in bed a lot earlier. All couples have to work out different bed times over the course of their relationship.

If your husband is regularly going to bed at a time that is very unusual for a healthy adult (I mean at this time of year it is barely dark at 8.30) then he has to accept there will still be a certain amount of noise and light from the rest of the household.

All these suggestions for backlit Kindles and second toothbrushes are all very well, but the issue is why your DH is taking himself to bed at 8.30 as a clear avoidance tactic to help with the children's bedtime routine. That would wind me up so much that I'd never get to sleep at all! Why is he going to bed so early, @Gorgeouscombes? How long has this been going on? Is he going to straight to sleep at 8.30?

Most adults don’t need or get 10-11 hours of sleep

The fact that most people don’t doesn’t exclude the fact that some people do.

The normal range of sleep need for adults is between 6 to 10 hours a night.

People don’t choose the amount of sleep they need. It’s not a sign of character to only need 7 hours a night.

I really do find it quite incredible how many people just can’t comprehend that other people just need more sleep than them. If don’t need 9 or 10 hours then be grateful. Just don’t scorn those that do. It makes life hard enough if you need more sleep.

where is your pillow?
why can’t you brush teeth in another bathroom?

Bigger issue is why he’s going to bed that early - unless he has to get up at 3am for work. Assuming not - he should an eye mask/ ear plugs and you should just switch the light on and do what ever you want

Well, no – I’ve got an eye mask and I sleep badly and if DP marched in switching the light on and doing whatever he wanted after I was already asleep, it would wake me up and take me hours to get back to sleep. There’s no need to go to bed loudly or with the light on once your partner is asleep. I mean, one of OP’s reasons is to “find her pillow” for goodness’ sake! Unless there’s a spectacular dripfeed that her pillow is a cat that wanders off, that’s not a reason to wake anyone up.

The DH needs to do the kids’ bedtimes as promised, 50% of the time. OP needs to keep her PJs in the en suite and buy a pillow that stays in the same place on the bed. If her DH gets up first, he shows her the same courtesy and gets up quietly and quickly. Though tbh anyone with an en suite is essentially agreeing that lights and noise are OK.

Why is he going to bed so early?Is he ill or does he have to get up really early in the morning on work days so finds he doesn't sleep on days off?
And why aren't you just going to bed and doing what you need to do without creeping around?

Insomniac here, I frequently read on my iPad in the middle of the night, doesn’t disturb DH, neither does my alarm going off. He has a bedside light on until he goes to sleep doesn’t disturb me. Point is you / he can get used to some light and sleep through it.
Other point is, unless he needs to get up early I would worry about why he needs so much sleep.

I wondered if the OP was going to provide any more info - probably happily fast asleep on the sofa bed!

I’m a bit bewildered by this in general. I think it’s fine for people to go to bed when they want, I often go to bed at 9…the idea of going at 8:30 and reading for half hour is appealing! He seems aware that this means he’s likely to be disturbed.

It sounds like you want him to help put the kids to bed so you need to discuss this with him. If he’s not pulling his weight it’s not cool.

I do wonder how old your kids are that they need putting to bed but this doesn’t happen until nearly 10? If they’re little could you bring this forward so you can go to bed earlier or if they’re older surely they can put themselves to bed? My younger are in bed by 7/7:30 and the older take themselves up around 8:30 then read in bed.

You can ask your partner to put your toothbrush and pyjamas in the family bathroom before he goes to bed or you will have to put the light on the en suite.

why do you need to find your pillow every night? Is it not just at the head of your bed?

Well then, how much do you know about this woman to decide to side with her husband?

Interestingly, unlike you, I find that most women would side with the man because that’s what we have seen our mothers and grandmothers doing: protecting the provider’s rest and comfort even when we women are working as many hours as men these days and still doing the lion share of house chores and child rearing.

If you don’t believe me, count how many people are suggesting ways to avoid disturbing the husband on this thread rather than telling the wife she has the same rights to the room and breaks from the children’s bed time routine as her husband.

Yes, he may be dying of an undiagnosed sleep disorder but, if he was a woman, I bet the husband would be pestering her to sort the problem out so she could take care of the kids, the house and himself or labelling her as an unfit mother.

Sorry, but you need to find your pillow? Where do you keep it?!

Unless you're about to drip-feed that he has a chronic illness or gets up for work at 4am, then I don't understand why you're tiptoeing around him like this.

There can't be many parents who get 11 hours a night. It might be what an individual would ideally have, but parenting responsibilities come first.

I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg and op would sleep much better if she wasn't lying beside an inconsiderate fool she's lost all feelings for.

Yup.

I was going to suggest this. I read my Kindle every night without disturbing DH.

Does he have a medical reason to go to sleep so early?
I would turn the light on when you're going to bed, do your usual bed time routine and then turn it off. If it bothers him, suggest an eye mask.
Going to bed ridiculously early and skipping out on dealing with the kids' bedtime, and then begrudging you having enough light to get ready for bed is really unreasonable on his part.

Why are so many responses in these threads along the lines of "I would do something incredibly passive-aggressive, or just straight-up aggressive, that makes it clear how much I hate my partner" rather than "I would have an adult conversation about what I need and what he needs and find a compromise with the person I've chosen to marry and have kids with"?

Just... talk... to... him.

Yes, a lot of assuming. In my house, the conversation would go something like, "You've been going to be really early lately. Is everything okay? Do you think you should go get a medical check up?" or, "I totally understand you having to get up at 4am for work means you have to go to bed early. I'll take care of the kids and follow you up when I'm ready. If my book light bothers you, could you wear a mask for that part of the evening?"

Why don't you do your routine as normal? No creeping around in the dark - put the light on. If he doesn't like it then tough. Going to bed at 8.30 (and not helping with the kids) is unreasonable.

Why is your husband going to sleep so early @Gorgeouscombes?
Has he been checked for diabetes or another health issue?

DH often goes to bed before me, but not that early. My bedside light is on and he falls alseep pretty much as soon as his head hits the pillow. I keep my stuff in the main bathroom, and get washed and teeth brushed in there, then read my Paperwhite kindle until I am ready to fall asleep.

Posted too soon. What is with the "find my pillow"? Isn't it on your side of the bed?