To want to sleep in my bedroom?

[Gorgeouscombes]

I’m of that age where I have increasing difficulties with sleeping. I really need a careful regime of reading etc to help me drop off. However DH has started going to bed ridiculously early- tonight it was 8.30! (Leaving me to settle the kids again even though it was his turn to do bed time)

By the time the kids are settled and I am ready ( like 10pm not massively late) he is in bed asleep with the light off. I am then stuck with my need for my own bed time routine.

So I end up stuck on the sofa bad - which is ok but not as comfy as my bed. I have suggested we take turns downstairs but DH just said I need to join him if I want my bed.

So AIBU for wanting to be able to sleep in my own room? Or does my insomnia/ difficulties mean o am now permanently on the sofa bed

Usually if an adult is in bed by 8:30, there is either a health issue or they are shift workers or they have to get up early for work. Most adults don’t need or get 10-11 hours of sleep.

The majority of couples don’t go to bed at the same time. The later person just has to be very quiet to not wake the sleeper. No one needs to sleep on the couch.

I am not sure why you are avoiding the question about why he goes to bed early. Also if your kids are little, put them to bed before 8:30. If they are tweens / teens they can put themselves to bed.

Do all of that anyway., turning the light back on. Except for finding your pillow, surely it's exactly where you left it?

Unless he is a shift worker, 8.30pm is very early for bed. We often haven't finished eating dinner by that time.

How old are the kids? What time are they going to bed? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask DH why he’s going to be so early and also ask that he commit to putting the kids down an equal number of times as you.

My DH goes to bed mega early but no way will I be creeping round like you describe.

I come in and get ready by my phone light and he sometimes stirs and then goes straight back to sleep but most of the time he sleeps through it.

I read on my kindle or phone if I'm scrolling Mumsnet!

Him not helping with the kids is a different matter. You should go to bed tonight before him and leave him to it !!

Honestly, if he is so tired not to do his share of bedtime routine with the kids, how can having the light on wakes him up?

Listen to me OP, put yourself first as much as he does, and stop treating him as if he was just another one of your kids.

YABBU (you are both being unreasonable) for not being able to find a compromise. Your attitude sounds a bit martyr-like and precious, and he is unreasonable if he wants to go to bed early but can't have any kind of light at all when he sleeps.

As others have said, eye masks, night lights, book lights all exist for exactly this reason. You don't need the light full on in the en suite to brush your teeth - use a night light. Ditto finding your PJs. You both need to invest in finding a solution that works for you, and also imho should both look into why you have sleep problems - a normal adult shouldn't go to bed at 8:30 unless they get up incredibly early, but he's not the only one with sleep problems that are causing issues here. Can you get some help for your insomnia? Can you come up with a routine that works for you both? How about putting on your PJs then reading on the sofa until drowsy?

It is really depressing to see so many women making suggestions to ensure lazy husband is not disturbed after happily going to bed dumping all his share of responsibilities with his children on OP.

Men will be men? Of course, they will be while women continue to enable and even protect such selfish behaviour.

OP, is he letting down in other areas of your life? You must be exhausted if he is.

He sounds like a selfish arse and I wouldn't be worrying about waking him as I'd be kicking him out of bed to do the kids' bedtime.

This is only the tip of the iceberg, right?

So YANBU, but really it's a bit silly to ask for advice that is based on dealing with a reasonable person who wants equality and fairness in their relationship when actually you're dealing with a selfish manchild who doesn't care how unfair things are.

Buy him an eye mask. He'll be stuffed when kids are older and still up at 10pm

Stop tiptoeing around him in the dark and just get ready for bed normally

Well this is a pretty significant point. So ideally you'd like to split up but can't afford it? That sounds like the real issue to me. It might be causing your insomnia too.

For a grown adult to go to bed that early and actually sleep isn’t normal I be more worried about something physically or Mental health wise wrong rather than I can’t read my book

How old are the kids

all that aside if someone’s asleep to put a light on to read a book is incredible selfish

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just go to bed as normal? Why are you tip toeing around this prince?
in fact I’d be waking him up to do the kids’ bedtime. Don’t be so passive- believe you deserve more.

For me he would have to take his turn for kids bedtime then he won't be able to go to bed at 8.30. Unless ill or working very early he doesnt get to skip his turn to go to bed. That would resolve the issue every other night.

10pm is not late, so I would be quiet but i would put the light on to find jammies and brush teeth in ensuite then read. Eye mask for him if helpful.

Why is he going to bed so early?

Find your pillow?!

No one should be going to bed until the work (including DC bedtimes) is done unless poorly, pregnant, shift worker, etc. But the second person to bed shouldn’t and shouldn’t need to wake the first. Surely your pillow and pyjamas are in the same place? You can put your pyjamas on in the en suite and read a Kindle with a backlight – unless you’re a thrashy reader like my DP, who doesn’t read in bed if I’ve gone to bed already because he can’t sit still and be quiet while reading, it’s like trying to sleep next to a threshing machine with a book in it.

I think the avoiding chores part is where he’s unreasonable, you wanting to disturb him once he’s asleep or having a set routine is a separate issue.

Is it reasonable for you to do all the bedtimes? No
Is it reasonable for you to act like he isn’t already in bed though and potter around the room with the main light on and no tiptoeing? No

Theres a balance here. Him going to bed at 8:30 doesn’t mean you need to sleep on the sofa just because you can’t be loud during your ‘bedtime routine’.
Is there an issue making him have an early night?

During the first trimester I went to bed at 7.30/8 for weeks. If my husband barged in at 10, making a noise getting ready and then decided to read for a while with the main light on I wouldn’t be really annoyed. It’s inconsiderate.

Separate rooms is the answer. I love my own nighttime space.

So tell him loudly and clearly. He’d have a point if he started work at 4 am but it doesn’t sound like this is the case - he’s simply avoiding parental responsibilities.

Basically he’s taking the proverbial- don’t stand for it. You can’t force him to stay up but I’d be certainly removing assistance. If you deal with all the laundry, for example, leave his undone. What you can do is turn the light on - I’d certainly do that. If he complains, tell him it’s ridiculous that he’s going to bed this early while the kids are still up. Put your bedside light on and read.

DH often goes to bed earlier than me

he leaves a light on, and uses a sleep mask

if the light is off, I turn on my bedside lighg

why are you creeping around in the dark? What would happen if you just turned a (small) light on?

The comments on here when it’s the man already asleep are so funny and typical mumsnet. Usually it’s rude when a man has an early alarm set if the wife still wants to sleep 😂
in this case op should make no effort to be quiet when he partner is already asleep.

He's either got some kind of illness to make him want to sleep so early, or he's doing this on purpose so he doesn't have to bother looking after his own children.

My partner often goes to bed early. He leaves my bed side light on. I then come in and carry on as normal - quietly. I have a kindle so can then turn the light off. What does he say about you being on the sofa?
And why not say when he starts to head to bed that he can't go until the kids are settled?

Does your husband think your children go to bed too late and is that why he just goes to bed?
Something has to change in the kid's bed time routine.
Would they settle more if you also are getting ready for bed?
Your children need to go to bed by about 7:00 pm.
I think 50% of the time your husband should put the kids to bed, wait until they settle (half an hour) and then get himself to bed. Surely the children would understand that their Dad is tired and they need to settle down so he can be in bed by 9:00 pm.
You deserve to have children quiet in their beds at 7:30 pm too OP. You need time to wind down and read and have your light off well before midnight. Both you and your husband would benefit with kids going to sleep earlier.
I would not worry about not turning on lights etc. If your husband is sleeping he won't be disturbed unless you make an almighty racket. Use a book light and snuggle down.