To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

Not fostered but my mother did just that on many occasions and then drove herself to the local psychiatric hospital where she spent about 6 weeks, came out, SS handed me back to the woman

Thats quite a different situation though, your mother couldn’t physically care for you while in hospital.

Getting a child placed on a Section 20 is far from straightforward - there was a thread recently about a mum trying to do that and the child was returned to her very quickly.

Children will be placed in foster care (you have emergency foster placements) if the parents relinquish care of them.

They might be placed overnight or for a couple of nights if no family could be found to care for them, but if there are no safeguarding concerns they’d be quickly returned home pending assessment - not least because you can’t assess parenting capacity if the child isn’t with their parents.

The thread has been massively derailed, and I’ve helped that, so I’m going to follow @Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme example and sit in my hands from here on in.

That’s a shame the campaign didn’t work
I think I remember it (“this is my child?”)

If there was at least more public awareness of the difficulties some families face, communities might step up
For example people local to OP would be able to offer and hoc support eg drop a meal round (to save her having to cook&clear up)

Typo *ad hoc

There would only be a parenting assessment if the parent wanted to care for the child. I am concerned as a SW that you do not know the facts. Emergency foster care is not only for a couple of nights. If that placement is no longer available, SS would need to find another placement. Honestly, please get some supervision from your managers.

We are digressing here. OP I know its hard and I wish you all the best x

@Positive41 i don’t know your background, but in 25 years of social work I’ve not come across a situation where a parent says they don’t want to care for their child and social work response is “ok we’ll just place them in care”.

@Positive41 are you a sw?

You sound exhausted. Is there anyway you could some respite? That may give you time to relax/ spend some positive time with your little girl.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care/social-care-england-children/support-available

from the Short Breaks (respite) section.

“Every local authority has a duty to publish a Short Breaks Services Statement and this should outline the types of short break provided by that authority, how to access these and how they have been designed to meet the needs of local carers. Most local authorities publish this information on their website or you can ask children’s services to send you a copy.”

How are things now OP?

I don’t think it is? There might be families with so much love to give but can’t have a child of their own. I feel that he would be better off in another family that can cope with him. The OP is struggling and miserable and it’s negatively impacting her other child.

In reality there isn't at least read the thread 🙄

Do you have a social worker ? If not get one and ask for direct payments to get a PA .. let them know you aren't coping and ask for help .

My son has SN and although nothing like yours he is hard work . I feel your pain.

I've been working with ASD kids and parents for years and this stuff is incredibly common. I promise it will get easier. 3 is an incredibly tough age for a non-verbal child on the spectrum. And your friends and family will want to help out more in the future, too.

It's so great that you decided to let your feelings out on here. It must be tricky to not feel like you can talk to others about this. I hope you're able to talk to a specialist therapist about it, even if just online or over the phone.

Don't compare yourself to others online as they too are probably suffering behind the scenes and won't show the true reality ❤