To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

Have you any experience with the UK care system?
Im assuming not?
Also children’s social care won’t just accept children under a section 20 and will often class this as ‘abandonment’. They don’t just willingly turn up and collect your kids and place them with a loving family who have their slippers warming ready. Honestly some people have no clue

I have nothing but immense respect for you OP and for your daughter. I am not going to insult you by attempting to offer advice or platitudes, but certainly no judgement here. Vent as much as you need.

Because it's not really a realistic option is it? There won't be people looking to adopt such a disabled child and I doubt there will be loving long term foster parents available. I also imagine the OP does not want him to be living in an environment where he is just managed or contained rather than loved forever.

@x2boys
There are foster carers who specialise in children with disabilities. I am one myself !
There are just not enough.of us to meet the demand for either respite or long term foster placements.
However the op could put her child into care on a section 20 which is a voluntary order . Whether the local authority could find a suitable placement is another matter .
And no.judgement from me as it is incredibly hard looking after children with such complex needs no.matter how much you love them.

YABU. Your poor son. It's not his fault you chose to bring him into the world. He can't help who he is. He's also so young, there is a lot of time for his abilities to develop.
Have you looked into respite care?

Through my job, yes. I have known people in OP’s position who have done just that.

I didn’t claim they ‘willingly turn up and collect your kids’. It isn’t something SS want to do at all, but it is something that can be done.

Absolutely consider adoption. There are thousands of families wanting to adopt a child with serious and complex problems, and I’m sure the OPs husband will have no issues with it at all! In fact, you could maybe leave him at the council on Monday, OP. Probably not open tomorrow.

(The above said sarcastically, in case that wasn’t obvious.)

FWIW, things will get better, if only because school will happen. And also, don’t forget that life with two children so close in age was always going to be challenging to an extent. That isn’t to be glib about the difficulties related to your DS, but it is a reality that life with two toddlers is just very hard work.

The majority end.

I haven't read the entire thread and this won't help you directly but I've found Young Carers in my area do a lot for siblings in this situation with groups / visits etc so just throwing that out there for your DD. And hopefully more knowledgeable posters have added things that might help you and your DS more directly x

Oh I feel for you op. There is no help we are alone.

People think there is help is laughable. I literally told social services if they don't put my child into care I'm going to hurt him as I can't take him attacking me and his sister constantly and remain calm much longer. He doesn't sleep. He smears shiti. Also has pica. He climbs out windows and o to cars or under cars. Tips over buggy or pushes other children. Almost killed his sister trying to push her into moving traffic. He's been kicked out of school because they can't manage to keep others safe with 2:1 so they leave him with me single mum to 3 kids because he's not safe in school 2 to fucking 1. My partner left he couldn't cope. Obviously I've had to quit work. Can't see friends. Poor benefits claiming broken person. I'm not even a person anymore I'm a carer wracked with guilt for the life of my other kids. And constantly judged by the world for not working and that it must be my parenting that causes the violence.

Where abouts are you OP? There is this place called Thomley in Oxfordshire that is great to go visit. 8foot fences loads of staff. I can actually get a coffee with a friend when we go there. Also a SEN mum. You will find people who understand once you hit school years and the friends are the only thing to keep you from having a breakdown. Also see if there is a local FB group for send parents they may have suggestions on safe places to go with kids who have no awareness of danger and eat everything.

People really need to know what is happening with the world of SEN. There is no help. You can fight for months or years to get help and it will be a fucking parenting course or they offer you something you can't access because of your child's needs.

I can't wish my son away but I know how you feel. If I didn't have other kids I'd honestly kill myself to escape this hell

I imagine the PP means a residential school. They do exist for children with learning disabilities although tough to access.

OP I think you need to kick up hell to try and get some regular respite to help. I know it’s really hard to get but squeaky wheel and all that.

It sounds like you are doing an incredible job, but realistically it may not be sustainable long term, for either you or your daughter.

Always one moron isn’t there

Please don't pretend that a profoundly disabled person going into the care system is what is best for the disabled person. It absolutely wouldn't be best for her son. Even if it is decided it is what is best for her and her daughter it absolutely is not best for her son.

There is a difference between deciding after exploring absolutely all other options that adoption is your only option and posting for some support and having many women suggest straight off the bat you should have your kid put into care. She hasn't come here asking for support surrendering her child she is asking for support with how she is feeling.

Put him in residential care .
It sounds an absolutely thankless task parenting such a child . I feel for your daughter aswell who will have her whole childhood determined by her brothers needs .

Is adoption an option?

What? 😥

This.

I know an adult with ASD who was raised by foster carers. He has had the most horrific life of anyone I know, abused and taken advantage of all his life. He lives in supported living accommodation with drug dealers and prostitutes working from the house, surviving by using food banks as they take his money, and he is too vulnerable to understand what is going on.
Putting a child with ASD in foster care is just not an option. You leave them totally unprotected, with noone to advocate for them.
Don't be fooled, this is not in the child's best interest.

I see you. Complete respect and solidarity. Although that’s another cliche- all the services who wont fucking help us tell us we are doing ‘such a great job’

Op that sounds so hard. I don't really have any advice but I guess you just keep plodding on and try and get any breaks where you can. Keep ranting on here if you need to and perhaps see if there are any local families that you could perhaps meet up with that are going through a similar situation as may help to share advice and have a friend to share issues with. Lots of posters are saying that things may gradually get easier - cling on to that. Big hugs it must be so hard x

You are cruel and clueless

Not at all. I have an autistic son myself.

There is LAC with over 80000 children.

People are giving up children. It's just taboo to talk about it.
I wouldn't judge. Nobody knows the difficulties someone's having.

It can indeed be better, when the family they’ve come from is fundamentally breaking.

it also isn’t wrong for OP to make a decision based on what is best for her and her daughter. They matter too.

Sigh. These threads.

Wishing you hadn’t had a child isn’t the same as giving him up.

That said. It is an option. Whatever anyone says. What that looks like wouldn’t be your concern. He will likely end up in long term foster care / living facility as he gets older. If that’s what you want feel no shame, speak to SS.

If it isn’t what you want start on ehcp. Include social care assessment. Make it clear the impact it’s having and start exploring residential settings. Again they are an option, hard yes, but they exist.

Good luck.

Course you have. I bet you face all of the same struggles as the op too 🙄

Residential care for a three year old? Do some posters live in cloud cuckoo land? Where are these residential schools for such young children?

I bet there aren’t many residential schools for kids with learning difficulties below secondary age. That’s an educated guess, but I’ve certainly never heard of residential schools for very young children.

As for the OP putting her son into care - I can’t help thinking that the social services response would be to question her ability to parent her non-disabled child…