To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

Not at three they don't !
And it's not a simp!e process
And you can kick.up a fuss all.you want but social.services can't give you what they don't have , we are supposed to.have two.over nights respite a month it wss agreed before last Xmas ,we haven't even visited yet as no staff this is the state of social.care .

No judgement here. At all.

I wish there was more support for you. It honestly sounds like one of the hardest things a person can go through. I'm really sorry that I can't offer anything more than empathy.

So? That’s like telling someone with gioblastoma you know there struggle because you had a minor skin cancer.

OP, your situation is really exhausting and I can see you’re reaching your limits. The disability team should be offering you respite care but given how you feel I think you should also talk to them about him being accommodated under S20 children act 1989- expect pushback- but you have to be honest about how you are not coping at all. It could be for a period of a few weeks or months until you feel able to care for him again or longer but if it’s for more than a few months they will be duty bound to make long term plans for him. I don’t say this lightly but if there is no emotional connection between you things are likely to get harder and harder for him and you, it’s not a good place for your daughter either growing up seeing this and she will feel emotionally neglected by default. There are specialist foster carers who care for children like your son but it will take time for social services to find him a good match and placement.

And what of OP and her daughter’s quality of life?

Again, it is an option. It may not be one for you, but it is one for others. Whether it’s one that OP would consider is something only she can decide for herself.

Believe whatever you want.
There's no way I would ever talk about my son like this. He is extra vulnerable, and needs more love and support. Not further rejection from the one person you are supposed to be able to rely on. It's very sad. That's why I suggested getting more help.

I think the worse ones are people suggesting adoption. What the hell

@MrsSchrute
Bloody hell not all foster carers are the same you know. Stop tarring us all with the same brush. I have an autistic foster child and recognise the stresses the op is under but our lad is loved and cared for to the v best of our ability. He has been with us all his life and we all adore him despite the challenges he brings.

Perhaps you wouldn’t but your difficulties and challenges are not the same- what benefit do you feel your judgement holds for the OP?

I think some parents have felt like this even without the additional needs child! You’re not alone in that, I really feel for you. My niece is 4 and non verbal and is constantly on high alert. Can’t leave the bathroom door open if you do all the stuff will be opened and poured.. etc it’s hard work!! And I take my hat off to you for doing such a good job OP.

you can tell you’re a great mum even with all the struggles you face and you’re doing the best that you can. I wish I had the perfect answer to you. I do know childrens services aren’t the best people but they’ve been involved with my sister now and have offered to take the child out for a few hours but my sister declined. There is support out there but it is scary.

i hope you find peace and strength again and i truly wish I could help. It’s no good sayinf it’ll get easier because it will hopefully one day but nobody can say when!

im sending you the biggest hug in the world!

I would never suggest all foster carers are the same, at all. Many of my friends foster and they are fantastic, I have no doubt that you are as well.
However, there is no guarantee that the OPs son would come to a family like yours.

I completely recognise that there are incredible FCs who look after disabled kids but they are few and far between and much sought after.
if the OP did decide to place her child in care then it’s likely that placing him with a family who could meet his needs would be a long and winding road. It’s not as easy as ‘get him adopted’.

She asked am I being unreasonable. I think she is. I sympathise, but I don't condone dwelling on these feelings as they are very unhealthy.

I really don’t blame you. I’d do the same. It sounds genuinely awful.

No wise words - just sorry OP that so many posters used your thread as an opportunity to grandstand.
Sending you good wishes and hoping that at some stage, you get some constructive support from someone.

She asked aibu. Perhaps a compassionate and human response should you feel she is would be that yes, you are being unreasonable but your feelings are understandable.. not hateful and pearl clutching like ‘your POOR SON’.

A lot of people don't, but many people do gradually come to the decision to place a child in care either through adoption or fostering because they are unable to manage or keep everyone safe at home. I also know someone who did it and it was an incredibly difficult and painful decision. Absolutely noone thinks that anyone puts a child up for adoption like it's easy. The majority of kids who end up in care have families who have loved and cared for them. But equally no parent should be shamed for feeling like that is the point they are at and taking action before they hit crisis. And I think it's very clear from this thread how insufficient and hard to access the resources are for families who have caring responsibilities. So it's not a reflection on op or her love for her child or how hard she's doubtless worked to give her child all she can. It's a reflection on how underfunded the social care sector is and that's on gov for not seeing the most vulnerable in our society as a priority.

Op I'm not suggesting this is what you should do, only that what you're feeling is normal and there is absolutely no judgement here.

I agree with pps that giving your son up for fostercare is a definite option - you can't cope, and there's no shame in that, and that's why care exists. Residential care is the only option for some families, and unfortunately there just aren't the care facilities left, so fostercare is the only option. If it counts as abandonment then so be it.

I do not have a disabled child but have cared for extremely disabled children at work and know how challenging it can be and that was just from 9 until 3.

For those saying it’s disgusting to suggest adoption or fostering, please think about what you are saying. Just because you might not do that doesn’t mean it’s not ok. Every disabled child is different, every person is different. They are extreme circumstances and I don’t think anyone should be able to make others feel bad for what would of course be a heart wrenching decision. It’s a lose-lose situation I guess.

@MrsSchrute
Well you have dogmatically stated that it cannot be in his best interests to go into care and no one will advocate for him ! You cannot know whether that is true or not based on one case .
And children on a section 20 ie a voluntary placement means that parents have full parental responsibility and can therefore advocate themselves. They can remove their child whenever they wish and remain fully involved in their child's life .

Wrong thread?

OP I think you're asking advice on the wrong forum. There are disability groups on Facebook, the charity Contact have a good one and you can post anonymously. They also have their own advice services. People who do not have lived experience really can't comment.
In the meantime, do you have an EHCP. If nursery won't help you can apply yourself. Providing you have a decent ehcp you can apply for the 30 hour funding but need to find a school/nursery willing to take it on. I would be looking at special schools now.
It's a really difficult life. I found once my son was in full time school it took a lot of pressure off me as I see this as respite. Even just being in the supermarket on my own is classed as a break. It sounds pretty grim but that's the level of my expectation.

OP can you ask your S/w about Overnight Short Breaks ? (This is what they are called in my borough)
you need to meet criteria to qualify.

When will DS start SEN school? Once he in a specialist setting you may start to see some changes

Gosh there are some prickly, reactive people on here.

This is excellent advice.